Arts, Activism, Awakening in Mind, Body, & Spirit

AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex


Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20’s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years.  In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis.  I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times.  I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this.  I attached a picture just as a reference point.  Thanks!

Sincerely,

N., in Ohio

Dear N.,

Thank you for such a great question!  Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn.  The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.

The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men!  However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.

Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman.  The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions.  Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.

Girth is an entirely different issue.  For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time.  And your woman will have homework as well.

Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up.  If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.

The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva.  The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth.  I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.

The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen.  These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin.  The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube.  Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.

Take time to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.”  Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West.  The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.

Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman.  Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration.  In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening.  (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)

Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own.  Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts.  Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax.  If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight.  For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort.  For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.

This is where lube plays an important role in sex.  Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway.  Friction sex hurts at the best of times.  When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver.  Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.

Your homework:

  • Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
  • Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina.  If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed.  If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
  • Use lots of lube.  Lots!
  • Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
  • Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not  hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
  • Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
  • Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
  • Look at  the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.

The woman’s homework:

  • Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
  • Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
  • Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
  • Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
  • Push out  on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
  • Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
  • Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.

So what if you do all this and sex still hurts?  If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain.  This can be helped with lots  of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together.  It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.

You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner.  So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run.

The important thing is that you  do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner.  Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with.  With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.

I hope this has helped.  Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!

Take care,

trish

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10 responses

  1. N

    Thank you very much, was amazing to hear this and I will try it from now on. The beginning area on the vagina was a hard point to get around due to girth and tightness. Have you ever had this situation in your personal love life? If so what was some positions or situations that couldn’t be done?

    October 24, 2012 at 8:57 am

    • Hey, N.!

      Glad I could help. :-) As I said in the article, any positions that keep her legs together will squeeze in on the vagina, probably causing her discomfort. Any position with woman-on-top will also cause pain unless she keeps her legs under her so SHE controls how far and how quickly she slides down on you. Rear entry on all fours can be difficult, especially with a petite partner whose legs may not be able to spread wider than yours — again, legs-together positions aren’t going to feel good for her. But a rear entry version of the spoon may be doable to accommodate a long penis. With both a long and wide penis, if you’re the kind of guy who likes to hold the woman’s hips and thrust wildly, you may need a new partner.

      You might discover that your sex life is actually controlled by the female — what’s good for her, how it’s good for her, when it’s good for her, etc. Wild, crazy sex just isn’t in the cards for you, dearie. But you seem to be in a place in your life where you’re seeking deeper meaning in a partnership, so I actually think you’re on the right track.

      Be patient and be in the moment. Every moment. :-)
      trish

      October 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

  2. jmd

    excellent article! well written and explained! i am not ‘extra’ large, but do understand how different each position is for my partner! taking the time to prepare is critical! and fun!

    October 24, 2012 at 7:29 pm

  3. petemageet

    To quote N., “….we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week…..”
    Have you tried being gentle? Rough sex is not for everyone ya know!

    October 25, 2012 at 3:06 am

    • Pete: Okay, now… I know you’re an Aussie with a dry wit, so for my other readers, N. never said he likes rough sex. :-P If he did, I don’t think he would be this caring about his partner to find ways to make sex feel good for her.

      Even slow sex with a large/wide penis can hurt without the proper warm-up phase.

      N.: Remember, that if she now has it in her mind that sex “might” hurt, she will subconsciously tense up. Meditation and relaxation may play a crucial role in resolving this for both of you.

      trish

      October 25, 2012 at 7:30 am

  4. petemageet

    Ahh you know me too well Trish. Anyway, great reply to N’s question, you’re a treasure trove of facts and sexy goodness!
    FWIW, my tip is the warm up phase is never done until you’re told to giddy up, until then just keep on lickin’!

    Keep up the great work Trish.

    October 25, 2012 at 11:30 pm

  5. Loren

    Thank you for this amazingly considerate and informative response! I’m a woman and some of this was news to me! But now I know how to more thoughtfully keep this dialogue going with my husband. I am so happy I found this page!

    December 7, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    • Hey, Loren!

      Thanks so much! Believe me, I’ve been there, and I’m so glad you found my page, too. I started this for me and for women, but men have really taken to it — which is good since we have to sleep with them! :-) Feel free to pose a question for an AskTrish post. The series is new, but I would love to take questions from women — about anything sexual, sensual, and just being a woman!

      trish

      December 7, 2012 at 8:56 pm

  6. Tee-Jay

    It is also possible that if the man is circumcised that his lack of foreskin may be drying the vulva, and the keratinization of the glans presents an abrasive surface to the woman’s internal tissues; so, copious lubrication is a good place to start. However, if our famed hostess’ advice proves insufficient, there is an alternative: Foreskin Restoration is a bit of a misnomer, but, by stretching the remaining shaft-skin to grow and cover the glans when at rest, the keratinization that developed as a result of circumcision is generally softened by returning the head of the penis to be the internal organ it was designed to be. Some reading may be illustrative, specifically “Sex As Nature Intended It” by Kristen O’Hara… The good news is that it may not be your size that is the problem, but the shape left by the surgeon, and that may be a bitter pill; I’m sorry.

    December 8, 2012 at 3:04 am

  7. cosmopolite

    Tee-Jay: Agreed. If vaginal intercourse is uncomfortable, no matter much lube is used, and yeast infections can be ruled out, his being circumcised becomes the prime suspect.

    August 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm

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