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DailyOJ 06-23-14: Getting Back Into My Body


nude-woman-in-solitude-peachI can’t believe how long it has been since I wrote my last true DailyOJ post.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I was on my regular meditation and awakening practice, but I felt I needed a break due to everything that was going on.

So on 02-03-14, I took a break from writing here on my ArousedWoman Blog as I officially entered the campaign to be a Congressional candidate.  I had started back to college in October, around the same time I finally decided to run for Congress.  The ensuing months were some of the most mentally stressful I’ve had in a while.  I was over-extended and being pulled in so many different directions — home life, rebounding from the loss of a job, starting my Musical Theatre Magazine for income, going back to college, throwing my hat in the ring for Congress, being a single mom, running this blog, trying to finish other writing and music I had started, my computer crashed in December, starting another fitness certification, and other things I can’t even remember now.  It was just too much.

In April, I had to take a leave of absence from school to focus on my campaign, but the campaign ended June 3rd, when I lost my bid to be the Democratic candidate for my district.  Which is fine.  What I learned about politics taught me that my place is here as an activist.

My second-to-last DailyOJ post was on 09-16-13, so to sit here and realize it has been over 9 months since my last real DailyOJ is just strange.  Nine months is the gestation period of a child, from conception to birth.  This impels me to wonder, what did I give birth to?  What was brewing in the womb of life experience these past nine months?  What did I think I was conceiving?  What do I have to show for this amount of time and work and stress and even grief?

Not much.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped doing yoga.  My three+ miles that I walked every single day rain or shine dwindled down to one on many days, and closer to the primary election, sometimes zero miles.  I had an allergic reaction to some store-bought bread (again), which made me gain weight and inner inflammation that I’m still dealing with.  The stress of fending off the evil ring-wing nut-jobs on social media sent my cortisol levels up, which didn’t help my body at all.  And mostly, I just didn’t like how being in the political arena made me feel as a person.

I’ve worked hard to overcome my natural warrior tendencies, to incorporate more yin wisdom.  But politics is all yang — and not the good aspects of yang.  Politics is an evil, dirty, money-driven business based on extreme competition that I personally found to be destructive on many levels.

For me and my body, what concerned me most was how my energy level dropped.  I don’t mean energy, as in feeling like getting up and going somewhere, I mean my true energy, my life force, my palpable connection to the universe and everything around me that actually matters to me.  Because politics is so based in low-energy matters like money (economy, budget/deficit, jobs, etc.), I felt my energy just fade away.  I no longer felt my energy buzzing up my legs, or my Kundalini spine-zaps that circle around to tickle my face, or the out-of-body heartgasms, or the energy that bounces off my arms when I think about something I love or something that makes me happy or makes me laugh.  Nothing about politics gave me good vibes.  I tried focusing on the fact that I was wanting to help the people of my area, and I focused on being me, not a puppet politician that the media expects a candidate to be.  I spent so much energy deflecting the negativity of the political scene, that I had no energy left over for me, my well-being, and my needs.

I had lost my connection to my body.  When I would try to do a practice session, my mind was on politics.  When I was sleeping at night, I’d wake up at 3 a.m., and think about politics.  Because I was virtually alone in my campaign, it all rested on me to do a good job.  I felt a responsibility to the people who saw themselves represented in me, a progressive liberal candidate in a Red State.

My sessions became less about my practice and solely about trying to have orgasms.  Therein was the major problem.  “Trying” for pleasure is a sure-fire way to ensure true pleasure eludes you.  My orgasms, while still amazing on any orgasm-o-meter, were different.  They were no longer full-body.  They were localized to my genitals.  They were rarely as emotional as I was accustomed to.  I didn’t know my body anymore.  And I couldn’t focus enough on my practice when I had them to raise my energy again.

I will say again as I’ve said before — My “worst” orgasm now is infinitely better, bigger, and more pleasurable than the best orgasm I ever had before my awakening.  But at this point, I’m used to a certain level of mind-blowingemotional orgasmic experience.  Regular, genital-centric orgasms simply will not do.

I’ve also said many times that orgasm is an energy, and when I’m in that energy, it’s like living in a completely different vibration.  I’ve told people the feeling is like orgasm is a higher vibration level, and whenever I’d want a sudden orgasm, I just stand on my tip-toes, and I’m there, in that energy field, and they just happen — whenever, wherever I want them.  My body is amazing.

Or she was … before I got the crazy idea that I should enter politics.

The primary was June 3rd.  I got 44.6% of the votes, but lost.  The follow-up after the campaign lasted about 9 to 10 days, and as voters began to focus on the unfolding dramas elsewhere in the crazy world of Mississippi politics, I bowed out, thinking I’d get back to doing what I do.  This is when my body crashed.  Simply crashed.  I spent a few days in thorough lethargy, allowing my body to release the pent-up exhaustion that had accumulated over the course of nine months on the campaign trail.  This was when I fully realized what I had done to my body and my psyche and my spirit by following a path I had intrinsically known was not for me, but that my activist self thought I could strong-arm my self through — for the greater good, for standing up for our rights, for speaking up for the right thing.  I have always despised politics, and now, I had reaped the lesson of what happens when you don’t listen to your true self.

Now, it’s summer.  I’m not home alone during the day … or night.  So I can’t do a full practice on a regular basis.  I still enjoy my stealth orgasms.  In fact, even my nipple-O’s and stealth clit O’s had begun to wane in intensity.  In the past week, I’ve been trying to get more sleep, and even though I’m still only getting five to six hours of actual sleep, I’m staying in bed to rest a few hours more to get at least eight hours of sleep/rest in so my body can heal.

Because I’m a single mom, I won’t be able to get back to my regular practice until the Fall, but I will do what I can with my stealth O’s through the summer.  That might be a good thing actually — allow my body to finish processing all this politics B.S. and regroup.  I will allow my fire to come back gradually.  I am focusing on positive, life-affirming, creativity-inspiring pursuits, like my new online workshop.  I am ready to help people who want to be helped.  I will get back into a regular yoga practice.  I will dismiss the wheat and sugar that somehow crept back into my diet (and devastated my body).

By August, I should be back to myself — or introduced to my new self, a woman who has learned so much on this journey and who is ready to be aroused in mind, body, and spirit once again.

Aroused and healing,

trish

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AW RADIO: Trish Causey Discusses the Mind, Body, & Spirit Benefits of Meditation


ArousedWoman Radio with Trish Causey - 2013Tonight’s show of ArousedWoman Radio featured the topic of meditation, and my guest was my friend, Beverly, who practices different types of meditation.

She shared her personal experiences with Vipassana and Transcendental Meditation as well as yogic-based meditation such as a Kundalini practice.  We also talked about focal point and guided meditation styles.  I related my experience using bi-aural brain-wave entrainment CD’s.

Check out the replay here on AW Radio, then leave a message below telling me your experience with meditation — why it has or has not worked in your practice.

Namaste,

trish

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OpEd: Do You Want Peace, Love, & Happiness?


Peace Love Happiness by iamscottiewWhy are peace, love, and joy so difficult to find for some people?

I can find it within myself and be perfectly happy.  But then people think I’m out of touch with the world.  Well, who wants to be in touch with a violent, unhappy, greed-funded, misogynist world?

Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”  But so many people do not harness their internal power to create love and happiness in their own lives.  Is it because they are deluded by a culture that subscribes to messianic prophecies, that someone else will make everything all better; some superhero will swoop in and save them?  Or do they feel so defeated by a corrupt system, they don’t see a way of changing society for the better?

I’m having one of those days when my focus shifts from “Be the Change” to “Why Bother?”  Then I remember that too many people have the “Why Bother?” mentality, which is why we need to “Be the Change”.

I’ve always said that as an artist, if I don’t like the world I see, I create a new world.  This is also the foundation of my activism.  But so many people seem to prefer wallowing in their own misery.  They could get out, make change in their lives, if only they would take the first step.  No one has to live in pain or misery.

Try mediation to relieve stress.  Try a new type of exercise to get the good hormones flowing.  Look for a new job.  Look into starting your own business on the side.  Try new things, new cuisines, new adventures.  Stop to smell the roses, and the azaleas, and the hibiscus.  Stop and find your center.  Find your grounding to the earth.  Reconnect with yourself and who you always wanted to be, regardless of what path your choices lead you to travel.  You are not your mistakes.  You are, in fact, anything you want to be.  What do you want to be?

Change does not have to be big, swooping motions.  Change can be small.  Change can be a new habit done consistently that eventually leads to a result that is a big change.

I know it is not as easy as “just feel better” for some, but people need to “Be the Change” in their individual lives.  Be your own superhero.  If you need help, ask for help.  You’re not in this alone.  We are perfect in our imperfection.  And we certainly need more people who are approaching the world around them, connecting with the world and others from a grounded, heart-centered place.

Peace, love, and joy are possible.

Find your bliss,

trish

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OpEd: Sex and Pain


Woman with Real Breasts Looking Off into DistanceIf you judged the average person’s sex habits by what you see online, you’d think everyone is into pain, BDSM, and hog-tying their sex partners into elaborate rope configurations.  A while back, I was “roped” into a brief Twitter war with a guy who was trying to justify putting duct tape over a woman’s mouth during sex.  You can well imagine I went Irish war queen on his ass.

Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to associate pleasure with pain, even though I’ve heard some pretty wild concepts.  And I’m not talking about the fur-lined handcuffs, blindfolds, and feathers — although I’d never do the handcuffs or the blindfold.  Even without a fetish being involved, women put up with painful sex for a variety of reasons, and we don’t have to.  Ever.

One reason I did not go the official “sex educator” route was because I would not have been allowed to speak my mind on the sex habits I personally find to be dangerous or just plain stupid.  (Yes, I know…. two consenting adults, blah, blah, blah….)  Since the rise of 50 Shades of Grey, it has become politically incorrect to say anything critical about BDSM or bondage or a woman not being a doormat for an abusive man.  And plain ol’ sex is considered “vanilla” sex, not exciting or amazing, just vanilla.  However, I feel the need to speak out for those of us who like our sex to be solely pleasurable between partners who are on an equal basis, not one person in control nor one person made to be a slave or subservient caricature.

From my own holistic, Tantric perspective, I would never enter a sexual experience with any attitude other than love, equality, and respect.

And yet, pain is apparently all over modern sex.  Personally, I believe the association of sex and pain is due to this patriarchal society that is based on hierarchy and competition at any cost.  The need for control or recognizing we are being controlled is incorporated into every aspect of our lives, our work, our economic status, our cultural/class status; and then hierarchy and the need for control or to relinquish all control crosses over into sex.

Pain is pain, not pleasure.  Women should not put up with painful sex, but often times, we do so as not to hurt the man’s feelings.  We endure all sorts of emotional pain throughout our lives, but sex should be 110% pleasure.  Women, you do not have to tolerate painful, unfulfilling sex.  Ever.

Sex should never hurt.  Except for some slight pain when the hymen is broken, sex should never be painful.  Even for an experienced woman, penetration can be painful if she is not lubricated enough.  Whether it’s your first time with a man or the hundredth, sex may need to be slow to take him in.  Just because you’ve been with him before doesn’t mean your body is automatically ready to be penetrated.  Being penetrated too quickly or without enough lube can be very, VERY painful.

Remember that the vulva needs to be massaged and stretched as part of the preparation for sex.  Another reason for spending time arousing the woman is that the vagina is only 3 to 3.5 inches long, but she expands up to 50% during arousal.  So if the man wants to get 5+ inches of his penis inside instead of just 3 inches, fully arousing a woman is time well spent.

The difference in penis size to vagina size can make for thrilling orgasms or a painful experience.  If the man has a large penis, extra time may need to be taken to avoid hurting the woman.  How much time?  This depends on the woman.  In this way, yes, the woman is always in control of the sex.  That’s just the way it goes, guys.

Once aroused, the woman’s erectile tissue will be fully infused with blood (just as the man’s erectile tissue fills with blood), and for the woman, when the man slowly slides inside the vagina, it is exquisite pressure and a sense of being absolutely full, as if he’s touched her soul.  Again, any man not willing to patiently await a woman’s full arousal doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near a vagina.

Encouraging pain to feel pleasure is just stupid — or even dangerous if your partner wants to try something like erotic axphxiation (choking to make orgasm “stronger”).  If you actually know the “how” of orgasm, you’d know that oxygen feeds orgasm intensity and duration, so cutting off your oxygen supply is actually not a good idea.  And about 1,000 people die per year from erotic axphyxiation.

Pain in the vagina, anus, or even in the pelvic floor or legs could be a sign of something very wrong.  If you experience pain or numbness in the legs during or after sex, this may be not only a neurological issue but also a respiratory issue.  Getting enough oxygen into your lungs, and ergo your body, is crucial for proper function of the body and especially for orgasm.  During sex, focus breathing down into your pelvic floor.  As you inhale, bring the air all the way down toward your genitals.  This will ensure that you are belly breathing and not breathing only in the upper chest.  Upper chest breathing doesn’t allow the body to get rid of as much carbon dioxide, so the body is not being fully oxygenated.  This can contribute to the tingling or numbness in the legs.  Also, being sedentary in your daily life or job can affect the nerves and bloodflow in the legs.

Moving around to the backside, anal sex should NEVER hurt.  Ever.  Whether fingers, a toy, or a penis, anal sex should only ever be pleasurable.  Men, please know, that male prostate stimulation is very healthy for you, and any anal stimulation should always be pleasurable.

With the possible exception of breaking the hymen, no part of sex should ever hurt.  Ever.  Never.

Yes, I know that fetishes like spanking and rope-tying have hit the mainstream, but it is still a power-play of control and inflicting pain on someone you supposedly care about.  Just because you interpret both pain and pleasure in the same area of the brain doesn’t mean you need to inflict pain to experience pleasure.  In fact, if you are, then you only experience sex on a physical level, and orgasm is a response of the subtle body, not just a “release” of the physical anatomy.

The rise of pain as a means of pleasure is more patriarchal bullshit that women are supposed to adopt as “normal” sex play.  Women are throttled by the neck, their breasts are slapped, their vulvas punched with a partner’s fist, and it makes me ill.  What’s worse is that young people see the images, gifs, videos, etc., online and think that abusive sex is normal, and it is not.

Once you understand the mechanism and response of orgasm, you will know that pain should never be anywhere near sex.  Any desire for pain during sex is a sign of other psychological and/or emotional issues that need to be resolved outside the bedroom.  I know this is not a popular sentiment, and that’s okay.  I want to be a voice for all those women (and men) who instinctively do not want pain-fetishized sex but feel pressured into accepting it because of this society that regularly features victimized women and abusive men as part of the mainstream culture.

Having lived in a patriarchal world and been affected by its brutality more times than I care to acknowledge, I will never allow an abusive person into my sex life.  Ever.

trish

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OpEd: New Year’s Resolutions From a Tantric Perspective


Shri Yantra Tantra MeditationMost people know Tantra is the ancient art and science of bliss, but more deeply, Tantra is an approach to living every aspect of your life — not just choosing a sex position.

Tantra is comprised of two words which mean instrument and expansion, so Tantra is a tool by which you can expand your understanding of the universe, both macrocosmically and microcosmically.  On the macrocosmic level, you can endeavor to find the meaning of it all, how you fit in with the universe, why you are here, or why any of this physical experience exists.  On the microcosmic scale, Tantra can be your daily grounding in being the best person you can be, expanding your heart to show compassion for others, and being an example to others of how to live in harmony with Nature and honor the Feminine.

In practical terms, making New Year’s resolutions both align with and are in opposition to Tantra.  You might want to set out goals for the year, perhaps employing lessons you learned from the previous year.  Yet, a Tantrika knows the most important moment is this one.  Now.  Not last year.  Not later this year.  Now.  Be mindful of this moment.  With no attachment.  Goalless.  No competition.  No self-loathing.  No comparison to how you looked 20 years ago.  How you want to look in six months.  No guilt for how you failed on previous goals.  No iron-will determination set forth to finally accomplish a lapsed milestone.  No trying to change another person so they will love you as you wish they loved you.

Resolutions can be futile because few people can live their lives within the boundaries of absolutes.  Making resolutions ahead of time means trying to live your life in a resolute, determined manner.  You’re thinking in the future, trying to avoid your past.  This is hardly “being in the moment” or being open to experiences or needed lessons.  Instead of making individual resolutions, make an overall path to follow for the year by setting out to pursue an idea of learning, growing, experiencing, and allowing yourself the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.

Rather than making a resolution to lose weight or make more money, set forth a path of being a healthier person, being a better person, or just being happier.  I, for one, think most overweight people are overweight because of other issues, not food.  Food is the drug of choice to numb pain or feed stress, but it is still just the coping mechanism.  Beneath the layers of blubber are other issues to be addressed and resolved.  Be resolute in solving the mental, emotional, and psychological reasons for eating unhealthily first, then address the addiction of the habitual eating.

Dealing with the impetus of stress and unhappiness is always difficult, but even here, do not attach yourself to the problem or the stress itself.  Remove yourself from the immediacy of the issue, step back, and determine how you can make the situation different so you can be happy and healthy and prosperous.  If you can’t, perhaps it’s time to move on.  No crash diet or extreme workout regimen will offer long-term results.  Getting to the root of unhappiness will forge a path of moving on and starting anew.

You are not your mistakes.

Your best resolution is to be a good, compassionate human being.  All choices will expand outward from that perspective in the moment, each and every moment, perfectly.

Happy New Year and Merry Resolutionlessness,

trish


AskTrish: Woman Who Got STD From Cheating Partner Wants to Find Love


nude-couple-embrace-kiss-passionately-3Dear Trish,

I don’t even know why I am writing to you, you just seem to give sound understanding advice.  I am a sexual woman, but have only been with one man my entire life, and a couple years ago he had an affair/cheated.  Not only did he break my heart, but gave me a life long STD (no not HIV), the other. :(  Ever since, I am scared that I’m broken/ damaged goods.  How could any man be able to look past what I have and have a healthy sexual relationship with me without the stigma?  The rejection would kill me inside.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m so sorry to hear that you were betrayed on several levels.  While a committed relationship is not for me personally, I do take loyalty very seriously and hate having my trust violated.

Since you’ve read my blog, I’m going to be blunt.  I’m not going to guess what “the other” sexually transmitted disease is that you contracted from him.  Is getting a sexually transmitted disease the end of your world?  No.  Is it a pain in the ass?  Has your life changed irrevocably?  Yes.  Will you find love again?  Only if you really want to.

The affair, and I’m assuming the contraction of the STD, was a couple of years ago, but you sound as if you’re still in denial or depression about it.  I would highly suggest you reach out to a support group and talk with a counselor about your options for safe sex and long-term care for yourself to support your immune system and keep you healthy otherwise.  Note, this counselor or therapist serves a different purpose than your doctor that you may see every few months to get prescriptions.  A counselor will be interested in your well-being on a personal level, not just the numbers on your blood panels.

It is understandable if you are still in denial or even anger about the affair, the STD, the “what now?” you have had to deal with.  It can be overwhelming.  You might consider getting Adina Nack’s book that seems to resonate exactly with your worst fear, Damaged Goods?: Women Living With Incurable Sexually Transmitted Diseases.  Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross explained the five stages of grief in her famous books, including On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss.  You’re not dying — well, we all die of something — but the information on the grief process could help you immensely in healing the past so you can move on in your future, and learn to love your self in the present.  Damaged Goods may have useful tips on safe-sex as well as groups you could contact.

Once you get into a support group or have access to help via a support system, I think you should ask if there is a dating group there as well.  Yes, I said it.  Ask them if there is a group they know about (with people who have your same STD) that you can start to hang out with, mingle with, and just get to know as friends so you don’t feel so alone in this.  After all, you’re not the first person with an STD who has wanted to find love again!  So don’t be afraid to ask them!!  Your fear is that another man won’t accept you because of the STD.  And I’m sensing you would feel a huge dose of gratefulness or indebtedness for him “overlooking” the disease and accepting you regardless.  But if you meet a guy who has the same disease, then that part of the awkwardness is nullified, and now you two can move on to figuring out who picks up the check on the first date. :-)

I’m not trying to sound glib about your situation, but I want you to see that there is hope for you — in body and spirit.  Each of us makes choices about how we live each day of our lives.  I’m glad to see that you want to live and be happy!

Of course, you should be up front and honest with a potential partner — NEVER leave the info about an STD till “after.”  But I feel you have A LOT of healing to do on yourself before you even think about bringing a partner into your life.  If you think a partner will give you acceptance, then if that partner leaves, that acceptance goes out the door with them.  You have to develop acceptance for yourself from within your self, or any sense of self-worth will last only as long as the relationship.  Heal yourself first.

Find a local group, a national hotline, or activist group that helps people with your STD.  Be honest with them.  Their job is to help you see that life isn’t over once you’ve contracted an STD, just as life isn’t over once a person gets a cancer diagnosis.  It’s just a diagnosis.  You are in the driver’s seat as to how your life plays out from that moment onward.  You are in control.  And that can make all the difference in the world for your outlook on the situation, on love, and your life as a whole.

Let me know how it goes.  I can’t wait to hear what happens!!

trish

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Sample Consult: Man Has Trouble Keeping Erection and Can’t Climax During Sex


male-nude-standing-behindEver wondered what a consult with me sounds like?  Is it formal… or scary?  (I don’t think so!)

Here’s a consult I did tonight over Twitter — yes, Twitter.  See!  Consults are conveniently arranged via phone, Skype, or even Twitter.  Sure, you can ask me a question for an AskTrish post, but it can take a while (read: months) to get an answer posted due to the number of questions I receive.  To schedule a consult — especially if your question is time-sensitive, just contact me via the Consult page on my website.

NOTE:  I know this client, so some info on his background, health, etc., were not covered in this Consult.  In this Transcript, Twitter typos have been fixed. Permission to use was granted by the client, who is represented by Q (Querier).

Q:  I have had sex with 2 women in the past 3 months. I have had problems before but moved past it.  The first few times I sleep with a woman, I can’t climax, and I have a hard time staying erect.  I can’t focus, and all I think about is if she is enjoying it and I just totally suck.  LOL

T:  You’re putting too much pressure on yourself!

Q:  It has been that way since I first had sex.

T:  There are tell-tale signs a woman is enjoying sex that you can look for.  Read my post on “The Face of Orgasm.”

Q:  I feel that way and think about her because I have a hard time staying hard.  It just stays semi and like floppy, it’s bigger so it’s harder to control when not hard.

T:  You need to read my blog more often.  Seriously.  Orgasm is NOT the same as ejaculation.  You can orgasm for hours and never even get an erection.  Read my rant on “Have Multiple Orgasms Already!”

A “floppy” penis is actually normal for a larger penis.  Even getting hard, a larger penis may not stand at full attention and has nothing to do with your arousal level.  If you’re getting anxious, that triggers adrenaline, which affects the brain, breathing, and triggers the fight-or-flight reflex, as well as releases stress hormones like cortisol.

Q:  Yeah, that’s how I feel, I’m nervous the first few times.  I don’t enjoy sex and can’t come close to climax.  After the first 3 or 4 times, I’m good.

T:  What changes by the 3rd or 4th time that you can actually enjoy sex?

Q:  I think I finally get comfortable, get used to her feel, her movements, I guess.

T:  How does she react those first few times?  Does she say or do something that makes you feel less “manly” or just inadequate?  Or does she go out of her way (or maybe overboard) to boost your ego?

Q:  I have never asked.  Some women don’t come back.  Those that stick around like it.  I just feel embarrassed, and it gets worse each time.

T:  Are you drinking alcohol?  On any meds, legal or otherwise?

Q:  There have been times when this has happened that I had been drinking and it happened.  Most times, sober.

T:  Alcohol is a social norm, but terrible for sexual response!  But even sober, you’ve had enough bad experience with this that you’re talking yourself into being anxious even if you’re not realizing it.  Sex with a person the first time is always a little nerve-wracking.  And if a woman doesn’t understand that, she’s not for you anyway.

Have you told the women up front that you’re nervous?  That you focus on the woman so much you sometimes don’t climax, and that’s okay with you?  As in, you are focused on HER, and not yourself.  That you just want to be with her?

Q:  I never have said anything.

T:  Ah… Communication is paramount.  This is why one-night stands and at-the-bar hook-ups can be difficult for some people.  They don’t feel comfortable talking about such things.  You have to talk to the woman.

I also think you should begin some yoga or meditation exercise that helps you with stress and anxiety.  You don’t need alcohol or meds to help with this, IMHO.  Learn to control your breathing, which actually affects your brain, hormone response, and nervousness.

Q:  How do I go about starting the anxiety control?

T:  Contact a yoga or meditation teacher in your area.  You want to find someone who is experienced in yoga (hatha, ashtanga, tantra, kundalini) — some tradition that is REAL yoga, not New Age… especially if you seek a Tantra teacher — you need a REAL Tantra teacher, not a New Age one.  The purpose of the breathing meditations is so you get into your body to control the reactions you’re having to stress…

Q:  I see, I never thought of that.  I will do that!  So how do I go about being intimate the first time?

T:  Dude, you’re jumping ahead here!  You’re not ready to have sex yet.

Q:  LOL  I see that!

T:  Of course, I teach this as well. :-) But you need a teacher that you can learn from w/o having sexual attraction to — like a man… (Not that you’re attracted to me, that’s not what I’m saying! Just that a male teacher might be better for you.)

Q:  Like shadow a man you mean?

T:  Learning from a male teacher will have a different energy than if you’re studying with a female (since you’re straight, the opposite would be true if you were a gay man).  Since you’re doing this with the idea of great sex being the benefit, learning from a woman might trigger some of that stress.

Q:  So what would I learn from him?

T:  For starters, a man who’s mastered breathing and stress control would be better able to teach you how to control a penis, from the man’s perspective.

Q:  Wouldn’t triggering the stress help me learn to deal with it?

T:  No.

Q:  Well, can you help me.  Even from a distance, I imagine you can.

T:  If you want the male teacher, I can recommend one.  And you could tell him about the sexual side of things, whereas you might feel weird talking about this with the average yoga teacher you don’t know, or talking about this with a man you’re afraid will mock you.  Finding a teacher you feel completely safe with is crucial.

Q:  There is a reason I came to you with this problem!!  Okay, you are the master.  Thank you.

T:  You’re welcome. :-)

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trish

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AskTrish: Woman Married 15 Years Can Only Orgasm to Porn


nude-woman-artistic-female-formDear Trish,

I’ve been married for almost 15 years.  Before I got married, I used to have orgasms without a problem during intercourse, and I was very active and sexual woman.  Now, AFTER 15 years, we have sex like every three or four months and worse, without orgasms… well, once a year if I’m really lucky.  I only get an orgasm while watching porn and masturbating myself — so, I’m not anorgasmic — but it doesn’t happen while having sex with him.  Even when I’m aroused and really try to have an orgasm mental and physically, it just doesn’t happen.  I talked to him, but it’s not enough.

I LOOOVEEEE sex, I like sex, and even for a while I resigned myself to abstinence.  Well, I suppose that I am the problem, but I cannot find the solution.  I want to enjoy sex, and literally shout out myself for pleasure and orgasm during intercourse but well… here I am asking for help.   Love my husband and I wish I could surrender myself into his arms and enjoy and cry out for pleasure.  Any thoughts?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Right off the bat, I see at least three major things that need to be addressed, and hear me when I say, YOU are NOT the sole issue that needs help here.  It takes two to tango, and in a relationship, each partner is 100% responsible for participating in their 50% of the partnership.

The word relationship does not mean “suffer in silence,” as you seem to be doing — I know that’s how I felt in my miserable 15-year marriage with orgasmless sex.  (At least you like your guy!)  A relationship is supposed to be two (or more) people actively relating to each other.  I don’t see much relating at all here.  But let’s begin this conversation with you…

You didn’t tell me your age, so for round numbers, let’s say you’re 40 years old and got married at 25.  In your early 20′s then, you were a vibrant, happy, sexual, naturally orgasmic woman.  Fast forward 15 years, you’re experiencing issues with orgasm with a husband who is uninterested in “fixing” a relationship he apparently doesn’t view as being problematic.

From a physical standpoint, the body completely regenerates every cell in the body within about three years.  So you are literally not the same person you were then — your body has completely re-created itself 5 times since then.  Now, at “40,” your hormone levels are different, your blood chemistry is different, and this isn’t even considering if you take prescription medication on a regular basis that can upset your body’s chemical balance, or have unhealthy nutrition habits, too much alcohol or caffeine intake, etc.

My first recommendation to you is to get your bloodwork done and see what your hormone levels are — do you make enough testosterone?  Testosterone is required for women’s sexuality, believe it or not.  When we’re younger, we have plenty of it (without seeming masculine), but as we get older, women’s testosterone levels drop significantly.  This can be made worse if you have been taking products that give you extra estrogen, such as birth control, or eating unfermented soy products like soy milk, soy yogurt, or ingesting too many foods made with soy.  Also get your thyroid levels checked as the thyroid regulates hormone production in the body.

The second area I would address if I were you is the porn.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch beautiful, sensual erotica myself, but as with any item we start to “rely” on for orgasm, porn may now be a “crutch” for you.  I gave up vibrators when I could no longer have an orgasm without them — I literally had no feeling in my clit or labia, and I wasn’t even using a vibrator that often.  It took six months to be able to feel any sensation in my clit.  You may have gotten to the point where you’ve unconsciously talked yourself into reaching climax “only” when watching porn, so the orgasm is less about your sexual happiness and connection to your self and more about a psychosomatic reflex — “muscle memory” triggered by watching porn, if you will.

Go porn-less for a few months and get back in touch with your body.  Your body was naturally orgasmic.  Allow the muscles and nerves and your autonomic nervous system to re-learn what came so easily back then — awaken that “muscle” memory!  This will take time and will likely be very frustrating.  I invite you to read through my DailyOJ if you want a friend-in-frustration because I certainly understand.  I would recommend my “Allowing and Receiving post” any time you really feel the pull to give up the bodywork and go back to the porn.  Again, I’m not saying you should never watch erotica again, just take a break for a little while.  Or watch some erotica or scroll through my Tumblr to get the juices flowing, then turn it off when you start masturbating.  Relax into your body, focusing on your body’s wants and needs, not what you think your body “should” want or how it “should” act/react.  Read my post on “Lying Broken in Pieces As I Heal” to see this process from a different perspective.

The third issue here is the infrequency of the sexual relationship with your husband.  I am wondering, “What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to make love to a woman just starting her sexual prime?  What’s going on in his work?  His life outside the relationship — with him as a man?  What stresses does he experience with his job, deadlines, co-workers?  Does he have any addictions (food, caffeine, alcohol, other) that could be affecting him?  Does he have health issues that are affecting his emotions, blood circulation, sexual drive, and even his mental/psychological state?  Does he experience erectile dysfunction?  Is he not making enough testosterone at this point in his life?”  Yes, men make less testosterone as they get older as well.

As a man in his 40′s, let’s say, he may have been brought up in the last generation of boys who were taught to solve problems for themselves, don’t ask for help — that’s a sign of “weakness,” men have to have all the answers, be the leaders.  Men are still suffering from the strong-silent-type John Wayne persona they were forced to emulate all the while being fed the Renaissance Man/Prince stereotype who is supposed to sweep a woman off her feet, romance her endlessly, and the relationship bliss and passion just happen all the time by magic — as women have been brainwashed into believing thanks to “princess” animated movies, romance novels, and daytime soaps.

Orgasms can seem easy enough if you find the right sex position.  But the want has to really be there as well as a healthy mind and a healthy body.  It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to bridge the divide here.  Sex 4 times a year is not a true relating-ship, in my opinion, especially since you have tried to talk with him and he has not been receptive to communication.  There are deeper issues going on with him that he may not feel comfortable sharing… yet.

Getting back to you, though, I hope you’re not expecting him to “give” you orgasms or “make” you cum.  You are 100% responsible for your own orgasms during sex — or even solo.  I see you understand that orgasm is a mental process first for a woman.  After all the disappointment you’ve faced with this, your mental outlook may verge on the pessimistic side.  You have work to do, for sure, and you need to work on yourself and your self first.

Okay… I lied… there’s a fourth thing I want you to consider…

In this post on orgasms, I explain there are different types of orgasms: the physical reflex and the energetic response.  You can frig off for hours and never orgasm, much less climax.  Or you can rewire the body to the point where you just think the word “orgasm,” and you’re off into the La-La Land of Bliss.  Get back to your body, and rewire from the parasympathetic nervous system outward.  And remember, I’m working on an orgasm training method that teaches this very thing, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter.

I know, I know… Other peolpe are going to suggest you do all the work here — add the “romance” back in, wear some lingerie, light candles, cook him a nice dinner, give him a massage to loosen him up to get him in the mood.  This is all superficial bullshit.  Your relationship needs true communication re-building, and that begins with honest dialogue, not pretending the problems away.

To begin this journey of healing, begin with yourself.  To heal the relationship, you MUST sit him down, either just the two of you or with a counselor.  You cannot save the sex or the relationship by yourself.

I most heartfully wish you well in this.  And for more in-depth personalized advice, I also do consults via phone or Skype.

Take care,

trish

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NEWS: ‘ArousedWoman’ Celebrates 1 Year Anniversary


ArousedWoman - icon- sq - 300 pxHey,  everybody!

Hard to believe, but yes, ArousedWoman is now 1 year old. *WOO-HOO!!!*

Last year, I had started my activist site and blog, Activists’ Voice — I even started a radio show to go with that blog. However, with the crazy, misogynist landscape of the 2012 POTUS election, I needed to focus the scope of my activism toward women’s rights and women’s sexual autonomy issues. From that, ArousedWoman was born on Valentine’s Day, 2012.

This has been an incredible year. I’ve met some incredible people through my activism with AW, and I’ve come across some real jerks. Numerous people have told me how my blog has helped their own sexual journey, awakened their awareness to certain issues, as well as let them know they are not alone in their healing from abuse.

My DailyOJ has been called “brave” for its tell-all insights into a woman’s psyche and a woman’s experiences with sex, female anatomy, and multiple orgasms, but I’ve also had so-called liberals dismiss my journey as a “jerk-off blog.” (Whatever.) I let my opinion loose in my OpEd articles, and I’m so honored that readers trust me enough to ask my opinion on their own situations that I answer in my AskTrish series.

While I think society-at-large is a collective 4-year-old having a temper tantrum when it comes to sexual issues, I still think there is hope! And I’m looking forward to the year ahead as ArousedWoman’s path becomes clearer for me and how I want to help others. With the new forum and the radio show I hope to start (soon!), I think ArousedWoman’s upcoming year will be fantastic — thanks in large part to all of you!

Stay tuned as I have new AskTrish posts (with questions from women!), some interesting orgasm experiences to note in my DailyOJ, and a few new reviews of books and music as well as my review of my new sex toy (move over, Sparkles!! j/k :-) ).

Namaste! MWAH!

trish


OpEd: Hardcore Erotica, Animalistic Sex, and Hair Pulling


couple-touching-clawsA male member of the AW Forum posted a discussion in the Music to Set the Mood area, saying:

“Just thought I would add a category that I like to call ‘Hard Erotica.’  It’s a little more gritty and animalistic… Sometimes a good fuck requires a little hair pulling….”

Seriously? We’re back to the “so easy a cave man could do it” attitude toward sex?

The songs to which this member linked were dance-music, “hardcore erotica” tracks from Basic Instinct and Madonna. As a composer of real music, I find that this sort of computerized drivel personifies what is wrong with popular music (overproduced, over-sampled, monotonous in “beat”), but I’ll leave that aside for now.

Describing an enthusiastic fuck as “animalistic” begins to lead the conversation about sex back toward hardcore porn — removing the humanity from sex and encouraging the monotonous mechanics of impersonal fucking — which is not something I subscribe to and is NOT the purpose of my forum or anything related to ArousedWoman(TM). Sex should be about connection — even casual fucking should have a dose of humanity and connectedness to it.

We all know sex can get really heated and… exuberant… that doesn’t mean the intent is “animalistic,” necessarily. This sort of description is exactly the terminology the church used to shame sex — that it was “base” and only for “lower” animals. Deep, fast, thrusting sex can be thrilling for sure, but that doesn’t mean it is “animalistic.” Sex can also be incredibly tender and beautiful. Sex should be a raising of energy between partners, not just a means of tension relief from erratic muscular contractions. In fact, from a Tantric perspective, the best orgasms happen from “slow sex.” (Yes, I said slow sex — as in, the man enters the vagina, and nobody moves for an hour… Yes, I said an hour.)

For myself, I make it clear to a partner that hair pulling is absolutely NOT OKAY. It’s not only a sign of aggravated assault (to me), but yanking a woman’s head back via hair pulling is dangerous to the cervical spine and the larynx (the tube for breathing and speech).

Men may have a fantasy about hair pulling because of what they’ve seen in “hardcore porn,” but only because they’ve never been on the receiving end of having their head yanked back by their long hair or ponytail. No, it is not the same feeling as when a woman curls her fingers in a man’s short hair (on his head) and pulls his head back (that is bad enough), but to have someone grab hold of your long hair, use it like a handle to jerk your head back is horribly painful — and again, dangerous to the neck and larynx.

Yes, I know, some readers will complain (again) that I’m being all “puritanical” and I’m “not at peace” with myself for expressing my opinion (and I’m not even on my period and all hormonal), but I don’t exist to perpetuate the stereotypes of women or sex. So suck it.

ArousedWoman(TM) is about awakening from the “dirty,” impersonal, shame-filled KoolAid of sexuality as demonized by religion and kinkified by a society still trying to find balance in sexual practices and “roles.” As I say on Twitter: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.” Nothing about ArousedWoman(TM) is about hardcore porn, so find another site if that’s all you care about — there are plenty of porn & sex sites that perpetuate the pro-church, misogynistic attitudes toward sexuality. ArousedWoman(TM) is NOT one of those.

One last word on monotonous dance music… If a man can only move his hips in one rhythm, he’s a dud in bed. Give me a man who can fuck the 1812 Overture, and we’ll talk.

trish

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OpEd: Wounded Knee 1890 – U.S. Still Wages #WarOnWomen


Wounded Knee Museum South Dakota Black HillsDecember 29th is a day of mourning for all American Indian tribes and should be a day of disgrace for the United States.

On December 29, 1890, the 7th Cavalry sought revenge for Custer’s loss at the Little Big Horn by attacking Chief Big Foot’s band with rapid-fire Hotchkiss guns and mounted soldiers thirsty for blood.  The Army assassinated unarmed Lakota men and set out on horseback to chase down the women and children trying to run away in below-freezing temperatures.

It was so cold in fact, the bodies of Big Foot and his Lakota tribe were left on the ground where they died and had to be dug out from the snow by the U.S. soldiers, who then threw them into mass graves.

The massacre of the Cheyenne at Sand Creek in 1864 was a brutal display of evil wearing self-righteous’ clothing.  Newspapers of the day described how the U.S. soldiers paraded through town wearing their spoils of war, including scalps of  male warriors and fetuses they’d carved out of pregnant Cheyenne women’s uteruses, worn around the soldiers’ necks with pride as if each “trophy” were a fashionable scarf.

Thirty years before, the Eastern and Southern tribes had been made to walk the Trial of Tears, leaving the lush, tree-covered rolling hills of their ancient stomping grounds to walk more than a thousand miles to the alien, barren land of what is now Oklahoma.  This was preceded by decades of Indian wars over land that the indigenous tribes could not fathom as being “owned.”  The tribes with whom the U.S. was now at war had been the real reason America won its independence from the British to begin with.  And even before the American Revolution, the Puritans’ massacres of the Pequot resulted in the murders of mostly women, children, and elderly by setting fire to their village.

American history is littered with murders and atrocities that earned U.S. soldiers Medals of Honor.

I’ve been to the Knee.  It is a haunting, sacred place.  But then, all of this land is sacred — rich and beautiful.  Which is why the American government would do anything to steal every square inch of it.

Considering the hatred our governmental leaders have shown women in 2012, am I really surprised that American soldiers chased pregnant and elderly women for 2 miles along a frozen river, shooting them all for sport?  Or that pregnant Cheyenne women were butchered?  Or women and children burned alive?  No.  Militant oppressors always target women because women give birth to the next generation.  We give birth to their future enemies.

What surprises me is that in 2012, ignorant baffoons like Rush Limbaugh can call a woman a slut, and we’re outraged, but he calls a scholar a “squaw” and no one blinks.  (Hint:  “Squaw” is a horrible, degrading term for an indigenous woman’s genitals.  How degrading?  Call a black person the “N” word.  It’s about like that.)  Right now, Chief Theresa Spence is on a hunger strike in an effort to help the indigenous people of Canada, and yes, women and children make up a good number of those for whom she’s fighting — starving herself — to get a meeting with Canada’s Prime Minister.

The #WarOnWomen is not new.  Patriarchal politics and religions have always hated women and our inherent strength.  I’m white, but I’m a woman and a mother.  To be targeted because of a woman’s gender always hits too close to home.  The insanity and irrationality of racism is mind-boggling to me.  But remembering the past can help us come together and end this misogynist tyranny once and for all.

Remember the Knee.  We are all connected.  Be the change.

trish

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ArousedWoman Love, Sex, & Orgasm Consults Now Available


With the success of my AskTrish series, I have been inundated with questions by people seeking personal help with their individual situations regarding sex, masturbation, healing from sexual trauma, and relationships.

I’ve been receiving so many questions on general topics and specific scenarios, I’m having trouble keeping up with them on top of my paying writing gigs!  This is a great problem to have — it means you all love and respect my perspective, which warms my heart immensely.  However, some querents have been less than gracious and even rude — one man asked a question via Twitter, then moments later told me to get back to him “soon, today”  — like I’m a trained dog?  Or like he had me on a paid retainer, or something?!

To alleviate this, I am still doing the AskTrish series, but on a schedule that suits my timetable.  I am aiming for two to four posts per month.

To handle the overflow of questions, I am now offering personal consultations because I know for a fact just reading the AW Blog has helped many people.  I like answering people’s questions over Twitter, but these Twitter convos have been taking hours… literally!  I don’t teach voice lessons for free or write theatre articles for free, nor can I offer in-depth training for free (hey, I’m a single mom with a kid to feed).  So please ask me a question via Twitter, but if it gets too involved, I will tell you to go for a Consult.

Personal consultations allow me to focus only on you  and your particular situation and offer you specific techniques just for you.  Use the email form on the AW Consult page to get the ball rolling.  If I feel I cannot help you, I will tell you exactly that.  I will not hold a consult if I don’t know I can help you.

The Consult can be held over the phone or via Skype (no video at this time).  Personal orgasm training is also available, just use the Consult form to inquire.  For more info, visit the AW Consult page.

And be on the look-out for more posts today on the up-cumming features of ArousedWomanTM!

trish


DailyOJ 11-13-12: Reality vs. Fantasy


The past few weeks, I have had issues with blended O’s — the few times I’ve done them (right hand on my clit, left hand stimulating my prostate), it’s either taken a long time — 30 minutes, or I’ve given up and gone for my purple silicone buddy, Sparkles.

Mainly, I’ve noticed that I’ve become ambivalent about using Sparkles when my spontaneous orgasms keep me happy all day and my stealth nipplegasms, subtle (one-finger barely moving) clitgasms — even labia-gasms! — are so fulfilling orgasmically that I don’t feel the need for penetration (at the time)… (It’s the rest of my waking hours that I’m horny as all get-out and want something that’s wide and hard inside me!)

I have also noticed that when I go for a length of time without doing the blended orgasms (both hands stimulating), it takes longer to bring myself to orgasm when I get back in to it.  It’s as if I have to stay in practice with it the way a pianist has to stay in practice with the piano to keep up his technique, or the training starts to drain out of the muscle memory.  For these body-centric orgasms, it’s not just my fingers and wrists that have to stay limber to bring about orgasm — my entire body has to “train” for orgasms since they are full-body experiences, especially in the abdominal area, my legs, and glutes.

I’ve been adjusting to the integration of the non-explosion clitoral part of my blended orgasm.  It’s just weird to not feel it.  But these new orgasms are amazing.  Instead of feeling that hot explosion at one very centralized point (the head of the clit), the orgasms feel like a huge, powerful wave crashing against the coastline of my genitals, and I am thunderstruck by their intensity.  With Sparkles, the blended O is very similar, yet even more powerful because of the added sensation of being penetrated and having it stimulate my A-Spot and cervix as well.

During the hands-on stim, I love feeling the changes to my prostate.  She is just awesome!  I’ve even discovered a few new  spots within my prostate!  I’m learning their signals, what it means orgasmically when I start to feel them emerging from the rougher texture of my aroused prostate.  One of these spots is toward the left, the other two are toward the sides of the prostate (which is very important to stimulate as well!), along with my already discovered She Spot.

What’s been interesting to me has been my legs.  A few minutes in to each hands-on session, my legs start shaking wildly, uncontrollably.  I feel my glutes clenching and unclenching.  My hips are rocking, reaching up repeatedly in their own rhythm. And here is where the problem begins…

Since I’ve got the physical part of the stimulation down, I’ve been trying to enjoy some fantasy time in my mind during arousal.  Usually, I try to picture my Dream Man being the one to do all this stimulation (which would be much easier on my wrists if he were!).  But I’m so in awe of the changes in, on, through my body that my mind doesn’t want to leave all this awareness of my body’s process to climax.  As soon as I try picturing Mr. Dream Man, I lose some of the arousal (slightly).  For some reason, I’m not interested in thinking of women… so that’s another issue to deal with another day…

I don’t do “fantasy” — as in made-up time, place, setting.  And I know instinctively that it would not work for me, so no, I won’t try.

Between the extended time to orgasm via hands-on stim, not craving penetrative Sparkles sex, and loving my body’s changes more than I lust after my Dream Man, I know I’m at a crossroads.  Don’t know what’s around the corner, but I’m taking a peek and will meet it head-on… and hands on. :-)

Aroused and feeling,

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s DailyOJ.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


AskTrish: Man Ponders Women’s Perspective of an Open, Polyamorous Relationship


Dear Trish,

I’m a 50 year-old straight (but bi-curious) male.  I have been with my female partner for 5 years now and have been living with her for 4 years.  I am in school 300 miles away.  The past few months, while I have been here, I have talked to her about exploring her own sexuality — not an open relationship as I am not wanting that, just giving her the freedom to explore whatever desires she finds.  I believe there is great healing in sexual freedom which is truly empowering.  So, tomorrow night she has a ‘movie night’ with a friend of ours who has made it very clear he wants to fuck her.  He is a good friend and the safe factor is one that cannot be ignored.  I actually encouraged him to move ahead with pursuing her at my birthday party on Friday night!  Can a person be able to feel true happiness at the thought of his partner not only having sex with a friend, but encouraging it and enjoying her pleasure by offering her the liberty to do so as she desires?  I know the idea is so very exciting to me, but I don’t hear talk about this stuff in many places.  I know I will be so very happy when she tells me all about it tomorrow night, I guess I am just looking to hear a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom while in a committed relationship, albeit a long distance one.  Do you have any thoughts on this?  I guess the bottom line is how deep does ‘control’ run in the male psyche?!  I feel so un-male by being so seemingly un-normal!  Would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’ or some other something else?  Would this kind of freedom (for lack of a better term) be received as a negative by women?

James
Ontario, Canada

Dear James,

A million thoughts are running through my head, many of which you may not like.  So please accept my response with a grain of salt as it comes with a healthy dose of tough love.  Since you’re in Canada, I’m too far away to give you the ass-kicking my Irish fire really wants to administer.  Clearly, the misogyny of patriarchal culture is entrenched in the northern climes — which is sad since I’ve always heard Canadians were so nice.

I’ll address your male psyche first.  You are not  “un-manly” or  “un-normal.”  You are following your desires as a consenting adult.  Neither a sexually repressed society nor antiquated, misogynist religion should be your barometer in pursuing adult relationships.  However, these negative influences have  shaped you as evidenced in your verbiage, which I purposely left whole so you could see your subconscious language patterns: “giving her the freedom,” “offering her the liberty,” “a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom,” “would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’”… What century  are you living in?!  And are you sure  you don’t live in Arizona?

Whether this relationship you have with your woman is committed, casual, or even legally bound with a prison sentence marriage license, she is a free, autonomous human being and can “fuck” or “make love” with whomever she chooses, and she doesn’t need your permission or your “giving” her the liberty and freedom from psychological slavery to pursue the physical and emotional needs of her own body, heart, and mind.  Capiche?

I’ll get off my soap box because I know your intention  is not to sound like a misogynist jerk.  Your language is indicative of living in an oppressive patriarchal culture while your heart and spirit desperately want validation and freedom from  that very oppression.

Clearly, you and your woman have great communication, for which I applaud you!  While you say you don’t want an open relationship, you, in fact, have one.  It could even be polyamory if the other partner(s) have emotional feelings as well.  These types of relationships are not talked about in society for the same reason homosexual and bisexual relationships are still taboo — they threaten the hetero-patriarchal dynamic that limits relationships to male/female and institutionalizes the hierarchy of a superior male with an inferior female’s body and mind being owned by the male.

For me, I have sworn I would never do another long distance relationship because they’re expensive, annoying, and sexually frustrating.  However, I have always thought that sex “in the meantime” is okay because we all have needs.  The body wants sex.  The heart wants love.  You make accommodations when you can’t be with the one you love via abstinence, cheating, or an open relationship where both people understand there is a physical need that is separate from the emotional need — if that is an understanding that is right for the both of you.

For instance, if I were in a relationship with a soldier, knowing he or she will be gone for months or even longer than a year, I would tell them to have sex when they can with someone “safe,” i.e., don’t bring home any diseases.  The body has needs and wants.  So I’m perfectly fine with them having sex with a fellow soldier or “safe” partner while on deployment.  Do what you need to do to make it through the day to stay alive and come home.

Some species mate for life while most of the earth’s inhabitants only have flings or “open” relationships for each mating season.  Humans may choose monogamy or polyamory as dictated by their personal needs or spiritual/religious beliefs.

Polyamorous relationships are not fully understood or accepted by most monogamous people.  The non-poly people don’t understand how two people in a committed relationship can be with others outside the relationship and not get jealous.  Getting jealous is just not something in the make-up of polyamorous folks.  This hippie/free-love notion of open acceptance and loving everyone is a threat to our competition-driven imperialistic society that thrives on conflict and profits from war.  Polyamory will never be accepted as a mainstream lifestyle in the West until the oppressive overlords figure out how to make money off of it.

Back in my early 20′s, the theatre orgies I participated in were a revelation in how committed couples can explore their sexuality with friends — with their partner participating, watching, or exploring with someone else — and no one ever got jealous.  Ever.  There was no reason to get jealous because the desires and explorations were out in the open, as opposed to “cheating” behind a partner’s back.  Exploring our bodies sexually had nothing to do with the love for a committed partner….  But that’s bohemian artists for you!

I have friends who have been in polyamorous relationships — a man and his female partner with another woman whose male partner was a prude.  His jealousy of her need for the poly relationship put a damper on all four of them.  So, James, embrace your open relationship, and revel in the level of communication you and your partner have because what you have is rare and wonderful!

You also have a voyeuristic side to you, and I’m sure you not only want to hear  about the sex your partner is having with her friend/fling, but you probably wouldn’t mind sitting in the corner and watching, yes?  If you’re turned on by watching your partner flirt, there’s no harm in that as long as both of you have that clear understanding.  Problems arise when one partner wants things for the relationship that the other partner does not.

I would be interested to hear why, at the age of 50, you’re bi-curious  and have never taken the plunge!  Following your desires instead of living vicariously through your woman’s experiences with men might open a whole new world of sexual possibilities for your relationship.  Being with two guys is as much a fantasy for a lot of women as being with two women is a dream for a lot of men.

You are normal.  You are masculine.  You and your partner are doing just fine, in my opinion.  Keep up the wonderful communication between the two of you.  Do let me know how ‘movie night’ went!  Also, leave a comment if you have any more questions — and to tell me you forgive my tough love. :-)

trish

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AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex


Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20′s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years.  In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis.  I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times.  I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this.  I attached a picture just as a reference point.  Thanks!

Sincerely,

N., in Ohio

Dear N.,

Thank you for such a great question!  Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn.  The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.

The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men!  However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.

Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman.  The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions.  Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.

Girth is an entirely different issue.  For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time.  And your woman will have homework as well.

Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up.  If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.

The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva.  The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth.  I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.

The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen.  These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin.  The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube.  Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.

Take time to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.”  Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West.  The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.

Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman.  Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration.  In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening.  (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)

Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own.  Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts.  Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax.  If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight.  For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort.  For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.

This is where lube plays an important role in sex.  Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway.  Friction sex hurts at the best of times.  When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver.  Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.

Your homework:

  • Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
  • Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina.  If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed.  If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
  • Use lots of lube.  Lots!
  • Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
  • Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not  hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
  • Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
  • Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
  • Look at  the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.

The woman’s homework:

  • Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
  • Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
  • Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
  • Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
  • Push out  on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
  • Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
  • Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.

So what if you do all this and sex still hurts?  If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain.  This can be helped with lots  of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together.  It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.

You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner.  So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run.

The important thing is that you  do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner.  Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with.  With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.

I hope this has helped.  Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!

Take care,

trish

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DailyOJ 10-19-12 Part 1: September & Crawling Out of Yin


I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on. And I’m not any closer to understanding what’s happened with my progress, except that what started out as a great upswing in August seems to have already begun the cycle downward.

September was, once again, a month of huge transition for me. On the good side, I gleefully entered Cougar-dom.  But personally, I was going through a lot that I can’t write about in a public manner like this (yet).  Last September, the end of my Karmic Year, heralded the end of an amazing year professionally, personally, and orgasmically, only to turn my bliss upside down with the death of my theatre mentor, my father had to have multiple operations, and my daughter was ill.  I’ve never noticed September to be such a gateway of abrupt change before.  Perhaps because change is already in the air each September with the arrival of Autumn, the end of (most) fears of bad hurricanes, my daughter’s new school year beginning, my birthday, and it is the month before Samhain (the Gaelic turn of the year and honoring of ancestors and those who have died).

With all the focus on my theatre writing career, getting ArousedWoman kicked into gear, my daughter starting high school, and other things that ground me in the mundane, I had felt the loss of that higher vibration that I’d been swimming in since September 2010.  That September, I had just moved out of my miserable marriage, was starting my new gig writing about theatre for a major online site, and began my journey on energy orgasmic awakening.  It was truly wonderful back then.  September 2010 to September 2011 was astounding and life-changing in so many ways.  September 2011 to September 2012 was wonderful, too, as well as trying and frustrating, but ultimately rewarding.

From an orgasmic point of view, my SASO’s (stealth and spontaneous orgasms) had not been so stealth or spontaneous.  The instant nipple-gasms were not so instant.  Granted, I no longer needed my O’s to be stealth — I’m home alone during the day again. But the nipple-gasms now took 30 seconds or so of stimulation to start the orgasm ball rolling — same with my not-so-spontaneous OM-clit orgasms.  Also, my body did not react the same to these orgasms.  My back arched but not as much or as suddenly as when these type of orgasms first began.  Nor were these orgasms fractal as they had been during the summer when I could literally have orgasms for hours just by barely touching my nipples or the upper left side of my clit, or even from the brush of air from the ceiling fan!  Compounding this, the after-O’s were not as strong nor lasted as long.  I was not having deskgasms, leg-gasms, heartgasms, urination-gasms, scalpgasms, or face-gasms.

It’s as if I somehow became unplugged from the multiverse’s orgasm channel.  I’d lost my ticket to the cosmic bliss train.

Is it the end of the world?  No.  Is it the end of my  world?  Quite possibly.  When everything else in my life is crazy and uncertain, having the bliss of my SASO’s was like a calm in the storm.

Now, I know the men reading this just want me to get back to talking about my vagina, or my clit, or anything other than what they probably consider “nagging.”  But as a woman, this mind fuzz is a big part of why women aren’t sexually satisfied.  We worry.  A lot.  The worry keeps us in the mundane when orgasms, particularly the energy-based orgasms, require the psyche and spirit to be free to lift up to a higher vibration, and by leaving the mundane physical behind, the body rises up to the higher vibration and, therefore, to true orgasm, rather than the person settling for climaxes that are limited to the manipulated reflexes of the mundane meat-suit.

In truth, I realized sometime during the summer that my over-allowance of Yin was affecting me adversely in my personal and even professional life.  I will write more on that at a later date, since I’m still crawling out of that experience.  But September 2012 was the lowest of the low points in regard to Yin taking over.  Life circumstances presented me with the choice of wallowing in a more self-destructive version of  Yin or begin the climb out and start fighting again.  At the time, I choose to climb and fight.  I lost the mundane battle, as I thought I would, but at least I fought, and that was a huge milestone for me in my journey toward balance.

Don’t get me wrong.  I had welcomed Yin — I was too extremely Yang in life, career, and sex.  I needed to learn to allow and to receive.  I appreciate the lessons learned from Yin.  However, somewhere between the allowing of Yin, the rising of sexual Chi through Tantra, the awakening of the Kundalini serpent, and the overall self-discovery of spontaneous cosmic bliss, my awareness pendulum had swung too far into the realm of Yin.  I was too much the observer and not the do-er, the receiver not the initiator.

This is crucial to understand because, for me, orgasms are no longer about sex, being sexual, or being physically, sexually satisfied, but rather, orgasm is about plugging into the super-consciousness, living in a higher vibration, and enjoying the lift-off to the Other Side.  Riding that wave is like leaving the body behind for a while and swimming in total awareness of the cosmos, surfing above the clouds in an energy that is almost indescribable.

All of these revelations were important to my growth.  They signify I have more work to do on my self.  This requires patience, acceptance, and time.  And that really sucks.

* Read Part 2 here. *

Aroused and climbing,

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s DailyOJ.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: Is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not?


Copyright 2012 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
It’s been said that every woman fakes orgasms at some point.  Well, I’m here to tell you I never did.  Never.  I never had an orgasm during partnered sex, and I sure wasn’t going to fake it.  I made sure the guy knew I wasn’t seeing god, or cosmic rainbows, or magickal unicorns just because his penis was inside me.  He could deal with his ego later.

Recently, I read a particular, highly recommended book on cunnilingus but had a difficult time finishing it.  The anatomic information was mostly good, but the male  writer’s anecdotes about female  orgasm were peppered with sexist, rude, even misogynist remarks I simply could not overlook.  Having admitted that he was bad at sex and suffered with erectile issues, the author made the egregious comment that screamers and women who throw their heads back are “obvious” orgasm fakers.

I wanted to throw the book across the room, but unfortunately, I was at a restaurant.  (Yes, I read sex books while eating…  lunch.)

Women are complex creatures and are, thusly, capable of complex, varied types of orgasms.  It only makes sense that the body and the face would have different corresponding reactions.  Yes, I said body.  Were you only watching her face?

For a traditional clitoral orgasm, the orgasm is localized to the clit/genital area.  The woman’s torso will most likely crunch forward.  The hips/pelvis will tuck or raise up off the bed.  Her face will similarly be “crunched” into a look she wouldn’t really want to make otherwise: furrowed brow, gritting the teeth, even jutting the jaw forward.  (I could go into my theory on why this is but I would have to bore you with vocal science and the pedagogy of phonation.)

A vaginal/She Spot orgasm tends to be a full-body wave type of orgasm that washes over the body but lacks the explosion of the clitoral orgasm.  The woman’s mouth will be open, the jaw down and back, and she may moan differently because of it.  Her head may tilt backward, and she may even arch her back.  Please note the vagina has numerous spots capable of various kinds of pleasure and responses.

A blended orgasm that stems from both clitoral and vaginal/She Spot simulation is one of the most sought after orgasms because of its full-body wave effect coupled with the clit explosion.  This orgasm can induce both crunching forward and wild hip motions, plus arching backward, head back, and delicious moaning.

Other types of orgasms include nipple O’s, cervical O’s, orgasms of the P-spot, the K-spot, the perineal sponge, urethral/urination orgasms, anal O’s, and anywhere else on the body that she is super sensitive to touch.

Of all the physically-based orgasms, the most intense, for me, personally, is the uterine orgasm.  The uterine orgasm is brought on by stimulation of the cervix and A-Spot, coincidentally stimulating the prostate/She Spot at the same time.  This results in a compulsory doubling over and emotional outburst — a true gut-wrenching thrashing usually accompanied by uncontrollable crying.  Not pretty crying either.  So the face of this orgasm is kind of like a nervous breakdown — a bit unnerving for onlookers but soul-shatteringly amazing to experience.

These signs are for physically-based orgasms that most people can do without much effort.  Use plenty of lube, work the spots, communicate — not very difficult.  However, energy-based orgasms cause the body to twist and contort in ways unimaginable.

Kundalini orgasms are known for inducing a sharp, sudden, involuntary  arching of the back, in both women and men.  While some men consider arching the back to be a “woman’s” type of orgasm, I like to think of this phenomenon as a “human being’s” orgasmic response.  For Kundalini orgasms, the mouth may be wide open, deep moans being heard, while the head is bent so far back, you might think the woman is going into a gymnast’s backbend.  All of this is involuntary.  (And pretty frickin’ incredible!)

So what is the face of a woman who is having real orgasms?   Not something she’d want posted in the church’s Sunday bulletin, that’s for sure.  If the woman can, in any way, be considered to look “pretty,” she’s not having a real orgasm.

If she is crunching forward and her face looks as if she is somewhere between “really pissed off” and “warrior queen about to rip your limbs from your body,” then she’s probably having a real orgasm.  If her head is back, her mouth open, and her brow slightly to fully furrowed, that’s a great sign of a real orgasm as well.  When her arms fly up over her head, don’t be offended!  This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hold on to you.  Especially if her hands wind up behind her head, this is a great  sign of a deep, powerful orgasm.  (If you’ve read my DailyOJ, you know I can vouch for this effect.)

Her eyes may be open during clitoral orgasms, but for most other types of orgasms, her eyes will probably be closed.  For myself, I’ve noticed my eyes shoot open at the onset of blended orgasms but then immediately close again through the rest of the climax/multiple orgasms.  For Kundalini orgasms, my eyes are closed, head is all the way back, hands fly up over my head, and my body rocks-and-rolls side to side while my knees come up, then my legs kick out over and over again.  (Just sayin’.)

Other indicators of real orgasm are legs shaking and toes/feet curling inward, energy zings down the legs, rapid breathing, and even female ejaculation.

You decide:  Which one is faking and which one is real?

Along with the facial contortions or the gaping jaw and arching back, her skin will become flush due to increased blood flow, her nipples may be so perky they’re reaching for the ceiling, and her hips (hell, most of her body) will be moving involuntarily.  For energy orgasms, she will probably be rockin’-and-rollin’ side to side with extra contractions and rolling through her abdominals, not just crunching forward or arching backward as during physical orgasms.

If she can speak in complete sentences, or is constantly reassuring your ego, she might be faking for your benefit.  If her words are incoherent and grabbing at you is her only primal form of communication, then you might be on the right track — to helping her orgasm.

More importantly, don’t be so visual.  This isn’t porn.  This is a real, live woman.  You need to feel  her reactions.  When a woman is close to orgasm, especially if any clitoral stimulation has been done, the clitoral bulbs that form a “horseshoe” over and around the vaginal opening expand with blood flow, just as the penis expands with blood flow during arousal.  This feels like a vice-grip clamping down on your penis.

(Side note:  My asshole ex-husband used to tell me he didn’t like the vice-grip feeling because it made him start to lose his erection… so that’s probably why I never orgasmed with him.)

Remember, guys.  You cannot “make” a woman orgasm.  Orgasm begins and ends in the woman’s mind — not just her brain.  Stimulate her mind first and the body will follow suit.  In fact, the face and body will tell you everything if your sexual relationship is rooted in honest communication.

What does your face look like in orgasm?  Send me a picture, and I just might post it!

trish


DailyOJ 08-17-12, Part 2: Lying Broken in Pieces As I Heal


* Read Part 1 here! *

Glad to have movement and feeling in my back again after the excruciating pain that started a week ago, I was really looking forward to resuming my orgasmic awakening routine.  After all, my big, loud O’s had been on lock-down almost all summer while I gorged on stealth and spontaneous orgasms (now to be known as SASO).  Getting back on the path was a milestone for my 1-year multi-orgasmic anniversary.

The back pain had been a curious development.  Since losing almost 70 pounds from my highest weight, I know all about pain — back pain, hip/sciatica pain, lower back, neck, every joint imaginable pain, lower extremities/pedal edema, crazy hormones, all while being miserable inside as a person as well.

Similarly to my session on 08-08-12, I laid in bed for a while … a long while … as the majority of pain had melted away rather miraculously.  I don’t know why I had started this “tradition” of laying in bed, allowing my mind to wander, absentmindedly caressing myself.  In the summer, this was practically the extent of my sexual activities — with little privacy to pursue much fun, the SASO’s were exceedingly, surprisingly satisfying.  Now able to arch my back, the nipple O’s also made a glorious return.

The stealth clit orgasms were not instant as they usually were, but rather needed a few strokes on the upper left (my left) part of my clit to get going.  The right side of my clit is also very receptive to this touch, and I gratefully accepted the back-arching orgasms from that side as well.  Apparently, with the nipples unresponsive due to pinched nerves in my back, my clit had been less responsive to touch as well — not surprising since the the nipples are wired directly to the clit.

After an incredible length of time that didn’t feel like any time at all, I looked at the  clock.  I wasn’t even sure I had time to get the 20-minute session in much less the after-session fun.  More than an hour had passed.  I decided to begin, starting in my old-school style — with my nipples.  I had worried that starting back with regular practice had diminished my nipple/stealth orgasms in a phase of integration.  This can happen as you sojourn on any energy-based orgasm journey.  A big breakthrough explodes then fades — or integrates — as new experiences rise to the surface.  However, I think the issues this past week with the SASO’s were due to the back pain/heart chakra blockage.

I did the 20 minutes, moving to my clit and prostate for the last 10 minutes.  It all felt wonderful, and I was so glad to be able to move my hips again.  I was cutting it close to time, and with only an hour left of free time, I decided not to go for the full treatment but rather just lay in bed.  I took mental notes of all the energy zings all over my skin, the pulsating inside my vagina, the swelling of my prostate (!), the pulsating throbbing of my PC muscles, my anus, and the continuing circles and figure-8′s of my hips that I was not doing intentionally.

After a half hour of this, the “after-O’s” pulsed more slowly as they began to simmer to the background — notice I didn’t have a “big” O, and yet I still had the after-O’s!  Oddly fulfilled and thankfully not hurting, I got dressed, made up my bed, and walked (slowly) back to my desk.

It occurred to me later that lying in the bed before any stimulation or session caress or sounds had been an important aspect of my orgasmic awakening.  If you remember, I shared this article from another site on the concept of “lying broken.”  That being “broken” is one of those glass half-full situations.  You can see yourself as a shambles of what you were, or you can recognize that the pieces are now truly yours  to put back how you  want to be renewed.

This, then, was another eye-opener for me.  Though this experience happened on Friday, 08-17-12, and the Todd Akin “legitimate rape” debacle occurred over the weekend, remembering the “lying broken” article became a welcome glimpse of hindsight.  My heart chakra probably was triggered by my return to practice because it was my return to working on me.  For the past several months, I have been going through what I call the “Dark Side of Yin,” a chronic lethargy as old wounds churn at the core of me.  Not being alone during the summer, I had no real time or space to meditate or focus on myself in a self-healing capacity.  I also think some of the Kundalini awakening contributed to my turning inward so significantly — the coiled serpent that began her rise from slumber at my root chakra is making her way through my energy centers, and it appears my heart chakra was the wheel that needed to be cleansed this past week.

My work is not over for my heart chakra, but I do believe I have made great strides toward reassembling the pieces of my broken self into the newly forming me — as a whole woman.  And how fitting that this is occurring as I am about to turn 40.  I am still putting the bad experiences behind me, but more than ever I know that the pieces are mine to assemble as I see fit.  If I don’t like what I see forming, I will go back to lying broken until I once again have a clear vision of my self as a whole human being.  And unlike my afternoon schedule, I can take my time.  That’s why I’m here on this plane anyway.

Aroused and broken but healing,

trish

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DailyOJ 08-17-12, Part 1: Twitter War Triggers Blocked Chakra Energy


I’m writing this a few days after the fact for a couple of reasons:

1 – The events of this day were very powerful to me on an orgasmic and a human level.  I needed time to process them.

2 – The GOP had to go all stupid (again), and the entire weekend was dealing with the idiocy of rape culture.

So back at the drawing board here… my headspace has been so filled with the memory of my rape and reading readers comments, telling me about their rapes, that Friday seems blurry… like it  was 18 years ago and the rape was last week… or yesterday…

But the events of Friday were important so I will detail them, though perhaps not as elegantly as usual.

Friday morning began with getting my daughter on the school bus, after which I caught the local bus to the grocery store.  While shopping in the produce section, a small Twitter war began in which I was being ridiculed for being from Mississippi — as usual, and also as usual, made to be at fault for all of Mississippi’s past ill history.  Of course, I stood up for my state — my point being that Mississippi has a flawed past as do most states in this country.  (What?  New York was a slave state?!  Yes.  Quelle surprise! )  The New England states just like to think they’re perfect.  They’re not.

The perception of Mississippi will never change because the media and American culture like having someone at whom to point the accusatory finger, to blame for all the bad things in the U.S., which conveniently keeps them from looking in the mirror and fixing their own  problems.  The news never reports the good things that happen here — just the bad… unless that bad thing is Hurricane Katrina — that the media reported hit New Orleans — it didn’t.  The northeastern eyewall went over my house in Gulfport, MS, while we were inside, and I’ve got the coordinates to prove it!

As you can see, a lifetime of Post Traumatic Stress came up with that one stupid Twitter altercation, that ironically was with friends, but I was the butt of all the jokes and the lone voice for what is good and nice about Mississippi.  This hurt greatly that the ridicule came from friends because the incident triggered deeper hurts that I have held on to since childhood.

Being from Mississippi, I am not good enough.  For anything.

In dealing with the Broadway world for my day job and my radio show, I always dreaded being offered press seats that I would have to turn down because I don’t live in New York.  Invariably, they would ask me where I live (because how can a person cover Broadway and not  be in New York?!  (From working very, very, VERY  hard!).  I dreaded giving the answer, but always said with a smile on my face and a lilt in my voice: “On the beautiful Mississippi Gulf Coast.”

Silence.  Shock on the other end…  “Well, you don’t sound like you’re from  Mississippi!”…  “Oh, really?  And how do Mississippians sound?”  (Like TV and Hollywood stereotypes!)…  “Well, um…”…  Then I feel obligated to explain my mother was a literature professor and my father was a physics teacher turned physicist for the government, to somehow prove Mississippians aren’t stupid.  In fact, when I bought my new smartphone last year, I got a Manhattan number so at least when I ring the press agents, it just saves time not having to explain my area code… except that after three years, they know me now.

Having to defend myself just as an intelligent, well-read, educated, erudite ActivistArtist(TM) on a daily basis just gets old.  It’s exhausting.  And I realized it’s something I’ve been doing since I was a kid.  Trying to prove my worth as a human being regardless of one thing or another — the color of my skin, my freckles, my religious choices as a Pagan/Witch, being bisexual, having a child out of wedlock in a Red State, dealing with being molested as a kid, thinking I was doomed to Hell thanks to Catholic brainwashing, dealing with being raped as an adult and not reporting it for fear of public ridicule, losing my identity as a person and an artist thanks to my asshole marriage, regrouping with my musical work that was stalled because of the destruction of Hurricane Katrina, dealing with the bad economy, the BP Oil Spill, then becoming a single mom in an affluent artists’ hamlet.  I’m just tired.

So Friday, after a week of horrendous back pain which began after I started back with KSMO, I got home, sat down at my desk, and had a really good, gut-wrenching cry.  Not a pretty, dabbing-the-eyes cry.  No, this was full-out, cathartic wailing.

The crying brought me to my source of the pain — the fear that I am not good enough to be loved by anyone.  That if someone did love me, I have no idea why he would.  The irony is that I know I’m kinda fabulous in many ways.  I’ve got the bustline and the music fellowship grants to prove it.  But deep down… deeeeeeeeeeep down, I still have issues…. being told I was ugly as a kid, being told I was fat, that I should kill myself, that I’m going to Hell — for numerous reasons, then actually being fat as an adult, losing my sense of self and place in this world, hearing my asshole ex-husband’s ridicule of my singing voice and my original music plus his hurtful words regarding my body if I got breast reduction surgery, complaining that I got too wet during sex, that I shouldn’t do anything during sex because he would get insecure.

At times, it just feels like I’ve spent 39 years of doing nothing right.

Within an hour of this little emotional breakdown, I noticed my back was loosening up.  The pain, I then realized, was in a place in my back that I don’t normally get back pain.  Usually, the knots are along my bra straps horizontally across my ribs and vertically in both shoulder blade areas.  This pain was in the center, at the spine, directly behind my heart.  I jokingly thought that maybe the crying had knocked something loose.  Then I thought about that again.  The excruciating pain I had had for a week was literally almost gone.  The pain that was left was not the pain of clenched muscles contracting nerves (anymore), it was more like sore muscles, exhausted from clenching and spasming for the past week.  I could move through those vertebrae again — and I had not been able to do that all week!  The immobility through my back had prevented most kinds of orgasm — the stealth, Kundalini O’s make my back arch so there was no way to do that as I was accustomed… the few times I had stealth O’d, I literally tucked my pelvis so my back wouldn’t try to arch — not nearly as much fun.  The nipple orgasms were completely nonexistent because the nipple’s nerves stem straight off the spinal cord in that exact area of my pain — the area of my physical heart and my esoteric/Tantric heart chakra.

Looking at the time, I figured I’d better get on with my session for the day.  With the weekend coming up and the prospect of my period starting Monday-ish, I knew vaginal O’s would be another week away if I didn’t get this sh’O on the road…  Now that my back could arch, I wanted orgasms!!!!

* Read Part 2 here! *

Aroused and unblocking,

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s DailyOJ.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


Comments 08-19-12: “Another Amazing Orgasm” Thanks to ‘ArousedWoman’ Blog


With all the hullabaloo over stupid men being … well… stupid… (*see this post and this post… and well, maybe this post, too*).  I am thankfully reminded that not all penised persons are cads and misogynists.

After a long day battling for vagina rights on the Twitterwebz, an ArousedWoman reader sent me a lovely comment about his own orgasmic awakening thanks to reading some of my posts — my “Allowing and Receiving” post, specifically.

I’m not taking credit for his orgasm success (okay, well, I’d love to!), but really it’s about him shedding some of the patriarchal bullshit and cultural stereotypes of sex and orgasm.  Divesting himself of aiming for a pre-determined goal has opened up his body and his mind to new realizations in arousal and the orgasmic response(s).

Okay, so I’m totally interjecting my perspective on his experience, but here is what he first wrote in about experiencing a soulgasm(!!!), and below is what he said today.

I love ending the night on a good note.

trish


MyTweets & Comments 08-15-12: My Dream Home


Spending time pondering the meaning of it all, I returned to a little activity I like to do to think positively about the future.  I open up my drawing program and finesse the design of my ultimate dream home.

Today, I did a complete re-design… actually, I designed the little cottage I’ve always wanted to have in addition to the big house that would be more for entertaining.  Except now I’m not wanting the big house as much — just the cottage.

What was my thought process?  See below.  :D

trish


Comments 08-10-12: Reasons to Read ‘Aroused Woman’


Not all the tweeting is serious.  On Twitter, I’m as openly sex-positive and frankly honest about sex and female genitalia as I am about tweeting my bleeding heart, progressive stance on human rights.

From OM to KSMO to my personal experiences I recount in my DailyOJ, AW is gaining more readers and more Twitter followers every single day.  Readers are writing in to tell me how reading this blog has helped them, and even men have reported new kinds of orgasms because they implemented some of my advice.

Below are a few examples of how Aroused  Woman is making awesome changes in people’s sex lives and relationships.  And I am so very honored to be a part of it.

Enjoy!

trish

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DailyOJ 05-26-12, Part 2: Cycles, Dreams, & Cosmic Bliss


* Read Part 1 here. *

On the plus side, I wasn’t comparing it to anything else.  Maybe because I’m female or because I was using a small caress, but what I’m experiencing is not how I perceive what others (men) have experienced.  I’m just exploring it as it is.

I’ve also noticed that my dreams have been synchronistic with my goals and metaphorical dreams.  My REM-sleep dreams have been particularly… mine… and about my future.  I feel my shamanic dreams are coming back.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve needed a lot less sleep lately.  When I go to bed, I’m not really tired.  When I wake up, I don’t have a sluggish feeling or just having awakened feeling.  It’s as if it’s one continuous circle/cycle rather than an awake — go through the day — end of day — sleep — dream — wake up — lather, rinse, repeat… A natural life flow, as Jack called it.

And as I was explaining to a friend on Twitter earlier, it’s like I’m swimming in this flow of higher vibrational energy.  I don’t have to “get” aroused because I’m already there.  If I want an orgasm, I turn the ceiling fan on.   Or just think the word “orgasm.”  BAM!  A big, full-body O hits wherever I am — spontaneous orgasm combustion while trying to work.  Walking down the street has been difficult(!).  It’s cool to be able to just think an orgasm — not think about a long scene to get in the mood — just think it, and SHAZAM!  There it is… there they are.  It’s really awesome.

Jack hinted that I can now actively, purposely spin the energy into something bigger.  My orgasms of late have had the feeling of being expansive, or being bigger than me, but being from me and in every part of me — not just the genitals.

Recently, I have found myself sometimes taking the observer/watcher mode during arousal and even during the orgasms… wondering (even fretting) about what I look like during orgasm, what I sound like… I can’t prepare for it.  When the first O hits, there is no warning… it’s just THERE!

But I don’t want to get into the trap of playing mind games.  Mind noise / mind games are societal, cultural, even religious bullshit, in my opinion.  To help get me out of my head, Jack suggested I think of my self and my orgasms as “here” rather than from “there” (from a specific part of my anatomy) or as if I’m going “there.”  This reminded me of a popular modern witch bumper sticker: “We are everywhere.”  We — witches: wise women — are indeed everywhere.  And in my current experiences with my expansive, cosmic orgasms, I am even more sure that I am plugged in to true universal connectedness.

This brought up a memory of reading the definition of Woman in OSHO’s Tantra teachings — Woman as everywhere but formless until she joins with Man.  I didn’t like it the first time I read it because of the implication of Woman getting her identity from man, but I’m understanding it more… (I still don’t “like” it.)

I have noticed that since I’m more aware of pronoun usage in my writing — saying my clitoris instead of the clitoris, my breasts, my prostate, loving her instead of it, has helped me integrate me and my parts into a whole that is ME.  Going inside myself has opened me up to the everything that is everywhere… a very amazing feeling…. not overwhelming (yet).

Jack then threw out some more words o’ wisdom saying, “Your orgasm doesn’t come from man, they come from within you, and from Cosmos, Goddess (add all you like here who inspire…) through you.”

And THAT brought it all home for me.  THAT is exactly what these orgasms have been like — happening THROUGH me!  Similar to my awake/sleep cycle and my constant higher vibrational state/access to orgasms, these orgasms feel as if they are already there, already happening, I just decided to turn the switch on and enjoy a few — or a few hours of them.  There isn’t a manual process of “start stimulation — raise arousal — have orgasm — end.”  I’m already in the energy.  I live there.  It’s ready whenever I decide to jump into the stream of conscious-orgasmness.  I’m just turning in, tuning in.

I’m so very grateful that I’ve received these experiences that I wasn’t expecting.  It really brings home the importance and the usefulness of the non-attachment / no expectation mindset/approach.

Jack agreed, saying, “The BIGGEST stuff often tends to come through when you’re not expecting it (consciously)… because that’s when all of your alter-consciousness inner allies have a chance to whisper their teachings to you!”

And this is so very true, of course.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my future.  Seems I’m at another fork in the road.  I’ve also been thinking about a lot of possibilities for my future with a partner.  But all of that in due time.  I’m taking these experiences one orgasm at a time, one self-truth at a time, one chunk of enlightenment at a time.  It’s really all I can process right now.

Bliss is an energy, and it can be accessed without a partner or even without any physical stimulation at all — as I’ve learned IN SPADES this week.  The “wheel” /cycle continues on… And at least, I can’t get pregnant from a ceiling fan.

Aroused, streaming, and dreaming,

trish

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“Aroused Woman” is Changing the World


Or so it seems… :)

Today was a great day for getting the word out about women’s rights and women’s sexuality (and I didn’t even have to write about my hours of orgasms this morning to instigate it! HA!). Below are just a few of the tweets and comments from AW readers & my Tweet peeps in the past 24 hours.

From the Twitterverse, where you can find me @TrishCausey:

Maria a.k.a. @BarrelOfOranges, an anti-circumcision intactivist and super awesome won’t-take-shit kinda woman (must be Irish :)…) wrote:

“Activists changing the world…” and included me the group.

I cannot tell you how awesome that makes me feel. As activists, we don’t always see the fruits of our labor on a daily basis — we can work for years just to change one law. But this was wonderful. Thank you, Maria!

I got #FF’s (Follow Friday) from some great peeps including @NatlWOW. And I’m loving the chats with @COsB52bomb, @FeminaziStud, @Caitlin2156, and the loud-mouth @TheXClass, to name a few.

One of my former voice students and fellow activists, @PerryMJones, wrote:

“I love Twitter mostly bc of the controversy @TrishCausey knows how to stir! Keep it up, girl! :) #arousedwoman

… bestowing upon AW our first hashtag: #arousedwoman. Awesome! Let’s use it up and wear it out!!!

After I tweeted: “I lose 3+ followers w/ every breast/clit post I write. But gained a few w/ anti-circ,” my vagina-rights’ buddy @HumanChoices wrote me:

“I’m not sure what the hell is wrong with those fickle tweeters, but SOMETHING certainly is. You rock! :-)”

Jerry, a.k.a., @JBucknoff, who first told me about Lauren Odes being fired for being too busty, wrote me today:

“Saw the new post. This was mostly in the local (NY City) news so it came to my attention. Now ABC news & you R making it global.”

Thank you, my lovely tweeps!

And an AW reader emailed me with this today:

“… just putting into practice some basic principles I gathered from reading about the way men think women enjoy sex and the way they actually enjoy it, my girlfriend said “Who are you?” after making love to her one day. That made me feel great because I knew I succeeded in treating her just how she wanted to be treated and in the way I hope to always treat her from now on.”

YES! YES!! HELL FUCKING YES!!! 

That is what we want to see and hear!!!  We LOVE men!  We don’t hate men!!  And this kind of gentle metamorphosis in perspective and approaching sex/making love is EXACTLY why I started this!  OMG! I could orgasm right now …. wait… I think I did. :P

I’ve also been toying with the idea of having an online forum so that we can all learn from each other. Here’s a demo with some faux posts in the Main Forum — it doesn’t look all spiffy right now. But I’ve used this system on another site, and it’s an incredible learning tool as well as for sharing info about our fave topics, such as women’s rights, women’s bodies, and women’s sexuality… and the extended rights issues such as ending male circumcision, changing the soci-cultural perception of body image, promoting women-friendly erotica, etc. I can’t afford the Forum right now, so if anyone wants to donate some pennies, use the PayPal button to the right. Would be greatly appreciated!

All in all, a FABULOUS day!

May the Vagina be with you!

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s Daily O.J.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


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