Wrong. I have ONE cause — Human Rights. All other rights issues stem from this central trunk of the rights and issues’ family tree. Women’s rights, LGBT, genital integrity, workers’ rights, children’s rights, and more — ALL are branches of the primary concept that roots us in our basic right to self-determination, autonomy, and our humanity.
Today provided a perfect example of how different experiences color our activism. Usually, this is a good thing, but occasionally, our pain from our own experiences clouds our words, resulting in our message devolving into a war of emotion. It becomes a contest of “my pain is greater than your pain” — a competition no one wins.
My morning started with me checking my Facebook and Twitter while I made breakfast as I hurried my daughter to get up, get ready for school, and catch the bus.
I try not to spend all day on Twitter, but tomorrow’s Full Moon seems to have kicked up people’s crazy cycles a day early.
First, on Facebook, I responded to a friend’s comment about his neighbors’ loud sex last night. As the conversation progressed to sex positions (okay, I brought it up), I mentioned that the reason the original missionary position is the only position ever condoned by the Catholic church was because it provides the least pleasure for the woman. It puts the man in the superior, stronger, aggressive position while the woman is inferior, at the mercy of the man, and passive and submissive. Another chick chimed in saying some women “love to be ‘conquered.’” As a woman who has spent most of my life fighting NOT to be conquered by men, I disagreed, but I did not linger since I had to get some real work done.
I spent a couple hours working my day-job (Thursdays are a day-off for me), and what followed was an entire day on social media in one activist role or another. And I have preserved some of those exchanges in the photo gallery below. (To view them at full size, click the box on the lower right of your screen.)
The second round of today’s activism started out simple enough — me talking about orgasms, specifically, mine, and how I cry when I orgasm. I followed that with a comment that men crying during orgasm is perfectly natural. Twitter being a public forum, a random guy jumped in the convo with a rude comment ridiculing how it would look with a “he man blowing his load and crying.” This began a series of tweets back and forth as I tried to explain that a man crying during orgasm is perfectly natural. After all, men are human beings, and human beings have feelings.
Apparently, men are still not allowed to be full human beings in our society.
The third and most exasperating exchange occurred with a man who, it turns out, is also an activist — an intactivist, to be precise. An intactivist is someone who fights for ending all circumcision — on males and females — because genital mutilation is a human rights violation of a child’s bodily autonomy and is sexual assault on the child. This guy had tweeted the following comment:
“The sexual urges of women in our society are more important than the pain of a baby boy.”
After a morning of hearing that some women want to be conquered, men who cry are not masculine, and a few other ridiculous notions that are proof positive our society is still sexually repressed and almost entirely mentally unbalanced, I could not sit by and let this tweet go without standing up for women’s right to be sexual and not be shamed for it. Did I do it the right way? Could I have handled myself better? Should I have called him a moron so many times? Maybe. Maybe not.
The thought I had toward the end of this Twitter war (that lasted over a couple hours) is that this guy is reacting and projecting because of his own pain with his circumcision. Just as I possibly was too harsh in earlier altercations today.
Hearing a woman wants to be conquered made me think back to when I was molested as a kid, my rape when I was 21, and my Steubenville-esque experience. Talking about the horribly unsatisfactory missionary position brought to mind my own status as one of the 70% of women who has never orgasmed during sex — a statistic for which I still feel shame for myself and anger at my partners for not caring enough about me to ensure I had pleasure, too. It reignited my distaste for the porn industry that created a caricature of women as hyper-orgasmic nymphomaniac slut-bunnies — as opposed to erotica that presents sex and sexuality in a beautiful, honorable way.
I was reminded yet again of the hundreds of thousands — if not millions — of women who have been raped, tortured, killed outright, and burned at the stake by the Christian church who has feared women’s sexual power since Peter stole the church’s high seat from Mary Magdalene. As a pagan witch doing research for my stage writings, I spent years reading witch trial transcripts, scouring historical documents of witch hunters, Inquisitors, and missionaries in Europe and in colonial America who were obsessed with exorcising the natural sexuality of women. This does not include the women who were beaten, raped, and killed for wanting the right to vote, or the right to fight alongside men in the modern military. Too many thoughts and memories swarmed in my mind.
Hearing that a man can’t cry when he experiences pleasure infuriated me because so much of our patriarchal, imperial, testosterone-driven culture still carries the gender-role prejudices of religion and hierarchical misogyny and misandry that does a disservice to women and men.
Today’s activism was about shame. And pain. And how, even when we mean well, speaking up for one issue cannot happen at the expense of demeaning other people who are probably also in pain. After all, the oppressive culture that says mutilating a child’s genitals is okay is the same repressive culture that says a woman is to blame for her rape because of how she was dressed, or two people cannot love each other because they’re the same gender.
I’ve been a grassroots activist for 27 years, and I’ve seen in-fighting in every single rights group I’ve ever worked with — religious rights, American Indian rights, LGBT rights, women’s rights. Who’s a real witch? Who’s a real Indian? Bisexuals aren’t really discriminated against. Women don’t need full body autonomy or equal pay. Conservative Democrats aren’t real Democrats. And it’s all bullshit.
My motto has always been, “Human Rights are non-negotiable.”
I love that there are so many of us, each working in a niche that is important to us. Yet, that does not mean one corner of activism outweighs another. We can’t all work for all causes at all times. We have to split up into different groups to cover all the bases. Remember that equality does not mean we are the same, but rather, though we may be different, we are of the same value as human beings. Our human rights family tree is rooted in and celebrates our differences, with roots deep in the soil of our humanity, echoing the ancient axiom, “As above, so below.”
However, if you only care about one group who is hurt or exploited and not another, then you’re not working for rights issues, you’re a special interest asshat who is no better than the elitist oppressors who mock human rights activism while making fortunes off the masses’ suffering.
So I may not know the full extent of pain that another person has experienced, just as they won’t know the full extent of mine. But we can try to listen better. We can forgo the pain-game and stick to the work at hand. Don’t allow the oppressors’ need to stuff us into boxes and categories or divide us into opposing sides hinder our work of coming together and doing the work.
We are better than that. Do the work. Be the Change.
We Are All Connected.
- NEWS: Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation
- OpEd: ‘Male Circumcision Is No Biggie’
- Anatomy: #TeamUncut Intact Natural Penis Collage for #ForeskinFriday (21+ NSFW)
- OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: Is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not?
- DailyOJ 01-26-13, Part 2: The Fear of Intimacy
- OpEd: America’s Love/Hate Relationship with Breasts
Readers will tweet me or email me to say that something I’ve written here on the blog or in my random tweeting has changed their perspective towards orgasm, enlightened them on female anatomy, or awakened an awareness about self and pleasure they had not previously experienced or had long forgotten.
Apparently, in my communiqués on the clitoris and how to approach the clit, one reader took some of my words to heart and implemented some simple techniques I mentioned when he was with a partner recently.
And then I went a bit preachy about the clit and the stupidity of porn, so please forgive that. :-)
If you’d like specific recommendations for yourself or your situation, I do consults. Just contact me via my website.
Released on Kindle a few months ago, Chapter 6 of Confessions of an Aroused Woman is based on my personal experiences. Confessions of an Aroused Woman is a fictionalized series of erotica vignettes that is women-positive, sex-positive, and all-around fun to read.
Reviews on Amazon.com:
Refreshingly, realistically, erotic May 31, 2012 ~ By B. Lee
Trish Causey’s writing is as informative and exciting as her website. It is fascinating to read her first-person accounts of what an aroused woman feels and does. The scene in which she is showing her man her masturbation, describing in exquisite detail her actions and sensations and thoughts, while he honors her arousal and gradually contributes to it, is intense! The chapter is so descriptive, hot, and wet, that it’s almost an erotic case study, and men-loving women would do well to take notes, with a towel nearby.
An open door…May 31, 2012 ~ By Saloonsinger
I read with relish this chapter of Confessions of an Aroused Woman. Ms. Causey writes with power and emotion. She takes us with her on a journey into being her complete and sexual self, and in so doing opens the door for each of us to recognize the same power within us. I highly recommend her as someone to keep an eye out for in the book world.
One of my Twitter followers wrote on 09-03-12:
Purchase Chapter 6 for only $2.99 … to tide you over until the entire book is ready for publication!
Thank you! And I really hope you enjoy it. MUAH!! xoxo
I know most of my readers check out my blog for sex tips, so I won’t drag this out. It is a sad reality, though, that the uncomfortable topic of rape doesn’t come up often enough in our culture’s national dialogue. If it did, maybe there would be less rape in the world.
This Twitter drama was more than I ever wanted or needed in terms of having to defend myself from being blamed for my rape and/or being made the villain because I didn’t report it. When the verbal assault happened over Twitter, I felt like I’d been blunt-kicked in the heart. I felt that creepy, dizzy feeling radiating outward from my ribcage, and I started shaking. I just breathed through it and decided to get angry instead of allowing any PTSD take over. The anger allowed me to channel my feelings into writing, which is proactive and productive. See! Being Irish comes in handy!
I want to genuinely thank all of you who sent me words of love and support, and I appreciate the sentiment of those who offered to help do that Twitter jerk bodily harm. Unfortunately, the Law of Karma prevents me from accepting your generous offer. :)
Remember, however, for every rape that is reported, many, many more go unreported thanks to the insensitivity of our misogynist culture that wants to blame the victim.
I am a survivor. Thank you, all! MUAH!
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With all the hullabaloo over stupid men being … well… stupid… (*see this post and this post… and well, maybe this post, too*). I am thankfully reminded that not all penised persons are cads and misogynists.
After a long day battling for vagina rights on the Twitterwebz, an ArousedWoman reader sent me a lovely comment about his own orgasmic awakening thanks to reading some of my posts — my “Allowing and Receiving” post, specifically.
I’m not taking credit for his orgasm success (okay, well, I’d love to!), but really it’s about him shedding some of the patriarchal bullshit and cultural stereotypes of sex and orgasm. Divesting himself of aiming for a pre-determined goal has opened up his body and his mind to new realizations in arousal and the orgasmic response(s).
Okay, so I’m totally interjecting my perspective on his experience, but here is what he first wrote in about experiencing a soulgasm(!!!), and below is what he said today.
I love ending the night on a good note.
While having a thought-provoking chat with a friend on Twitter, I got a bit of a shock out of nowhere. I’m not shocked easily. I wish I could say I’m not hurt easily, but even after all the crap I’ve been through in my life, my annoying humanity is still intact.
With the ridiculous comment from Rep. Todd Akin about “legitimate rape,” all of Twitter was a-buzz with chatter on the subject of rape. Interestingly, the topic which had started out being on abortion had shifted dramatically to rape, and not surprisingly, society once again placing the blame and the shame of rape on the women — the rape victim.
Out of nowhere, this jerk, “Dan,” buts into the civil convo I was having with my friend @sevenlayercake — though we differ in viewpoints, she and I can have amiable conversations. Whenever a Twitter interloper butts in, I check their bio. This guy was supposedly an “outspoken gay professional.” As a loudmouth Scotch-Irisher and theatre pro, I can certainly handle this guy.
I posted the link to my recent article on my rape — something I have never, ever, ever, EVER told the details of to anyone alive or dead on this earth until I wrote this article on it a few days ago. Why? For the very reason, I didn’t think anyone would believe me. And this jackwad says, “You want to milk your rape for sympathy.”
If this guy is “gay,” then he is the most fervently women-hatin’ gay man I’ve ever met. Gay men usually dig women, just not sexually. Being in the theatre, it’s not unusual for a gay man to ask me how I do my lipstick or to borrow my blouse.
So, below, is the conversation and yet another example of how the War on Women exists — and is apparently spreading to the gay men demographic, which I find to be very sad. :(
In my head, I hear the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor’s anthem:
First, I was afraid, I was petrified…
I will survive
As long as I know how to love,
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live,
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive,
I will survive.
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high.
I will survive.
(Click image to enlarge.)
Continuing on with my desire for a Bohemian, hippy, free love lifestyle, doing Tantric yoga with an earthly male god, chanting mantras, and generally taming this Kundalini energy that has become so… unwound…
Diane, a gynecologist, commented on my lament of my current weight, and she gently beeyotch-slapped me back to reality and away from the evil that is media enculturation. I’ve already written about my personal history due to my breasts’ size, my rape, and America’s obsession with breasts along with the hypersexualization of women’s bodies.
This self-hate is not normal. Hating other women is not normal. I think this competition we feel and act out is due in large part to the male machine of media, culture, and religion, all of which vilify the female form in one way or another.
Thanks, Diane, for the reality check!
May the Vagina be with you all!!!
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After a morning spent enlightening the GOP teabaggers on how ridiculous they are (nicely, of course), I once again had the yearning to run away from all this election craziness — this time coupled with an insane desire to join a nudist colony… just to be free of all the status symbols society deems important or even crucial to life.
I commiserated that I haven’t lost enough weight to be naked in front of others in public and was promptly reminded that we women cannot self-sabotage ourselves by heeding the KoolAid of media and culture’s negativity.
So onward I go, through this catharsis that has me by my she-balls.
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Every now and then I do post my political opinions — sometimes, my vagina and my clit need a break from all the hippy, free-(self)-love I give them. So I made an innocent little comment about capitalism, the middle class, and the GOP. Out of nowhere, some GOP teabagger makes a rude (and stupid) comment, to which I responded… several times.
So far, no response. And once again, you will see why I really just want to get this 2012 Election process over with. My body needs a break from the negative energy this campaign is producing… Talk about “pollution”!
(Click on image to enlarge.)
Spending time pondering the meaning of it all, I returned to a little activity I like to do to think positively about the future. I open up my drawing program and finesse the design of my ultimate dream home.
Today, I did a complete re-design… actually, I designed the little cottage I’ve always wanted to have in addition to the big house that would be more for entertaining. Except now I’m not wanting the big house as much — just the cottage.
What was my thought process? See below. :D
As the negativity on Twitter has compelled me to lay low on the social networking site, I did pop in to update my tweeps on AW’s growing stats and readership (<– shameless plug!). And of course, I like to chat with my like-minded free-thinkers.
Without waxing too poetic, I’m finding the negativity of politics too much to tolerate. I don’t watch “the news” and I don’t even have a TV (gave it away). But 2012 is an important year in women’s rights as well as for the country as a whole. As much as I want to live in my hippy free-love Utopia, I know that is not a real possibility… for now… For now, we must be vigilant and ensure the GOP doesn’t win the White House. VOTE, PEOPLE!
Anyhoo, had this chat with a friend, and it brought a smile to my face. So Twitter isn’t evil all the time. :D
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So there I was minding my own business gabbing away on Twitter, just posting the countries showing on my stats’ page. I like to tweet where my readers are from because it does my heart proud to know that not just horny Americans are ogling my wares. :)
Today included readers from India, Taiwan, and Saudi Arabia. Taiwan is a new reader for ArousedWoman, but Saudi Arabia has been a frequent reader to the blog. With all the tension over whether or not Saudi women would be allowed to participate in the Summer Olympics, I’m thrilled to have Saudi Arabian readers!
One of my tweeps then tweeted me and made the following comments about women in Saudi Arabia reading my blog. Of course, I don’t know if it’s actually Saudi women reading — how awesome would it be for loving Saudi men to be reading all this, also?!
Days like this are great reminders of why I do this blog.
Feminism is a hotly-debated topic in America and other narrow-minded, backwards, patriarchal areas of the world. As a woman who is a humanist, I often have to deal with the backlash from other women who think I’m a traitor to “the cause.”
I will write a longer piece detailing my why’s and wherefore’s of being a humanist rather than a feminist, but today on Twitter, I gave a brief “nutshell version” of my reasoning. The responses in return ranged from thought-provoking to hilarious.
Below are a few of the comments that made me think and made me smile.
From OM to KSMO to my personal experiences I recount in my DailyOJ, AW is gaining more readers and more Twitter followers every single day. Readers are writing in to tell me how reading this blog has helped them, and even men have reported new kinds of orgasms because they implemented some of my advice.
Below are a few examples of how Aroused Woman is making awesome changes in people’s sex lives and relationships. And I am so very honored to be a part of it.
Rape is prevalent. Yet, there is no sane reason why it should be except that rape is a tool for instilling fear and ensuring dominance. Rape is anger, aggression, frustration, emotional impotence, a power trip, a threat. Rape is not about sex or being sexual — which is why rape happens not just with a man’s penis, but also with the barrel of a gun, the neck of a beer bottle, the handle of a broom, or other implement of terror.
In talking with survivors who have been raped, the quote that comes to mind is Nietzsche’s, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” But why do so many women have to be brought near “death” to gain so-called strength? And why is associating sex and violence so ubiquitous in our culture? (Oh, yeah, religion.)
Worse, it makes me wonder what men’s definition of rape is. With marital rape, do men understand that they are raping their wives — not having sex? That legal marriage does not equal the right to rape? Does the drunk friend realize the alcohol was not an excuse for rape? And what about sanctimonious, judgmental women who are as much a part of the rape culture as the rapists and callous men who make rape jokes?
In sharing my rape experience and subsequent shame of reporting it, I received several messages from other women who told me of similar situations. I’ve removed their pictures and blacked out their names. These are just a few of the comments I received, but it points to a pervasive problem that still lurks on the fringes of open discussion.
Here in my corner of the women’s sexuality universe, I have dabbled in writing erotica on the side of all that I do here on the blog posts (and my day job as a freelance writer, penning blog posts, cover stories, and featured articles about the Broadway theatre scene).
I started a couple of chapters for my Confessions of an Aroused Woman, a book of erotic stories based in my own life and my erotic awakening. With the political issues of women making headlines, I started my main site: ArousedWoman, and then this blog.
I never meant to write down my personal experiences in such an open forum as this — much less talk about vaginas and clits every day on Twitter. But I’m very glad I did… and do. Writing up own experiences and feelings in these real blog posts has been a great journey to orgasmic self-empowerment.
And then this other little book was published called 50 Shades of Grey. I hear it’s about S&M or BDSM, or something. Sorry, I won’t be reading it… and apparently, I don’t need to… After reading my tongue-in-cheek post, “OpEd: Fucking Cherokee Men (and Other People of Color),” a reader left a great comment on the blog post concerning my blog. :)
While some of my writing is a little out there in topic and content, some of my posts are straight up annoyance and even anger based on personal experiences. When I write these posts, I never know if someone out there can actually relate — am I the only woman who’s ever experienced __________________ – am I the only who who’s ever felt ________________ ?
I love when people leave comments here on the blog, so I know what my readers are thinking. But I also love getting messages on Twitter from readers, especially people who can attest that what I’m saying is real — and maybe not so crazy as it feels sometimes.
Below is a comment from a reader who tweeted me after she read, “DailyOJ 07-29-2-12: Opening the Vagina for Sex.”
See?! I’m not the only one! … who gets mad at the pizza delivery guy… :)
I love hearing from my readers, and here is an example of a great surprise comment I received over Twitter. It wasn’t necessarily the woman who experienced a change from her husband reading my blog — he did!
Today was a great day for getting the word out about women’s rights and women’s sexuality (and I didn’t even have to write about my hours of orgasms this morning to instigate it! HA!). Below are just a few of the tweets and comments from AW readers & my Tweet peeps in the past 24 hours.
From the Twitterverse, where you can find me @TrishCausey:
“Activists changing the world…” and included me the group.
I cannot tell you how awesome that makes me feel. As activists, we don’t always see the fruits of our labor on a daily basis — we can work for years just to change one law. But this was wonderful. Thank you, Maria!
One of my former voice students and fellow activists, @PerryMJones, wrote:
… bestowing upon AW our first hashtag: #arousedwoman. Awesome! Let’s use it up and wear it out!!!
After I tweeted: “I lose 3+ followers w/ every breast/clit post I write. But gained a few w/ anti-circ,” my vagina-rights’ buddy @HumanChoices wrote me:
“I’m not sure what the hell is wrong with those fickle tweeters, but SOMETHING certainly is. You rock! :-)”
“Saw the new post. This was mostly in the local (NY City) news so it came to my attention. Now ABC news & you R making it global.”
Thank you, my lovely tweeps!
And an AW reader emailed me with this today:
“… just putting into practice some basic principles I gathered from reading about the way men think women enjoy sex and the way they actually enjoy it, my girlfriend said “Who are you?” after making love to her one day. That made me feel great because I knew I succeeded in treating her just how she wanted to be treated and in the way I hope to always treat her from now on.”
YES! YES!! HELL FUCKING YES!!!
That is what we want to see and hear!!! We LOVE men! We don’t hate men!! And this kind of gentle metamorphosis in perspective and approaching sex/making love is EXACTLY why I started this! OMG! I could orgasm right now …. wait… I think I did. :P
I’ve also been toying with the idea of having an online forum so that we can all learn from each other. Here’s a demo with some faux posts in the Main Forum — it doesn’t look all spiffy right now. But I’ve used this system on another site, and it’s an incredible learning tool as well as for sharing info about our fave topics, such as women’s rights, women’s bodies, and women’s sexuality… and the extended rights issues such as ending male circumcision, changing the soci-cultural perception of body image, promoting women-friendly erotica, etc. I can’t afford the Forum right now, so if anyone wants to donate some pennies, use the PayPal button to the right. Would be greatly appreciated!
All in all, a FABULOUS day!
May the Vagina be with you!