If you judged the average person’s sex habits by what you see online, you’d think everyone is into pain, BDSM, and hog-tying their sex partners into elaborate rope configurations. A while back, I was “roped” into a brief Twitter war with a guy who was trying to justify putting duct tape over a woman’s mouth during sex. You can well imagine I went Irish war queen on his ass.
Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to associate pleasure with pain, even though I’ve heard some pretty wild concepts. And I’m not talking about the fur-lined handcuffs, blindfolds, and feathers — although I’d never do the handcuffs or the blindfold. Even without a fetish being involved, women put up with painful sex for a variety of reasons, and we don’t have to. Ever.
One reason I did not go the official “sex educator” route was because I would not have been allowed to speak my mind on the sex habits I personally find to be dangerous or just plain stupid. (Yes, I know…. two consenting adults, blah, blah, blah….) Since the rise of 50 Shades of Grey, it has become politically incorrect to say anything critical about BDSM or bondage or a woman not being a doormat for an abusive man. And plain ol’ sex is considered “vanilla” sex, not exciting or amazing, just vanilla. However, I feel the need to speak out for those of us who like our sex to be solely pleasurable between partners who are on an equal basis, not one person in control nor one person made to be a slave or subservient caricature.
From my own holistic, Tantric perspective, I would never enter a sexual experience with any attitude other than love, equality, and respect.
And yet, pain is apparently all over modern sex. Personally, I believe the association of sex and pain is due to this patriarchal society that is based on hierarchy and competition at any cost. The need for control or recognizing we are being controlled is incorporated into every aspect of our lives, our work, our economic status, our cultural/class status; and then hierarchy and the need for control or to relinquish all control crosses over into sex.
Pain is pain, not pleasure. Women should not put up with painful sex, but often times, we do so as not to hurt the man’s feelings. We endure all sorts of emotional pain throughout our lives, but sex should be 110% pleasure. Women, you do not have to tolerate painful, unfulfilling sex. Ever.
Sex should never hurt. Except for some slight pain when the hymen is broken, sex should never be painful. Even for an experienced woman, penetration can be painful if she is not lubricated enough. Whether it’s your first time with a man or the hundredth, sex may need to be slow to take him in. Just because you’ve been with him before doesn’t mean your body is automatically ready to be penetrated. Being penetrated too quickly or without enough lube can be very, VERY painful.
Remember that the vulva needs to be massaged and stretched as part of the preparation for sex. Another reason for spending time arousing the woman is that the vagina is only 3 to 3.5 inches long, but she expands up to 50% during arousal. So if the man wants to get 5+ inches of his penis inside instead of just 3 inches, fully arousing a woman is time well spent.
The difference in penis size to vagina size can make for thrilling orgasms or a painful experience. If the man has a large penis, extra time may need to be taken to avoid hurting the woman. How much time? This depends on the woman. In this way, yes, the woman is always in control of the sex. That’s just the way it goes, guys.
Once aroused, the woman’s erectile tissue will be fully infused with blood (just as the man’s erectile tissue fills with blood), and for the woman, when the man slowly slides inside the vagina, it is exquisite pressure and a sense of being absolutely full, as if he’s touched her soul. Again, any man not willing to patiently await a woman’s full arousal doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near a vagina.
Encouraging pain to feel pleasure is just stupid — or even dangerous if your partner wants to try something like erotic axphxiation (choking to make orgasm “stronger”). If you actually know the “how” of orgasm, you’d know that oxygen feeds orgasm intensity and duration, so cutting off your oxygen supply is actually not a good idea. And about 1,000 people die per year from erotic axphyxiation.
Pain in the vagina, anus, or even in the pelvic floor or legs could be a sign of something very wrong. If you experience pain or numbness in the legs during or after sex, this may be not only a neurological issue but also a respiratory issue. Getting enough oxygen into your lungs, and ergo your body, is crucial for proper function of the body and especially for orgasm. During sex, focus breathing down into your pelvic floor. As you inhale, bring the air all the way down toward your genitals. This will ensure that you are belly breathing and not breathing only in the upper chest. Upper chest breathing doesn’t allow the body to get rid of as much carbon dioxide, so the body is not being fully oxygenated. This can contribute to the tingling or numbness in the legs. Also, being sedentary in your daily life or job can affect the nerves and bloodflow in the legs.
Moving around to the backside, anal sex should NEVER hurt. Ever. Whether fingers, a toy, or a penis, anal sex should only ever be pleasurable. Men, please know, that male prostate stimulation is very healthy for you, and any anal stimulation should always be pleasurable.
With the possible exception of breaking the hymen, no part of sex should ever hurt. Ever. Never.
Yes, I know that fetishes like spanking and rope-tying have hit the mainstream, but it is still a power-play of control and inflicting pain on someone you supposedly care about. Just because you interpret both pain and pleasure in the same area of the brain doesn’t mean you need to inflict pain to experience pleasure. In fact, if you are, then you only experience sex on a physical level, and orgasm is a response of the subtle body, not just a “release” of the physical anatomy.
The rise of pain as a means of pleasure is more patriarchal bullshit that women are supposed to adopt as “normal” sex play. Women are throttled by the neck, their breasts are slapped, their vulvas punched with a partner’s fist, and it makes me ill. What’s worse is that young people see the images, gifs, videos, etc., online and think that abusive sex is normal, and it is not.
Once you understand the mechanism and response of orgasm, you will know that pain should never be anywhere near sex. Any desire for pain during sex is a sign of other psychological and/or emotional issues that need to be resolved outside the bedroom. I know this is not a popular sentiment, and that’s okay. I want to be a voice for all those women (and men) who instinctively do not want pain-fetishized sex but feel pressured into accepting it because of this society that regularly features victimized women and abusive men as part of the mainstream culture.
Having lived in a patriarchal world and been affected by its brutality more times than I care to acknowledge, I will never allow an abusive person into my sex life. Ever.
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January 21, 2014 | Categories: activism, breasts, bullying, communication, connection, male perspective, men, misogyny, OpEd, penetration, reclaiming sexuality, relationship, sexual abuse, vulva, yoni | Tags: BDSM, bondage, fetish, numbness in legs, pain, painful sex, rope, sex, Twitter | 5 Comments
I recently saw the initial release of a new how-to video series, “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”. I would have assumed that such a women-centric company like OneTaste would have created a cunnilingus how-to, but they have done the unexpected by creating a video that explains how a woman can receive pleasure from giving a man fellatio. I can heartily recommend this video to any man or woman who wants to learn a little more about how women can truly enjoy giving oral sex.
Now, this is certainly not news to me — I orgasm just thinking about giving a man head. Spontaneous orgasms just hit. I love the feel of my mouth being full with a man’s penis. The taste, the smell, the texture. I absolutely love it. And the truth is, when a woman gives great head, she owns the man. Seriously.
Whenever I give a man oral sex, I always tell him emphatically, “Lay back. This is for me. If you enjoy it, that’s a side benefit.” I have always loved giving fellatio, or as I call it lingam puja (penis worship). Even in the midst of a miserable marriage, I still loved giving oral sex. I figured out that giving him a blow job once per week meant he didn’t complain about bills. And while I loathe the term “blow job”, that time of my life is the only time oral sex felt like a job — a chore, and yet I still loved the act of fellatio itself, even though I detested the man attached to the penis.
The concept behind the “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” video and corresponding training materials hinges on the fact that women can indeed enjoy giving men oral sex. If she doesn’t want to do oral sex or has a negative perspective due to bad experiences, then she might want to see how much pleasure she can have from it. The first step in a woman receiving pleasure while giving head is realizing that the woman has to want to give head.
Now, before you cry, “That’s male bullshit!”, I understand if you haven’t always (or ever) enjoyed oral sex. Cultural and religious demonization of sexuality, women, women’s bodies, and women’s sexual pleasure have brainwashed society for over 1,700 years, since the rise of imperial patriarchal religion crushed the remaining woman-centic goddess cultures. Women have absorbed this anti-sex and anti-pleasure propaganda, compounded by bullying about how women smell “down there”, and the ludicrous farce of how women are portrayed in most porn. Erotica is woman-centric and respectful of women. And we are a new generation of women who love ourselves and love sexuality without shame or apology!
Some things you will LOVE about this how-to video:
- It’s only $8.
- The woman is not a size 2.
- Her breasts are real.
- The man is UNcircumcised!!! Yes, a real, natural, intact penis!!! Woo-hoo!!!
In fact, she almost apologizes that, at the beginning, his penis is soft. So allow me to say for once and for-fucking-all — the SOFT penis is a marvelous thing! In Tantra, we have several nifty positions and activities for the soft penis, including soft entry penetration (yes, the man enters the vagina with a soft penis) and lingam massage, which is best done with a soft penis to help direct energy flow up into the torso, arms, and legs, rather than out the tip of the penis (helps with ejac control, too). So starting an oral session with a soft penis is fantastic because you get to experience how his body feels as the penis changes in size and hardness. (You control him.)
Back to the video…. She talks about her experience in learning to love oral sex. She also tells the good, bad, and ugly of what intense oral sex does for the woman, including the “furrowed brow” which is a tale-tell sign a woman is in orgasm, the deep-throating technique, as well as the steady stream of “snot” from her nose and the “spot” in the woman’s mouth that triggers orgasms throughout her body. Yes, you will absolutely see the “snot” running out of her nose. Yes, you see her crying several times from the intensity of the orgasms. I’ve written plenty of times here about how the more gut-wrenching my crying is directly equates to the intensity of my orgasm(s). Crying is an integral part of my orgasmic experience, so it’s great to hear other women talking about this topic as well.
As for the “snot”, I would like to clarify that she is not referring to the thick, gross “snot” of a sinus infection, but rather the normal sinus muscosa you have draining down the back of your throat 24/7. This mucosa is a necessary moisturizing lubricant for the back of the pharynx (very back of the mouth, top of the throat). In fact, when you don’t have this normal nasal drip, you may experience a dry cough or have clogged sinuses. So this mucosa is what she has dripping from her nose — but that’s okay! Vaginal fluids are also a type of mucosa (derived from the plasma from the blood in the vaginal walls’ muscular tissue), and men LOVE lapping it up! So let the snot run! After all, when your mouth is full of penis, the only way the snot can go is out your nose (or your ear, but that would take a miracle of physics).
Another thing you’re likely to notice in her technique is that she is actually quite still — remember me talking about slow sex? In Tantra, there is a technique of motionless sex — yes, motionless! The oral technique as shown in the video will help any woman out there who’s gotten whiplash bobbing her head up and down while giving a blow job. (Again, most porn is ridiculous). If you want to learn some groovy info and techniques, watch this how-to.
I can definitely recommend this affordable $8 video that can introduce you to the amazing world of women’s pleasure as instructed in “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”. I give my full approval of the information in this video and all the products they have. THEY LOVE WOMEN! And when you’ve seen it, come back here, and leave a comment telling me what YOU think of the video!
December 7, 2013 | Categories: anatomy, bullying, circumcision, cunnilingus, ejaculation, erection, erotica, fellatio, female prostate, film/video review, fluids, hands, juices, kissing, male orgasm, men, moaning, multiple orgasms, OpEd, patriarchal religion, penis, sacred sex, sacred space, slow sex, Tantra, techniques, training, women's sexuality | Tags: anatomy, bullying, cunnilingus, erotic, erotica, fellatio, how-to, OneTaste, oral sex, orgasm, penis, pleasure, technique, training, video, women's sexuality | 5 Comments
© 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
In my current class on Methods of Inquiry, one topic that came up is the ethics of the social sciences and research. My professor shared a power point presentation from a friend of hers, and in it, various points were made in regard to research on human subjects. The Nuremberg Doctors’ Trials, the Tuskegee syphilis scam research project, and the Stanford prison study all contributed to the passing of the National Research Act of 1974. This act allowed for the creation of the National Commission for the Protection of Human Subjects of Biomedical and Behavioral Research, which helped establish certain guidelines for conducting tests and research on human beings:
- Voluntary Participation
- No Harm to Participants
- Informed Consent
- Protection of Vulnerable Populations
- Honest Reporting of Results
Of course, I had to bring up the human rights violation that is routine infant circumcision. Circumcision itself is not a research project, except that there is research surrounding circ that just happens to use live babies, and apparently, circ is not covered in ethics classes or the social sciences when discussing inhumane, unnecessary medical procedures.
Here, then, is my post in my class’ discussion of the humane treatment of consenting volunteers — I thought my avid activist readers would enjoy a good Irish rant.
On the subject of human experiments, my activist ire is burning brightly, so you can ignore the entire rest of this post…. But if you’re brave….
Saying research on humans must be completely voluntary is great, but the reality is that is not what happens in the United States on one particular kind of “research”. Non-consensual human research does in fact still happen. In the United States, routine infant circumcision (RIC) on baby boys occurs on a daily basis — female genital cutting has been outlawed in the United States, but it is still practiced in some parts of the world. Both male and female genital mutilation are violations of a child’s basic human rights to body autonomy and self-determination.
While parents think they have the right to mutilate their sons, the boy himself actually has the only say in what happens to his body, especially when circumcision is an unnecessary cosmetic procedure. Even if the parents’ religion “requires” circumcision, the boy himself is too young to voice if he has chosen to join his parents’ religion. Thanks to the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, every American citizen is guaranteed the Freedom of Religion; and in the case of circumcision, boys have the right to Freedom FROM Religion. HIS body. HIS choice.
So why do I bring this up? (Besides the fact that I’m an intactivist — an activist for keeping boys’ and girls’ genitals intact.) When a child is circumcised, he may not receive any anesthesia — even if given a local anesthetic, it does not do much. The male foreskin has 20,000 – 30,000 nerves. Yes, he DOES feel it. If he isn’t screaming, he’s in shock. So, is this humane?
Circumcision is now being shown to hinder a baby boy’s desire to latch on during breastfeeding — the baby probably feels betrayed by the mother. New studies are showing that circ affects the way in which the neurological pathways grow and connect as well as the psychological development — it’s no coincidence that the most violent and misogynist countries in the world tend to practice routine infant circumcision — America is especially included!
I invite you to watch a video of circumcision on YouTube. If you can’t sit through it without wincing, ask yourself how HE feels — and why does our culture still do this to infants who are only days old? Is this humane?
Worse than all of this is that the foreskins aren’t just thrown away. The hospitals sell the amputated foreskins to research labs since animal research is no longer an accepted practice (and rightfully so!). The DNA and cells from the foreskins are used in research by bio-engineering and cosmetic companies. Cosmetic companies are looking for the “fountain of youth”, and they’ve found it in the mutilated genitals of non-consenting newborn babies. The next time you’re shopping for some anti-wrinkle cream, call the company — Mary Kay, SkinMedica, Cover Girl, etc. — and ask if they STILL use foreskin-derived cells in their products.
Interestingly, the buying and selling of body parts is illegal in the United States. I can’t sell a kidney or an ovary or even a length of my hair because it would be considered trading in body parts. And yet the medical system does exactly that — buying and selling the human body parts of non-consenting children and profiting handsomely from it. Must be nice to own the FDA like that.
Over the course of its use and being sold and re-sold and then put into over-priced facial creams, one baby foreskin can eventually be worth $100,000. So everyone from the doctor to the hospital, to the labs, to the bio-medical and cosmetic companies gain big returns for stealing parts of a boy’s body, and yet the boy loses — so much more than just the foreskin.
Think circumcision prevents AIDS? It doesn’t. Prevents infections? It doesn’t. Looks “better”? No, it doesn’t. The studies done in Africa were skewed from the beginning, and a recent study showed higher HIV rates among circ’d men than intact. In fact, the foreskin contains special cells — Langerhans cells — and according to Nature Medicine magazine, “Langerin is a natural barrier to HIV-1 transmission by Langerhans cells.” The foreskin is not supposed to retract until it is ready to, usually around the onset of puberty; the foreskin actually protects the penis from infections. The foreskin also keeps the head of the penis smooth and soft, unlike circ’d glans that tend to look dry and cracked and develop keratinization (thickening of skin similar to scar tissue) from rubbing up against the boy’s/man’s clothes.
It is also estimated that 60% of erectile dysfunction in adult men is due to routine circumcision that was done when they were newborns. While the foreskin itself is small when it is amputated during RIC, once the boy grows into a man, the amount of skin removed equates to about 15 square inches of penile skin, including the frenulum (of the frenular delta) which is the most nerve-dense part of the foreskin.
Women who have been sexually active with intact men say there is a difference in the way intact men approach sex. These men seem to be more sensitive to the woman and more aware of what is happening in her vagina than cut men are. The foreskin mucosa also acts as natural lubricant. I can attest that men who have been circ’d have problems expressing themselves emotionally and in bed. Many cut men need “dry sex” to feel friction against the scar tissue (keratinization) on the underside of the penis in order to reach ejaculation. Dry sex is painful for women, but I can also attest that women don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings; and so, we endure painful sex so as not to further damage the man’s self-esteem. (Note: Not all circ’d men need dry sex “to feel something”, but many do, and many circ’d men have fulfilling sex lives.)
At Good Samaritan Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio, a study is being done on 200 newborn boys who are being mutilated to determine which of two circumcision clamps is “better.” This “better” clamp will be determined subjectively by seeing which clamp produces fewer blood-soaked bandages and by judging the amount of pain expressed on the babies’ faces. Again, when did these boys give consent to participate in this study? Is this a humane study? Doesn’t this violate the National Research Act of 1974?
Circumcision can cause all sorts of problems from infections to damage to the meatus and urinary tract. And there is even a consequence called “degloving”, in which the doctor accidentally removes ALL of the skin from the baby boy’s penis. Yes, this happens often enough that there is a name for it.
If all of this were not bad enough, on average, 117 baby boys die each year in the United States from “routine” circumcision. If a diet pill caused 117 deaths each year, the FDA would ban it. And yet, circumcision is “routine”.
So why, then, is it not outlawed? Because some people are afraid of offending people of Jewish culture — however, few Americans would be afraid to offend Muslims, who also practice circumcision. A person can be proud to be of Jewish culture and NOT circumcise their son, who may or may not choose to join Judaism as his chosen religion, if any. A baby cannot voice that he does or does not want to be Jewish (in religion), so whatever his parents’ religion might be is superfluous. (Again, I point out the freedom FROM religion guaranteed to every American citizen.) Added to that, the “ritual nick” that is supposed to be the “bris” is NOT what is “routinely” done by skinning the penile glans of its protective barrier, the foreskin. Circumcision as it is practiced in America today is actually the modus operandi from the sexually repressed Victorian age, who touted circumcision — to the otherwise intact population — as a means of preventing boys from masturbating. But if you’re interested in the Jewish perspective of RIC, check out JewsAgainstCircumcision.org.
For more information on the erroneous myths and so-called science behind the pro-circ propaganda, visit IntactAmerica.org, Circumstitions.com, and similar — and for those in the SanFran area: BayAreaIntactivists.org.
As a tribute to the natural penis, I asked intact men to submit photos of their penis in various states to help women (and other men) get accustomed to what a natural penis looks like, and I wrote this article on my blog (warning: it’s NSFW :-) ). If you’re on Twitter, you can ask a question about circumcision, and be sure to use the hashtag #i2 to reach out to the #nocirc intactivists. To learn more about the history of circumcision, how it’s done, and consequences, watch “Circumcision: The Whole Story” (also NSFW).
Activist rant is complete… for now…. :-)
December 1, 2013 | Categories: activism, anatomy, body image, body mutilation, bullying, circumcision, erection, male orgasm, male perspective, OpEd, politics, reclaiming sexuality, sexual abuse, sexual health | Tags: circumcision, ethics, human rights, humane, penis, research, routine infant circumcision, sexual health, social sciences, United States | 3 Comments
We discussed his current work, I Am Harvey Milk, which is based on the life, work, and assassination of gay activist Harvey Milk. The choral work is set to have its premiere this month with the 300-voice San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus, starring Andrew Lippa himself as Harvey Milk along with Tony Award winner Laura Benanti.
Andrew also gave me a SCOOP about his fabulous show, The Wild Party, which I absolutely adore! So listen to the replay if you missed the live show.
You can listen to the replay here.
Andrew Lippa wrote the music and lyrics for the upcoming Broadway musical Big Fish which opens in October, 2013. He also wrote the Tony-nominated music and lyrics for the Broadway musical The Addams Family as well as the music for the Broadway production of Aaron Sorkin’s new play The Farnsworth Invention. Other musicals include Asphalt Beach, The Wild Party, A Little Princess, jon & jen, and You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. Andrew was music director for Kristin Chenoweth’s sold-out shows at the Metropolitan Opera House and Carnegie Hall. His accolades include a Tony and Grammy nomination, the Gilman/Gonzalez-Falla Theater Foundation Award, ASCAP’s Richard Rodgers/New Horizons Award, The Drama Desk, and The Outer Critics Circle Award.
If you’re in the San Fran area this month, you can get tickets to I Am Harvey Milk’s premiere choral concert at IAmHarveyMilk.com.
And stay tuned for the release of the cast album — I will definitely post it here when it is released!
Check out the replay at the link above or catch it and all replays of ArousedWoman Radio with Trish Causey on the main website, ArousedWoman.com.
June 13, 2013 | Categories: activism, AW Radio, awakening, bullying, LGBT, politics, RADIO, reclaiming sexuality | Tags: activism, Broadway, choral work, chorus, composer, equality, gay men, gay rights, LGBT, Musical Theatre, San Francisco | Leave a comment
December 29th is a day of mourning for all American Indian tribes and should be a day of disgrace for the United States.
On December 29, 1890, the 7th Cavalry sought revenge for Custer’s loss at the Little Big Horn by attacking Chief Big Foot’s band with rapid-fire Hotchkiss guns and mounted soldiers thirsty for blood. The Army assassinated unarmed Lakota men and set out on horseback to chase down the women and children trying to run away in below-freezing temperatures.
It was so cold in fact, the bodies of Big Foot and his Lakota tribe were left on the ground where they died and had to be dug out from the snow by the U.S. soldiers, who then threw them into mass graves.
The massacre of the Cheyenne at Sand Creek in 1864 was a brutal display of evil wearing self-righteous’ clothing. Newspapers of the day described how the U.S. soldiers paraded through town wearing their spoils of war, including scalps of male warriors and fetuses they’d carved out of pregnant Cheyenne women’s uteruses, worn around the soldiers’ necks with pride as if each “trophy” were a fashionable scarf.
Thirty years before, the Eastern and Southern tribes had been made to walk the Trial of Tears, leaving the lush, tree-covered rolling hills of their ancient stomping grounds to walk more than a thousand miles to the alien, barren land of what is now Oklahoma. This was preceded by decades of Indian wars over land that the indigenous tribes could not fathom as being “owned.” The tribes with whom the U.S. was now at war had been the real reason America won its independence from the British to begin with. And even before the American Revolution, the Puritans’ massacres of the Pequot resulted in the murders of mostly women, children, and elderly by setting fire to their village.
American history is littered with murders and atrocities that earned U.S. soldiers Medals of Honor.
I’ve been to the Knee. It is a haunting, sacred place. But then, all of this land is sacred — rich and beautiful. Which is why the American government would do anything to steal every square inch of it.
Considering the hatred our governmental leaders have shown women in 2012, am I really surprised that American soldiers chased pregnant and elderly women for 2 miles along a frozen river, shooting them all for sport? Or that pregnant Cheyenne women were butchered? Or women and children burned alive? No. Militant oppressors always target women because women give birth to the next generation. We give birth to their future enemies.
What surprises me is that in 2012, ignorant baffoons like Rush Limbaugh can call a woman a slut, and we’re outraged, but he calls a scholar a “squaw” and no one blinks. (Hint: “Squaw” is a horrible, degrading term for an indigenous woman’s genitals. How degrading? Call a black person the “N” word. It’s about like that.) Right now, Chief Theresa Spence is on a hunger strike in an effort to help the indigenous people of Canada, and yes, women and children make up a good number of those for whom she’s fighting — starving herself — to get a meeting with Canada’s Prime Minister.
The #WarOnWomen is not new. Patriarchal politics and religions have always hated women and our inherent strength. I’m white, but I’m a woman and a mother. To be targeted because of a woman’s gender always hits too close to home. The insanity and irrationality of racism is mind-boggling to me. But remembering the past can help us come together and end this misogynist tyranny once and for all.
Remember the Knee. We are all connected. Be the change.
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December 29, 2012 | Categories: #WarOnWomen, activism, bullying, connection, earth, government, misogyny, OpEd, politics, reproductive rights, Republicans, uterus, women's circles, women's rights, women's sexuality | Tags: 7th Calvary, American Indian, Battle of the Little Big Horn, Custer, indigenous, Lakota, NDN, Wounded Knee | 3 Comments
About a month ago, I put out the call for submissions for uncircumcised men to send in photos of their uncut penis. Sure, I got lots of teasing on Twitter, but I was diligent in my self-prescribed duty to look through lots of penis photos to create the collages below.
The purpose of the collage is to normalize the uncut penis in an effort to end routine circumcision. Men who were circumcised as infants face a number of medical issues from pain in the penis to sexual dysfunction and loss of sensation, not to mention the women who often endure painful friction sex with cut men. These uncut men also suffer social ridicule for looking “different,” or “nasty” or “not normal,” when in fact, the intact penis IS what is normal — the circumcised penis is what is NOT normal.
Circumcision is a barbaric, unnecessary procedure of sexual assault on a child and a gross violation of that child’s basic human right to be left whole, particularly in America where routine circumcision is so prevalent. What’s worse is that adult circumcision has been touted as preventing transmission of AIDS and/or HIV, and that is not true. Circumcision is blatant sexual assault carrying a Bible and wrapped in a flag — to paraphrase Sinclair Lewis’ definition of fascism.
For the collage, the men who submitted pics took photos with their phone or laptop camera. (Maybe in the future, we can do a pro photo shoot — with me supervising! YUM.) There is even a photo of a restored foreskin! Can you tell which one? (Hint: the pic is in Photo #1.)
Below, you can see the wonderful variations in the penises’ shapes in the shaft, head, curvature, and coloration. You will also notice how the skin covers the glans/head differently on different men and in various states of arousal. I particularly love how the foreskin covers and even extends beyond the tip like it’s the wrapping on a present — a present for me to open… Just sayin’.
In photo #3 of the erect penises, you can see how the foreskin slides back, creating the ridged band on the anterior of the penis and the frenular delta (triangle of attached skin) on the underside of the penis head.
To join the anti-circumcision discussion leave a comment below. Also, if you’re on Twitter, use the hastags, #i2, #nocirc, and #circumchat, and use #4skin for talking about foreskin restoration.
All photo collages are Copyright 2012 by ArousedWoman.com which is owned by Trish Causey. If you post these photos on your own blog or social media page, do not remove the copyright notice (which I have embedded on every penis) and please provide a link in the Reply box below so I can see. :-)
And YES, I hope to do more collages, not only on the penis, but the testicles, and to celebrate the differences in women’s vulvas, clits, and breasts. As my mantra goes, “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful. Orgasm is natural. Reject any dogma that shames what is beautiful and natural.”
To the guys who submitted photos – THANK YOU!!!
- Anatomy: Male Prostate – the Male G-Spot
- AskTrish: Stop Ejaculating and Have Multiple Orgasms Already!
- AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex
- OpEd: Fucking Cherokee Men (and Other People of Color)
- DailyOJ 08-29-12: Stormy Weather, Labia-gasms, & Emotion
Click on an image to enlarge.
December 7, 2012 | Categories: activism, anatomy, body image, body mutilation, bullying, circumcision, clit, lingam, male orgasm, male perspective, patriarchal religion, penis, reclaiming sexuality, religious oppression, sacred sex, sex education, sexual abuse, sexuality, yang | Tags: circumcision, dry sex, erectile dysfunction, erection, men's health, painful sex, routine infant circumcision, sexual health | 21 Comments
Just when you think the GOP vagina hate-fest can’t get any more absurd or obscene, Mitt Romney went all out during the second presidential debate last night. Though he was trying to impress America with his affirmative action stance of hiring women just because they have birth canals, his wording again reveals the depths of his disdain not only for women, but Americans in general.
His comment about keeping “binders full of women” made me wonder… If Romney keeps vaginas in binders, does he also have Binders full of Gays, or Binders Full of Liberals, or Binders full of Atheists?
All I see is that the GOP, Right Wing Nut Job Republican faction can crawl into my Binder Full of Assholes.
From a mandatory ultrasound prior to an abortion to saying pregnancy starts 2 weeks prior to conception, the Republicans are systemically legislating our bodies via their religion, their politics, and complete lack of understanding of the female body and basic biology. They are insinuating their dogma into our vaginas and uteruses, stripping away our self-autonomy rights as individual human beings one misogynist law at a time.
Any woman who actually votes FOR these assholes clearly hates herself, her daughters, and all women.
Below are a few highlights from the 2012 election year — the year that brought us the War on Women, #WhereAreTheWomen, and #VAGINA as a trending word on Twitter:
- NEWS: Rep. Todd Akin Defines ‘Legitimate Rape’ for All of Us Pretend Rape Victims
- NEWS: Michigan Lawmaker Reprimanded for Saying “Vagina”
- NEWS: Republicans Still Waging War on Women – ‘Paycheck Fairness Act’ Dies
- NEWS: What If Men’s Reproductive Rights Got Snipped?
- NEWS: List of 31 Senators Who Voted Against the Violence Against Women Act (& the Coward Who Didn’t Vote at All)
- NEWS: The War on Women
- NEWS: No Women on House of Representatives’ Birth Control Panel
- NEWS: Susan G. Komen Finally Shows Its True Colors – And It’s NOT Pink!
October 17, 2012 | Categories: #WarOnWomen, #WhereAreTheWomen, 2012 elections, activism, bullying, government, male perspective, men, misogyny, NEWS, patriarchal religion, politics, religious oppression, reproductive rights, vagina, women's rights | 1 Comment
1 – The events of this day were very powerful to me on an orgasmic and a human level. I needed time to process them.
So back at the drawing board here… my headspace has been so filled with the memory of my rape and reading readers comments, telling me about their rapes, that Friday seems blurry… like it was 18 years ago and the rape was last week… or yesterday…
But the events of Friday were important so I will detail them, though perhaps not as elegantly as usual.
Friday morning began with getting my daughter on the school bus, after which I caught the local bus to the grocery store. While shopping in the produce section, a small Twitter war began in which I was being ridiculed for being from Mississippi — as usual, and also as usual, made to be at fault for all of Mississippi’s past ill history. Of course, I stood up for my state — my point being that Mississippi has a flawed past as do most states in this country. (What? New York was a slave state?! Yes. Quelle surprise! ) The New England states just like to think they’re perfect. They’re not.
The perception of Mississippi will never change because the media and American culture like having someone at whom to point the accusatory finger, to blame for all the bad things in the U.S., which conveniently keeps them from looking in the mirror and fixing their own problems. The news never reports the good things that happen here — just the bad… unless that bad thing is Hurricane Katrina — that the media reported hit New Orleans — it didn’t. The northeastern eyewall went over my house in Gulfport, MS, while we were inside, and I’ve got the coordinates to prove it!
As you can see, a lifetime of Post Traumatic Stress came up with that one stupid Twitter altercation, that ironically was with friends, but I was the butt of all the jokes and the lone voice for what is good and nice about Mississippi. This hurt greatly that the ridicule came from friends because the incident triggered deeper hurts that I have held on to since childhood.
Being from Mississippi, I am not good enough. For anything.
In dealing with the Broadway world for my day job and my radio show, I always dreaded being offered press seats that I would have to turn down because I don’t live in New York. Invariably, they would ask me where I live (because how can a person cover Broadway and not be in New York?! (From working very, very, VERY hard!). I dreaded giving the answer, but always said with a smile on my face and a lilt in my voice: “On the beautiful Mississippi Gulf Coast.”
Silence. Shock on the other end… “Well, you don’t sound like you’re from Mississippi!”… “Oh, really? And how do Mississippians sound?” (Like TV and Hollywood stereotypes!)… “Well, um…”… Then I feel obligated to explain my mother was a literature professor and my father was a physics teacher turned physicist for the government, to somehow prove Mississippians aren’t stupid. In fact, when I bought my new smartphone last year, I got a Manhattan number so at least when I ring the press agents, it just saves time not having to explain my area code… except that after three years, they know me now.
Having to defend myself just as an intelligent, well-read, educated, erudite ActivistArtist(TM) on a daily basis just gets old. It’s exhausting. And I realized it’s something I’ve been doing since I was a kid. Trying to prove my worth as a human being regardless of one thing or another — the color of my skin, my freckles, my religious choices as a Pagan/Witch, being bisexual, having a child out of wedlock in a Red State, dealing with being molested as a kid, thinking I was doomed to Hell thanks to Catholic brainwashing, dealing with being raped as an adult and not reporting it for fear of public ridicule, losing my identity as a person and an artist thanks to my asshole marriage, regrouping with my musical work that was stalled because of the destruction of Hurricane Katrina, dealing with the bad economy, the BP Oil Spill, then becoming a single mom in an affluent artists’ hamlet. I’m just tired.
So Friday, after a week of horrendous back pain which began after I started back with KSMO, I got home, sat down at my desk, and had a really good, gut-wrenching cry. Not a pretty, dabbing-the-eyes cry. No, this was full-out, cathartic wailing.
The crying brought me to my source of the pain — the fear that I am not good enough to be loved by anyone. That if someone did love me, I have no idea why he would. The irony is that I know I’m kinda fabulous in many ways. I’ve got the bustline and the music fellowship grants to prove it. But deep down… deeeeeeeeeeep down, I still have issues…. being told I was ugly as a kid, being told I was fat, that I should kill myself, that I’m going to Hell — for numerous reasons, then actually being fat as an adult, losing my sense of self and place in this world, hearing my asshole ex-husband’s ridicule of my singing voice and my original music plus his hurtful words regarding my body if I got breast reduction surgery, complaining that I got too wet during sex, that I shouldn’t do anything during sex because he would get insecure.
At times, it just feels like I’ve spent 39 years of doing nothing right.
Within an hour of this little emotional breakdown, I noticed my back was loosening up. The pain, I then realized, was in a place in my back that I don’t normally get back pain. Usually, the knots are along my bra straps horizontally across my ribs and vertically in both shoulder blade areas. This pain was in the center, at the spine, directly behind my heart. I jokingly thought that maybe the crying had knocked something loose. Then I thought about that again. The excruciating pain I had had for a week was literally almost gone. The pain that was left was not the pain of clenched muscles contracting nerves (anymore), it was more like sore muscles, exhausted from clenching and spasming for the past week. I could move through those vertebrae again — and I had not been able to do that all week! The immobility through my back had prevented most kinds of orgasm — the stealth, Kundalini O’s make my back arch so there was no way to do that as I was accustomed… the few times I had stealth O’d, I literally tucked my pelvis so my back wouldn’t try to arch — not nearly as much fun. The nipple orgasms were completely nonexistent because the nipple’s nerves stem straight off the spinal cord in that exact area of my pain — the area of my physical heart and my esoteric/Tantric heart chakra.
Looking at the time, I figured I’d better get on with my session for the day. With the weekend coming up and the prospect of my period starting Monday-ish, I knew vaginal O’s would be another week away if I didn’t get this sh’O on the road… Now that my back could arch, I wanted orgasms!!!!
* Read Part 2 here! *
Aroused and unblocking,
August 21, 2012 | Categories: anatomy, awakening, body image, breasts, bullying, chakra, communication, connection, DailyOJ, emotion, mind noise, misogyny, nipples, posture, reclaiming sexuality, sexual abuse, stress, women's sexuality | Leave a comment
As a kid in Mississippi, the Native culture was all around. State law requires 5th graders to take a year of Mississippi history, and high school students have to take at least one semester of Mississippi history to get their high school diploma. I’ve been very fortunate to have several mentors who literally changed my life, and the irony that most of them were American Indian has not been lost on me.
When I entered Catholic schools in 4th grade, I discovered just how cruel the elitist class could be. Because of my fair skin, I was called “albino.” Because my hair was a weird strawberry-blonde color and my eyes were blue-green, I was called “mutant.” Add in my freckles and the gap in my front teeth, I was a treasure trove of reasons for the rich kids to ridicule me.
This was also around the time the movie E.T. came out. So playing on the mutant/alien theme, I would hear, “Hey, E.T., here’s a quarter, why don’t you phone home? ‘Cause we don’t want you here!” … or … “Hey, E.T. Guess you’re here ’cause your alien family didn’t want you either.”
When I hit puberty, I was suddenly taller than everyone, and I grew breasts and hips, making me wider than everyone else, too. The kids took my first name, Patricia, and renamed me “Fatty Patty.” I was not overweight, but reality did not matter. When we studied World War II and learned about the Japanese suicide bombers, the Kamikaze, the bullies at school then took my last name, Causey, and used it in taunts: “Hey, Kami-Causey, you’re so ugly, why don’t you go fly a plane and kill yourself?!” … or… “Hey, Kami-Causey, you’re so fat, why don’t you go fly a plane — oh, wait, you’re so fat, the plane wouldn’t get off the ground.”
The “in” look of the late 1970′s and early 1980′s, as portrayed by models like Cheryl Tiegs and Christie Brinkley, was the Midwestern tall, thin, tan stereotype. I certainly didn’t fit the bill. Except for my grandmother, I was the shortest female in my family. I was 5-foot-6. In my Scotch-Irish family, the women were Amazons and the men were tree trunks. I was short — for my family.
Somewhere in these formative years, I developed a liking for men who were tall, dark, and handsome… or at least tall and dark. Maybe it was a matter of “opposites attract,” or maybe I just had too many years of being made to feel worthless because of the way I looked. Maybe it was the cultural and media conditioning of Disney movies where the “Prince” is usually tall and dark. Or perhaps it is just a cruel fact of nature that blonde men are stupid… and arrogant… :-) On a side note, I hope a blonde man will prove me wrong one day. Also, I prefer brunette women, but sex with a redhead would just be redundant.
I support colorblind casting in theatre. Everyone should be given a chance regardless of what they look like. And I’ve always felt that reverse discrimination is still discrimination. Isn’t discriminating for just as bad as discriminating against? And yet, growing up in the elitist world of private schools and the fine arts, having “discriminating tastes” was a sign of being well-bred and “cultured.” Looking back, I can see now why some people were shocked that my best friends in (Catholic) high school were a Jewish girl, a black guy, and a short, overweight girl who ate Wendy’s burgers to curb her sexual fetishes… and then there were all my gay theatre friends…
When I was 17, an American Indian ballet dancer pointed me in the direction of my Irish heritage. It was amazing to finally be connected with people who looked like me! And learning about the pre-Christian traditions of the Gaelic people was life-changing for me. But meeting him — this gorgeous, tall, gorgeous, dark, exotic, gorgeous, NDN male ballet dancer who exuded virile masculinity even though he wore tights on his gorgeous muscular legs and his gorgeous buns of steel… Sorry… I digress… Meeting him opened my eyes to men other than the WASPs and redneck assholes I’d met so far.
Participating in an international theatre competition in South Korea at age 21, I fell in love with the Korean people, and my eyes were opened to the beauty of Asian men. (Yes, I now watch “Hawaii Five-0″ for Daniel Dae Kim. I could totally fuck his cheekbones!) And yet, I have a fondness in my heart (and in my loins) for the Black Irish and Black Scots like Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery, respectively. Years ago, I developed a fascination with India and all things Hindu, so those dudes are most definitely on my vagina’s radar. A sure sign of progress, television now offers a beautiful rainbow of men to ogle, thanks to diversity casting (albeit for still somewhat stereotypical roles). And truth be told, being a white chick from Mississippi, I just assume no black guy would want to be with me, so no, I haven’t bothered in that department (doesn’t mean I wouldn’t if I got the chance, though! Call me.).
However, the idea of purposely choosing a partner for the way he or she looks — or for his or her ethnicity — didn’t enter my awareness until a conversation I had while working with a ballet seamstress of Cherokee and Choctaw blood.
Studying ancient cultures and other peoples of the world, I found that most of the world has black hair and brown eyes, while reddish hair and blue-green eyes really are the results of mutant genes…. Oh, well…. The good news was that lusting after dark men isn’t really discriminating for that “look.” Choosing a man with dark coloring is actually just the law of averages at play. So then choosing a mate really comes down to penis size.
(Just kidding. Still reading?)
Joanne, the Cherokee/Choctaw master seamstress, and I worked on the costumes for an upcoming production of The Nutcracker. I think she was bedazzling a Sugar Plum Fairy costume — except she was doing it old school, hand-sewing each cabochon rhinestone and sequin by hand. Meanwhile, I was put in charge of working on the Mouse King’s giant chicken-wire and shag carpet-covered head. As a woman in her 60′s, working with the carpet materials was too much for her hands.
She would often reminisce about previous ballet competitions and the former great dancers. She would also talk about being from the reservation here in Mississippi and being poor. At this time in her life, Joanne was looking forward to marrying her second husband, and I noticed she would often talk about her first husband from many years prior, the father of her children, who were now grown. Knowing that she needed to vent, I let her. I loved her dearly as a friend and mentor. She was a prolific articulator of the words “fuck” and “asshole.” I loved her even more for it.
Working in complete silence, Joanne suddenly started the conversation that inspired this post…
“He was a mean asshole.”
I thought she was talking about the Artistic Director. “Fernando?!”
“No, my first husband… He was a mean asshole.”
“Why?” I asked.
“He was a full-blood Cherokee and cantankerous as all get out…. Yep. He was an asshole.”
Silence. Several minutes passed.
“When he would drink was when it was the worst,” she continued. “He’d start some stupid shit just to start an argument. And he seemed to forget I’m Cherokee and Choctaw. And an Indian woman doesn’t put up with an Indian man’s bullshit. Fuck that!”
In complete naivete, I inquired, “Joanne, why on earth would you stay with someone like that?”
She looked off into the distance, “He was only like that when he drank too much. But when he was sober, he could fuck like nobody’s business!”
“It’s true. He didn’t realize I let him have his drunk rampages ’cause I knew the fuckin’ we’d be doing when he was sober and sorry about it.” She looked me square in the eye. “If you ever get the chance to fuck a Cherokee man, do it! You won’t regret it! Best fuckers out there!”
“Joanne!” I exclaimed, still incredulous. “Isn’t that racist?! “
“It would be, if I were talking about his skin… But I’m talking about his dick. And Cherokee men can fuck like nobody’s business.”
So ……………… um …………………….. Any Cherokee men out there???
Aroused and heading for the stomping grounds,
- OpEd: Wounded Knee 1890 – U.S. Still Wages #WarOnWomen
- Anatomy: Female Ejaculation and Woman’s Ability to Conceive
- AskTrish: Stop Ejaculating and Have Multiple Orgasms Already
- OpEd: Want Me to Talk Dirty? Bite Me.
August 4, 2012 | Categories: awakening, body image, bullying, communication, emotion, journey, misogyny, OpEd, patriarchal religion, reclaiming sexuality, sexual energy, women's circles, women's sexuality | 9 Comments
With the issue of anti-circumcision rearing its “head,” I thought I’d petition comments from readers who would like to discuss the topic of uncut sex — sex with men who are not circumcised.
What does it feel like? Is slow sex better? Is deep penetration or shallow better? What are the pros and cons, the experiences from the man’s perspective? From his partner’s?
Mainly, I want to create an opportunity for mothers- and fathers-to-be to get a glimpse of why they should allow their sons to be left intact. Circumcision is permanent body modification, and this choice belongs to the male whose body would be affected. His parents are the stewards for his basic human right to be left whole.
There are rules for participating in the discussion!
Commenters can be:
- Men who are UNcircumcised — I would especially love to hear from you guys!
- Women/men who have been with men who are UNcircumcised — Please share your stories!
- Circumcised men or their partners who have questions or comments regarding circumcision.
- Readers who are supportive of the anti-circumcision movement and even potential legislation to ban circumcision.
Comments should be:
- Respectful, NOT snarky toward men with circumcised penises — after all their right to choose what was done to their body was violated. It’s not THEIR fault they are cut.
- From readers who have specific questions or info about the UNcircumcised penis, including hygiene, personal feelings/experiences, bullying, sexual info during arousal, penetration, orgasm, and after sex; oral, hand play, and anal sex; any info regarding the foreskin, lubrication, erections, ejaculation, sensations, etc.
Keep the conversation clean and respectful. And yes, every comment has to be approved by me first, so don’t waste my time being pro-circ, rude, snarky, or a jerk (or jerkette).
Check back often to read what others write, or sign up for the RSS Comments feed (on the right-hand side –>).
Now, chat away!
May 26, 2012 | Categories: anatomy, body image, body mutilation, bullying, circumcision, ejaculation, erection, hands, libido, male orgasm, male perspective, men, penetration, penis, politics, pro-choice, reclaiming sexuality, religious oppression, sexual health, sexuality | 15 Comments
In a case of “how stupid can some religious fanatics be” (yes, that is a rhetorical question), a New Jersey woman has filed charges with the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission saying she was fired from a lingerie business because she was too “busty”.
I recently wrote two articles on just this sort of misogyny and cultural brainwashing: “Me, My Breasts, and I” and “American’s Love/Hate Relationship with Breasts, Part 1″. So if anyone thought I was making stuff up about how women are systematically abused and mistreated due to their cup size, here’s a “life imitating art imitating life” Kodak moment.
New Jersey resident Lauren Odes claims she was fired a few days after starting a desk job at Native Intimates, a 5th Avenue Manhattan lingerie distributor, because of her full-figure. At a press conference, Odes presented her three outfits with which her Orthodox Jewish employers took umbrage.Two of the outfits were on hangers, while she was wearing the third one (see image above).
At the press conference, Odes said this:
“When I first started working there, I asked what the dress code was, and I was just told to look around and see what everyone else was wearing. So I did. The dress was very casual athletic wear to business attire. When my supervisors suggested that I tape down my breasts, I asked ‘Are you kidding me?’ The supervisor said, ‘Just cover up a little more.’”
Odes was then made to wear a red robe that the manager personally put on her person. Odes took a picture of herself in the robe (see poster in picture above).
“She told me to sit at my desk and wear it all day. I felt completely humiliated. She put the bathrobe on me and tied the belt, and I returned to my desk wearing it.”
Odes was then told to go out and buy a sweater, but while shopping for something to suit her misogynist employer, Odes received a phone call informing her she was fired.
Not being stupid, Odes recorded the phone call, then got the best of the best on the case, renown feminist lawyer Gloria Allred, who stood beside Odes at the press conference Monday. Odes had this to say:
“I do not feel any employer has the right to impose their religious beliefs on me when I’m working in a business that is not a synagogue, but instead selling thongs with hearts placed in the female genital area and boy shorts for women saying ‘HOT’ in the buttocks’ area.”
Any thoughts on this sort of patriarchal religious and cultural harassment in the #WarOnWomen here in the 21st century? Or do you think the leftist media is making too much out of it? Any comments, peeps?
Copyright 2012 by Trish Causey.
For most of my life that was all I was good for. Having breasts. And thick hair. Breasts and hair. That was me in a nutshell. Nevermind that I was intelligent, talented in the performing and literary arts, a Girl Scout, an honor student, an activist, a nice person. None of that mattered. I had thick, red hair and large, lust-inducing breasts.
I woke up one morning at the age of 10, and POOF! There they were. Size C practically overnight. I went from being the wallflower nerd in 5th grade to getting weird looks from the boys who glanced at me from lowered eyelids but no longer talked to me.
At age 11, my ballet teacher measured me for my recital costume and announced (in front of my class much to my horror) that my measurements were 37-26-37. She then had the nerve to tell me if I gained an inch in my waist, I’d have perfect measurements. I’d just started my period and was about to get braces. Having perfect measurements was nowhere on my radar. And neither were boyfriends.
I was 13, working backstage at an international ballet competition, when a German photographer wanted to take “pictures” of me. At age 15, I had my first experience with being mauled by a guy — a fellow cast member of a show, who was my ride home after a rehearsal. With no other way to get home, I felt like I had to let him do what he wanted so he wouldn’t leave me there at the deserted library at 10 o’clock at night. (This was well before cell phones were commonplace). Luckily my leotard didn’t have snaps at the crotch.
While working on a local show, I was standing backstage when one of the actors, whose face was covered in heavy character make-up, paused as he was pacing before going on. He stopped in front of me, looked at my breasts, and said, “If I didn’t have all this make-up on, I’d put my face in there and- He shook his head vigorously back and forth. I had no idea what to say to that. He was married with kids. I was 16.
While volunteering with a ballet company at age 18, the ballet master of a troupe visiting from Russia, cornered me in the Green Room after everyone had left. Before I knew what was happening, he’d maneuvered both of my arms behind me and held my wrists in one of his hands while the other went to my blouse, untucking it from my skirt. He grabbed my breasts and squeezed roughly. His knee was between my legs which were trapped in a pencil skirt. The more I fought, the stronger he became. My only recourse when he kissed me was to bite his tongue as hard as I could. He backed off immediately, blood pouring from his mouth. I tucked in my shirt and told him he was never to do that again. Even in this situation, my Southern upbringing would not allow me to be rude.
At 20, I traveled with a theatre company to South Korea for an international theatre competition. I was friendly with the troupe from Tblisi, in the Republic of Georgia. Just friends. Nothing happened. It was brought to my attention on the plane ride home that almost everyone in the competition — people from 16 countries — thought I’d fucked the entire acting company from Tblisi… and some of the Germans and a French guy.
At 21, working the ballet competition again, I was more fully aware of my seeming powers over men, and I was ready to be slightly more proactive. An Adonis of a male dancer from Cuba lusted after me, but his partner didn’t make it to Round 2, so I couldn’t take that opportunity to the next step. A ballet master from Spain wanted me. One night while making out with him, he, of course, went for my breasts first. The intensity of the situation was too much, and while he wiped off his fogged up glasses, I made an excuse about needing to do something and left.
I didn’t understand what the big fuss was about. When I was 9, my molestor used to admire the beginnings of my breasts, and she was greatly thrilled when they came in at age 10. This coupled with all the other events made me leery of sex. I was still a virgin at 21 until I was raped. The guy repeatedly ran his fingernails up and down my breasts, commenting that he’d dreamt of the day he’d get his hands on them. I knew him and we were in my bedroom, and at the time, the concept of date-rape was still new and not considered “real” rape. I bled for four days, but I still felt his nails on my skin.
I was so embarrassed that I was still a virgin at 21, I did not report the rape for fear the policemen would laugh at me. Or worse. It was too much to fathom sitting in a courtroom having to explain why I had never had sex, when everyone around me thought I was a slut.
For years, everyone thought I was a “loose girl” because I had large breasts. Everyone just assumed I was a “certain way” because my Irish anatomy was genetically predisposed to being full-figured. Finally, I’d been penetrated. At least now, I wouldn’t have to pretend a reaction when people smirked in my direction. The look of shame was real.
My breasts were never pin-up fabulous — not high or perky or uber firm — but they were large. At theatre orgies, when I was 22 to 24, my breasts were all the rage. And I was proud of them — but only because I knew they gave me power over men. One guy wanted time with them, so I laid back on the bed, purring, until he said — out loud where everyone heard, “They went to the sides.” I responded, “Yes, that’s what they do.” He replied, “Nevermind. They’re just sacks of skin.” I was humiliated. He was used to breasts that didn’t move, defied gravity, and were perfect(ly fake). As large as mine were, my breasts didn’t measure up.
Aged 25 and working as a leasing consultant at an apartment property, I’d forgotten the cardinal rule of being big-busted — never wear form-fitting sweaters. Sure enough, as I sat there, one of the paint contractors walks in — I’d never seen him before. He took one look at me, and exclaimed, “Damn, but don’t you put Dolly Parton to shame!”
Lovely. From a complete stranger, no less.
I hated my breasts, and I wanted them gone. I thoroughly researched breast reduction. I watched every nerd channel show on plastic surgery, scrutinizing the process and the results. I even worked for a plastic surgeon and felt I could practically do a breast redux consult and procedure myself by that point.
Frequently, I would have to ask my husband to massage my back to help release the knots. These massages were never spa- or romance-novel-worthy. They were painful — horribly-hot, sharp, stabbing, searing pain, painful.
From the nape of my neck to my bottom ribs, from one shoulder across to the other, my back was one, huge knotted mass of contracted muscle and pinched nerves, for years. Constant back pain affected how I walked and how I slept — when I could sleep. Permanent red grooves still scar my shoulders from their weight.
External and environmental projections of cultural myths and stereotypes compelled self-loathing within me I never would have imagined possible. Having large breasts made my body acceptable for repeated sexual abuse, and society assumed I “wanted” it or “deserved” it just because of the way my body developed.
In 2004, I thought my marriage might work out after all. Things had looked up for a while, and I had surprised myself thinking that I might actually grow to love him again. I was in the kitchen, and remarked, quite off the cuff, that I’d decided to go ahead and have the breast reduction surgery. He shook his head, getting angry, and actually pouted.
After inquiring what was wrong, he said, “If you go through with it, I’ll never be able to make love to you again. I would take one look at those hideous purple scars and be too disgusted to be aroused.” That cut me to my soul. And it solidified for me that he’d never truly loved me. No man ever had or would. I was nothing but breasts and hair to men.
I’ve had a child, whom I breastfed. I purposely gained weight so my husband wouldn’t want me, which wrecked my thyroid. Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and the subsequent PTSD didn’t help. In 2010, I escaped my hellhole marriage and began a path of reclaiming my dreams and my identity.
Last fall, a friend suggested I try sensual massage as part of my orgasm awakening regimen. I thought it was hokey, but I tried it anyway. At the same time, I read Tantric Orgasm for Women, that included a breast meditation, which I also thought was hokey. But I tried it anyway.
The sensual self-massage put me in touch with my body in a gentle, caressing way that I’d not thought possible. I realized then that I had never been touched gently. Ever. By anyone. Tingles rippled up and down my body. Energy zinged up my spine, across my scalp, and tickled my face.
The breast meditation involved gently holding my breasts from the outside while mentally entering my breasts from the inside. From my center. From my heart. This was the first time I experienced my breasts in relationship to my body and how they come from me. Since I was 9, the attention my breasts received has been from the external world passing judgment, men (and females) groping, clawing, and lusting after them, while society applied the scarlet letter of shame.
My breasts had been the victim, not my enemy. For the first time, I experienced my breasts as a part of me, and I cried uncontrollably. Holding my breasts, I wanted to apologize for ever hating them and sending the negativity to them.
I’m now a single mom, 43 pounds lighter, and infinitely happier. I’m a few months away from turning 40.
While laying in bed one night, I noticed a woman on my laptop’s screen. I thought, “Wow, those breasts look good.” I then realized the screen was dark due to the screen saver, and the breasts I saw were mine. I looked good laying down — with my breasts to the sides as real breasts are wont to do.
It was at that moment that I knew without a doubt that I will never have breast reduction. After years of wanting them gone, I cannot imagine having them cut now. Knowing that the surgeon will cut every nerve around the nipple-areola complex which is wired directly to the clitoris and remove a huge triangle of nerve-rich skin from the underside of the breast, simply hurts my heart — not to mention what it might do to my orgasms. After making peace with my breasts and experiencing such wonderful sensations and orgasms directly because of them, I can’t fathom not having them exactly as they are.
My breasts will never grace a magazine’s centerfold, and they’d never withstand the scrutiny of men accustomed to ogling implants and the perfect breasts of 20-somethings in skin mags or porn. I’ll never look good bra-less, and swimsuits will always be my arch-nemesis. I can live with that. And however society chooses to judge my old, not-perfect breasts is society’s waste of time and energy. I have other things to do than worry about what other people think — which I can’t control anyway.
My breasts will never be perfect. But they will always be mine. And I love my breasts.
May 17, 2012 | Categories: anatomy, awakening, body image, breasts, bullying, chakra, chi, connection, energy field, guided visualization, heart, male perspective, meditation, nipples, OpEd, penetration, reclaiming sexuality, sensual massage, sexual energy | Tags: body image, breasts, culture, media, misogyny, oppression, WarOnWomen, women's issues, women's sexuality | 33 Comments
On another forum, I read a recent series of posts in a particular thread that once again compel me to want to pull my hair out!
A man had discovered his multiple orgasm potential and was sharing the experience with his new female partner. He wanted to try slow sex to avoid the rigorous thrusting that might lead to ejaculation, but she, according to him, just wanted a “hard fuck.” That’s all she ever wanted. She just likes the “hard fuck.”
So he obliged and, in his words, proceeded to “fuck the shit out of her” and alternately did “fuck the crap” out of her.
Equating vigorous sex with forceful defecation is not only immature, it is a bit misogynistic. To see the men on that forum then applaud the language was disappointing. I’m glad he’s having wonderful discoveries about his sexual potential, but verbalizing the experience could have been less crude. And guys wonder WHY women get annoyed with how men approach sex?!
The other points he made included pulling out afterward, that kissing afterward brought him more orgasms, and that he had been afraid to tell her about his multi-orgasmic potential because he didn’t want her to feel “threatened” or “scared” by it.
So allow me to let male readers in on a few things:
1. WOMEN LOVE SEX. Why this is news to men, I do NOT know. We like it slow and deep, and fast and hard (try alternating 4 slow/deep with 8 hard/fast, and repeat over and over)…
2. Women KNOW men can have multiple orgasms. We know men are jealous of women’s capability of MO’s even though most women have never orgasmed during sex. We know men are jealous because they pout like bratty kids not getting their way.
3. The hard fuck is but one delight on a buffet of possibilities. Maybe she “only” likes the hard fuck because she’s young and has only been exposed to porn and/or exposed to men who grew up watching porn so their only dynamic for having sex is the hard, emotionless fuck.
As women, we are trained directly and indirectly not to show emotion, that men hate emotion during sex and after sex. And heaven forbid a woman cry afterward or ask to be held — that sends the guy into a panic… or so young women are lead to believe. And men have certainly been misled by mainstream media and porn as to what is expected of a man during sex physically, vocally, and emotionally.
Let’s just say that some emotion during sex is a good thing. (Otherwise, you’re a zombie or a robot). Men should feel comfortable enough with the woman to show whatever emotion he is feeling at the moment, and the woman should feel likewise. If you’re both spending energy holding back and hiding emotion, that’s energy you could be forwarding to the orgasmic experience! But you’re so wrapped up in assuming what the other person wants you to be like that you’re blocking your sexual energy from its full potential. Drop the bullshit walls and pretense, and revel in being a human, physical, sexual being.
Also, if the woman has a post-orgasm cry (after pleasurable, consensual sex), then you have really hit the jackpot! Water is the element of emotion, and whether the water released is tears or female ejaculation fluid, strong emotional bonds are formed when the sex is good enough to cause her to cry or ejaculate. Hence, some women learn to prefer the emotionless hard fuck to avoid emotion and forming bonds. Don’t confuse this with the occasional overwhelming lust for hard and fast sex — that can feel amazing every now and then. But if a woman says she “only” wants that “every” time, she’s been trained to think like that, or she is trying to protect herself emotionally from getting hurt via forming an emotional bond through slow sex.
4. NEVER just pull out. A woman may not show it (because of the training of “don’t show emotion”), but a man pulling out quickly immediately after sex is like having your soul ripped out (which, by the way, can induce tears from the woman, but NOT the good kind!) There’s nothing wrong with staying inside for a while — if in doubt, ASK HER.
Roll over onto your sides so neither of you is supporting your body weight. Let the penis relax while it’s still inside, and talk, caress each other, and kiss (maybe bringing on more full-body orgasms?). Maybe you’ll be able to experience the incredible feeling of the penis getting hard again — a truly serpentine Kundalini experience!
5. Women love to talk (much to men’s chagrin), but that’s the great thing about communication. Women should be able to talk about what they want — not just do what they think the guy expects her to want or expects her to do. When YOU talk to her, you’re allowing her to feel free — to share what she thinks, feels, and wants. You both might learn you want the same things. Talking during sex is great, too, to reaffirm that the touch and position and overall experience is pleasurable. (Of course, as you get closer to each orgasm, complete sentences might not be entirely possible until you come back down.) Let your partner know what just worked to send you over the edge, and maybe he or she will be willing to do it again immediately!
Talking afterward is a great way to prolong the experience, re-live it, and share about what you both experienced: the various positions, how you each processed the sensations, etc…. You can discover so much about how the other person really felt, then file that information in your mental orgasm to-do folder.
Women (and men!) who don’t ask for what they want just confound me!! Too often, people are afraid to ask for what they want because they fear rejection or ridicule. Would you really want to be with someone who would subject you to ridicule? Better to accept the rejection and cross that person off your list of partners and be done with them. Then you’re open to find a partner who just might be the right combination you need and want.
Agree? Disagree? Feel free to leave a comment (but whisper sweet nothings to me first :) ).
Aroused and ready,
After the disgusting male chauvinism displayed by the Republicans in the United States Congress recently, the Puritanical hammer hit home (again) this morning.
I received a recorded phone message from my daughter’s middle school, explaining that the new state law requiring sex education in our public schools is going into effect. Parents and educators are being asked to answer a survey to see what “kind” of sex-education program would be administered to the little darlings.
Trying to do my duty as a mother, I went to the website to take this “survey” and was shocked at what I saw. It was not a survey so much as an either-or choice that clearly shows you’re either a religious Southern Republican or a leftist heathen Democrat (living in the South). Our choices for the survey were: Abstinence-ONLY or
After lifting my jaw off the floor, I could only exclaim, “REALLY??!! Those are the options?! Either way, abstinence is still a major part of the curriculum?!”
I remember seeing a study since the Bush regime’s Abstinence-Only sex-education programs went into effect that showed teen pregnancies skyrocketed as has sexually transmitted diseases among teenagers. A friend of mine who is studying to be a nurse told me that in one of his STD courses, he learned that the group in which HIV is spreading the fastest is among teenage girls aged 13-18.
My daughter is 13. Oh, goddess, help me.
Thanks, Bush! Your legacy will live on via unwanted teen pregnancies that will either be aborted, put up for adoption, or force many teenage girls to go on Medicaid, WIC, and even Welfare, as well as a generation of teens who will spend the next 80 years of their lives with sexually transmitted diseases — assuming they live that long. Bush, you’ve done a bang-up job of perpetuating the Republican agenda — “no” to accurate information on sex and women’s rights, but “yes” to guns, corporate greed, war, and the death penalty. Considering Republicans hate the cost of social programs like Medicaid and Welfare, you’d think they would see the correlation between abstinence-only sex education and the rising numbers of people receiving tax-payer paid services and monthly government checks ON these social programs.
If bullying is the new evil, then why are our legislators bullying us and our children into the vacuum of religious and political brainwashing? I’m damn sure not drinking this Kool-aid!
Back to the survey I was taking, there was a third choice of “Other” with a little box to accommodate a comment. Of course, I chose that option. Here’s my response to
their ridiculous sex-ed program proposal:
“ABSTINENCE is NOT a realistic option. The human body is biologically ready for sex at the onset of puberty at age 11 or 12, and a hundred years ago, girls were married and having kids at 16. Humans are supposed to be sexual. To push a Republican agenda on our kids is WRONG. Kids need to know about sex, safe-sex practices INCLUDING birth control and condoms, as well as the consequences of sex, including pregnancy, STDs, and other infections that cause health problems (HPV, pelvic inflammation issues, etc.). I VOTE FOR EDUCATION not Puritanical religious bullshit. Feel free to email me at (my personal email).”
WOMEN OF THE UNITED STATES: If we don’t consistently stand up for our rights as human beings, as women, and as American citizens, we will find ourselves BACK in the status of second-class citizens, with no voice in the government, merely existing as the property of our father or our husband, and spending our lives barefoot and pregnant while serving the family as the maid, cook, laundress, teacher, and general slave, and serving the husband as his personal whore — a life with no rights to our bodies and no rights to our self-determination as human beings.
Sex-Education is NOT just about the penis and the vagina, or birth control or STDs. Sex-Education is about educating the WHOLE PERSON on their rights to be sexual and sensual, to choose what happens to his or her body, to know the consequences of being sexual, and know the options for dealing with the consequences.
Wake up, America. Turn off the reality TV and other cultural mind-numbing devices, and see the brainwashing that is going on around us and to our children.
Aroused and angry,
Ellen DeGeneres is an out and proud woman. And that’s okay by retailer J.C. Penney, who refused to buckle to demands to drop Ellen as its spokesperson.
The ultra-conservative group One Million Moms, which is part of the American Family Association, had begun a campaign to coerce JCP to kowtow to right-wing pressure. Astonishing everyone, J.C. Penney stood strong, explaining that it “stands behind its partnership with Ellen DeGeneres.”
Herndon Graddick, a representative with GLAAD, issued a statement of support as well as a reminder that the battle is far from over:
“This week Americans spoke out in overwhelming support of LGBT people and J.C. Penney’s decision not to fire Ellen simply for who she happens to love. But while Ellen has the nation on her side, in 29 states today, Americans can still be legally fired just for being gay. Our elected officials should use this incident as yet another example of the support for legal protections for all hard working employees.”
Be sure to tell J.C. Penney how proud YOU are that they won’t submit to the neo-con’s intolerance. Write a big Thank You on J.C. Penney’s Facebook page as well as a send them a sweet tweet of gratitude and support. They seemed to have come a long way since pulling their support from Ellen’s sitcom back in 1997… but it’s the 21st century now, and hopefully, J.C. Penney is supporting Ellen for the right reason… as in for the “rights” of men and women to live openly about their sexual orientation without fear of anti-LGBT attacks.
Which reminds me… I left some things in my shopping cart at JCP.com, and I will also show them my support with my consumer dollars.
Anyone who was within tweet-shot of a social media gizmo last week could not escape the public’s coverage of Susan G. Komen’s latest turn against women and the pursuit of a cure for cancer… (of course, the cure for cancer already exists, but that would mean growing certain herbs the FDA deems illegal and that Big Pharma couldn’t make billions of dollars from our ability to heal ourselves by going back to earth… but I digress…)
Why people were outraged at Susan G. Komen foundation pulling current and future funding from Planned Parenthood is a mystery to me. In 2010, the Komen branding nazis began suing smaller charities that were using the phrase “for the cure” in their mottoes. Smaller local or regional groups that raise money to support breast cancer research and women in their local areas suddenly had to give up use of the words “for the cure” or spend their hard-raised funds on lawyers to stand up for their rights to maintain their mottoes. Clearly, Komen had become too big for its britches… or just filled with neo-con bitches?
A few days in the hot-seat, and Komen finally came around to pretending to make amends. Komen issued a statement:
While Komen and right-wingers were trying to sneak money away from Planned Parenthood under the pretense of not giving money to organizations under “investigation,” no one was speaking up for Planned Parenthood and why it is being attacked by Congress and their “investigation” in the first place.
Komen’s press release consisted of a banal “apology” and “explanation”:
“The events of this week have been deeply unsettling for our supporters, partners and friends and all of us at Susan G. Komen. We have been distressed at the presumption that the changes made to our funding criteria were done for political reasons or to specifically penalize Planned Parenthood. They were not.
Our original desire was to fulfill our fiduciary duty to our donors by not funding grant applications made by organizations under investigation. We will amend the criteria to make clear that disqualifying investigations must be criminal and conclusive in nature and not political. That is what is right and fair.
Our only goal for our granting process is to support women and families in the fight against breast cancer. Amending our criteria will ensure that politics has no place in our grant process. We will continue to fund existing grants, including those of Planned Parenthood, and preserve their eligibility to apply for future grants, while maintaining the ability of our affiliates to make funding decisions that meet the needs of their communities.
… We urge everyone who has participated in this conversation across the country over the last few days to help us move past this issue. We do not want our mission marred or affected by politics – anyone’s politics.”
Susan G. Komen’s public image is officially tarnished. But better than that, women around the United States spoke out and spoke UP for women’s access to healthcare, women’s access to choice about their bodies, and women’s refusal to be a pawn in the political machine of Republican conservatives who will try to rip away the last of our basic freedoms should they win the Presidency and/or control of Congress in 2012.
Last week was a beautiful week for democracy, activism, and showing the world the vagina revolution didn’t end in the 1970′s!
February 7, 2012 | Categories: #WarOnWomen, breasts, bullying, equality, healthcare, medical system, NEWS, planned parenthood, politics, pregnancy, pro-choice, reproductive rights, Republicans, sexual health, women's health, women's rights, women's sexuality | 1 Comment