Arts, Activism, Awakening in Mind, Body, & Spirit

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NEWS: Register for Tantra-based Orgasm Awakening Online Workshop


tantra_sexI am now offering group and private Tantra-based training via Skype in 6 two-hour classes.  Finally!

This training focuses on awakening sensual response, increasing sexual pleasure, reclaiming your body as yours, honoring the sacred nature of the body as a means of enlightenment, and connecting to universal consciousness.

The 6 group classes will be held on Thursday nights at 9 p.m. ET (8 p.m. CT/ 6 p.m. PT) beginning July 24, 2014.  If taking the group course by yourself, the cost is $99, and it’s only $149 for couples.

Private classes can be arranged at the convenience of the participant(s).  Six sessions for a Single is $589.00, and Couples will be $879.00.

This workshop will incorporate the philosophy of Tantra along with anatomy and biology, the science of orgasm, exercises, journaling, homework in between classes, with plenty of time for Q&A during the classes.

This training is holistic in nature and covers other aspects of your well-being, such as emotional happiness, fitness, nutrition, physical health, and relationships.  This workshop is part of a larger project that I am developing but can’t mention to the public at this time.  But SOON!

More classes will be provided in the near future, but this introductory class is required for the intermediate and advanced levels.  Sexual orientation does not matter.  But you MUST BE 18 to participate.

You may sign up for the Group or Private classes either as a Single or as a Couple on the ArousedWoman website.

ALL SALES ARE FINAL.  Any questions should be directed to me PRIOR to purchasing any option.  Use the form below.

I look forward to helping you on your journey!

trish

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AskTrish: Woman Married 15 Years Can Only Orgasm to Porn


nude-woman-artistic-female-formDear Trish,

I’ve been married for almost 15 years.  Before I got married, I used to have orgasms without a problem during intercourse, and I was very active and sexual woman.  Now, AFTER 15 years, we have sex like every three or four months and worse, without orgasms… well, once a year if I’m really lucky.  I only get an orgasm while watching porn and masturbating myself — so, I’m not anorgasmic — but it doesn’t happen while having sex with him.  Even when I’m aroused and really try to have an orgasm mental and physically, it just doesn’t happen.  I talked to him, but it’s not enough.

I LOOOVEEEE sex, I like sex, and even for a while I resigned myself to abstinence.  Well, I suppose that I am the problem, but I cannot find the solution.  I want to enjoy sex, and literally shout out myself for pleasure and orgasm during intercourse but well… here I am asking for help.   Love my husband and I wish I could surrender myself into his arms and enjoy and cry out for pleasure.  Any thoughts?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Right off the bat, I see at least three major things that need to be addressed, and hear me when I say, YOU are NOT the sole issue that needs help here.  It takes two to tango, and in a relationship, each partner is 100% responsible for participating in their 50% of the partnership.

The word relationship does not mean “suffer in silence,” as you seem to be doing — I know that’s how I felt in my miserable 15-year marriage with orgasmless sex.  (At least you like your guy!)  A relationship is supposed to be two (or more) people actively relating to each other.  I don’t see much relating at all here.  But let’s begin this conversation with you…

You didn’t tell me your age, so for round numbers, let’s say you’re 40 years old and got married at 25.  In your early 20’s then, you were a vibrant, happy, sexual, naturally orgasmic woman.  Fast forward 15 years, you’re experiencing issues with orgasm with a husband who is uninterested in “fixing” a relationship he apparently doesn’t view as being problematic.

From a physical standpoint, the body completely regenerates every cell in the body within about three years.  So you are literally not the same person you were then — your body has completely re-created itself 5 times since then.  Now, at “40,” your hormone levels are different, your blood chemistry is different, and this isn’t even considering if you take prescription medication on a regular basis that can upset your body’s chemical balance, or have unhealthy nutrition habits, too much alcohol or caffeine intake, etc.

My first recommendation to you is to get your bloodwork done and see what your hormone levels are — do you make enough testosterone?  Testosterone is required for women’s sexuality, believe it or not.  When we’re younger, we have plenty of it (without seeming masculine), but as we get older, women’s testosterone levels drop significantly.  This can be made worse if you have been taking products that give you extra estrogen, such as birth control, or eating unfermented soy products like soy milk, soy yogurt, or ingesting too many foods made with soy.  Also get your thyroid levels checked as the thyroid regulates hormone production in the body.

The second area I would address if I were you is the porn.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch beautiful, sensual erotica myself, but as with any item we start to “rely” on for orgasm, porn may now be a “crutch” for you.  I gave up vibrators when I could no longer have an orgasm without them — I literally had no feeling in my clit or labia, and I wasn’t even using a vibrator that often.  It took six months to be able to feel any sensation in my clit.  You may have gotten to the point where you’ve unconsciously talked yourself into reaching climax “only” when watching porn, so the orgasm is less about your sexual happiness and connection to your self and more about a psychosomatic reflex — “muscle memory” triggered by watching porn, if you will.

Go porn-less for a few months and get back in touch with your body.  Your body was naturally orgasmic.  Allow the muscles and nerves and your autonomic nervous system to re-learn what came so easily back then — awaken that “muscle” memory!  This will take time and will likely be very frustrating.  I invite you to read through my DailyOJ if you want a friend-in-frustration because I certainly understand.  I would recommend my “Allowing and Receiving post” any time you really feel the pull to give up the bodywork and go back to the porn.  Again, I’m not saying you should never watch erotica again, just take a break for a little while.  Or watch some erotica or scroll through my Tumblr to get the juices flowing, then turn it off when you start masturbating.  Relax into your body, focusing on your body’s wants and needs, not what you think your body “should” want or how it “should” act/react.  Read my post on “Lying Broken in Pieces As I Heal” to see this process from a different perspective.

The third issue here is the infrequency of the sexual relationship with your husband.  I am wondering, “What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to make love to a woman just starting her sexual prime?  What’s going on in his work?  His life outside the relationship — with him as a man?  What stresses does he experience with his job, deadlines, co-workers?  Does he have any addictions (food, caffeine, alcohol, other) that could be affecting him?  Does he have health issues that are affecting his emotions, blood circulation, sexual drive, and even his mental/psychological state?  Does he experience erectile dysfunction?  Is he not making enough testosterone at this point in his life?”  Yes, men make less testosterone as they get older as well.

As a man in his 40’s, let’s say, he may have been brought up in the last generation of boys who were taught to solve problems for themselves, don’t ask for help — that’s a sign of “weakness,” men have to have all the answers, be the leaders.  Men are still suffering from the strong-silent-type John Wayne persona they were forced to emulate all the while being fed the Renaissance Man/Prince stereotype who is supposed to sweep a woman off her feet, romance her endlessly, and the relationship bliss and passion just happen all the time by magic — as women have been brainwashed into believing thanks to “princess” animated movies, romance novels, and daytime soaps.

Orgasms can seem easy enough if you find the right sex position.  But the want has to really be there as well as a healthy mind and a healthy body.  It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to bridge the divide here.  Sex 4 times a year is not a true relating-ship, in my opinion, especially since you have tried to talk with him and he has not been receptive to communication.  There are deeper issues going on with him that he may not feel comfortable sharing… yet.

Getting back to you, though, I hope you’re not expecting him to “give” you orgasms or “make” you cum.  You are 100% responsible for your own orgasms during sex — or even solo.  I see you understand that orgasm is a mental process first for a woman.  After all the disappointment you’ve faced with this, your mental outlook may verge on the pessimistic side.  You have work to do, for sure, and you need to work on yourself and your self first.

Okay… I lied… there’s a fourth thing I want you to consider…

In this post on orgasms, I explain there are different types of orgasms: the physical reflex and the energetic response.  You can frig off for hours and never orgasm, much less climax.  Or you can rewire the body to the point where you just think the word “orgasm,” and you’re off into the La-La Land of Bliss.  Get back to your body, and rewire from the parasympathetic nervous system outward.  And remember, I’m working on an orgasm training method that teaches this very thing, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter.

I know, I know… Other peolpe are going to suggest you do all the work here — add the “romance” back in, wear some lingerie, light candles, cook him a nice dinner, give him a massage to loosen him up to get him in the mood.  This is all superficial bullshit.  Your relationship needs true communication re-building, and that begins with honest dialogue, not pretending the problems away.

To begin this journey of healing, begin with yourself.  To heal the relationship, you MUST sit him down, either just the two of you or with a counselor.  You cannot save the sex or the relationship by yourself.

I most heartfully wish you well in this.  And for more in-depth personalized advice, I also do consults via phone or Skype.

Take care,

trish

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DailyOJ 01-26-13, Part 2: The Fear of Intimacy


Lovers Tango - Aroused-Woman* Read Part 1 *

Today was a great day. So I was a bit surprised by the slight emotional breakdown I just experienced.

It wasn’t caused by my intactivism on Twitter (explaining the horrors of both male circumcision and female genital cutting), or the raucous festivities happening just outside my apartment from the day parade of the local Mardi Gras krewes. I spent some time earlier researching vitamins for healthy skin since I’ve now lost 82 pounds, but my skin is not shrinking as fast as I’d like — apparently, it can take 2 years or more for skin to retract, assuming a woman has good genes, doesn’t have any more children, and bathes in the blood of virgins… (just kidding… not sure about that last part).

I digress…

I think the breakdown may have been triggered by an impromptu conversation in the chat room of the AW Forum on the subject of emotion and sex.

Taking a break from the Twitterverse and looking for something to watch online, I remembered the amazing feelings from this morning, and the generally great feelings I’d had all day. I got a flash — a vision — in my mind’s eye about being with a partner, my Dream Man, as I call him. Not having sex, our clothes were on, in fact. I was just kissing his collarbone. And I suddenly burst into tears.

I had trouble breathing. I could feel the rush of adrenaline’s “fight or flight” rash-choice-conundrum rushing to the fore. Not prone to panic attacks, I was most concerned with why I was having this freak-out moment. Then I remembered a revelation I’d had when writing my breasts article about having never really known tenderness during sex. During the Twitter intactivism tonight, I had had to explain how friction sex can be painful — how my ex used to complain I got too wet during sex, he couldn’t get friction, so he’d pull out and use the sheet to dry me and him off and come back in to jackhammer away till he ejaculated…. The feelings that were now shaking my entire body as I cried and tried to breathe were the realization that I have no idea how to be intimate with a man.

I know about sex, sex spots, erogenous zones, positions, pressure points, hormones, and nerves. I know all about the physical connections, but I have never really made an emotional physical connection to a partner. The fact that emotion scares the hell out of most men doesn’t help the situation.

This past year I’ve been in Yin, and it’s really kicked me in my ass. I made so many realizations about myself last year that I thought (or hoped) I was done. Apparently, the Universe was saving this big whopper for right when I was least prepared to deal with yet another part of me that needs to be worked on.

Sex has never been about me, in my sexual experience. I never understood why people can just spend time kissing (isn’t that boring?) or holding hands (don’t you want me to hold something else?)… I never felt comfortable with just being with a partner. Once the sex got going, then I knew what my role was. Usually, I was the initiator, the aggressor, the one in charge. Men made it clear they were with me because they wanted to know if busty redheads were really as good in bed as they’d heard or seen in porn. They approached me with a certain expectation of what sex with me would be like, and I made sure I exceeded their expectations.

Sex in my marriage was never orgasmic for me, but then I didn’t think my pleasure was important. As a stay-at-home mother, I felt part of my duties was keeping him happy and earning my keep — sex did that while a blow job once a week prevented arguments about the bills. As I grew to detest him and the whole situation, I gained weight on purpose so he wouldn’t want me…. Just my luck — he liked fat chicks.

Now free, in control of my own life, and repairing my health and my body, I’m left with the remnants of what I’ve put myself through the past 15+ years. I look in the mirror as my body gets smaller, but so many imperfections remain. And so many imperfections dwell inside as well.

With intimacy, there isn’t exactly a projected outcome as there is with sex. The agenda of sex is lots of orgasms that lead to the climactic grande finale orgasm. Intimacy is a goal-less phenomenon, I guess, in which neither partner is in charge or at least, no one’s keeping tally on the orgasm scoreboard. Intimacy is being open emotionally to just being with a person, soft and tender… vulnerable. Without the sex techniques to keep a man enthralled, I really don’t know why a man would want to be with me… or what I have to offer…

This emotional breakdown was another wall coming down, and yet it is another bit of knowledge I will hold myself to when time for entering a relationship and finally — finally! — being able to love a man. I simply cannot allow myself to go backwards. Being in charge in the sex department is too easy. I need to allow myself to be open and vulnerable… more… yin… and that freaks me out….

Aroused and breaking through,

trish

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AskTrish: Man Asks About the Allure & Sexual Myths of Redheads


Redhead - Myths About Redheads as Wild Women in BedTrish, what is it about redheaded women that truly makes them stand out compared to other women?  Are they harder to love/please or is that just a myth?  Do people get burned easily by such a warm personality and fiery passion?  Or is that just a myth.  What are things that people need to understand about redheads?  What sexual myths do you hear often that are associated to women with Red hair?  Do you honestly believe any of them?  Does that make men or women more attracted to you or at least curious in some way?

tigertwo1515

Hey, there!

Redheads are quite deserving of such awesome questions, so thank you!

“Redhead” is a ubiquitous term for the fair-skinned, often freckle-faced redheads of Ireland and Scotland.  However, natural redheads are found around the world.  Redheads have been the source of stereotyping — good and bad — for millennia, and it’s only been in recent times that being a redhead has been something to get excited about.

“Red” hair ranges from reddish “strawberry” blonde, to carrot-top orange, to ginger, auburn, and chestnut shades.  In a 1995 study of redheads at Edinburgh University, Dr. Jonathan Rees discovered the reason for red hair is due to a mutation of the melanocortin 1 receptor, a.k.a, the MC1R, on the 16th chromosome, something he called the “Ginger Gene.”

Redheads have a greater risk of bruising and sunburning, but we also have a higher pain threshold.  In fact, redheaded people can require up to 20% more anesthesia during surgery than non-reds.  Perhaps this is why Irish people are so characterized as pugilistic — Gaels can take a hit and not feel it as readily?

Redheads have been a thorn in the side of world super-powers since at least ancient times.  Two of the Roman Empire’s most notorious foes were redheads: the warrior leader Vercingetorix of Gaul and the uppity Iceni warrior queen Boudicca of Britannia were both said to have masses of flowing red hair.  Both Mary Magdalene and Judas were also said to have red hair, and poor Eve is also portrayed as a redhead.  Between the Roman Empire’s pagan enemies and the Roman Church’s dislike of the Bible’s freethinking dissidents, adverse stereotypes of MC1R mutants were created to slander redheads.

Some of the myths that abound with having red hair also tie in to myths about freckles and even fair skin.  In medieval times, women were burned at the stake for having moles or “unexplained” markings on their bodies (supposedly succubi of the Devil).

Other myths that surround the heads o’ red include such gems like redheads don’t have souls, walking by a redhead on the sidewalk means you have to turn around, or that if two redheads have a child together, the child will be evil… the list goes on.

Natural redheads are also associated with having naturally large breasts.  Artists exploit this from pin-ups to comic book characters to “Jessica Rabbit,” therefore redheads are rarely portrayed as small-busted.  Thanks to the stereotypes of big breasts in porn, men automatically assume a woman with naturally large breasts is more sexual or more easily talked into sex — neither is true.  But add that myth to the other fiery temper myths about redheads, you’d think redheads were the sexual scourge of the earth.

Growing up, I hated being ridiculed for my “weird” hair color and “weird” eye color.  I even hated my freckles until an Indian dancer told me they were special because they were kisses from the sun.  Somehow, him saying that made me feel better about my freckles.  As for my hair, I was called “Peppermint Patty” and “Pippy Longstocking” more times than I care to recall, but I didn’t mind being called “Anne of Green Gables” or “Heidi.”  Though, thankfully, I have never been called the offensive “Tampon Top,” as some redheads are.

Fire Lava - redderRedheads in Bed

I asked around on Twitter, and I received a plethora of replies from men… so adding that to my personal experience of what men have said they love (and HATE) about me… the overwhelming consensus is that redheaded women are thoroughly uninhibited in bed.

Apparently, the outlandish stories about redheads being wild, sexually insatiable nymphomaniacs are neither a myth nor stereotype, but a delicious reality.  :-)  Since by “redhead,” I assume you’re talking about the Gaelic fiery Irish redhead — or at least, I hope so — I can attest that redheads are amazing in bed.

The fire isn’t just for the temperament or flaming auburn tresses, though.  We Gaelic types also tend to have hot skin.  I have had partners who didn’t want to sleep next to me or even hold my hand because my skin is so hot to the touch.  This is only one reason my nickname is “Lava.”  And I find it interesting that in Ayurvedic medicine, redheads are thought to epitomize the elemental energy pitta, which is a mix of fire & water ( see?… Lava :-) ).

Yes, we’re easy to anger (we’re Irish, duh!), but we’re also easy to laugh.  Redheads love adventure, taking risks, and trying new things.  We love singing and dancing with pure joy and full heart, and we want everyone around us to feel the same.  We love spinning a good yarn and listening to a great story in return.  Redheads naturally gravitate toward walking the road less traveled.

According to my non-scientific research, almost every man has a dream of being with a redheaded woman.  I, myself, align with the “Women Who Run With the Wolves” type of woman — women who are close to nature and the natural, inherent freedom of woman.  But then, I’m also a heathen pagan witch.  So who knows?!

Maybe that’s what men see in redheads — we heed the call of wild abandon in life, in love, and in sex, when other women allow themselves and their sexuality to be repressed.

And we don’t take shit off anyone! :-P

trish

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AskTrish: Man Ponders Women’s Perspective of an Open, Polyamorous Relationship


Dear Trish,

I’m a 50 year-old straight (but bi-curious) male.  I have been with my female partner for 5 years now and have been living with her for 4 years.  I am in school 300 miles away.  The past few months, while I have been here, I have talked to her about exploring her own sexuality — not an open relationship as I am not wanting that, just giving her the freedom to explore whatever desires she finds.  I believe there is great healing in sexual freedom which is truly empowering.  So, tomorrow night she has a ‘movie night’ with a friend of ours who has made it very clear he wants to fuck her.  He is a good friend and the safe factor is one that cannot be ignored.  I actually encouraged him to move ahead with pursuing her at my birthday party on Friday night!  Can a person be able to feel true happiness at the thought of his partner not only having sex with a friend, but encouraging it and enjoying her pleasure by offering her the liberty to do so as she desires?  I know the idea is so very exciting to me, but I don’t hear talk about this stuff in many places.  I know I will be so very happy when she tells me all about it tomorrow night, I guess I am just looking to hear a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom while in a committed relationship, albeit a long distance one.  Do you have any thoughts on this?  I guess the bottom line is how deep does ‘control’ run in the male psyche?!  I feel so un-male by being so seemingly un-normal!  Would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’ or some other something else?  Would this kind of freedom (for lack of a better term) be received as a negative by women?

James
Ontario, Canada

Dear James,

A million thoughts are running through my head, many of which you may not like.  So please accept my response with a grain of salt as it comes with a healthy dose of tough love.  Since you’re in Canada, I’m too far away to give you the ass-kicking my Irish fire really wants to administer.  Clearly, the misogyny of patriarchal culture is entrenched in the northern climes — which is sad since I’ve always heard Canadians were so nice.

I’ll address your male psyche first.  You are not  “un-manly” or  “un-normal.”  You are following your desires as a consenting adult.  Neither a sexually repressed society nor antiquated, misogynist religion should be your barometer in pursuing adult relationships.  However, these negative influences have  shaped you as evidenced in your verbiage, which I purposely left whole so you could see your subconscious language patterns: “giving her the freedom,” “offering her the liberty,” “a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom,” “would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated'”… What century  are you living in?!  And are you sure  you don’t live in Arizona?

Whether this relationship you have with your woman is committed, casual, or even legally bound with a prison sentence marriage license, she is a free, autonomous human being and can “fuck” or “make love” with whomever she chooses, and she doesn’t need your permission or your “giving” her the liberty and freedom from psychological slavery to pursue the physical and emotional needs of her own body, heart, and mind.  Capiche?

I’ll get off my soap box because I know your intention  is not to sound like a misogynist jerk.  Your language is indicative of living in an oppressive patriarchal culture while your heart and spirit desperately want validation and freedom from  that very oppression.

Clearly, you and your woman have great communication, for which I applaud you!  While you say you don’t want an open relationship, you, in fact, have one.  It could even be polyamory if the other partner(s) have emotional feelings as well.  These types of relationships are not talked about in society for the same reason homosexual and bisexual relationships are still taboo — they threaten the hetero-patriarchal dynamic that limits relationships to male/female and institutionalizes the hierarchy of a superior male with an inferior female’s body and mind being owned by the male.

For me, I have sworn I would never do another long distance relationship because they’re expensive, annoying, and sexually frustrating.  However, I have always thought that sex “in the meantime” is okay because we all have needs.  The body wants sex.  The heart wants love.  You make accommodations when you can’t be with the one you love via abstinence, cheating, or an open relationship where both people understand there is a physical need that is separate from the emotional need — if that is an understanding that is right for the both of you.

For instance, if I were in a relationship with a soldier, knowing he or she will be gone for months or even longer than a year, I would tell them to have sex when they can with someone “safe,” i.e., don’t bring home any diseases.  The body has needs and wants.  So I’m perfectly fine with them having sex with a fellow soldier or “safe” partner while on deployment.  Do what you need to do to make it through the day to stay alive and come home.

Some species mate for life while most of the earth’s inhabitants only have flings or “open” relationships for each mating season.  Humans may choose monogamy or polyamory as dictated by their personal needs or spiritual/religious beliefs.

Polyamorous relationships are not fully understood or accepted by most monogamous people.  The non-poly people don’t understand how two people in a committed relationship can be with others outside the relationship and not get jealous.  Getting jealous is just not something in the make-up of polyamorous folks.  This hippie/free-love notion of open acceptance and loving everyone is a threat to our competition-driven imperialistic society that thrives on conflict and profits from war.  Polyamory will never be accepted as a mainstream lifestyle in the West until the oppressive overlords figure out how to make money off of it.

Back in my early 20’s, the theatre orgies I participated in were a revelation in how committed couples can explore their sexuality with friends — with their partner participating, watching, or exploring with someone else — and no one ever got jealous.  Ever.  There was no reason to get jealous because the desires and explorations were out in the open, as opposed to “cheating” behind a partner’s back.  Exploring our bodies sexually had nothing to do with the love for a committed partner….  But that’s bohemian artists for you!

I have friends who have been in polyamorous relationships — a man and his female partner with another woman whose male partner was a prude.  His jealousy of her need for the poly relationship put a damper on all four of them.  So, James, embrace your open relationship, and revel in the level of communication you and your partner have because what you have is rare and wonderful!

You also have a voyeuristic side to you, and I’m sure you not only want to hear  about the sex your partner is having with her friend/fling, but you probably wouldn’t mind sitting in the corner and watching, yes?  If you’re turned on by watching your partner flirt, there’s no harm in that as long as both of you have that clear understanding.  Problems arise when one partner wants things for the relationship that the other partner does not.

I would be interested to hear why, at the age of 50, you’re bi-curious  and have never taken the plunge!  Following your desires instead of living vicariously through your woman’s experiences with men might open a whole new world of sexual possibilities for your relationship.  Being with two guys is as much a fantasy for a lot of women as being with two women is a dream for a lot of men.

You are normal.  You are masculine.  You and your partner are doing just fine, in my opinion.  Keep up the wonderful communication between the two of you.  Do let me know how ‘movie night’ went!  Also, leave a comment if you have any more questions — and to tell me you forgive my tough love. :-)

trish

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