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AskTrish: Woman Asks If Uncomfortable Feeling When Boyfriend Touches Clit is Normal


Woman's Hand on YoniHi, trish,

I was wondering, what is it supposed to feel like when somebody touches your clit?  I have heard it’s supposed to bring a good feeling but not in my case.  When my boyfriend touches my clit, I get a really intense kinda uncomfortable feeling.   It doesn’t feel bad or hurt but it definitely doesn’t feel good either.  And it’s not something I look forward to.   My bf always wants to touch it but even if I let him, I stop him after a couple secs cuz it feels intense and uncomfortable.  Is this normal?

Anon

Hey, Anon!

So much to address here!

Let me assure you that pain or discomfort is never “normal” for any kind of sex ever.  No kind of sex (vaginal or anal) or touch or penetration should EVER be painful.  EVER.  (Okay, that wasn’t exactly your question, but I just want to reiterate that for the readers.)  What is “normal” touch sensation for you will be different for someone else, so my “normal” will be different from yours.  My “normal” now that I’m extremely in touch with my body will be very different from the “normal” that is “normal” for a female just starting to explore her body.  So without knowing your age (18+), your sexual experience, any previous trauma, how you touch yourself, and how he specifically touches you, there’s no way I can guess what would be “normal” for you.  But I can say that not-quite-pain, not-quite-pleasure feeling is common at first.  So let’s look at this bit by bit.

Vulva - Erect Clit ExposedThe external clitoris is literally the tip of the iceberg!  Most of the clitoris is inside the body, with several inches of innervated erectile tissue that expands and zings with sensation during arousal.  Those inches of erectile tissue that men have hanging outside their body, a.k.a. the penis, is synonymous with the inches of erectile tissue women have; ours is just inside us.

The tip of the clit, that little nub we can see, is technically called the glans, just like the tip of the penis is called the glans.  The tip of the clit is usually protected by the clitoral hood, which is synonymous with the penile foreskin.  With around 8,000 nerve endings, the clitoral glans is VERY sensitive to touch.  In fact, if you can see the tip, the clit is actually in the non-erect state; but that doesn’t mean she’s not enjoying herself — she probably is!  Nearing climax, the clit will seem to “disappear” into the fleshy folds of the vulva; but she’s not retreating from touch, she’s actually getting a full erection on!  This is usually when “vigorous” touch can be exquisite.

DailyOJ 01-20-12: The Clit Discussed Further

Female Anatomy: Clitoris Frontal ViewThe clitoral body can be stimulated externally by (gently) pressing on the mons pubis area or internally via various fingering and stroking techniques inside the vagina.  (Reminder:  the female prostate is on the anterior wall of the vagina and is a different anatomical structure.)  When a woman is nearing climax, there is often a “vice grip” clench at the opening of the vagina; these are the clitoris’ vestibular bulbs near the entrance.  The clit is actually quite extensive and complex, comprised of 18 distinct parts.  Your clit is MUCH MORE than just the nub on the outside!

But let’s remember, those are 8,000 plugged-in nerve endings.  Touching them before they are ready to receive pleasure input can feel awkward or even painful.  Since you sound like a young adult, I’m going to assume your boyfriend is the overly eager type who just wants to start pawing at your body (perhaps because that’s what he’s seen in porn, or he may be new to all this as well).  This is NEVER okay.  The man NEVER touches you anywhere unless YOU are ready to be touched.  You’ll know when your clit is begging to be touched, and if he doesn’t touch you properly or is clumsy, you have the right to tell him how to touch you.  It sounds like you are willing to stand up for yourself, and that is great!  You have complete autonomy over your body.

Here’s were I have to interject yet another consequence of circumcision.  If your man is circumcised, he may be accustomed to needing “rough” stimulation due to keratinization (callousing of skin) on his penis glans.  If your man is not circumcised, explain to him that touching your clit with little or no prior arousal is like someone yanking his foreskin back and going straight for the underside of his penis glans.  This can be very uncomfortable for the intact man!  No one likes too much sensation too soon, which is what it sounds like you’re experiencing from your boyfriend.

Nude Couple Embracing Passionately in PeachKeep in mind, there is a reason the female needs to be fully aroused before going for the clit or the vagina.  From a Tantra perspective, the woman and the man have positive and negative poles, like on a magnet.  For the woman, the positive pole is the heart chakra, home to her heart and her breasts, with the negative pole being the genitals.  For the man, the positive pole is his root/sex chakra, home to his penis and testicles, with the negative pole being his heart chakra.  Biologically, the woman needs 15 to 30 minutes of dedicated arousal, or as I like to call it — puja (worship :-) ) to prepare the vagina for sex.  The same way a singer has to warm up before performing, think of this time as necessary preparation — fun, delicious preparation for continued, evolving, expanding, rapturous ecstasy.   Therefore, this time allows the woman’s body, especially the genitals, to become ready to receive touch and penetration and pleasure.  It’s no coincidence that focus on the woman’s heart chakra would be key.  Not only does it stimulate the woman emotionally, but a woman’s nipples are wired directly to her clit.  Breast puja = a turned on, horny clit.  Any man who doesn’t want to commit 15 minutes of breast/sensual touch puja isn’t worth your time.

This 15 minute warm-up doesn’t have to be solely focused on the breasts.  Any sensual touch and massage will awaken the subtle body.  This includes kissing, nibbling, caressing, talking, laughing.  Once the woman is ready for more direct touch, the woman can allow the man to begin with touch and kisses on the insides of her thighs, the outer labia, the mons pubis — basically, loving all the way around the clit until you are ready for more.  As you become more experienced and more familiar with your body’s responses, you may not need this much time.  In fact, when you are able to stay in an aroused state — recognize that orgasm is an energy field you can slip into any time you want, you may not need much prep touching at all.  Just thinking of your man will send your spine arching back into orgasm and your clit throbbing for touch!  (In time, you’ll learn how to control this response when you’re in public, like shopping at the grocery story or the library. :-D )

Keep in mind, physical climax is different from energy orgasms.  Men often confuse ejaculation (climax) with orgasm.  These are two separate functions: ejaculation is a physical reflex of the sympathetic nervous system, while orgasm is a response via the parasympathetic nervous system.  Since men need less time to get aroused and ready for penetration, they tend to focus on the end, rather than enjoying the journey.  (Another horrible legacy of standard porn, too.)  Just like for the woman, this arousal time is also a time of breathing and relaxing for the man.  When your mind and/or body is stressed, pleasure can be elusive.  Take your time to get warmed up and totally invested in your body’s journey to pleasure.  There is plenty of time to get hot and heavy — once you’re BOTH aroused to the point of a crazed fuck-for-all.

Note:  This initial phase of arousal is usually called “foreplay”, a term I despise since it places the importance of the sexual experience on “sex” which is usually defined by the penetration, i.e., when the penis enters the vagina.  This devalues the woman and the woman’s biological needs of arousal in order to accept a penis (or toy) without pain.  So I do not use the term foreplay.  Puja is my personal preference.  Puja, the idea of honoring the person and their body, also puts respect back into the sensual, sexual experience, in my opinion.

You should know, Anon, that it takes time to get to know your clit and the rest of your sexual anatomy.  And you should spend a lot of time with her — just you and her.  This way you get to know how she likes to be touched, without the pressure of a panting, horny Lothario rushing you and making you feel uncomfortable or not “normal”.  Masturbation is a beautiful way to honor yourself (self-puja) and learn about yourself and your body.  Through masturbation, she won’t feel so foreign to you, and you will begin to integrate her into your body and your overall sexual being-ness.

After you are more familiar with your body, show your boyfriend how you like to be touched.  Masturbate in front of him, but he can’t help you — he needs to watch and learn.  (He can help later on.)  More often than not, a lighter, gentler touch is needed at first.  In fact, once your body is awakened, you might even have labia-gasms and sheet-gasms.  Hard touch is usually ONLY desired at the absolute height of passion and usually NEVER at the beginning of a love-making session.  When your clit is really ready, you’ll know because you’ll start looking for things to hump.  If you start eyeing the arm of the sofa with lust, that’s usually a good sign your clit needs some determined lovin’.

Recap of what we covered:

1 – Learn your clit’s likes and dislikes via masturbation; then when you’re ready, it’s show-and-tell time to teach your man.

2 – Female and male sexual anatomy are synonymous, for the most part.  Some things are similar to both the woman and the man, so teaching the man about the woman’s anatomy will help him understand how your body responds.

3 – Prior arousal is required for pleasure.  As you become more experienced, you may not need as much prep-time, but for now, insist on at least 15 minutes of sensual touch on other parts of your body to get your clit primed for touch.

4 – To learn various touch techniques for the clit, look through some of the videos and info here where the clit rules and men are glad to offer puja to a woman’s body (or willingly lie back and let the woman drive the orgasm train).

Feel free to leave a comment, especially if you want to offer more info so we can be more specific.

Thanks so much for trusting me with your clit. :-)

trish


Review: “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” – A How-To Video for Women to Enjoy Giving Head


Oral Sex for Her Video Training FellatioI recently saw the initial release of a new how-to video series, “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”.  I would have assumed that such a women-centric company like OneTaste would have created a cunnilingus how-to, but they have done the unexpected by creating a video that explains how a woman can receive pleasure from giving a man fellatio.  I can heartily recommend this video to any man or woman who wants to learn a little more about how women can truly enjoy giving oral sex.

Now, this is certainly not news to me — I orgasm just thinking about giving a man head.  Spontaneous orgasms just hit.  I love the feel of my mouth being full with a man’s penis.  The taste, the smell, the texture.  I absolutely love it.  And the truth is, when a woman gives great head, she owns the man.  Seriously.

Whenever I give a man oral sex, I always tell him emphatically, “Lay back.  This is for me.  If you enjoy it, that’s a side benefit.”  I have always loved giving fellatio, or as I call it lingam puja (penis worship).  Even in the midst of a miserable marriage, I still loved giving oral sex.  I figured out that giving him a blow job once per week meant he didn’t complain about bills.  And while I loathe the term “blow job”, that time of my life is the only time oral sex felt like a job — a chore, and yet I still loved the act of fellatio itself, even though I detested the man attached to the penis.

The concept behind the “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” video and corresponding training materials hinges on the fact that women can indeed enjoy giving men oral sex.  If she doesn’t want to do oral sex or has a negative perspective due to bad experiences, then she might want to see how much pleasure she can have from it.  The first step in a woman receiving pleasure while giving head is realizing that the woman has to want to give head.

Now, before you cry, “That’s male bullshit!”, I understand if you haven’t always (or ever) enjoyed oral sex.  Cultural and religious demonization of sexuality, women, women’s bodies, and women’s sexual pleasure have brainwashed society for over 1,700 years, since the rise of imperial patriarchal religion crushed the remaining woman-centic goddess cultures.  Women have absorbed this anti-sex and anti-pleasure propaganda, compounded by bullying about how women smell “down there”, and the ludicrous farce of how women are portrayed in most porn.  Erotica is woman-centric and respectful of women.  And we are a new generation of women who love ourselves and love sexuality without shame or apology!

Some things you will LOVE about this how-to video:

  • It’s only $8.
  • The woman is not a size 2.
  • Her breasts are real.
  • The man is UNcircumcised!!!  Yes, a real, natural, intact penis!!!  Woo-hoo!!!

In fact, she almost apologizes that, at the beginning, his penis is soft.  So allow me to say for once and for-fucking-all — the SOFT penis is a marvelous thing!  In Tantra, we have several nifty positions and activities for the soft penis, including soft entry penetration (yes, the man enters the vagina with a soft penis) and lingam massage, which is best done with a soft penis to help direct energy flow up into the torso, arms, and legs, rather than out the tip of the penis (helps with ejac control, too).  So starting an oral session with a soft penis is fantastic because you get to experience how his body feels as the penis changes in size and hardness.  (You control him.)

Back to the video….  She talks about her experience in learning to love oral sex.  She also tells the good, bad, and ugly of what intense oral sex does for the woman, including the “furrowed brow” which is a tale-tell sign a woman is in orgasm, the deep-throating technique, as well as the steady stream of “snot” from her nose and the “spot” in the woman’s mouth that triggers orgasms throughout her body.  Yes, you will absolutely see the “snot” running out of her nose.  Yes, you see her crying several times from the intensity of the orgasms.  I’ve written plenty of times here about how the more gut-wrenching my crying is directly equates to the intensity of my orgasm(s).  Crying is an integral part of my orgasmic experience, so it’s great to hear other women talking about this topic as well.

As for the “snot”, I would like to clarify that she is not referring to the thick, gross “snot” of a sinus infection, but rather the normal sinus muscosa you have draining down the back of your throat 24/7.  This mucosa is a necessary moisturizing lubricant for the back of the pharynx (very back of the mouth, top of the throat).  In fact, when you don’t have this normal nasal drip, you may experience a dry cough or have clogged sinuses.  So this mucosa is what she has dripping from her nose — but that’s okay!  Vaginal fluids are also a type of mucosa (derived from the plasma from the blood in the vaginal walls’ muscular tissue), and men LOVE lapping it up!  So let the snot run!  After all, when your mouth is full of penis, the only way the snot can go is out your nose (or your ear, but that would take a miracle of physics).

Another thing you’re likely to notice in her technique is that she is actually quite still — remember me talking about slow sex?  In Tantra, there is a technique of motionless sex — yes, motionless!  The oral technique as shown in the video will help any woman out there who’s gotten whiplash bobbing her head up and down while giving a blow job.  (Again, most porn is ridiculous).  If you want to learn some groovy info and techniques, watch this how-to.

I can definitely recommend this affordable $8 video that can introduce you to the amazing world of women’s pleasure as instructed in “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”.  I give my full approval of the information in this video and all the products they have.  THEY LOVE WOMEN!  And when you’ve seen it, come back here, and leave a comment telling me what YOU think of the video!

trish


Anatomy: Male Prostate ~ the Male G-Spot


Male Prostate ~ from Wikipedia commons

Male Prostate ~ from Wikipedia commons

The male prostate is a gland about the size of a walnut located in the male anus.

The prostate creates prostatic fluid that mixes with sperm from the testicles to form ejaculate.  Once aroused, the male prostate has a texture like that of a walnut, similar to how the female prostate takes on a ridged feeling when aroused.  Moving your finger back and forth (i.e., wagging your finger, or like a windshield wiper), you should feel the two lobes of the prostate — the gland is bisected by the urethra running through the middle of the prostate, just as the urethra runs through the middle of the prostate in women.

The prostate can be accessed indirectly, from the outside at the “sweet spot” on the perineum, or directly, inside by using a finger or sex toy in the anus.  Experimenting with your prostate does not make a man gay.  In fact, anal play, prostate massage, and prostate milking can be a very delicious part of a heterosexual couple’s lovemaking, especially in the form of slow sex and sacred sex.

In Tantra, the male prostate is considered the male “Sacred Spot,” just as the “G-spot,” aka the Goddess Spot or Sacred Spot in women is located in the female prostate in the vagina.

Also in Tantra, the male prostate is considered to be the emotional center for a man in regard to his genitals.  More than a few men, who have allowed a partner to do prostate milking on them, claim the prostate orgasm is the strongest, most intense, most emotionally moving orgasm they have ever experienced.

Many men who do prostate massage on a regular basis cannot fathom going back to their old orgasms.  Common testimonials for these men also include the prostate orgasm is a “soulgasm,” and opens their hearts to their partners in ways they could never imagine before.

As with any anal play, safety precautions should always be followed to prevent the transference of fecal bacteria from the anal area to other body areas.

Condoms should be used on any sex toy that is inserted, and fitted latex gloves or finger cots can be used on the fingers to avoid having to wash your hands before fingering yourself elsewhere or fingering/touching your partner, as well as to avoid getting bacteria in a cut on the fingers.

Use lots of lubricant and massage the external anal sphincter completely to warm up and stretch the skin before trying to enter the anus.  Silicone lube seems to work best and last the longest, but it is notoriously difficult to clean up afterward.  Also, silicone lube will degrade the latex of condoms, so use only water-based lubricant or natural, unscented massage oil if using latex condoms.

The prostate can be a delicate gland.  Direct stimulation should be slow and gentle at first to see what kind of pressure you like.  If there is any pain, STOP.  If there is any blood in your ejaculate or urine, see your healthcare professional.

PLEASE LEAVE A REPLY with your questions or detailing YOUR experiences (men and women).

trish

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AskTrish: Stop Ejaculating and Have Multiple Orgasms Already


Chakra-aura-orgasm-energy-systemA little something different from the usual AskTrish post

While posting pics on my ArousedWoman Tumblr page, I came across a post on another Tumblr page in which a querent (I’m assuming male) asked:  “when i masturbate and i hit orgasm once i cant have another one why not ? am i doing something wrong ?”  The moderator responded: “no, not everyone is capable of multiple orgasms, that’s just the way it is…”

That is absolutely NOT TRUE — not even for men!

Ejaculating is a reflex, but it is a controllable reflex of the sympathetic nervous system.  Semen is ejected due to contractions by the bulbospongiosus muscle.  On a subtle body/spirit level, ejaculate is comprised of life force energy, and it takes an inordinate about of physical energy to produce and expel ejaculate from the body — hence the reason a guy is usually exhausted and needs a nap afterward.  Ejac expends energy, causing fatigue for the man.

In women, stimulating the clit, which is synonymous to the penis, gives a localized burst of tension release at the clitoris, but any kind of vaginal orgasm (prostate/She Spot, cervical/uterine, AFE, PFE, even perineal sponge) creates full-body waves of bliss that flow and flow and flow, like waves that repeatedly crash against a shore.  The clitoris is wired to the spinal cord via the pudendal nerve, but the vagina’s main nerve is the vagus nerve which bypasses the spinal cord and plugs directly into the brain.

Knowing how the body works physiologically helps in integrating the subtle energy body with the physical body, which leads to orgasms that literally blow your mind and everything you thought you knew about your body or orgasm.  Conjuring orgasm via an energy-based practice with the help of a little anatomy know-how creates orgasm experiences that feel like Big Bang explosions in your core and your head — not localized to just the genitals.

Orgasm is a response of the parasympathetic  nervous system.  Orgasm increases energy.  Many people use climaxing for muscle tension release before bed so they can get sleepy.  However, orgasm in an energy practice gives and expands energy.  From the Greek word, orgasmos, orgasm literally means “to swell.”  Orgasm is NOT the end of a sexual experience but one amazing part of the journey.  The end isn’t even “climax” but bliss, altered states of consciousness (no drugs needed!), awareness, and connection to self, your partner (if applicable), and the Universe.

ALL woman AND men are capable of multiple orgasms — FOR HOURS, days, weeks!  Live your whole life in an orgasmic state of energy bliss… Why not?!

People need to STOP the myths and lies about what is possible in orgasm.  ‘Cause I guaran-damn-tee MOST people have never experienced even an inkling of what orgasm can be.  They grew up jerking off to skin mags and probably learned most of what they know about sex from watching the fakery of porn and memorizing the stupidity of magazine sex quizzes while standing in line at the store.

They should stop giving advice and read my fucking blog already!

trish

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Comments 08-19-12: “Another Amazing Orgasm” Thanks to ‘ArousedWoman’ Blog


With all the hullabaloo over stupid men being … well… stupid… (*see this post and this post… and well, maybe this post, too*).  I am thankfully reminded that not all penised persons are cads and misogynists.

After a long day battling for vagina rights on the Twitterwebz, an ArousedWoman reader sent me a lovely comment about his own orgasmic awakening thanks to reading some of my posts — my “Allowing and Receiving” post, specifically.

I’m not taking credit for his orgasm success (okay, well, I’d love to!), but really it’s about him shedding some of the patriarchal bullshit and cultural stereotypes of sex and orgasm.  Divesting himself of aiming for a pre-determined goal has opened up his body and his mind to new realizations in arousal and the orgasmic response(s).

Okay, so I’m totally interjecting my perspective on his experience, but here is what he first wrote in about experiencing a soulgasm(!!!), and below is what he said today.

I love ending the night on a good note.

trish


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