Tantra is comprised of two words which mean instrument and expansion, so Tantra is a tool by which you can expand your understanding of the universe, both macrocosmically and microcosmically. On the macrocosmic level, you can endeavor to find the meaning of it all, how you fit in with the universe, why you are here, or why any of this physical experience exists. On the microcosmic scale, Tantra can be your daily grounding in being the best person you can be, expanding your heart to show compassion for others, and being an example to others of how to live in harmony with Nature and honor the Feminine.
In practical terms, making New Year’s resolutions both align with and are in opposition to Tantra. You might want to set out goals for the year, perhaps employing lessons you learned from the previous year. Yet, a Tantrika knows the most important moment is this one. Now. Not last year. Not later this year. Now. Be mindful of this moment. With no attachment. Goalless. No competition. No self-loathing. No comparison to how you looked 20 years ago. How you want to look in six months. No guilt for how you failed on previous goals. No iron-will determination set forth to finally accomplish a lapsed milestone. No trying to change another person so they will love you as you wish they loved you.
Resolutions can be futile because few people can live their lives within the boundaries of absolutes. Making resolutions ahead of time means trying to live your life in a resolute, determined manner. You’re thinking in the future, trying to avoid your past. This is hardly “being in the moment” or being open to experiences or needed lessons. Instead of making individual resolutions, make an overall path to follow for the year by setting out to pursue an idea of learning, growing, experiencing, and allowing yourself the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.
Rather than making a resolution to lose weight or make more money, set forth a path of being a healthier person, being a better person, or just being happier. I, for one, think most overweight people are overweight because of other issues, not food. Food is the drug of choice to numb pain or feed stress, but it is still just the coping mechanism. Beneath the layers of blubber are other issues to be addressed and resolved. Be resolute in solving the mental, emotional, and psychological reasons for eating unhealthily first, then address the addiction of the habitual eating.
Dealing with the impetus of stress and unhappiness is always difficult, but even here, do not attach yourself to the problem or the stress itself. Remove yourself from the immediacy of the issue, step back, and determine how you can make the situation different so you can be happy and healthy and prosperous. If you can’t, perhaps it’s time to move on. No crash diet or extreme workout regimen will offer long-term results. Getting to the root of unhappiness will forge a path of moving on and starting anew.
You are not your mistakes.
Your best resolution is to be a good, compassionate human being. All choices will expand outward from that perspective in the moment, each and every moment, perfectly.
Happy New Year and Merry Resolutionlessness,
I was wondering, what is it supposed to feel like when somebody touches your clit? I have heard it’s supposed to bring a good feeling but not in my case. When my boyfriend touches my clit, I get a really intense kinda uncomfortable feeling. It doesn’t feel bad or hurt but it definitely doesn’t feel good either. And it’s not something I look forward to. My bf always wants to touch it but even if I let him, I stop him after a couple secs cuz it feels intense and uncomfortable. Is this normal?
So much to address here!
Let me assure you that pain or discomfort is never “normal” for any kind of sex ever. No kind of sex (vaginal or anal) or touch or penetration should EVER be painful. EVER. (Okay, that wasn’t exactly your question, but I just want to reiterate that for the readers.) What is “normal” touch sensation for you will be different for someone else, so my “normal” will be different from yours. My “normal” now that I’m extremely in touch with my body will be very different from the “normal” that is “normal” for a female just starting to explore her body. So without knowing your age (18+), your sexual experience, any previous trauma, how you touch yourself, and how he specifically touches you, there’s no way I can guess what would be “normal” for you. But I can say that not-quite-pain, not-quite-pleasure feeling is common at first. So let’s look at this bit by bit.
The external clitoris is literally the tip of the iceberg! Most of the clitoris is inside the body, with several inches of innervated erectile tissue that expands and zings with sensation during arousal. Those inches of erectile tissue that men have hanging outside their body, a.k.a. the penis, is synonymous with the inches of erectile tissue women have; ours is just inside us.
The tip of the clit, that little nub we can see, is technically called the glans, just like the tip of the penis is called the glans. The tip of the clit is usually protected by the clitoral hood, which is synonymous with the penile foreskin. With around 8,000 nerve endings, the clitoral glans is VERY sensitive to touch. In fact, if you can see the tip, the clit is actually in the non-erect state; but that doesn’t mean she’s not enjoying herself — she probably is! Nearing climax, the clit will seem to “disappear” into the fleshy folds of the vulva; but she’s not retreating from touch, she’s actually getting a full erection on! This is usually when “vigorous” touch can be exquisite.
The clitoral body can be stimulated externally by (gently) pressing on the mons pubis area or internally via various fingering and stroking techniques inside the vagina. (Reminder: the female prostate is on the anterior wall of the vagina and is a different anatomical structure.) When a woman is nearing climax, there is often a “vice grip” clench at the opening of the vagina; these are the clitoris’ vestibular bulbs near the entrance. The clit is actually quite extensive and complex, comprised of 18 distinct parts. Your clit is MUCH MORE than just the nub on the outside!
But let’s remember, those are 8,000 plugged-in nerve endings. Touching them before they are ready to receive pleasure input can feel awkward or even painful. Since you sound like a young adult, I’m going to assume your boyfriend is the overly eager type who just wants to start pawing at your body (perhaps because that’s what he’s seen in porn, or he may be new to all this as well). This is NEVER okay. The man NEVER touches you anywhere unless YOU are ready to be touched. You’ll know when your clit is begging to be touched, and if he doesn’t touch you properly or is clumsy, you have the right to tell him how to touch you. It sounds like you are willing to stand up for yourself, and that is great! You have complete autonomy over your body.
Here’s were I have to interject yet another consequence of circumcision. If your man is circumcised, he may be accustomed to needing “rough” stimulation due to keratinization (callousing of skin) on his penis glans. If your man is not circumcised, explain to him that touching your clit with little or no prior arousal is like someone yanking his foreskin back and going straight for the underside of his penis glans. This can be very uncomfortable for the intact man! No one likes too much sensation too soon, which is what it sounds like you’re experiencing from your boyfriend.
Keep in mind, there is a reason the female needs to be fully aroused before going for the clit or the vagina. From a Tantra perspective, the woman and the man have positive and negative poles, like on a magnet. For the woman, the positive pole is the heart chakra, home to her heart and her breasts, with the negative pole being the genitals. For the man, the positive pole is his root/sex chakra, home to his penis and testicles, with the negative pole being his heart chakra. Biologically, the woman needs 15 to 30 minutes of dedicated arousal, or as I like to call it — puja (worship :-) ) to prepare the vagina for sex. The same way a singer has to warm up before performing, think of this time as necessary preparation — fun, delicious preparation for continued, evolving, expanding, rapturous ecstasy. Therefore, this time allows the woman’s body, especially the genitals, to become ready to receive touch and penetration and pleasure. It’s no coincidence that focus on the woman’s heart chakra would be key. Not only does it stimulate the woman emotionally, but a woman’s nipples are wired directly to her clit. Breast puja = a turned on, horny clit. Any man who doesn’t want to commit 15 minutes of breast/sensual touch puja isn’t worth your time.
This 15 minute warm-up doesn’t have to be solely focused on the breasts. Any sensual touch and massage will awaken the subtle body. This includes kissing, nibbling, caressing, talking, laughing. Once the woman is ready for more direct touch, the woman can allow the man to begin with touch and kisses on the insides of her thighs, the outer labia, the mons pubis — basically, loving all the way around the clit until you are ready for more. As you become more experienced and more familiar with your body’s responses, you may not need this much time. In fact, when you are able to stay in an aroused state — recognize that orgasm is an energy field you can slip into any time you want, you may not need much prep touching at all. Just thinking of your man will send your spine arching back into orgasm and your clit throbbing for touch! (In time, you’ll learn how to control this response when you’re in public, like shopping at the grocery story or the library. :-D )
Keep in mind, physical climax is different from energy orgasms. Men often confuse ejaculation (climax) with orgasm. These are two separate functions: ejaculation is a physical reflex of the sympathetic nervous system, while orgasm is a response via the parasympathetic nervous system. Since men need less time to get aroused and ready for penetration, they tend to focus on the end, rather than enjoying the journey. (Another horrible legacy of standard porn, too.) Just like for the woman, this arousal time is also a time of breathing and relaxing for the man. When your mind and/or body is stressed, pleasure can be elusive. Take your time to get warmed up and totally invested in your body’s journey to pleasure. There is plenty of time to get hot and heavy — once you’re BOTH aroused to the point of a crazed fuck-for-all.
Note: This initial phase of arousal is usually called “foreplay”, a term I despise since it places the importance of the sexual experience on “sex” which is usually defined by the penetration, i.e., when the penis enters the vagina. This devalues the woman and the woman’s biological needs of arousal in order to accept a penis (or toy) without pain. So I do not use the term foreplay. Puja is my personal preference. Puja, the idea of honoring the person and their body, also puts respect back into the sensual, sexual experience, in my opinion.
You should know, Anon, that it takes time to get to know your clit and the rest of your sexual anatomy. And you should spend a lot of time with her — just you and her. This way you get to know how she likes to be touched, without the pressure of a panting, horny Lothario rushing you and making you feel uncomfortable or not “normal”. Masturbation is a beautiful way to honor yourself (self-puja) and learn about yourself and your body. Through masturbation, she won’t feel so foreign to you, and you will begin to integrate her into your body and your overall sexual being-ness.
After you are more familiar with your body, show your boyfriend how you like to be touched. Masturbate in front of him, but he can’t help you — he needs to watch and learn. (He can help later on.) More often than not, a lighter, gentler touch is needed at first. In fact, once your body is awakened, you might even have labia-gasms and sheet-gasms. Hard touch is usually ONLY desired at the absolute height of passion and usually NEVER at the beginning of a love-making session. When your clit is really ready, you’ll know because you’ll start looking for things to hump. If you start eyeing the arm of the sofa with lust, that’s usually a good sign your clit needs some determined lovin’.
Recap of what we covered:
1 – Learn your clit’s likes and dislikes via masturbation; then when you’re ready, it’s show-and-tell time to teach your man.
2 – Female and male sexual anatomy are synonymous, for the most part. Some things are similar to both the woman and the man, so teaching the man about the woman’s anatomy will help him understand how your body responds.
3 – Prior arousal is required for pleasure. As you become more experienced, you may not need as much prep-time, but for now, insist on at least 15 minutes of sensual touch on other parts of your body to get your clit primed for touch.
4 – To learn various touch techniques for the clit, look through some of the videos and info here where the clit rules and men are glad to offer puja to a woman’s body (or willingly lie back and let the woman drive the orgasm train).
Feel free to leave a comment, especially if you want to offer more info so we can be more specific.
Thanks so much for trusting me with your clit. :-)
Yesterday, I had a wonderful session, typical of a weekend morning — feeling lazy, lounging in bed thinking blissful thoughts, enjoying stealth orgasms. But amidst the laissez-faire “art of nothing,” I decided to get out my glass toy (because I was home alone), and this led to a fantastically multiple delight that finished in an emotional release that rivaled any uterine orgasm.
Today, I set aside time for my session — again, I’m home alone, which means I really wanted to use the big guy. I never have a particular goal in mind, except to have the experience without too much pre-planning or judgment of what happens.
Every session has 3 to 5 parts (or rounds) to it. I usually begin with a meditation/sensual massage, then perhaps my orgasm training (11 to 22 minutes), then hands-on blended climax orgasm, wait a few minutes then bring myself to a climax orgasm with my glass toy, then wait 5 to 15 minutes to use the big guy to a glorious climatic finish that leaves me breathless from the beauty and intensity of the orgasms and crying from the overwhelming emotion that radiates through me, releasing my energy in a gush from me to the universe.
That is my usual schedule. Sometimes, I don’t do sensual massage before my orgasm training session, and sometimes, I’ll not do the hands-on, or I’ll start hands-on and switch to glass. And there is the occasion that I don’t go for the big guy — sometimes, I’m just exhausted by that point or my arm is just too tired to wield that sucker.
Today was just weird. My prostate re-awakening that had begun again has lasted longer than any other time she’s done this, except I’ve noticed a decline in my prostate’s pulsating with the stress of the past week and no urination orgasms in the past couple days. The awakening even lasted through my period, which it has never done before, so I was really anticipating these feelings in my prostate being a daily thing from now on…. I secretly hope she really kicks back in within the next day or two.
Lying in bed this afternoon, I didn’t do the massage, but my breasts really needed attention. I spent several minutes sucking my nipples and having back-arching nipple orgasms. I felt between my labia, as I often do after a nipple or soft-touch clit orgasms, to check for sudden fluid at my vagina’s opening. Sure enough, I was coated with vaginal fluid, the super thick, super slick fluid. I had the sudden thought to get the big guy and just see if I can put him in. This was a challenge I’d wondered for a while — do I really need all those prep rounds before I use the big guy (who is 2 inches wide), and even more importantly, can I get wet enough to use this cyberskin toy with no lube? Normally, I always use lube — cyberskin just isn’t the same as real skin. Now, I had an opportunity to take this challenge. And I did.
I got the tip inside and waited for it to sting as it always does. Except it didn’t this time. For a while, I’ve had a theory that the reason it always stings as the tip enters my vagina is because of my aroused prostate — the sensation is always a stinging sensation as the toy’s tip and corona slide against my prostate. I assumed this is because, by the time I use the big guy, I’ve had several climax orgasms, and my prostate is in super arousal — which is why I always wait 5 to 10 minutes, sometimes even 30 minutes between my glass toy climax and grabbing the big guy — to give my prostate time to relax. I’m still very aroused and enjoying the after-orgasms, but my prostate does seem to go down in size a little bit, making entry with the big toy slightly easier. If I don’t wait that 10 minutes or so, using the big toy is very painful, and I feel like I’m being split in two — in a very bad, painful way. I wonder if I just have a small vagina… my labia are small, too…. but then, so are my ears, and that doesn’t effect my orgasms…. so whatever…. I digress….
After sliding him in and out several times, I felt my vagina clench him, and I knew that was a good sign. Though I noticed, I didn’t feel much in the rest of my body. Focusing on what I was feeling and not judge it or analyze it at the time is incredibly difficult, especially when trying something new, and even more especially when the results are less spectacular than what you were hoping. And that is what happened. In fact, I thought back to my previous sexual partners, and this is exactly what I felt — or didn’t feel — nothing beyond the genitals. Today, I felt nothing like what I’m now accustomed to experiencing: full-body waves, uncontrollable moaning/hollering, legs shaking and flailing wildly, head thrown back — my orgasms are amazingly fantastic and such a full-body workout that I don’t go to the gym (though society would say I need to lose weight). But this, today, was so disappointing — just like my previous sex partners…. I did climax, and it was nice…. As I’ve said before, the worst orgasm I have nowadays is infinitely better than the best orgasm I ever had before my sexual awakening. And since I’ve never orgasmed with a partner, even this lackluster experience was better than the sex I had with my ex or others.
As I lay there, afterward, I waited for the emotion to hit. It didn’t. I waited for the waves of heat and fuzzy glow to fill my torso and heart. Never happened. I waited for the energy to shoot down my arms and legs. Nope. Nada. I felt nothing, just like after sex with my previous partners. The climax had been localized to my genitals. This was horrible! I was confused, and I was pissed off. I used my big toy! He always brings on emotional uterine orgasms! I KNOW he was hitting my A-spot and cervix — what the FUCK?!!
I lay there, regretting the experiment because it seemed to cement for me something that I’d long wondered. I really do need the prep rounds to have the ecstatic climaxes that truly rock my world. The problem with this? What if I need these prep rounds with a partner to have my oneness-with-the-universe orgasms? What if I need all this prep every time — men get annoyed with “foreplay” as it is, what man will want to go through bringing me to climax a couple times before he can even come inside? Guess this means quickies are out of the question. I’m almost dreading having a partner again. Ugh….
On a final note, I did notice a sudden hit of arousal about 30 minutes after the big toy debacle. Suddenly, the after-orgasms really kicked in, I felt energy in my legs, and warmth in my torso. It was as if my body thought the climax with the big toy was just the beginning and was now ready for the next round — after all, my body is used to going 3 to 5 rounds every time. This also proved, yet again, just how important my prostate has become in my sexual journey. Women who only stimulate their external clit and ignore their prostate — what the hell?! GET IN YOUR VAGINA, WOMEN!!! Love your prostate!!
I always set aside about 3 hours for these sessions, and I love them. Now I see I really do need a certain routine in order to have the orgasms and climaxes I’m accustomed to having. My next partner will just have to deal with it or move on.
Aroused and learning more each day,
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Tonight on ArousedWoman Radio with Trish Causey, Intact America’s leading voice, Georganne Chapin, stops by to discuss the medical and ethical reasons against routine infant circumcision (RIC).
Non-consensual circumcision is a violation of a child’s basic human right to body autonomy. However, religion and culture have made circumcision so common in some countries, the right of the child is not even considered or respected. Female genital mutilation is illegal in most countries because it is barbaric, yet male circumcision is still allowed and even touted as a prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.
Circumcision of boys removes the foreskin, the natural protective layer of skin on the penis glans, of the naturally intact penis, severing 15,000 to 20,000 nerves. For the adult male, this translates to losing about 15 square inches of skin and losing sensation in the penis tip due to keratinization.
Dangers of circumcision include the following:
- Death of the child
- Painful and/or prolonged healing
- Subsequent surgeries to repair initial botched circumcision
- Damage to child neurologically, emotionally, as well as psychologically
- Erectile dysfunction as an adult
We will also cover the financial aspect of circumcision and why some doctors, hospitals, and labs profit from RIC as well as the cosmetic companies that use cells from severed foreskins in their cosmetic products.
If you are a man who has suffered from the effects of circumcision or a parent who regrets circumcising your child, PLEASE call in and have your voice heard!
Tune in at 9:00 p.m. ET and call in with questions or comments! For U.S. residents, call (347) 884-8792. International listeners can call in via Skype, just click the Skype icon by the phone number on the tonight’s LIVE show page. All listeners can post in the online chat room on the LIVE show page.
- OpEd: ‘Male Circumcision Is No Biggie’
- Anatomy: #TeamUncut Intact Natural Penis Collage for #ForeskinFriday (21+ NSFW)
- Sex with Uncircumcised Men
- OpEd: The Activist’s Guide to Putting Aside Our Differences to Fight for Our Differences
- NEWS: ACLU Chapter in California Seems to Bully Anti-Circumcision Intactivists
I can think of no better place to begin discussing Mind, Body, and Spirit topics than with breathing. Considering that the act of breathing is something most of us take for granted, the role of breathwork and mindful breathing can be truly transformative to your mind, your body, and your spirit.
The process of breathing is a complex coordinated effort that involves the whole torso, not just the lungs. If you follow a yogic or body awareness path, then breathing can be a full-body sport. As a voice teacher, I start all my students on ujjayi breathing, the belly breathing technique from yoga, before we sing any scales or attempt any songs. The student must begin to incorporate ujjayi breathing into their everyday life and subsequently into their singing. Phonation (sound production) is based on airflow. While vocal science research has shown that the vocal folds are responsible for controlling airflow across the vocal folds when we speak or sing, breathing is a coordinated dance of the abdominal muscles, the thoracic and pelvic diaphragms, as well as the internal and external intercostal muscles of the ribcage (to say nothing of the bronchi and alveoli inside the lungs responsible for the gas exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide).
Deep, calm breathing has many relaxing and healthful benefits mentally and somatically.
When we are under stress, nervous, or anxious, the body releases stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. An adrenal response evolved from the human body’s early days, adrenaline is great if you’re chasing a mammoth or running from a saber-tooth tiger. It’s not so great if you’re about to go on stage to recite your lines or enter a restaurant on a first date. Adrenaline floods the brain, sort of shutting down the frontal lobes, which are responsible for things like language. (Another reason being nervous before an audition or a date can leave you stumbling for words like a blithering idiot.) With the frontal cortex on coffee break, the primal brain takes over and straddles the fence in fight-or-flight mode. Deep, slow breathing can counter all of this, calming the mind and allowing the stress to be manageable so you can deal with it like a rational human and not a caveman. Breathwork allows you to focus on the task at hand or ease your pesky thoughts away if you’re trying to meditate.
Try sitting alone, with all noisy electronic devices turned OFF, and just breath deeply for 10 or 15 minutes.
Breathing is the action by which we replenish that chemical that is pertinent to our existence: oxygen. Breathing high in the chest — upper chest breathing — is a style of breathing in early English and French singing, but it is not recommended for any singing, speaking, or breathwork, in my opinion, because upper chest breathing also triggers the release of adrenaline. Breathe low in the belly, breathing down into the pelvic diaphragm. In voice, this style of breathing is called appoggio, but it is basically ujjayi breathing. I’ve been known to have students lie on the floor or sit against the wall in chair pose to feel the expansion of the back while breathing and singing. While on the floor, I have them place their binder or sheet music on their stomach so they can see when the book rises and falls and learn to associate that feeling with proper, deep abdominal expansion and contraction. A mirror is crucial to see the ribs moving outward away from the torso.
When we focus on breathing, we tend to focus on our body and our alignment, taking an inventory of how we’re doing physically. Tantra and Kundalini paths use different breathing exercises like kapala bhati and bhastrika that really, really work the body — these are powerful breath practices that require guidance from a teacher, especially if you’re engaging the body by applying “locks” at certain chakras. And in case you’re wondering, oxygen feeds orgasms!
A basic Sun Salutation is a great way to combine deep breath and body work to get the blood and oxygen flowing.
The word spirit comes from the Latin spiritus meaning “soul, vigor, breath,” derived from the word spirare which means “to breathe,” the root of both of these being spir. When we are born, the first thing we do once the umbilical cord is cut is breathe — we take in breath, we are in-spir-ed, or inspired. The last thing we do before we shake off this mortal coil is to exhale our last breath — ex-spire, or expire. In between that first inspiration and our final expiration, we take in and release breath repeatedly, or as we call it re-spir-ation, the act of respiration.
It is no coincidence to me that the lungs are located right there at the heart chakra. Whenever we are touched emotionally — in a good way or unpleasant way, we tend to either gasp, inhale quickly, or exhale in sadness or disbelief. I feel our emotions and breath are connected. Mindful breathing helps us stay rooted, grounded to the earth, when circumstances leave our mind — or our heart — reeling. Deep breathing can also lower blood pressure and slow a racing pulse.
Breathwork is absolutely fundamental to being healthy. The art of being inspired repeatedly throughout our life is as simple as breathing. When we’re overwhelmed, overly excited, can’t focus, or can’t think, deep breathing can help keep us centered and better prepared to relax into our task at hand or meditation session.
Here’s a consult I did tonight over Twitter — yes, Twitter. See! Consults are conveniently arranged via phone, Skype, or even Twitter. Sure, you can ask me a question for an AskTrish post, but it can take a while (read: months) to get an answer posted due to the number of questions I receive. To schedule a consult — especially if your question is time-sensitive, just contact me via the Consult page on my website.
NOTE: I know this client, so some info on his background, health, etc., were not covered in this Consult. In this Transcript, Twitter typos have been fixed. Permission to use was granted by the client, who is represented by Q (Querier).
Q: I have had sex with 2 women in the past 3 months. I have had problems before but moved past it. The first few times I sleep with a woman, I can’t climax, and I have a hard time staying erect. I can’t focus, and all I think about is if she is enjoying it and I just totally suck. LOL
T: You’re putting too much pressure on yourself!
Q: It has been that way since I first had sex.
T: There are tell-tale signs a woman is enjoying sex that you can look for. Read my post on “The Face of Orgasm.”
Q: I feel that way and think about her because I have a hard time staying hard. It just stays semi and like floppy, it’s bigger so it’s harder to control when not hard.
T: You need to read my blog more often. Seriously. Orgasm is NOT the same as ejaculation. You can orgasm for hours and never even get an erection. Read my rant on “Have Multiple Orgasms Already!”
A “floppy” penis is actually normal for a larger penis. Even getting hard, a larger penis may not stand at full attention and has nothing to do with your arousal level. If you’re getting anxious, that triggers adrenaline, which affects the brain, breathing, and triggers the fight-or-flight reflex, as well as releases stress hormones like cortisol.
Q: Yeah, that’s how I feel, I’m nervous the first few times. I don’t enjoy sex and can’t come close to climax. After the first 3 or 4 times, I’m good.
T: What changes by the 3rd or 4th time that you can actually enjoy sex?
Q: I think I finally get comfortable, get used to her feel, her movements, I guess.
T: How does she react those first few times? Does she say or do something that makes you feel less “manly” or just inadequate? Or does she go out of her way (or maybe overboard) to boost your ego?
Q: I have never asked. Some women don’t come back. Those that stick around like it. I just feel embarrassed, and it gets worse each time.
T: Are you drinking alcohol? On any meds, legal or otherwise?
Q: There have been times when this has happened that I had been drinking and it happened. Most times, sober.
T: Alcohol is a social norm, but terrible for sexual response! But even sober, you’ve had enough bad experience with this that you’re talking yourself into being anxious even if you’re not realizing it. Sex with a person the first time is always a little nerve-wracking. And if a woman doesn’t understand that, she’s not for you anyway.
Have you told the women up front that you’re nervous? That you focus on the woman so much you sometimes don’t climax, and that’s okay with you? As in, you are focused on HER, and not yourself. That you just want to be with her?
Q: I never have said anything.
T: Ah… Communication is paramount. This is why one-night stands and at-the-bar hook-ups can be difficult for some people. They don’t feel comfortable talking about such things. You have to talk to the woman.
I also think you should begin some yoga or meditation exercise that helps you with stress and anxiety. You don’t need alcohol or meds to help with this, IMHO. Learn to control your breathing, which actually affects your brain, hormone response, and nervousness.
Q: How do I go about starting the anxiety control?
T: Contact a yoga or meditation teacher in your area. You want to find someone who is experienced in yoga (hatha, ashtanga, tantra, kundalini) — some tradition that is REAL yoga, not New Age… especially if you seek a Tantra teacher — you need a REAL Tantra teacher, not a New Age one. The purpose of the breathing meditations is so you get into your body to control the reactions you’re having to stress…
Q: I see, I never thought of that. I will do that! So how do I go about being intimate the first time?
T: Dude, you’re jumping ahead here! You’re not ready to have sex yet.
Q: LOL I see that!
T: Of course, I teach this as well. :-) But you need a teacher that you can learn from w/o having sexual attraction to — like a man… (Not that you’re attracted to me, that’s not what I’m saying! Just that a male teacher might be better for you.)
Q: Like shadow a man you mean?
T: Learning from a male teacher will have a different energy than if you’re studying with a female (since you’re straight, the opposite would be true if you were a gay man). Since you’re doing this with the idea of great sex being the benefit, learning from a woman might trigger some of that stress.
Q: So what would I learn from him?
T: For starters, a man who’s mastered breathing and stress control would be better able to teach you how to control a penis, from the man’s perspective.
Q: Wouldn’t triggering the stress help me learn to deal with it?
Q: Well, can you help me. Even from a distance, I imagine you can.
T: If you want the male teacher, I can recommend one. And you could tell him about the sexual side of things, whereas you might feel weird talking about this with the average yoga teacher you don’t know, or talking about this with a man you’re afraid will mock you. Finding a teacher you feel completely safe with is crucial.
Q: There is a reason I came to you with this problem!! Okay, you are the master. Thank you.
T: You’re welcome. :-)
I’ve been married for almost 15 years. Before I got married, I used to have orgasms without a problem during intercourse, and I was very active and sexual woman. Now, AFTER 15 years, we have sex like every three or four months and worse, without orgasms… well, once a year if I’m really lucky. I only get an orgasm while watching porn and masturbating myself — so, I’m not anorgasmic — but it doesn’t happen while having sex with him. Even when I’m aroused and really try to have an orgasm mental and physically, it just doesn’t happen. I talked to him, but it’s not enough.
I LOOOVEEEE sex, I like sex, and even for a while I resigned myself to abstinence. Well, I suppose that I am the problem, but I cannot find the solution. I want to enjoy sex, and literally shout out myself for pleasure and orgasm during intercourse but well… here I am asking for help. Love my husband and I wish I could surrender myself into his arms and enjoy and cry out for pleasure. Any thoughts?
Right off the bat, I see at least three major things that need to be addressed, and hear me when I say, YOU are NOT the sole issue that needs help here. It takes two to tango, and in a relationship, each partner is 100% responsible for participating in their 50% of the partnership.
The word relationship does not mean “suffer in silence,” as you seem to be doing — I know that’s how I felt in my miserable 15-year marriage with orgasmless sex. (At least you like your guy!) A relationship is supposed to be two (or more) people actively relating to each other. I don’t see much relating at all here. But let’s begin this conversation with you…
You didn’t tell me your age, so for round numbers, let’s say you’re 40 years old and got married at 25. In your early 20’s then, you were a vibrant, happy, sexual, naturally orgasmic woman. Fast forward 15 years, you’re experiencing issues with orgasm with a husband who is uninterested in “fixing” a relationship he apparently doesn’t view as being problematic.
From a physical standpoint, the body completely regenerates every cell in the body within about three years. So you are literally not the same person you were then — your body has completely re-created itself 5 times since then. Now, at “40,” your hormone levels are different, your blood chemistry is different, and this isn’t even considering if you take prescription medication on a regular basis that can upset your body’s chemical balance, or have unhealthy nutrition habits, too much alcohol or caffeine intake, etc.
My first recommendation to you is to get your bloodwork done and see what your hormone levels are — do you make enough testosterone? Testosterone is required for women’s sexuality, believe it or not. When we’re younger, we have plenty of it (without seeming masculine), but as we get older, women’s testosterone levels drop significantly. This can be made worse if you have been taking products that give you extra estrogen, such as birth control, or eating unfermented soy products like soy milk, soy yogurt, or ingesting too many foods made with soy. Also get your thyroid levels checked as the thyroid regulates hormone production in the body.
The second area I would address if I were you is the porn. Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch beautiful, sensual erotica myself, but as with any item we start to “rely” on for orgasm, porn may now be a “crutch” for you. I gave up vibrators when I could no longer have an orgasm without them — I literally had no feeling in my clit or labia, and I wasn’t even using a vibrator that often. It took six months to be able to feel any sensation in my clit. You may have gotten to the point where you’ve unconsciously talked yourself into reaching climax “only” when watching porn, so the orgasm is less about your sexual happiness and connection to your self and more about a psychosomatic reflex — “muscle memory” triggered by watching porn, if you will.
Go porn-less for a few months and get back in touch with your body. Your body was naturally orgasmic. Allow the muscles and nerves and your autonomic nervous system to re-learn what came so easily back then — awaken that “muscle” memory! This will take time and will likely be very frustrating. I invite you to read through my DailyOJ if you want a friend-in-frustration because I certainly understand. I would recommend my “Allowing and Receiving post” any time you really feel the pull to give up the bodywork and go back to the porn. Again, I’m not saying you should never watch erotica again, just take a break for a little while. Or watch some erotica or scroll through my Tumblr to get the juices flowing, then turn it off when you start masturbating. Relax into your body, focusing on your body’s wants and needs, not what you think your body “should” want or how it “should” act/react. Read my post on “Lying Broken in Pieces As I Heal” to see this process from a different perspective.
The third issue here is the infrequency of the sexual relationship with your husband. I am wondering, “What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to make love to a woman just starting her sexual prime? What’s going on in his work? His life outside the relationship — with him as a man? What stresses does he experience with his job, deadlines, co-workers? Does he have any addictions (food, caffeine, alcohol, other) that could be affecting him? Does he have health issues that are affecting his emotions, blood circulation, sexual drive, and even his mental/psychological state? Does he experience erectile dysfunction? Is he not making enough testosterone at this point in his life?” Yes, men make less testosterone as they get older as well.
As a man in his 40’s, let’s say, he may have been brought up in the last generation of boys who were taught to solve problems for themselves, don’t ask for help — that’s a sign of “weakness,” men have to have all the answers, be the leaders. Men are still suffering from the strong-silent-type John Wayne persona they were forced to emulate all the while being fed the Renaissance Man/Prince stereotype who is supposed to sweep a woman off her feet, romance her endlessly, and the relationship bliss and passion just happen all the time by magic — as women have been brainwashed into believing thanks to “princess” animated movies, romance novels, and daytime soaps.
Orgasms can seem easy enough if you find the right sex position. But the want has to really be there as well as a healthy mind and a healthy body. It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to bridge the divide here. Sex 4 times a year is not a true relating-ship, in my opinion, especially since you have tried to talk with him and he has not been receptive to communication. There are deeper issues going on with him that he may not feel comfortable sharing… yet.
Getting back to you, though, I hope you’re not expecting him to “give” you orgasms or “make” you cum. You are 100% responsible for your own orgasms during sex — or even solo. I see you understand that orgasm is a mental process first for a woman. After all the disappointment you’ve faced with this, your mental outlook may verge on the pessimistic side. You have work to do, for sure, and you need to work on yourself and your self first.
Okay… I lied… there’s a fourth thing I want you to consider…
In this post on orgasms, I explain there are different types of orgasms: the physical reflex and the energetic response. You can frig off for hours and never orgasm, much less climax. Or you can rewire the body to the point where you just think the word “orgasm,” and you’re off into the La-La Land of Bliss. Get back to your body, and rewire from the parasympathetic nervous system outward. And remember, I’m working on an orgasm training method that teaches this very thing, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter.
I know, I know… Other peolpe are going to suggest you do all the work here — add the “romance” back in, wear some lingerie, light candles, cook him a nice dinner, give him a massage to loosen him up to get him in the mood. This is all superficial bullshit. Your relationship needs true communication re-building, and that begins with honest dialogue, not pretending the problems away.
To begin this journey of healing, begin with yourself. To heal the relationship, you MUST sit him down, either just the two of you or with a counselor. You cannot save the sex or the relationship by yourself.
I most heartfully wish you well in this. And for more in-depth personalized advice, I also do consults via phone or Skype.
Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20’s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years. In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis. I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times. I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this. I attached a picture just as a reference point. Thanks!
N., in Ohio
Thank you for such a great question! Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn. The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.
The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men! However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.
Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman. The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions. Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.
Girth is an entirely different issue. For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time. And your woman will have homework as well.
Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up. If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.
The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva. The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth. I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.
The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen. These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin. The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube. Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.
Take time to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.” Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West. The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.
Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman. Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration. In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening. (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)
Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own. Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts. Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax. If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight. For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort. For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.
This is where lube plays an important role in sex. Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway. Friction sex hurts at the best of times. When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver. Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.
- Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
- Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina. If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed. If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
- Use lots of lube. Lots!
- Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
- Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
- Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
- Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
- Look at the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.
The woman’s homework:
- Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
- Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
- Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
- Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
- Push out on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
- Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
- Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.
So what if you do all this and sex still hurts? If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain. This can be helped with lots of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together. It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.
You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner. So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run.
The important thing is that you do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner. Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with. With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.
I hope this has helped. Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!
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Hey Trish @LibertarianJhon here, I recently came out to my girlfriend about me being bisexual and ever since then she has felt this pang of jealousy. She feels that now she not only has to compete with other women for my attention, but other men as well. I keep telling her I’m interested in only her but my voice seems to be falling on deaf ears. I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know what to say anymore. Was hoping you could help me help her understand that she’s the only I want.
This is an excellent question! Many people are now acknowledging their sexual identity as bisexual — as opposed to being hetero or gay/lesbian. Trying to make sense of being attracted to both genders can raise a number of issues for the individual, their partner, and even their friends.
As someone who is also bisexual, I can attest that being open about your bisexuality is not easy. Straight friends may feel more comfortable that you’re not “gay gay” but still not understand how you can be attracted to both genders. Your gay friends may accuse you of not being willing to “commit” to being “actually” gay — as if you’re trying to play both sides: one for society and one for how you really feel. Ultimately, it does not matter what anyone else thinks about your bisexuality as long as you are happy and comfortable in your own skin.
Self-identifying as bisexual and acting on your desires can be two different things. You can be attracted to men and never have a relationship with a man, but still identify as bi. Or as I once heard bisexuality explained, choosing between being with a man or a woman is like choosing between a redhead or a brunette — it’s just what you want at that moment. Each person finds what is right for him or her, both in identity and in practice.
As for your girlfriend, she seems very insecure, and from your phrasing, I can only assume she was jealous and insecure before you dropped the bisexual bombshell. Because I know some of your background already, I know that you are 24 and the two of you are in a long-distance relationship (that is important info, by the way). Being apart can conjure all sorts of insecurities. Now her mind is wandering with even more visions of infidelity in her head. She probably spends most of her time worrying that you’re cheating on her with the entire population, not just the female half, and you probably spend most of your communications with her reassuring her that you’re faithful. That is a one-sided relationship that is all about what she wants and making her happy, meanwhile you are miserable and feel helpless.
The unfortunate truth here is that you have explained who you are, and either she accepts you as you are or she does not. You have explained how you feel about her, and either she believes you or she does not. You cannot make her understand something she is unwilling to comprehend, and you cannot make her accept you completely if she will not. If her reluctance is also based on her religious beliefs, that’s a whole other can of worms — and by the way, you can’t win that battle either.
You cannot change another person. The person has to be in a place in his or her life to want to change; and the change that does happen occurs from within them. Are you going to keep your life and happiness on hold for someone who is not in the same place emotionally or intellectually?
I can almost guarantee that if you stay in this relationship with this immature, insecure female, you will either hate her for being so rigid while she dominates and sabotages the relationship, or you will hate yourself for having been honest with yourself and for confiding your true self with her. Always side with truth. And if she can’t handle it, your relationship will only get more toxic. She is not the only woman in the world, and it sounds to me like she needs to grow up, and you need to move on.
* Read more AskTrish: AskTrish Posts *
* AskTrish a question: AskTrish *
As I laid down to start the session, I wondered if I’d be able to do it. I had come down with something that felt like a cold. I felt weak and tired. My nose had alternated between runny and/or stuffy, and I was coughing. I realized then that this cold must have been starting early last week, when I had the clit debacle. My body must have, in her wisdom, been redirecting energy to my immune system. Experiencing orgasm, especially manually stimulated orgasm, takes an inordinate about of energy — chi, prana. This is why physical orgasms are exhausting while energy-based and spontaneous, Kundalini orgasms recycle and grow energy.
Not knowing what to expect, I made the conscious decision to be in non-attachment. Being tired (at 1:00 in the afternoon, no less), I wasn’t sure I could do a full session anyway. I made an agreement with my body to just experience whatever there was to experience, and I would be satisfied and content.
Similar to last session (and most sessions), I started with my nipples. But there was excruciating pain. My period is well over a week off, so why such painful sensitivity, I had no idea. I massaged the underside of my breasts to stim those nerve endings, and gently brushed my fingertips over the nipple tips, and that helped to lessen the pain. The nipple orgasms took a minute longer to achieve than their usual instant O’s, but I was glad that they were “working”…. and apparently was back in an ego mindset of “keeping tally.” I re-set my mindset to non-attachment, and my hands headed south.
Doing a simple, small, barely-there caress on my clit, these orgasms took a minute or so to get going as well. My SASO’s seemed to be on coffee break. Everything was going to take effort today … just when I’m sick and tired.
As I checked for readiness at my vaginal opening, I was almost bone dry. I’d been feeling “parched” in my throat and feared I’d be dry vaginally, too. Sure enough, I was. Thinking back, my caffeine levels were way too high compared to my water intake. Caffeine is the death of orgasm because of its vaso-constriction of blood vessels — and both men and women require healthy blood vessels for arousal and physical orgasm.
At this point, I knew I probably wouldn’t do anything with Sparkles. A little lube is always used with Sparkles, but starting out not wet and relying only on lube for moisture leads to “friction sex” and that is painful. With my immune system low and my SASO’s on vacation, I knew this would be hands-only today.
I started by creating moisture, continuing nipple O’s and clit O’s. This brought on enough fluid that I could insert my fingers to love on my prostate. As she grew with arousal and her texture changed from smooth to ridged, I started on my clit with circles. I did not wet my clit. In fact, I usually start with dry fingers on either side of my hooded clit. This allows me to get a hold on the clitoral shaft, stimulating up and down the shaft as well as across the head. (Note: Do NOT try this on a woman without her permission. I know what I’m doing and what I’m feeling. If using dry touch, definitely let the woman lead. And pay attention to her reactions!)
I didn’t even pay attention to the time. I just enjoyed whatever was there to feel and savor. All of my previous concerns melted away as I got close to orgasm — I could feel my prostate was swollen as were the clitoral vestibules squeezing in like a vice-grip on my fingers. The blended orgasm was powerful and seemed to keep going and going. I finally had to stop because I could not manipulate my hands anymore. I was exhausted. Then it happened.
I cried. Emotion had bubbled beneath the surface last time, but this was emotion that I experience only after deep-thrust, A-spot/uterine orgasms. I felt that same outpouring of happiness, sadness, joy, wishful thinking, and longing that I feel after penetrative orgasms. I’ve never actually cried after a blended orgasm, but this was a great experience.
I looked over at my toy and thought, “What’s the point?” I was incredibly satisfied so I didn’t need the penetration — the rapid finger-thrusts on my prostate had taken care of that need.
As I lay back, the after-O’s in my vagina, vulva, abs, and legs were so palpable, I had a spontaneous orgasm or two. The energy pulsated through me. I noticed I was having similar muscle spasms in my right bicep. After a minute or so of very strong muscle contractions in the bicep head, the spasms moved around my arm to the triceps, and eventually faded as the contractions in my vagina, anus, abs, and hips slowed down.
Hours later, at my desk, I felt an energy radiating outward from my vaginal opening area. If you’ve ever seen a stylized drawing of a sun, with rays beaming outward in all directions from the perimeter of the sun center, that is what this felt like. This energy kept pulsating outward, a steady rhythm from my vaginal opening center, outward toward my legs. I don’t know how long this went on, but other energy zaps and zings occurred on the outsides of my legs, scalpgasms that circumferenced my head and tickled my face, and even spasms on the bridge of my nose — didn’t think there was any muscle there — that seemed to last for over an hour. In fact, they continued when I was back at my desk later, trying to work.
Overall, this was an interesting experience that left me breathless and deeply satisfied physically and emotionally. The unexpected emotion was as welcome as the after-effects of spasms and energy zings. I’m excited to see and feel what else happens.
Aroused and non-attached,
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This session was almost identical to my last session, mainly because the storm energy was still buzzing through the air, and I still felt the effects of that weird buzzy-ness. Electric. (I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs, so I know it’s naturally induced.) Also, my clit was there but still not as enthused as I would have liked. The hands-on blended O went to orgasm (rather delicious actually), but oddly, I was waiting for my clit to reach orgasm not my prostate. Usually, the reverse is true.
This blended O felt more vaginal/full-body waves-centric as a result. The emphasis was on my left hand thrusting in and out of my vagina at rapid speed, rather than my other hand going crazy with clit circles. Usually during blended orgasms, my left hand actually pauses at the entrance, still “connected” to my prostate, while my right hand circles my clit like a madwoman. My left hand will then thrust a few times here and there to maintain the orgasms till I can’t do any more.
So this session was very similar with the one addition of a peculiar feeling after the hands-on blended orgasm set.
As soon as the main part of my orgasm(s) had stopped, I laid back on the bed — not crunching forward, not arching back, just laying back catching my breath. I suddenly felt the want of emotion rising up. This completely surprised me. I have never felt emotion (the need or want to cry) except after solo, deep-thrust-triggered A-spot/uterine orgasms. Not even using a toy to stimulate my prostate for blended O’s brings emotion. I waited to see if it induced tears, but no, it did not.
After a few minutes as observationist, the emotional feeling faded, or more accurately, was absorbed into my self. I certainly would have allowed the emotion. But this was so new, I tried to watch its journey from inside my body, curious to observe why emotion from a blended orgasm, where did the emotion stem from — my core as uterine orgasms do, or from my heart chakra as most of my emotional orgasms do, or somewhere else?
This orgasm session was a completely new experience for me. Honestly, I was a wee bit disappointed when I did not cry. But I was so interested in this development, I just laid in bed and let it sink in.
Then, yes, I went for Sparkles… huge, numerous, loud orgasms ensued; cried because they were so awesome, neighbors called the police to complain about the noise, yadda, yadda.
(Just kidding about the police.)
Aroused and rising up,
With all the hullabaloo over stupid men being … well… stupid… (*see this post and this post… and well, maybe this post, too*). I am thankfully reminded that not all penised persons are cads and misogynists.
After a long day battling for vagina rights on the Twitterwebz, an ArousedWoman reader sent me a lovely comment about his own orgasmic awakening thanks to reading some of my posts — my “Allowing and Receiving” post, specifically.
I’m not taking credit for his orgasm success (okay, well, I’d love to!), but really it’s about him shedding some of the patriarchal bullshit and cultural stereotypes of sex and orgasm. Divesting himself of aiming for a pre-determined goal has opened up his body and his mind to new realizations in arousal and the orgasmic response(s).
Okay, so I’m totally interjecting my perspective on his experience, but here is what he first wrote in about experiencing a soulgasm(!!!), and below is what he said today.
I love ending the night on a good note.
My Musical Theatre training is probably to blame.
I need even less stim than ever, ironically — one or two flicks of a fingertip, and the orgasms start. They are full-body and oddly satisfying, but my back isn’t arching as much — I can’t even feel my cervix dipping down anymore, or it’s too subtle to notice. The orgasms flow through my body rather than “hit” my body or “explode.” And the ceiling fan is no longer a potential mate.
Whenever a new development occurs, it is usually startlingly noticeable. So very different, so impactful that I have to notice the new reactions my body is having. Then after a month or two, the initial effects fade, or become integrated, and I have to re-learn my body all over again.
But I don’t like starting all over again… okay, it’s not starting “all” over again, but it seems that way. As soon as I learn how to drive this thing, it adds another gear I have to learn to maneuver. In fact, when I occasionally go back and read what I’ve written, I remember the experiences in the post vividly, but it feels like they happened so long ago, that it couldn’t have been just a few weeks ago?!
The couple of times I’ve had the opportunity to use my purple friend (vibe sans batteries) — a couple weeks ago and this morning, a plethora of neighbors has been home in the adjacent apartments. I am now more convinced than ever that SOUND is crucial to bliss. The arousal isn’t as satisfying when I can’t make my loud sounds — not intentionally loud, but just my natural exclamations during the arousal and orgasmic process. And when I can’t be as loud during the orgasms, the orgasms are not as full-filling. They don’t fill up my body. Because my focus is on my body (my voice) remaining inside/ internal (i.e., quiet), the orgasms are localized to the genital and lower abs area but they are not explosive, they are full body wave-like, minus the full body aspect. And they’re not as emotional. So really, I am very annoyed right now.
That being said, I did a hands-on blended O early yesterday morning that was stunning. I haven’t been spending quality time with my prostate like she deserves… seems I’ve been all over these nipple/spontaneous orgasms for the past month, and now that they’re seeming to fade in intensity, my prostate is reminding me she likes to be loved on, too.
Since I can’t be loud much anyway, this is causing me to wonder if I should put my purple friend aside for a while. My initial reaction is a horrified, “NO!” The deep thrusts hitting the AFE/A-spot is the only thing that brings on the crying/uterine orgasms… though… oddly enough, the nipple/OM orgasms have been inducing tears and a softer emotional pull (rather than the deep/core emotional response). And I can keep them going for a while — for as long as I feel like playing with my nipples or my clit. (I’ll alternate so nobody gets sore.) The whole time I feel this swirling of energy in my torso, pushing outward, sometimes upward like it wants to come out my throat/voice, but vocalizations during these kinds of orgasms are more glottal stops rather than moans — I might see if I can specifically direct that energy next time (tonight!).
And while I’m at it, I’ll just mention that I’ve had the strangest, spontaneous shooting of energy down my left leg. It happens while I’m at my desk, especially if I’ve had a scalpgasm. The energy going down is a new one for me. Since starting Kundalini work, I’ve tried to focus on energy going up the spine and down the front. These scalpgasms go around the back of my head, up, then down my neck to my back. Very different for me. Also, when I’m in bed, I will barely brush my fingernail over my left hip flexor, and the entire skin area of my left leg zings with energy — feels like a million little ants are crawling on my leg at once, only it’s not creepy like that. :) It feels tingly fabulous. (I’m getting tingles across the back of my head, and down my arms and legs just proof-reading this!)
All of this leads me to think that I’m in a down-swing, or at least in a phase of integration. The bad news is my Irish impatience is gonna get really frustrated with all this… again… I thought I was finally learning how to Yin, but this is bringing the Yang to the fore like crazy. The goal-oriented, severely attached to the outcome part of me that I had been able to subside is raising doubts, disappointments, insecurity, and fear. I don’t like this one bit.
The good news is that every time there’s been a valley, the next peak has been breathtakingly amazing. So I’m trying to keep the Irish/Yang in check for the next five weeks. We’ll see if I feel more freedom as school starts, and I’m alone during the days again.
Guess, I’ll need to stock up on potstickers till August 7th.
Aroused and integrating,
The “red-blooded-ness” of the American male’s manhood is quantified by the degree to which he holds breasts in esteem and wants to hold them in his hands… and his mouth… and slide his erection between them. As one former beau put it, “There’s a whole world of breasts out there, and I can’t die till I’ve seen every pair of them.”
Over the last 40 years, breasts have not only become a national obsession, they’ve become big business spurring the porn and plastic surgery industries to gigantic proportions — a different kind of #WarOnWomen. One might think that porn invented breasts — or even the proliferation of showing breasts, but ancient art and fertility sites clearly indicate the female form has been revered for millennia.
The breast is a gland. Anatomically, female breasts are almost identical to the male breast, though we are unaccustomed to referring to the male’s pectoral/nipple area as a “breast.” The underlying structure of the breast is the pectoral muscle, over which the mammary glands and ducts and fat tissue protrude from the body in post-pubescent females and some men. Men can get breast cancer, and some men even lactate and have breastfed their babies. Men who have excess breast tissue may have a hormonal condition known as gynecomastia, treatment of which is usually surgical male breast reduction.
Our perception of breasts — what they should look like, how they should move, what they should feel like, has changed drastically with the mainstreaming of porn and the life-altering rise of the internet. With sex readily available on any device capable of an internet or wi-fi connection, fake breasts and staged sex are literally at your fingertips 24/7. But what has all this accessibility done to the breast? To women’s bodies? To our body image and self-esteem? Do men even know what real breasts look like anymore?
Real breasts come in many shapes, sizes, and colors. Though the exact look and feel of the breasts varies with the woman, for the most part women’s breasts are oval shaped (not spherical), with the majority of the breast tissue being at or below the nipple/areola complex, and the nipples angled slightly outward, away from each other. In larger breasts, the areola may be oval-shaped as well. Because real breasts function at the demand of the law of gravity, they move — sometimes down, sometimes to the sides toward the armpits, or away from each other all together. Real breasts move.
Thanks to porn and plastic surgery, the placement and the size of implants has created a distorted view of women’s breasts. At times, it seems as if even the doctors don’t know what breasts are supposed to look like!
With results that can appear as if basketballs were surgically implanted, fake breasts can look completely unnatural: spherical instead of oval, the areolas too small in proportion to the size of the breast, the nipples pointing straight out — or worse, upwards.
Implants are inserted at the areola line, inframammary line, or under the armpit, cutting through the nerve-rich tissue and leaving some implantees with little to no sensation in the nipples. Permanently. Considering the nipples are wired directly to the clitoris, why would a woman sacrifice a lifetime of orgasms for money she might earn in porn or stripping — or worse, because she feels inadequate with her body because of the pressure to have huge, high, perfect breasts?
With fake breasts, the implant is placed under the pectoral muscle. Essentially, the implant is held up by the chest wall muscles, rendering the breast an almost motionless appendage. (How are real breasts supposed to compete with this?!)
I’d like to say I don’t have a problem with implants, but yes, I really do have a problem with implants when the woman is getting them because she feels inferior due to media and socio-cultural conditioning. But I recognize this is my problem, and a woman’s body is hers to do with as she chooses. I certainly have no problem with implants for women who are reconstructing their breast(s) post-breast cancer or are evening out a condition in which one breast is underdeveloped. But these are not the majority of women seeking breast augmentation.
Having worked for a plastic surgeon, I heard many women say that they wanted the implants to give them the look of a push-up bra without having to wear a bra. Many implantees get their breasts done with a “pushed up” curvature in the center. Presto! Permanent cleavage.
The proliferation of the push-up bra phenomenon is a direct result of the breast-obsessed culture. While you can argue that the pushed up nature of brassieres harkens back to the days of corsets, the reality is that for most of the corset’s history, the job of the corset (or “pair of bodies” as it was originally called) was to shape the torso into the desired look of the time, not push the breasts up and in.
The pushing up and in of the breasts is actually the complete opposite of what is natural for the breasts and for innate biological signs of sexual maturity. The dropping of the breast tissue is the last phase of puberty for the breasts, and this may not fully happen until the woman is 21 years old. When plastic surgeons are taking measurements for a patient’s breast reduction, they gauge the new nipple line at the inframammary fold, where the underside of the breast meets the torso. So if cosmetic surgeons can get this right with breast reduction, why do they purposely get it so very wrong for breast augmentation?
The hypersexualization of women’s breasts has surpassed the porn and skin mags industry, with the cups of commerce spilling over into stripping, lingerie, comic books, video games, mainstream film, mass market paperback books, and even kids’ cartoons and national beauty pageants.
This doesn’t begin to cover the topic of how breasts naturally change throughout a women’s life. Breasts change constantly through a woman’s monthly cycle. You could say that once puberty starts, the breasts never stop changing!
Add in to this ever-evolving metamorphosis the life cycles of pregnancy, breastfeeding, post-partum hormone craziness, weight gain, weight loss, menopause, and just getting older. The life of real breasts is tough physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Could there be a shortage of real breasts in the next few decades? While scientists are looking for a cure for the common cold and AIDS, are they already working on a DNA breast augmentation injection so that future generations of girls won’t have to suffer the indignity of not measuring up to society’s demands for unnaturally shaped breasts?
I certainly hope not!
So then why do men buy porn? And skin mags? And go see strippers? I know men are viscerally oriented and generally lack imagination when it comes to getting off, but this is ridiculous.
And why the hell do men think women want lingerie as a gift?! All of these industries are run by men for men with women not being considered in the equation at all — except to feel like something is wrong if they’re a size A cup instead of FFF or their breasts hang naturally instead of defying the laws of gravity.
Why are men so desirous of seeing breasts bigger and bigger and in completely unnatural formations and perfectly, unnaturally symmetrical? How would men feel if they were expected to have their sensitive parts pushed up and in when these parts are supposed to be down, free, and maybe slightly uneven?
Whether temporary pushing up of the breasts via a bra or permanent cleavage due to manipulated implants, society not only accepts but expects this violation against women’s biology. In fact, when women’s breasts do not meet the porn/skin mag fake implant standard, the real, living, breathing, feeling, natural, un-airbrushed women are made to feel as if something is wrong with them — that their bodies are somehow misshapen or ugly if their breasts do not match society’s porn-induced standard.
Breasts come in many different sizes, shapes, and colors. Before passing judgment on a woman’s body that will make her feel less than human, think of other females you know — your sister or your daughter, even your mother. Would you want someone else to make them feel less than worthy as a human being just because of the way their body is naturally?
Then don’t pass the socio-cultural brainwashing on by passing judgment on your girlfriend or wife. And stop supporting the very industries that propagate the brainwashing. Stop buying porn and skin mags and comic books. Start buying erotica directed by women and starring natural women. Buy books about women written by women, or subscribe to sites that feature natural women being naturally sexy.
Better yet, get off the computer and go hug your woman.
My last session — on Monday — was amazing, and I wrote about it here.
After the final big orgasm, as the contractions pulsated in my vagina, cervix, and anus, I burst into tears which made me deliriously happy (inside). This emotion was centered in the heart chakra. I felt the wall of my chest vibrating — a heartgasm?, and my hands flew up to my heart and over my eyes. The crying was guttural and from my core. It felt like I was finally back on my journey’s path.
This may not sound like a good thing, but I was relieved by the emotional expression that occurred. The past few weeks, my orgasms had been unemotional — with little to no crying afterward. I have begun to equate my vocal volume during and my emotional crying afterward with the intensity and number of orgasms. The louder and boo-hooey-er, the bigger and better. The lack of emotional response seemed to be synonymous with the lack of true arousal I’d been feeling.
This then brought up other emotional issues… I realized that I almost dread having sex with a partner again… the more emotional I am means the awesomer my orgasms were. Men are scared of emotion. So this is actually beginning to feel like a deal-breaker. I can’t go back to unemotional sex. Women who like casual sex — more power to them. I’ve recently discovered I just don’t want it. I would need to hide my emotions for a “just fucking” encounter, and that would hurt too much.
I know this separates me from the majority of feminists out there who think that being an empowered female means fucking anything that’s longer than it is wide and being able to walk away unaffected by the encounter. I never was that way inside, though I did have the occasional orgy one-night stand. (Another reason to love the theatre :D ). And I’m a humanist, not a feminist — if “feminist” is defined as thinking women should automatically be placed ahead of men just because we’re female — that’s reverse discrimination FOR the vagina, which is no better than discrimination AGAINST the vagina.
Recognizing that I… need… as well as want the emotional component of sexual experience must mean I’m getting old… or maybe more integrated with my higher self. “Needing” anything is not easy for me. I’ve always been and had to be independent. Find a way or make a way. No negotiations. No excuses. “Needing” puts me in a position of submissiveness. Vulnerability. And frankly, that freaks me out.
Not to get all woo-woo on you, but having experienced the astral plane in dreams and the cosmic orgasm from my prostate awakening, I refuse to settle for anything less. Don’t get me wrong. I would still enjoy a good ol’ fashioned hard fuck, as long as the underlying relationship is one of love and trust — then the hard fuck is really just a matter of mutual, wild, animal lust rearing its fabulous head amidst a spirit-connected sexual and sensual experience… but I can cry afterward, knowing I’m safe, that I felt safe to give myself so fully to the experience in the first place… and for me, crying is a good thing.
Aroused and blubbering,