While I spent part of the day not engaging Twitter trolls who think women’s rights is an imaginary complaint of uppity feminists, I wanted to see what you think about being a woman, or for the men, what you like so much about the woman in your life.
Ladies, what keeps you going in spite of the struggles you face in society, in religion, in the media, the workplace? What are the best aspects of being a woman?
Guys, what keeps you interested in women (even though we drive you crazy)? What is it about a woman that ignites a spark in you?
What is it about Woman that inspires you? Please leave a comment, detailing what you love about being a woman or love about women!
That was random I know, but you share so much about your life and experiences that I wondered how you were doing in the areas that you don’t speak about. You have every right to say nothing. I just enjoy getting a better understanding of the woman behind the blog.
What do you like to do in your spare time, when you’re not being a sex guru or a mom? What do you hope to achieve in the next year, 5 years or 10 years? What is something that no matter how upset or angry you are always manages to make you smile or at least smirk? If knowledge is power, when it comes to the content of your Aroused Woman blog, how powerful do you feel?
All hail Queen Vagina!
You’re sweet! A few posts back, I announced that I was branching out with ArousedWoman(TM), re-focusing on “Awakening Sexuality Through Mind, Body, & Spirit.” So I’ll be posting lots of new topics and crazy wack-a-doo posts that I feel are relevant to my growth and that I hope are interesting to my readers.
As you can see from my “random post” on astral travel, that experience had a profound effect on me — not just my perception of what’s on the Other Side, but experiencing what actually is and is NOT on the Other Side confirmed for me many “beliefs” in regard to humanity, religion, society, etc. My beliefs-turned-knowledge affect me sexually (i.e., there’s no hell and certainly no “sin” as classified by controlling religious dogma), the experience of pure love (I know what I’m looking for when it comes to love, I won’t settle for anything less, and love has to be felt — it can’t be intellectualized or rationalized, i.e., If I love him enough, he’ll change, so I’ll love him really hard and work to change him into the person I want him to be.), and other concepts I’m still integrating even after the 9 or 10 years since the experience.
Which brings me to my “spare time”… Just yesterday, in fact, my daughter asked me, “Just what do you do during the day?” And I had to tell her the truth. Not much. I’m a Libra, a mind-candy person. I’m a creator. It’s difficult for me to actually finish anything because once it’s complete, it’s over — I can’t mind-candy it anymore. But my creative works have to be completed if I’m gonna earn a paycheck and feed my child.
I spend most of my time reading, learning, experimenting, walking, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, meditating, pondering, writing, tweeting, doing laundry, working, walking, composing music, looking at the trees, studying leaves, watching squirrels and birds interact, more reading, more research, more questing, listening to the wind, being witchy, brewing concoctions, making cool witchy stuff, doing web design for new clients, creating different workshops, textile design, writing, writing, writing, tweeting…
I don’t have “spare time” in that I do what I love for a living (theatre), and I’m currently working on 2 new training certifications, after which, I’ll go for 2 more. (I’m already certified in yoga and Pilates.) Because I do what I love, I don’t earn a lot of money — I live simply and have found that to be rather wonderful. I go to bed every night thoroughly happy with my life. I wish there were more time in the day, but I know I used the time I had to enrich my life, provide for my daughter, and enjoy being in this meat-suit while being amazed at the beauty that is around me.
It can be surreal sometimes. I’ve had people say, “Wow, you lucked out writing for a living.” No, I was in the performing arts for 36 years, I’m an award-winning composer, I hosted a radio show that had 27,000 listeners worldwide (that I put on hold to start ArousedWoman and fight the idiocy of the GOP during the 2012 POTUS election), and I have something to say. I created my “luck” by working my ass off and paying my “dues.” I earned my right to write for a living.
Currently, I’m creating an online course on Musical Theatre training topics, I’m starting a new project (a magazine), and I will get back to my theatre radio show soon. I’m also going to teach some health workshops in my local area to help supplement my income. I’m also working on the ArousedWoman cookbook, and I’m creating my orgasm training method (which will be in beta testing soon for anyone who wants to contact me to participate in it).
I’m still trying to get the AW Forum going and still raising money for ArousedWoman Radio, to interview guests and answer people’s question in real time. But that is slow-going. It will happen in its own time, I guess.
Most of my time is spent on personal growth, getting healthy, and growing my experiences sexually, sensually, tantrically. I want to be a complete human, not a shell of a human in the rat race of society, as so many people are. I want to help others get out of that kind of life — to help them make a better life for themselves, get healthier, find some kind of peace in this crazy world — to see that happiness in self and happiness in life are connected. I want to help people overcome their PTSD with sexual trauma. I want to help others see beyond the hypocrisy of religion, politics, and government — that all that bullshit doesn’t really matter — and if it does matter to you, then don’t just complain, actually get off your ass and do something about it.
I want to help people get off the lie that is the insensitive Western medical system which is being undermined by the pharmacological industry. I want to inspire others to get back to the “beauty way,” back to Mother Earth because the livestock and dairy industries are killing our planet and our bodies. We are not separate from the earth — the earth isn’t just the thing under the sidewalks and asphalt — the earth is our food, our air, our water, our home, our reason for incarnating to this physical plane. If the living biosphere of the earth weren’t so important to us, we would have incarnated on Mars or somewhere else. Duh.
I want people to take back their power to heal themselves without fear of criminalization from the oppressive forces in control of our society.
I want women to take back our rightful place as healers, warriors, judges, peacemakers — as we were before patriarchal misogyny made women property, whores, and household slaves.
Where do I want to be in 5 years? Hopefully, I will have finished my Bachelor’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University and will be nearly finished with my Master’s in Women’s Spirituality. After that, I may take 2 years to study Sanskrit at St. John’s University in Arizona. And of course, 6 years from now, I hope to have completed my work to be an official teacher of Tantra. Essentially, I want to be able to keep a roof over my head while helping others.
I used to think this life was too long. In the past century, we have tripled our life expectancy. Why? Wasn’t 35 years of war, struggle, famine, disease, and natural disasters enough? Now, we have to endure this for 72, or 85, or 105 years?! Now, I see that even that long is not enough. This is a great time to be in a meat-suit on the physical plane. It is a truly wondrous time of change, and we’re a part of it. The past century — this past year! — has seen the rise of women and the awareness of human rights that is 2,000 years overdue.
I just want to do my part to “Be the change.” In my own particular brand of “random,” witchy, artistic, holistic, bohemian, awakening, loudmouth IrishLava. But understand, we really can’t change other people; we can only change ourselves and be the example of change we hope to inspire in others.
Here’s a consult I did tonight over Twitter — yes, Twitter. See! Consults are conveniently arranged via phone, Skype, or even Twitter. Sure, you can ask me a question for an AskTrish post, but it can take a while (read: months) to get an answer posted due to the number of questions I receive. To schedule a consult — especially if your question is time-sensitive, just contact me via the Consult page on my website.
NOTE: I know this client, so some info on his background, health, etc., were not covered in this Consult. In this Transcript, Twitter typos have been fixed. Permission to use was granted by the client, who is represented by Q (Querier).
Q: I have had sex with 2 women in the past 3 months. I have had problems before but moved past it. The first few times I sleep with a woman, I can’t climax, and I have a hard time staying erect. I can’t focus, and all I think about is if she is enjoying it and I just totally suck. LOL
T: You’re putting too much pressure on yourself!
Q: It has been that way since I first had sex.
T: There are tell-tale signs a woman is enjoying sex that you can look for. Read my post on “The Face of Orgasm.”
Q: I feel that way and think about her because I have a hard time staying hard. It just stays semi and like floppy, it’s bigger so it’s harder to control when not hard.
T: You need to read my blog more often. Seriously. Orgasm is NOT the same as ejaculation. You can orgasm for hours and never even get an erection. Read my rant on “Have Multiple Orgasms Already!”
A “floppy” penis is actually normal for a larger penis. Even getting hard, a larger penis may not stand at full attention and has nothing to do with your arousal level. If you’re getting anxious, that triggers adrenaline, which affects the brain, breathing, and triggers the fight-or-flight reflex, as well as releases stress hormones like cortisol.
Q: Yeah, that’s how I feel, I’m nervous the first few times. I don’t enjoy sex and can’t come close to climax. After the first 3 or 4 times, I’m good.
T: What changes by the 3rd or 4th time that you can actually enjoy sex?
Q: I think I finally get comfortable, get used to her feel, her movements, I guess.
T: How does she react those first few times? Does she say or do something that makes you feel less “manly” or just inadequate? Or does she go out of her way (or maybe overboard) to boost your ego?
Q: I have never asked. Some women don’t come back. Those that stick around like it. I just feel embarrassed, and it gets worse each time.
T: Are you drinking alcohol? On any meds, legal or otherwise?
Q: There have been times when this has happened that I had been drinking and it happened. Most times, sober.
T: Alcohol is a social norm, but terrible for sexual response! But even sober, you’ve had enough bad experience with this that you’re talking yourself into being anxious even if you’re not realizing it. Sex with a person the first time is always a little nerve-wracking. And if a woman doesn’t understand that, she’s not for you anyway.
Have you told the women up front that you’re nervous? That you focus on the woman so much you sometimes don’t climax, and that’s okay with you? As in, you are focused on HER, and not yourself. That you just want to be with her?
Q: I never have said anything.
T: Ah… Communication is paramount. This is why one-night stands and at-the-bar hook-ups can be difficult for some people. They don’t feel comfortable talking about such things. You have to talk to the woman.
I also think you should begin some yoga or meditation exercise that helps you with stress and anxiety. You don’t need alcohol or meds to help with this, IMHO. Learn to control your breathing, which actually affects your brain, hormone response, and nervousness.
Q: How do I go about starting the anxiety control?
T: Contact a yoga or meditation teacher in your area. You want to find someone who is experienced in yoga (hatha, ashtanga, tantra, kundalini) — some tradition that is REAL yoga, not New Age… especially if you seek a Tantra teacher — you need a REAL Tantra teacher, not a New Age one. The purpose of the breathing meditations is so you get into your body to control the reactions you’re having to stress…
Q: I see, I never thought of that. I will do that! So how do I go about being intimate the first time?
T: Dude, you’re jumping ahead here! You’re not ready to have sex yet.
Q: LOL I see that!
T: Of course, I teach this as well. But you need a teacher that you can learn from w/o having sexual attraction to — like a man… (Not that you’re attracted to me, that’s not what I’m saying! Just that a male teacher might be better for you.)
Q: Like shadow a man you mean?
T: Learning from a male teacher will have a different energy than if you’re studying with a female (since you’re straight, the opposite would be true if you were a gay man). Since you’re doing this with the idea of great sex being the benefit, learning from a woman might trigger some of that stress.
Q: So what would I learn from him?
T: For starters, a man who’s mastered breathing and stress control would be better able to teach you how to control a penis, from the man’s perspective.
Q: Wouldn’t triggering the stress help me learn to deal with it?
Q: Well, can you help me. Even from a distance, I imagine you can.
T: If you want the male teacher, I can recommend one. And you could tell him about the sexual side of things, whereas you might feel weird talking about this with the average yoga teacher you don’t know, or talking about this with a man you’re afraid will mock you. Finding a teacher you feel completely safe with is crucial.
Q: There is a reason I came to you with this problem!! Okay, you are the master. Thank you.
T: You’re welcome.
I recently announced new categories for posts on the topics of Health, Fitness, and Nutrition, and I’ve decided to take my ramblings a step further… and delve into other topics that are both mainstream and esoteric.
Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get an email, a tweet, or Tumblr Ask from a reader who wants to know my opinion on some topic regarding sexuality, health, fitness, women’s issues, or alternative subject: “Hey, Trish, what do you think about…” … porn… lingerie… anal sex… “Trish, do you have any thoughts about…” … marijuana… astral travel… the Saints winning another Super Bowl…
Well, of course, I do! (And no, the Saints will never win another Super Bowl. We never thought they’d win a first one!)
I have tucked my opinions about many topics within my posts here on my AW Blog, and my OpEd posts have addressed certain topics du jour. But I want to respond to these general topic requests that I feel are different from my AskTrish posts, which deal with a person’s specific situation. So my new “What I Really Think About…” posts will be filed under the new category WIRTA.
Also, I will be starting new series of posts on Dreams because dreams can be very important, as well as Recipes to help fuel your nutrition and aphrodisiac needs, plus other out-there, bohemian, pagan, witchy, crazy, alternative, quantum, woo-woo topics that tickle my fancy and make me ponder the meaning of life in the multiverse as a ball of energy hanging out in a physical meat-suit — this existence being a cozy boho-fabulous place I like to call Trishtopia.
So look for my new series beginning in March!
I’ve been married for almost 15 years. Before I got married, I used to have orgasms without a problem during intercourse, and I was very active and sexual woman. Now, AFTER 15 years, we have sex like every three or four months and worse, without orgasms… well, once a year if I’m really lucky. I only get an orgasm while watching porn and masturbating myself — so, I’m not anorgasmic — but it doesn’t happen while having sex with him. Even when I’m aroused and really try to have an orgasm mental and physically, it just doesn’t happen. I talked to him, but it’s not enough.
I LOOOVEEEE sex, I like sex, and even for a while I resigned myself to abstinence. Well, I suppose that I am the problem, but I cannot find the solution. I want to enjoy sex, and literally shout out myself for pleasure and orgasm during intercourse but well… here I am asking for help. Love my husband and I wish I could surrender myself into his arms and enjoy and cry out for pleasure. Any thoughts?
Right off the bat, I see at least three major things that need to be addressed, and hear me when I say, YOU are NOT the sole issue that needs help here. It takes two to tango, and in a relationship, each partner is 100% responsible for participating in their 50% of the partnership.
The word relationship does not mean “suffer in silence,” as you seem to be doing — I know that’s how I felt in my miserable 15-year marriage with orgasmless sex. (At least you like your guy!) A relationship is supposed to be two (or more) people actively relating to each other. I don’t see much relating at all here. But let’s begin this conversation with you…
You didn’t tell me your age, so for round numbers, let’s say you’re 40 years old and got married at 25. In your early 20′s then, you were a vibrant, happy, sexual, naturally orgasmic woman. Fast forward 15 years, you’re experiencing issues with orgasm with a husband who is uninterested in “fixing” a relationship he apparently doesn’t view as being problematic.
From a physical standpoint, the body completely regenerates every cell in the body within about three years. So you are literally not the same person you were then — your body has completely re-created itself 5 times since then. Now, at “40,” your hormone levels are different, your blood chemistry is different, and this isn’t even considering if you take prescription medication on a regular basis that can upset your body’s chemical balance, or have unhealthy nutrition habits, too much alcohol or caffeine intake, etc.
My first recommendation to you is to get your bloodwork done and see what your hormone levels are — do you make enough testosterone? Testosterone is required for women’s sexuality, believe it or not. When we’re younger, we have plenty of it (without seeming masculine), but as we get older, women’s testosterone levels drop significantly. This can be made worse if you have been taking products that give you extra estrogen, such as birth control, or eating unfermented soy products like soy milk, soy yogurt, or ingesting too many foods made with soy. Also get your thyroid levels checked as the thyroid regulates hormone production in the body.
The second area I would address if I were you is the porn. Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch beautiful, sensual erotica myself, but as with any item we start to “rely” on for orgasm, porn may now be a “crutch” for you. I gave up vibrators when I could no longer have an orgasm without them — I literally had no feeling in my clit or labia, and I wasn’t even using a vibrator that often. It took six months to be able to feel any sensation in my clit. You may have gotten to the point where you’ve unconsciously talked yourself into reaching climax “only” when watching porn, so the orgasm is less about your sexual happiness and connection to your self and more about a psychosomatic reflex — “muscle memory” triggered by watching porn, if you will.
Go porn-less for a few months and get back in touch with your body. Your body was naturally orgasmic. Allow the muscles and nerves and your autonomic nervous system to re-learn what came so easily back then — awaken that “muscle” memory! This will take time and will likely be very frustrating. I invite you to read through my DailyOJ if you want a friend-in-frustration because I certainly understand. I would recommend my “Allowing and Receiving post” any time you really feel the pull to give up the bodywork and go back to the porn. Again, I’m not saying you should never watch erotica again, just take a break for a little while. Or watch some erotica or scroll through my Tumblr to get the juices flowing, then turn it off when you start masturbating. Relax into your body, focusing on your body’s wants and needs, not what you think your body “should” want or how it “should” act/react. Read my post on “Lying Broken in Pieces As I Heal” to see this process from a different perspective.
The third issue here is the infrequency of the sexual relationship with your husband. I am wondering, “What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to make love to a woman just starting her sexual prime? What’s going on in his work? His life outside the relationship — with him as a man? What stresses does he experience with his job, deadlines, co-workers? Does he have any addictions (food, caffeine, alcohol, other) that could be affecting him? Does he have health issues that are affecting his emotions, blood circulation, sexual drive, and even his mental/psychological state? Does he experience erectile dysfunction? Is he not making enough testosterone at this point in his life?” Yes, men make less testosterone as they get older as well.
As a man in his 40′s, let’s say, he may have been brought up in the last generation of boys who were taught to solve problems for themselves, don’t ask for help — that’s a sign of “weakness,” men have to have all the answers, be the leaders. Men are still suffering from the strong-silent-type John Wayne persona they were forced to emulate all the while being fed the Renaissance Man/Prince stereotype who is supposed to sweep a woman off her feet, romance her endlessly, and the relationship bliss and passion just happen all the time by magic — as women have been brainwashed into believing thanks to “princess” animated movies, romance novels, and daytime soaps.
Orgasms can seem easy enough if you find the right sex position. But the want has to really be there as well as a healthy mind and a healthy body. It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to bridge the divide here. Sex 4 times a year is not a true relating-ship, in my opinion, especially since you have tried to talk with him and he has not been receptive to communication. There are deeper issues going on with him that he may not feel comfortable sharing… yet.
Getting back to you, though, I hope you’re not expecting him to “give” you orgasms or “make” you cum. You are 100% responsible for your own orgasms during sex — or even solo. I see you understand that orgasm is a mental process first for a woman. After all the disappointment you’ve faced with this, your mental outlook may verge on the pessimistic side. You have work to do, for sure, and you need to work on yourself and your self first.
Okay… I lied… there’s a fourth thing I want you to consider…
In this post on orgasms, I explain there are different types of orgasms: the physical reflex and the energetic response. You can frig off for hours and never orgasm, much less climax. Or you can rewire the body to the point where you just think the word “orgasm,” and you’re off into the La-La Land of Bliss. Get back to your body, and rewire from the parasympathetic nervous system outward. And remember, I’m working on an orgasm training method that teaches this very thing, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter.
I know, I know… Other peolpe are going to suggest you do all the work here — add the “romance” back in, wear some lingerie, light candles, cook him a nice dinner, give him a massage to loosen him up to get him in the mood. This is all superficial bullshit. Your relationship needs true communication re-building, and that begins with honest dialogue, not pretending the problems away.
To begin this journey of healing, begin with yourself. To heal the relationship, you MUST sit him down, either just the two of you or with a counselor. You cannot save the sex or the relationship by yourself.
I most heartfully wish you well in this. And for more in-depth personalized advice, I also do consults via phone or Skype.
If you read my post from the other day, you know ArousedWoman is now 1 year old — and what a year it has been! I did not set out to create what ArousedWoman has become — I just followed my heart to continue my activism for myself personally and “to stir to action” and “awaken” others to the need for activism for women’s rights and other issues collectively. And poof! ArousedWoman is now arousing readers around the world.
As I review everything that’s gone on in 2012, I am re-focusing ArousedWoman for 2013 and beyond. My activism is definitely still here (sorry, men ), but I want to hone in on specifics to awaken people to healthy sexuality and a sex-positive outlook. Sex is not about control, or pain, or staying quiet to keep the peace in a relationship. Our sexual happiness is fundamental to our happiness as human beings, and I don’t think true happiness is possible if we’re playing manipulative games within our sexual relationships.
If you’ve read much of my blog, then you’ll know that I approach sexuality from a Tantric perspective, with leanings toward Kundalini and other ancient wisdom. With so many people trying to find their sexual identity in our 21st century soulless culture, a link to the past is a good grounding for wading through the murky flotsam and getsam of shame, fear, and guilt pervading our Puritanical society.
I think the human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful. Orgasms are beautiful — and natural — and healthy. With that as my foundation, I am re-focusing ArousedWoman to “Awakening Sexuality in Mind, Body, and Spirit.”
Not just a sex blog, I want to help people on a myriad of levels. Sexual health begins in the mind, but vitality of the body and spirit are just as crucial to being happy sexually, and in turn, happy in your everyday life. And my dear atheist readers, don’t get scared by the word “spirit”! Spirit has nothing to do with religion (religion is an evil pyramid scheme for an elite core of men to gain and maintain their power and wealth). I may throw some good ol’ pagan sex rite stuff in here occasionally, but trust me, religion is NOT on the menu here!
Orgasm is not just a physical phenomenon but more truly an intangible response of the subtle body and the parasympathetic nervous system. I will cover some non-traditional aspects of holistic growth such as exploring dreams, meditation, breathing, stress relief, raising energy, shamanism, Tantric bodywork, bioenergetics, the brain vs. the mind, meat-based diet vs. vegetarianism, nutrition, exercise, and controversial topics such as entheogens and polyamory, to name a few.
Beginning this summer, I will be creating videos that address some of the issues and posting them on my new YouTube page. The videos will cover anatomy, nutrition, exercise, and more topics that I will also cover here in the blog. Why not sooner, you may ask? I need to get a video camera with a mic input. So until I upgrade to an iPhone or shell out some moolah for an actual digicam with a mic input, the videos will be on hold till summer-ish.
And I’m close to announcing the beta test for my orgasm training method, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter for more information on how to apply for that when the time comes.
All in all, I am profoundly grateful for all my new friends I’ve gained in the past year. It really has been amazing! Looking ahead, 2013 is destined to be even better. Stay tuned for exciting developments!
Hard to believe, but yes, ArousedWoman is now 1 year old. *WOO-HOO!!!*
Last year, I had started my activist site and blog, Activists’ Voice — I even started a radio show to go with that blog. However, with the crazy, misogynist landscape of the 2012 POTUS election, I needed to focus the scope of my activism toward women’s rights and women’s sexual autonomy issues. From that, ArousedWoman was born on Valentine’s Day, 2012.
This has been an incredible year. I’ve met some incredible people through my activism with AW, and I’ve come across some real jerks. Numerous people have told me how my blog has helped their own sexual journey, awakened their awareness to certain issues, as well as let them know they are not alone in their healing from abuse.
My DailyOJ has been called “brave” for its tell-all insights into a woman’s psyche and a woman’s experiences with sex, female anatomy, and multiple orgasms, but I’ve also had so-called liberals dismiss my journey as a “jerk-off blog.” (Whatever.) I let my opinion loose in my OpEd articles, and I’m so honored that readers trust me enough to ask my opinion on their own situations that I answer in my AskTrish series.
While I think society-at-large is a collective 4-year-old having a temper tantrum when it comes to sexual issues, I still think there is hope! And I’m looking forward to the year ahead as ArousedWoman’s path becomes clearer for me and how I want to help others. With the new forum and the radio show I hope to start (soon!), I think ArousedWoman’s upcoming year will be fantastic — thanks in large part to all of you!
Stay tuned as I have new AskTrish posts (with questions from women!), some interesting orgasm experiences to note in my DailyOJ, and a few new reviews of books and music as well as my review of my new sex toy (move over, Sparkles!! j/k ).
A male member of the AW Forum posted a discussion in the Music to Set the Mood area, saying:
“Just thought I would add a category that I like to call ‘Hard Erotica.’ It’s a little more gritty and animalistic… Sometimes a good fuck requires a little hair pulling….”
Seriously? We’re back to the “so easy a cave man could do it” attitude toward sex?
The songs to which this member linked were dance-music, “hardcore erotica” tracks from Basic Instinct and Madonna. As a composer of real music, I find that this sort of computerized drivel personifies what is wrong with popular music (overproduced, over-sampled, monotonous in “beat”), but I’ll leave that aside for now.
Describing an enthusiastic fuck as “animalistic” begins to lead the conversation about sex back toward hardcore porn — removing the humanity from sex and encouraging the monotonous mechanics of impersonal fucking — which is not something I subscribe to and is NOT the purpose of my forum or anything related to ArousedWoman(TM). Sex should be about connection — even casual fucking should have a dose of humanity and connectedness to it.
We all know sex can get really heated and… exuberant… that doesn’t mean the intent is “animalistic,” necessarily. This sort of description is exactly the terminology the church used to shame sex — that it was “base” and only for “lower” animals. Deep, fast, thrusting sex can be thrilling for sure, but that doesn’t mean it is “animalistic.” Sex can also be incredibly tender and beautiful. Sex should be a raising of energy between partners, not just a means of tension relief from erratic muscular contractions. In fact, from a Tantric perspective, the best orgasms happen from “slow sex.” (Yes, I said slow sex — as in, the man enters the vagina, and nobody moves for an hour… Yes, I said an hour.)
For myself, I make it clear to a partner that hair pulling is absolutely NOT OKAY. It’s not only a sign of aggravated assault (to me), but yanking a woman’s head back via hair pulling is dangerous to the cervical spine and the larynx (the tube for breathing and speech).
Men may have a fantasy about hair pulling because of what they’ve seen in “hardcore porn,” but only because they’ve never been on the receiving end of having their head yanked back by their long hair or ponytail. No, it is not the same feeling as when a woman curls her fingers in a man’s short hair (on his head) and pulls his head back (that is bad enough), but to have someone grab hold of your long hair, use it like a handle to jerk your head back is horribly painful — and again, dangerous to the neck and larynx.
Yes, I know, some readers will complain (again) that I’m being all “puritanical” and I’m “not at peace” with myself for expressing my opinion (and I’m not even on my period and all hormonal), but I don’t exist to perpetuate the stereotypes of women or sex. So suck it.
ArousedWoman(TM) is about awakening from the “dirty,” impersonal, shame-filled KoolAid of sexuality as demonized by religion and kinkified by a society still trying to find balance in sexual practices and “roles.” As I say on Twitter: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.” Nothing about ArousedWoman(TM) is about hardcore porn, so find another site if that’s all you care about — there are plenty of porn & sex sites that perpetuate the pro-church, misogynistic attitudes toward sexuality. ArousedWoman(TM) is NOT one of those.
One last word on monotonous dance music… If a man can only move his hips in one rhythm, he’s a dud in bed. Give me a man who can fuck the 1812 Overture, and we’ll talk.
While doin’ my Tumblr thang this morning, I came across a pic of a blonde Autumn Queen photo set, which I reblogged. But it reminded me of my own Autumn Princess/Queen photo set that I took back in November 2001, a couple weeks before I went to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota.
My hair was still long from my get-back-to-my-Irish-pagan-traditions time when I let my hair grow for years without any trimming — pre-natal vitamins back in 1998 had helped with that initially. And I thought it would be a great chance to show my true witchy side with my theatrical self thrown in for good measure — after all, you can take the thespian out of the theatre, but you can’t take the theatre out of the stage ham.
Autumn is my favorite season. Copper is my metal. Orange (and anything red-orange, fiery) is my color. Fire is my element. Lava is my… well… nevermind… The Empress is my soul card. “The Queen of the Night” (from Mozart’s The Magic Flute) was my dream role and fave arias to sing back in the day.
So everything just sort of fit together to create this Empress-inspired Autumn Princess photo set taken in my backyard. I designed and sewed the dress and made the crown from holiday decor bits and pieces. I grabbed one of my (many) brooms and took one of the (real) Scottish claymore swords off the wall in the livingroom. (Medieval weaponry was a hobby of mine. Don’t ever piss me off. )
The resolution quality of the pictures is low (asshole husband didn’t want to use too much space on the camera), but I still love these pictures. I had lost much of my post-partum weight and was looking forward to my trip to South Dakota. Overall, I was happy at this time and feeling very good about myself. And I think it shows.
Hard to believe these were taken 11+ years ago. Maybe I’ll do a new set this year….
So, what does YOUR inner Diva or Divo (for guys) look like? Who are you on the inside that maybe others don’t see? What fabulousness lurks within? Leave a comment below!
Not because I’m an ego monster, but because I need every chance possible to get the word out about ArousedWoman. The more people who know about AW, the more people who can start changing their lives orgasmically, changing their perspective of women, our anatomy, our sexual response, et al. (And awaken to the fact that we are all connected — what affects one of us, affects all of us… hint, hint… activism! )
Via ArousedWoman, I have documented my own personal sexual journey in my DailyOJ posts, my own experience with sexual abuse (and overcoming it!), helped others in the AskTrish articles, covered major stories in my NEWS info, and helped lots of people who ask me questions on Twitter and who have contacted me for consults. And don’t forget my “inspiring” Tumblr page!
The categories are all over the map on topics, but I think the best ones for AW are the following:
- Best Future Celebrity — VOTE THIS ONE! VOTE THIS ONE! I think this is a great one! . Right now, the leader only has 195 votes. VOTE! We can WIN! (P.S. I will start making YouTube videos this summer.)
- Best Blogger — the leader has 1800+ votes, but I wouldn’t mind making the Top 10, so please VOTE.
- Best Activism — the leader has 1400+ votes (and it’s the same guy leading Best blogger… I’m assuming his peeps are voting for him in both categories).
<=== Click the pic or click here to check out the Shorty Awards, and if you are feeling so inclined, please nominate AW. If AW has helped you, your partner, your sex life (partnered or solo), awakened your own potential and/or your awareness of the world, PLEASE give AW a recommendation with a Shorty Award nomination.
And that’s all there is to it. Painless!
Then you can vote again! Vote in all 4 categories!! Visit the Shorty Awards to vote.
Thank you ALL!
Readers will tweet me or email me to say that something I’ve written here on the blog or in my random tweeting has changed their perspective towards orgasm, enlightened them on female anatomy, or awakened an awareness about self and pleasure they had not previously experienced or had long forgotten.
Apparently, in my communiqués on the clitoris and how to approach the clit, one reader took some of my words to heart and implemented some simple techniques I mentioned when he was with a partner recently.
And then I went a bit preachy about the clit and the stupidity of porn, so please forgive that.
If you’d like specific recommendations for yourself or your situation, I do consults. Just contact me via my website.
For some reason the topic of “talking dirty” has come up several times recently. Apparently, men are under the assumption that women want to talk dirty, that we like to talk dirty, that we live for talking dirty in bed.
What the hell?!
Actually, most women do NOT like the “talk dirty” part of sex that men addicted to porn seem to like, or men who still view women under the Maiden/Whore dichotomy — “bad” girls do what “good” girls won’t stereotype.
“Oooo, baby, yeah, fuck me. Fuck my pussy with your big fat cock, ram it in me hard…”
What does “talking dirty” do for the man? What purpose is it supposed to serve?
I, personally, would NEVER “talk dirty.” “Talking dirty” is a dumbing-down affectation of porn and perpetuates the compartmentalizing of a woman into labels and categories, separating her into disparate personalities — i.e., the good-hearted, nurturing woman who is a mother couldn’t possibly be associated with the multi-orgasmic cougar in bed. What better way to segregate the various aspects of woman than to ask her to say or do something so contrary from her everyday personality or communicative style?
Besides that, “talking dirty” is an insult to my intelligence and my extensive vocabulary as a professional writer and performer of language.
Yes, I call a penis a penis or lingam, and my vulva is my vulva or yoni. I may call a penis a dick, but that is rare; and I say testicles and balls interchangeably. Other than that, my vagina is my vagina, and my clit is my clit. The anus, ass, and perineum are synonymous for both sexes. And my breasts are breasts — NOT ANY OTHER HORRIBLE, DEGRADING TERM that MEN (and implant Barbies) USE FOR BREASTS. BREASTS!!! That’s what they’re called, and that’s what I call them. Calling various parts of my anatomy by other names — particularly “dirty” slang terms — disassociates me from my body, or places my body into parts ( J. Alfred Prufrock style) as mere “things” for someone else’s use and enjoyment, not mine.
On a side note, I will call ejaculate “cum” but having an orgasm is not “cumming” — since ejaculating and having (lots of) orgasms are two completely different functions. And yes, my vaginal fluids ARE the “nectar of the gods,” thank you very much!
As I wrote in my article “Me, My Breasts, and I,” I hated my breasts most of my life because of how men treated them and treated me because of them. My body image was molded through the perspective of others who did not value me as a person or my body as the physical extension of my self. It took a Tantric breast meditation to integrate my breasts to my body and my sense of self, to love my body. But now, to be considered “hot,” I have to “talk dirty”? Fuck that!
Why would I talk “dirty” when there’s nothing dirty about sex or being sexual? As I say on Twitter ALL THE TIME: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.”
I’m beginning to think that the concept of “talking dirty” is for the sole purpose of distancing the partners from an emotional connection — to keep the sex as just physical as opposed to an opportunity to experience beautiful, mind-blowing orgasms. Even fuck-buddies can have a great connection beyond the physical orgasm — without the “complications” of the dreaded “relationship.” Even Tantra partners who are not “in love” would never “talk dirty” — that would be so disrespectful, particularly to the woman. The man is beautiful. The woman is beautiful. The experience is beautiful. No ramming or dirty talk required.
If you’re a woman and you actually like to talk dirty, I would love to hear from you — to hear why you like to talk dirty — and don’t say because your male partner likes it — ’cause then you’re doing it for him, not because the want and desire to “talk dirty” emanates naturally from within you.
I can’t “talk dirty” about the body or being sexual because I find them both to be wonderfully beautiful. And I felt that way long before I began studying Tantra.
So bite me.
While most men know how long they are, a lot of men don’t seem to know how wide they are. This is a shame since most women prefer girth over length. Many men may not realize that when women shop for sex toys, width is an important consideration. In fact, many women buy sex toys based more on the width than the length.
A toy that is penis-shaped and 1 1/4″ wide would not be considered by most experienced women shoppers; whereas, a penis-shaped toy that is 2″ wide or wider might be considered, especially as a gag gift. My personal toy preference is between 1-5/8″ and 1-3/4″ wide because it’s easier to handle and doesn’t wear out my wrist.
On a side note, sex toys designed to stimulate the female prostate are oftentimes more narrow and more curved than the usual dildo. For prostate stimulation, and especially for female ejaculation, wider is not better.
When it comes to sex, size really does matter because too long or too wide can hurt the woman. Better to ask up front what size dildo your woman likes to use and see how you measure up to what she prefers. This gives you an idea how compatible you two will be physically. For instance, if her favorite toy is 1.5″ wide and you’re 1.75″ wide, you know ahead of time that extra lube and extended yoni worship may be required before insertion. (Note: If you’re too shy to ask her about her sex toy, maybe you shouldn’t have sex with her in the first place.)
So how do you measure up to your woman’s favorite sex toy? Here are some tips on how to measure your penis:
Use a flexible measuring tape, not a ruler.
Measure from the base to the tip while fully erect. Measure on the top side of the penis, from the lower abs at the pubic bone. The vagina is only 3 to 4 inches in length, and can expand up to 50% when aroused. So a penis that is at least 6″ long will bottom out.
Do NOT press in to measure! The root of the penis inside the man’s body is rather long and can be felt (and held) below the balls at the perineum. Don’t press in just to add an extra half inch or so to your length measurement. Last time I checked, the woman’s pubic bone does not magically extend outward into the man’s abs during sex.
Measure around the widest part of the fully aroused, fully erect penis to get the circumference. Where this point is varies. Some men are wider at the base, while some are wider in the middle, and some near the head. Measuring the width is especially important for men who are widest in the top third of the shaft and the head, as this is the part of the penis most likely to be inserted into the woman.
If the head is bulbous and noticeably wider than the rest of the penis, measure the circumference of the head as well… just to know.
Now, you get to use that high school algebra you never thought you would ever need. To get the width (diameter) of a circle (penis shaft), divide the circumference (around measurement) by pi (3.14).
If circumference is:
4.5″ = penis is 1.43″ wide
5.0″ = penis is 1.59″ wide
5.5″ = penis is 1.75″ wide
6.0″ = penis is 1.91″ wide
6.5″ = penis is 2.07″ wide
7.0″ = What are you? Caligula’s horse?!
I’m not saying you should steer clear of a potential partner just based on penis size, but to deny the importance of sex in the relationship is Puritanical nonsense. Many relationships and marriages end because the sex was not pleasurable or the partners just were not compatible.
By the way, guys, don’t worry if you are in the long and narrow or the short and wide ranges. Every vagina is different, so regardless of how you measure up, there is a partner for you — you just have to find her!
- Anatomy: #TeamUncut Intact Natural Penis Collage for #ForeskinFriday (21+ NSFW)
- Anatomy: Male Prostate – the Male G-Spot
- OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: Is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not?
- AskTrish: Stop Ejaculating and Have Multiple Orgasms Already!
- AskTrish: Bisexual Man Comes Out But Girlfriend is Now Jealous
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With the success of my AskTrish series, I have been inundated with questions by people seeking personal help with their individual situations regarding sex, masturbation, healing from sexual trauma, and relationships.
I’ve been receiving so many questions on general topics and specific scenarios, I’m having trouble keeping up with them on top of my paying writing gigs! This is a great problem to have — it means you all love and respect my perspective, which warms my heart immensely. However, some querents have been less than gracious and even rude — one man asked a question via Twitter, then moments later told me to get back to him “soon, today” — like I’m a trained dog? Or like he had me on a paid retainer, or something?!
To alleviate this, I am still doing the AskTrish series, but on a schedule that suits my timetable. I am aiming for two to four posts per month.
To handle the overflow of questions, I am now offering personal consultations because I know for a fact just reading the AW Blog has helped many people. I like answering people’s questions over Twitter, but these Twitter convos have been taking hours… literally! I don’t teach voice lessons for free or write theatre articles for free, nor can I offer in-depth training for free (hey, I’m a single mom with a kid to feed). So please ask me a question via Twitter, but if it gets too involved, I will tell you to go for a Consult.
Personal consultations allow me to focus only on you and your particular situation and offer you specific techniques just for you. Use the email form on the AW Consult page to get the ball rolling. If I feel I cannot help you, I will tell you exactly that. I will not hold a consult if I don’t know I can help you.
The Consult can be held over the phone or via Skype (no video at this time). Personal orgasm training is also available, just use the Consult form to inquire. For more info, visit the AW Consult page.
And be on the look-out for more posts today on the up-cumming features of ArousedWomanTM!
* This post is a follow-up to AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex.*
My girlfriend, and I are now separated. I am failing at figuring women out. I have been trying to meet women. However, two women I know — by a friend we share in common — have been pretty blunt about wanting to sleep with me as a result of gossip. They just heard from a long-time ex when I dated her that I was well… you know. I would rather stay away. I don’t want this as I would rather see something more serious. I turn 29 in February. I don’t really enjoy meaningless sex unless it’s with someone I know and trust. I don’t trust someone who comes up and says something like that. So what are my options?
Women are complex. Most women aren’t easy to get to know because they’ve been taught to play games. But I think your instincts are spot on!
It’s heartening to me that a man as young as you would want a serious relationship and not just sex. However, if you’re looking to date women younger than yourself, you’re likely to find immature women who will treat you (and your penis) like a side show spectacle at the circus.
As for the gossip, you’ll probably get that wherever you go with your circle of friends, especially if you see your exes a lot. Here is where dating can be problematic for you. Younger women may be “sowing their wild oats” (that society takes for granted with young men), while women your age or slightly older might be looking for men to have kids with. And you’re stuck in the middle — wanting a meaningful relationship but not ready for kids.
Women in their early 20′s often play out their princess-daddy’s-girl bullshit in relationships with men. Men in their early 20′s treat relationships as status symbols and easy-access sex. Women in their late 20′s have begun to taste life on their own — out of college, in the work force, paying their way, usually putting career first. By the time women hit their 30′s, many women feel the desire to start a family. Men may not feel this until their mid- to late 30′s or even their 40′s. Between the games people play in relationships and the different goals people set for themselves, it’s a wonder two people ever find a happy, healthy relationship!
As for your comment, “I don’t enjoy meaningless sex unless it’s with someone I know and trust.” I think you should re-adjust your notion of “meaningless” sex. If you’re having sex with a friend for the sake of having sex (i.e., an enjoyable time with someone you know and trust), that is not “meaningless.” Sharing a beautiful sexual experience with another human being has value, even if you’re not “in love” with that person. “In love” is a chemical reaction in the brain due to the transference of pheromones and other body chemicals between two people. At some point in your life, you may have experienced that loss of “in love” once your brain is immune to the chemical stimuli of her body’s biology, and vice versa. The ennui of “in love” can fade quickly, and you’re left wondering, “What now?”
Loving and appreciating another human being does not have to come with a prison sentence and the “strings attached” that we’re used to. From my perspective, sharing a wonderful, orgasmic experience with another person adds value to my life and hopefully to the other person’s. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past couple of years, and I know what orgasm is supposed to be — it is a way to connect to the universal energy, to experience bliss in no other way we can in this meat-suit body.
As I look ahead to my divorce being finalized, I’ve been scoping out men I know and trust — to not hurt me, not have diseases, have had a vasectomy. As I told the man who will probably be my first post-divorce sexual experience, “I might say ‘I love you’ during sex. Don’t worry. I don’t want commitment. It just means I love you a a human being. Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be having sex with you anyway… and I’ll probably cry… a lot… I do when the orgasms are really good.” I couldn’t share that with a man I didn’t trust, even though he and I are not “in love.”
N., I would say you have two options: Go through with the “meaningless” sex/relationships to satisfy your manly, physical needs, but you may feel as if your heart and soul are suffering with the purely physical encounters. The other option is to go celibate until the universe decides it is time for you to meet your dream woman. You can’t make the younger women more mature, nor can you make the right woman appear in your life before it is time for your paths to cross.
In fact, I highly recommend you go for Option 2. Spend time working on yourself so that you are the right person when the time is right for you to meet your right partner.
If you go for Option 1, find yourself a “cougar.” There must be a way to meet women in your area who are over the age of 38-ish, are done having kids, and have divorced their asshole husband (who’s probably currently having a mid-life crisis of his own). Most cougars want the orgasms they didn’t get in marriage and crave adventurous sex sans procreation.
By the way, if you’re hanging out in bars for women, that’s your first mistake. Stay out of the bars. And if your circle of friends keeps bringing this heartache, get a new circle of friends.
Since you’re looking for a relationship that improves you as a human being, look for similarly-minded women in places that also reflect they are looking to improve themselves as human beings. Attend a yoga class, join a hiking club, sit in on a reading at a local (erotic) bookshop.
You never know where or when Miss Right will show up.
* For phone consultations, email trish via the AW website. *
Recently, several readers of my ArousedWomanTM Blog have emailed me missives and penis photos to my theatre email on my main theatre/professional website. There is a reason that email address is not listed on my ArousedWomanTM work. That is for my professional theatre communications and may be opened and seen by an intern.
I definitely want to see your penis pics AND read your AskTrish questions, but I will only respond to communiques via ArousedWomanTM.
To write me, please use one of the many other means I have listed on my AW site and the AW blog:
- submit comments and pics via email on my AW website
- submit AskTrish questions via email my AskTrish page
- leave a message on my AW blog
- tweet me on my AW Twitter
- leave a message on the AW Facebook page (not pics, though)
- start a conversation on the NEW AW Forum
Any AW emails sent to my theatre address or via my TrishCausey.com site will not be opened or answered.
Thank you so much,
* ArousedWoman.com *
Hooray & Huzzah! ArousedWoman.com gets its second makeover in less than a week!
Readers can now submit their pics via email on the website, and I have a even made a page to take AskTrish questions. I know – Awesome!
I’ve also added links to AW’s spots on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, the popular AW Blog, as well as “Confessions of an Aroused Woman, Chapter 6″ excerpt on Amazon.
Thank you all for your love & support!
I’m a 50 year-old straight (but bi-curious) male. I have been with my female partner for 5 years now and have been living with her for 4 years. I am in school 300 miles away. The past few months, while I have been here, I have talked to her about exploring her own sexuality — not an open relationship as I am not wanting that, just giving her the freedom to explore whatever desires she finds. I believe there is great healing in sexual freedom which is truly empowering. So, tomorrow night she has a ‘movie night’ with a friend of ours who has made it very clear he wants to fuck her. He is a good friend and the safe factor is one that cannot be ignored. I actually encouraged him to move ahead with pursuing her at my birthday party on Friday night! Can a person be able to feel true happiness at the thought of his partner not only having sex with a friend, but encouraging it and enjoying her pleasure by offering her the liberty to do so as she desires? I know the idea is so very exciting to me, but I don’t hear talk about this stuff in many places. I know I will be so very happy when she tells me all about it tomorrow night, I guess I am just looking to hear a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom while in a committed relationship, albeit a long distance one. Do you have any thoughts on this? I guess the bottom line is how deep does ‘control’ run in the male psyche?! I feel so un-male by being so seemingly un-normal! Would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’ or some other something else? Would this kind of freedom (for lack of a better term) be received as a negative by women?
A million thoughts are running through my head, many of which you may not like. So please accept my response with a grain of salt as it comes with a healthy dose of tough love. Since you’re in Canada, I’m too far away to give you the ass-kicking my Irish fire really wants to administer. Clearly, the misogyny of patriarchal culture is entrenched in the northern climes — which is sad since I’ve always heard Canadians were so nice.
I’ll address your male psyche first. You are not “un-manly” or “un-normal.” You are following your desires as a consenting adult. Neither a sexually repressed society nor antiquated, misogynist religion should be your barometer in pursuing adult relationships. However, these negative influences have shaped you as evidenced in your verbiage, which I purposely left whole so you could see your subconscious language patterns: “giving her the freedom,” “offering her the liberty,” “a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom,” “would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’”… What century are you living in?! And are you sure you don’t live in Arizona?
Whether this relationship you have with your woman is committed, casual, or even legally bound with a
prison sentence marriage license, she is a free, autonomous human being and can “fuck” or “make love” with whomever she chooses, and she doesn’t need your permission or your “giving” her the liberty and freedom from psychological slavery to pursue the physical and emotional needs of her own body, heart, and mind. Capiche?
I’ll get off my soap box because I know your intention is not to sound like a misogynist jerk. Your language is indicative of living in an oppressive patriarchal culture while your heart and spirit desperately want validation and freedom from that very oppression.
Clearly, you and your woman have great communication, for which I applaud you! While you say you don’t want an open relationship, you, in fact, have one. It could even be polyamory if the other partner(s) have emotional feelings as well. These types of relationships are not talked about in society for the same reason homosexual and bisexual relationships are still taboo — they threaten the hetero-patriarchal dynamic that limits relationships to male/female and institutionalizes the hierarchy of a superior male with an inferior female’s body and mind being owned by the male.
For me, I have sworn I would never do another long distance relationship because they’re expensive, annoying, and sexually frustrating. However, I have always thought that sex “in the meantime” is okay because we all have needs. The body wants sex. The heart wants love. You make accommodations when you can’t be with the one you love via abstinence, cheating, or an open relationship where both people understand there is a physical need that is separate from the emotional need — if that is an understanding that is right for the both of you.
For instance, if I were in a relationship with a soldier, knowing he or she will be gone for months or even longer than a year, I would tell them to have sex when they can with someone “safe,” i.e., don’t bring home any diseases. The body has needs and wants. So I’m perfectly fine with them having sex with a fellow soldier or “safe” partner while on deployment. Do what you need to do to make it through the day to stay alive and come home.
Some species mate for life while most of the earth’s inhabitants only have flings or “open” relationships for each mating season. Humans may choose monogamy or polyamory as dictated by their personal needs or spiritual/religious beliefs.
Polyamorous relationships are not fully understood or accepted by most monogamous people. The non-poly people don’t understand how two people in a committed relationship can be with others outside the relationship and not get jealous. Getting jealous is just not something in the make-up of polyamorous folks. This hippie/free-love notion of open acceptance and loving everyone is a threat to our competition-driven imperialistic society that thrives on conflict and profits from war. Polyamory will never be accepted as a mainstream lifestyle in the West until the oppressive overlords figure out how to make money off of it.
Back in my early 20′s, the theatre orgies I participated in were a revelation in how committed couples can explore their sexuality with friends — with their partner participating, watching, or exploring with someone else — and no one ever got jealous. Ever. There was no reason to get jealous because the desires and explorations were out in the open, as opposed to “cheating” behind a partner’s back. Exploring our bodies sexually had nothing to do with the love for a committed partner…. But that’s bohemian artists for you!
I have friends who have been in polyamorous relationships — a man and his female partner with another woman whose male partner was a prude. His jealousy of her need for the poly relationship put a damper on all four of them. So, James, embrace your open relationship, and revel in the level of communication you and your partner have because what you have is rare and wonderful!
You also have a voyeuristic side to you, and I’m sure you not only want to hear about the sex your partner is having with her friend/fling, but you probably wouldn’t mind sitting in the corner and watching, yes? If you’re turned on by watching your partner flirt, there’s no harm in that as long as both of you have that clear understanding. Problems arise when one partner wants things for the relationship that the other partner does not.
I would be interested to hear why, at the age of 50, you’re bi-curious and have never taken the plunge! Following your desires instead of living vicariously through your woman’s experiences with men might open a whole new world of sexual possibilities for your relationship. Being with two guys is as much a fantasy for a lot of women as being with two women is a dream for a lot of men.
You are normal. You are masculine. You and your partner are doing just fine, in my opinion. Keep up the wonderful communication between the two of you. Do let me know how ‘movie night’ went! Also, leave a comment if you have any more questions — and to tell me you forgive my tough love.
* Read more AskTrish: AskTrish Posts *
* AskTrish a question: AskTrish *
Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20′s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years. In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis. I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times. I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this. I attached a picture just as a reference point. Thanks!
N., in Ohio
Thank you for such a great question! Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn. The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.
The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men! However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.
Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman. The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions. Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.
Girth is an entirely different issue. For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time. And your woman will have homework as well.
Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up. If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.
The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva. The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth. I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.
The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen. These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin. The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube. Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.
A great reason to switch to watching erotica is to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.” Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West. The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.
Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman. Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration. In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening. (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)
Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own. Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts. Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax. If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight. For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort. For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.
This is where lube plays an important role in sex. Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway. Friction sex hurts at the best of times. When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver. Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.
- Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
- Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina. If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed. If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
- Use lots of lube. Lots!
- Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
- Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
- Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
- Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
- Look at the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.
The woman’s homework:
- Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
- Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
- Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
- Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
- Push out on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
- Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
- Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.
So what if you do all this and sex still hurts? If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain. This can be helped with lots of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together. It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.
You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner. So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run. Also, I’ve just updated the Store page on the AW site, so look through the books and DVD’s to further your technique quest.
The important thing is that you do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner. Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with. With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.
I hope this has helped. Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!
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Hey Trish @LibertarianJhon here, I recently came out to my girlfriend about me being bisexual and ever since then she has felt this pang of jealousy. She feels that now she not only has to compete with other women for my attention, but other men as well. I keep telling her I’m interested in only her but my voice seems to be falling on deaf ears. I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know what to say anymore. Was hoping you could help me help her understand that she’s the only I want.
This is an excellent question! Many people are now acknowledging their sexual identity as bisexual — as opposed to being hetero or gay/lesbian. Trying to make sense of being attracted to both genders can raise a number of issues for the individual, their partner, and even their friends.
As someone who is also bisexual, I can attest that being open about your bisexuality is not easy. Straight friends may feel more comfortable that you’re not “gay gay” but still not understand how you can be attracted to both genders. Your gay friends may accuse you of not being willing to “commit” to being “actually” gay — as if you’re trying to play both sides: one for society and one for how you really feel. Ultimately, it does not matter what anyone else thinks about your bisexuality as long as you are happy and comfortable in your own skin.
Self-identifying as bisexual and acting on your desires can be two different things. You can be attracted to men and never have a relationship with a man, but still identify as bi. Or as I once heard bisexuality explained, choosing between being with a man or a woman is like choosing between a redhead or a brunette — it’s just what you want at that moment. Each person finds what is right for him or her, both in identity and in practice.
As for your girlfriend, she seems very insecure, and from your phrasing, I can only assume she was jealous and insecure before you dropped the bisexual bombshell. Because I know some of your background already, I know that you are 24 and the two of you are in a long-distance relationship (that is important info, by the way). Being apart can conjure all sorts of insecurities. Now her mind is wandering with even more visions of infidelity in her head. She probably spends most of her time worrying that you’re cheating on her with the entire population, not just the female half, and you probably spend most of your communications with her reassuring her that you’re faithful. That is a one-sided relationship that is all about what she wants and making her happy, meanwhile you are miserable and feel helpless.
The unfortunate truth here is that you have explained who you are, and either she accepts you as you are or she does not. You have explained how you feel about her, and either she believes you or she does not. You cannot make her understand something she is unwilling to comprehend, and you cannot make her accept you completely if she will not. If her reluctance is also based on her religious beliefs, that’s a whole other can of worms — and by the way, you can’t win that battle either.
You cannot change another person. The person has to be in a place in his or her life to want to change; and the change that does happen occurs from within them. Are you going to keep your life and happiness on hold for someone who is not in the same place emotionally or intellectually?
I can almost guarantee that if you stay in this relationship with this immature, insecure female, you will either hate her for being so rigid while she dominates and sabotages the relationship, or you will hate yourself for having been honest with yourself and for confiding your true self with her. Always side with truth. And if she can’t handle it, your relationship will only get more toxic. She is not the only woman in the world, and it sounds to me like she needs to grow up, and you need to move on.
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This is a quick note to let everyone know that I am taking the bull by the horns and starting up the Radio show and Forum that I’ve been wanting to create for a while now.
So many people ask me if I do podcasts, and I have to tell them, yes, but not yet for AW. Well, that’s changing!
While we dream of Utopia, running a radio show and hosting a forum is not free. It costs money for the licensed platforms even when the daily toil of maintaining each is based on sweat equity.
AW Radio will cover all aspects of the AW raison d’etre including Women’s Sexuality, Women’s Rights, LGBT, Survivors of Abuse, Religious Freedom, Indigenous Rights, Environmental Issues, Healthcare, Anti-Circumcision/Body Autonomy issues, and more.
The AW Forum will provide a safe place for like-minded individuals and orgs to talk about issues, recovery, and more importantly, foster solutions to put into practice. The Forum will be membership-based (to keep out the crazies) at $14.95/year, with a portion of the proceeds being donated annually to 2 organizations as voted on by the Forum community.
For more info on the Radio show as well as the Forum, visit my GoFundMe page I’ve started. Donations are securely processed by either WePay or PayPal (your choice!).
Be sure to check out the REWARD that accompanies each donation level, and make a TAX-DEDUCTIBLE donation if you can.
Copyright 2012 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
It’s been said that every woman fakes orgasms at some point. Well, I’m here to tell you I never did. Never. I never had an orgasm during partnered sex, and I sure wasn’t going to fake it. I made sure the guy knew I wasn’t seeing god, or cosmic rainbows, or magickal unicorns just because his penis was inside me. He could deal with his ego later.
Recently, I read a particular, highly recommended book on cunnilingus but had a difficult time finishing it. The anatomic information was mostly good, but the male writer’s anecdotes about female orgasm were peppered with sexist, rude, even misogynist remarks I simply could not overlook. Having admitted that he was bad at sex and suffered with erectile issues, the author made the egregious comment that screamers and women who throw their heads back are “obvious” orgasm fakers.
I wanted to throw the book across the room, but unfortunately, I was at a restaurant. (Yes, I read sex books while eating… lunch.)
Women are complex creatures and are, thusly, capable of complex, varied types of orgasms. It only makes sense that the body and the face would have different corresponding reactions. Yes, I said body. Were you only watching her face?
For a traditional clitoral orgasm, the orgasm is localized to the clit/genital area. The woman’s torso will most likely crunch forward. The hips/pelvis will tuck or raise up off the bed. Her face will similarly be “crunched” into a look she wouldn’t really want to make otherwise: furrowed brow, gritting the teeth, even jutting the jaw forward. (I could go into my theory on why this is but I would have to bore you with vocal science and the pedagogy of phonation.)
A vaginal/She Spot orgasm tends to be a full-body wave type of orgasm that washes over the body but lacks the explosion of the clitoral orgasm. The woman’s mouth will be open, the jaw down and back, and she may moan differently because of it. Her head may tilt backward, and she may even arch her back. Please note the vagina has numerous spots capable of various kinds of pleasure and responses.
A blended orgasm that stems from both clitoral and vaginal/She Spot simulation is one of the most sought after orgasms because of its full-body wave effect coupled with the clit explosion. This orgasm can induce both crunching forward and wild hip motions, plus arching backward, head back, and delicious moaning.
Other types of orgasms include nipple O’s, cervical O’s, orgasms of the P-spot, the K-spot, the perineal sponge, urethral/urination orgasms, anal O’s, and anywhere else on the body that she is super sensitive to touch.
Of all the physically-based orgasms, the most intense, for me, personally, is the uterine orgasm. The uterine orgasm is brought on by stimulation of the cervix and A-Spot, coincidentally stimulating the prostate/She Spot at the same time. This results in a compulsory doubling over and emotional outburst — a true gut-wrenching thrashing usually accompanied by uncontrollable crying. Not pretty crying either. So the face of this orgasm is kind of like a nervous breakdown — a bit unnerving for onlookers but soul-shatteringly amazing to experience.
These signs are for physically-based orgasms that most people can do without much effort. Use plenty of lube, work the spots, communicate — not very difficult. However, energy-based orgasms cause the body to twist and contort in ways unimaginable.
Kundalini orgasms are known for inducing a sharp, sudden, involuntary arching of the back, in both women and men. While some men consider arching the back to be a “woman’s” type of orgasm, I like to think of this phenomenon as a “human being’s” orgasmic response. For Kundalini orgasms, the mouth may be wide open, deep moans being heard, while the head is bent so far back, you might think the woman is going into a gymnast’s backbend. All of this is involuntary. (And pretty frickin’ incredible!)
So what is the face of a woman who is having real orgasms? Not something she’d want posted in the church’s Sunday bulletin, that’s for sure. If the woman can, in any way, be considered to look “pretty,” she’s not having a real orgasm.
If she is crunching forward and her face looks as if she is somewhere between “really pissed off” and “warrior queen about to rip your limbs from your body,” then she’s probably having a real orgasm. If her head is back, her mouth open, and her brow slightly to fully furrowed, that’s a great sign of a real orgasm as well. When her arms fly up over her head, don’t be offended! This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hold on to you. Especially if her hands wind up behind her head, this is a great sign of a deep, powerful orgasm. (If you’ve read my DailyOJ, you know I can vouch for this effect.)
Her eyes may be open during clitoral orgasms, but for most other types of orgasms, her eyes will probably be closed. For myself, I’ve noticed my eyes shoot open at the onset of blended orgasms but then immediately close again through the rest of the climax/multiple orgasms. For Kundalini orgasms, my eyes are closed, head is all the way back, hands fly up over my head, and my body rocks-and-rolls side to side while my knees come up, then my legs kick out over and over again. (Just sayin’.)
You decide: Which one is faking and which one is real?
Along with the facial contortions or the gaping jaw and arching back, her skin will become flush due to increased blood flow, her nipples may be so perky they’re reaching for the ceiling, and her hips (hell, most of her body) will be moving involuntarily. For energy orgasms, she will probably be rockin’-and-rollin’ side to side with extra contractions and rolling through her abdominals, not just crunching forward or arching backward as during physical orgasms.
If she can speak in complete sentences, or is constantly reassuring your ego, she might be faking for your benefit. If her words are incoherent and grabbing at you is her only primal form of communication, then you might be on the right track — to helping her orgasm.
More importantly, don’t be so visual. This isn’t porn. This is a real, live woman. You need to feel her reactions. When a woman is close to orgasm, especially if any clitoral stimulation has been done, the clitoral bulbs that form a “horseshoe” over and around the vaginal opening expand with blood flow, just as the penis expands with blood flow during arousal. This feels like a vice-grip clamping down on your penis.
(Side note: My asshole ex-husband used to tell me he didn’t like the vice-grip feeling because it made him start to lose his erection… so that’s probably why I never orgasmed with him.)
Remember, guys. You cannot “make” a woman orgasm. Orgasm begins and ends in the woman’s mind — not just her brain. Stimulate her mind first and the body will follow suit. In fact, the face and body will tell you everything if your sexual relationship is rooted in honest communication.
What does your face look like in orgasm? Send me a picture, and I just might post it!