Copyright 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
Those of you who have followed my orgasm journal have read about my path to becoming a multi-orgasmic and spontaneously orgasmic woman. I’ve experienced all sorts of -gasms from multiple orgasms, heart-gasms, leg-gasms, nipple-gasms, urination-gasms, labia-gasms — you name it, my body has -gasmed there.
I embarked on this journey as a means of healing from sexual abuse as a child, rape as an adult, and a miserable marriage. I just wanted to be able to feel sensation in my clit again after doing damage from vibrators — and to be able to orgasm during sex, a seemingly impossible feat I never accomplished with a partner. Since starting this path via research, trial and error, and a few different “methods,” I have experienced orgasms, emotions, and awakenings physically and emotionally that I never dreamed were possible. Along the way, I’ve made mistakes and had revelations, and it has all been one big learning experience.
I had begun a practice about a year ago that is essentially breathing, sound, and touch — supposedly, a protocol “discovered” by accident. I now feel that this is inaccurate, since combining breathing, sound, and touch is an ancient practice to awaken the subtle body, to trigger the energy fields of the meridians, and to rewire the parasympathetic nervous system.
After all, orgasm is both a physical event and an energy event. Different systems are activated to bring about each kind of orgasm.
In documenting my journey, I was able to go back and see what I did, when, the circumstances of my emotions at the time, any physical factors, as well as my experiences with the protocol itself, and how it affected me. (THIS is why journaling is so important — not necessarily at the time of the experience, but it can be very important later.) Looking back, I noticed that I did everything exactly opposite of what was given in the “protocol,” and when I tried to do it correctly, I hurt my voice or didn’t experience as much as when I did it “wrong.” Mostly, though, when doing it “wrong,” I experienced huge leaps forward in my orgasmic journey, and I knew that I was doing a practice that was centuries old, a Tantric type of breathing meditation with sound that awakens the body, the mind, and even the spirit/consciousness self.
Incorporating sensual massage and my solo version of the OM clit technique took my orgasmic experiences to a new level. Learning to love my breasts and starting to accept my body as she is has been healing in many ways, not the least of which has been the change in how I make love to myself.
Over the past year, as I began to sink a little too deep into Yin energy personally while expending inordinate amounts of Yang energy during the push to the 2012 POTUS election (combating GOP repressive crap), I experienced the sexual downward cycles that follow every sexual upsurge high. I no longer craved manually stimulated orgasms or solo sex sessions. I could do barely-there nipple stim or gentle clit and labia stim and have those orgasms and be perfectly happy. I began to fear I was losing my sex drive. Now, as I am again experiencing changes in my orgasms (that I will write up soon), I have left that other protocol behind and have begun firmly on a Tantric path.
I have started working with a Tantric teacher in Miami, and I am so very happy to be on this path. The program takes a minimum of six years to complete, so it is definitely a commitment. At this time, it feels right, and I hope to be able to complete it. I can’t wait to see what I experience in six months, a year, five years from now by working with a real Tantric. I know that sounds like forever to some of you, but in the past couple of years I’ve learned that it takes time to process and integrate the new awakenings of the subtle body with the physical body and the emotional and psychological aspects of our selves.
Tantra is a beautiful journey of awareness, transformation, and expansiveness, not the sex orgy touted by “gurus” and media for tabloid fodder… though sex is certainly improved by Tantra consciousness being present.
As Georg Feuerstein says in Tantra, The Path of Ecstasy:
“It is no accident that true Tantric practitioners are called “heroes” (vira), because they must navigate in treacherous waters that demand constant vigilance and great inner strength…. There are no shortcuts, and the quest for quick fixes and weekend enlightement is merely one of the symptoms of the kali-yuga, governed by delusion and greed.”
I think I will be blogging my experiences here, so stay tuned.
* Read Part 1 here. *
So my body was buzzing from the early morning’s activities, and I did my duties for work (theatre writing) and continued plotting my domination of the world via Musical Theatre. My 12:30 p.m. alarm announced it was time for KSMO practice, and after a few snoozes o’ the alarm, off I went to hit the shower before hitting the bed to enjoy my second helping of orgasmic bliss.
I did my 20-minue KSMO practice, trying to do the single caressing (epic fail, I like constant caressing — go figure!), and still trying to get the vocalization just right. While having sex (solo or partnered) is not recommended on KSMO practice days, I was just horny. And the morning’s session had left me wanting the vaginal O part of a blended orgasm.
To stimulate my prostate, I started with the glass wand. I have had some amazing developments with the prostate stimulation. Though the clit is known for producing sudden, heated, fireworks, the She Spot (G-Spot) is known to be a slow-burner of arousal — deceptively slow, incredibly deep, full, filling arousal. For me, the vaginal stimulation now brings this full-body, core arousal much more quickly than it used to. (So ladies, if you’ve never done prostate stimulation because you’ve heard it takes a long time to get aroused, give it a try on a regular basis. Your body will probably “calibrate” to this stimulation and start getting aroused more quickly with steady practice!)
With my prostate warmed up, I started the simultaneous clit stim. Since starting KSMO, I can use a lot less stimulation on my clit. I may start off with circles, but I usually end up doing long strokes from just above the clitoral hood down to the outer labia. Nowadays, I’ll often start with some OM clit fingering, and that really gets those clitoral nerves humming. And frankly, my clit was sore from this morning.
I switched to my penisy vibrator (sans vibration) so I could rock out my A-Spot. Because I’m already extremely aroused, the fullness of the vibrator hits all the “spots” and “zones” in the vagina. And I shudder, a full-body shudder. (Actually, I think it’s an orgasm, a full-body O as the vibe goes in, but that’s just my perception of it.)
Public service announcement: Guys, THIS is why you should spend 15 to 30 minutes on “foreplay”! Once aroused, there isn’t a spot in the vagina that isn’t ready to orgasm with a little extra love. Doing this will help bring up the horrible statistics that about 70% of women NEVER orgasm during penetrative sex!!!
During the journey to orgasm, I noticed I kept stopping all stimulation. I have no idea why. I didn’t plan on this or consciously decide to stop. It just sort of happened. My body seemed to know what it wanted and how it wanted it. I would stop both hands momentarily just to feel the effects of the stimulation. For some reason, I kept doing this — both hands stimulating, pausing to feel, stimulating pausing, feeling… over and over and over. Each time, I moaned,a little higher pitched than usual — I even had the observationist critique of “Gee, I sound cheezy!” But I didn’t care. This letting the body take over was new for me, and it was delicious! Each time while pausing, I could feel sensations bubbling up and expanding not into orgasm (at the moment) but brewing something bigger, thicker, deeper.
Normally, the post-orgasm emotion begins 5 to 10 seconds after the orgasms, and even then, the emotion/tears begin softly, quickly building in intensity to full-out crying, then fading. Usually afterward, I wind up laughing at myself because I feel kind of ridiculous over the whole thing. (Jung might say I’m in ego, but after letting loose, moaning, howling, and crying, I think getting back in ego might be a good thing so I can get on with my day!)
Today, the emotion hit instantly. In fact, I was barely through the last orgasm when the crying erupted from me, forcibly bringing up emotions from my core. I know uterine orgasms are emotional, but this was raw and primal. I felt emotionally pummeled. I have no idea where it came from. I can only surmise that the catharsis of writing my breasts article and the subsequent good response touched me or knocked loose something that needed to be — could only be — released through deep, full-body, full-emotion, body/spirit integrated orgasm.
Now, I usually am so relaxed or so exhausted by this point that I doze off into a light sleep. I’ll doze about 15 minutes, roll over, and doze another 15 minutes. I’ll then lay there to feel what’s going on in my body — usually, echoes are still going on. For me, I define echoes as the after-orgasms — possibly a series of orgasms in their own right — that are contractions of the genitals and lower core: vagina, anus, cervix dipping down, clit throbbing, blood pulsating through the inner and outer labia, even my lower abdominals, and definitely my glutes still clenching, etc. I’ve noticed my hips will continue to rock well after the orgasm spectacular is over. These echoes/contractions go on for a half hour to an hour.
Today, I fell asleep almost immediately. I think I was emotionally as well as physically exhausted from the session. Not to mention the 90-minute session I’d had earlier that morning. (And people wonder why I won’t work out at a gym?!) But this was no light snooze. This was a hard sleep. In fact, I slept for over an hour. When I woke up, I looked at the clock and would have jumped out of bed if I’d had the energy. Which was another strange feeling — normally I feel energized and buzzy at this point. But not today. I was tired. And I had a weird feeling in my chest wall.
I first experienced heartgasms last Fall. Sometimes, people feel heartgasms as sudden happiness that makes them clutch their hands to their heart, or they feel as if an orgasm has just happened IN the heart area. My heartgasms were/are similar. Mostly, I feel a sudden buzzing in my chest wall/rib cage, as if my inner/astral me is trying to burst out of my physical body and go back to the spirit plane. (If you’re not into astral stuff and don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll have to explain this in another post.)
What I felt today was a strong tug-of-war between my body and my inner/astral me that was trying to escape, to return to the spirit plane, or at least the Land of Orgasm. If I were a 60 year-old man, a smoker, or ate fried foods, I might think I was having a heart attack. Glad it was just an orgasm!
This tug-of-war happening at my chest wall/rib cage went on for hours. It was less intense once I had to go back to pretending I’d worked all day long and did other responsible stuff. :D But the sensations were still there. And in my genitals, I stil had the feeling of the bubbling up, expanding, full, hot, pulsating, buzz, and echoes.
I don’t like this in-between feeling. I want to definitely be somewhere — definitely here or definitely there. Though I guess if I’m definitely there, I’d be dead. Another insight into why the French term for orgasm is “la petite mort” — the little death. And maybe why we keep returning to arousal and orgasm to experience the Other Side if only briefly.
C’est la vie.
Aroused and somewhere,
My last session — on Monday — was amazing, and I wrote about it here.
After the final big orgasm, as the contractions pulsated in my vagina, cervix, and anus, I burst into tears which made me deliriously happy (inside). This emotion was centered in the heart chakra. I felt the wall of my chest vibrating — a heartgasm?, and my hands flew up to my heart and over my eyes. The crying was guttural and from my core. It felt like I was finally back on my journey’s path.
This may not sound like a good thing, but I was relieved by the emotional expression that occurred. The past few weeks, my orgasms had been unemotional — with little to no crying afterward. I have begun to equate my vocal volume during and my emotional crying afterward with the intensity and number of orgasms. The louder and boo-hooey-er, the bigger and better. The lack of emotional response seemed to be synonymous with the lack of true arousal I’d been feeling.
This then brought up other emotional issues… I realized that I almost dread having sex with a partner again… the more emotional I am means the awesomer my orgasms were. Men are scared of emotion. So this is actually beginning to feel like a deal-breaker. I can’t go back to unemotional sex. Women who like casual sex — more power to them. I’ve recently discovered I just don’t want it. I would need to hide my emotions for a “just fucking” encounter, and that would hurt too much.
I know this separates me from the majority of feminists out there who think that being an empowered female means fucking anything that’s longer than it is wide and being able to walk away unaffected by the encounter. I never was that way inside, though I did have the occasional orgy one-night stand. (Another reason to love the theatre ). And I’m a humanist, not a feminist — if “feminist” is defined as thinking women should automatically be placed ahead of men just because we’re female — that’s reverse discrimination FOR the vagina, which is no better than discrimination AGAINST the vagina.
Recognizing that I… need… as well as want the emotional component of sexual experience must mean I’m getting old… or maybe more integrated with my higher self. “Needing” anything is not easy for me. I’ve always been and had to be independent. Find a way or make a way. No negotiations. No excuses. “Needing” puts me in a position of submissiveness. Vulnerability. And frankly, that freaks me out.
Not to get all woo-woo on you, but having experienced the astral plane in dreams and the cosmic orgasm from my prostate awakening, I refuse to settle for anything less. Don’t get me wrong. I would still enjoy a good ol’ fashioned hard fuck, as long as the underlying relationship is one of love and trust — then the hard fuck is really just a matter of mutual, wild, animal lust rearing its fabulous head amidst a spirit-connected sexual and sensual experience… but I can cry afterward, knowing I’m safe, that I felt safe to give myself so fully to the experience in the first place… and for me, crying is a good thing.
Aroused and blubbering,
In the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to get back into the KSMO thing. After the debacle (with a couple of morons) on the forum, I didn’t do anything KSMO for 2 months. In the interim, I finally tried Om-ing and was shocked by the fabulous results I had with it as well as went a couple rounds with my new glass prostate wand and have loved playing with that ever since.
Oddly enough, I began to experience painful sensitivity in my nipples. Not the whole breasts, just the nipples. This was horribly sad because I have begun to rely on nipple stim as the appetizer that leads to the entree of arousal and delectable orgasmic desert(s) later on. Also, since beginning a regular-ish practice of sensual massage, I’ve found my hands on my breasts almost constantly whenever I’m naked. (That may seem weird, but since I spent most of my life hating my breasts, I’m actually just getting to know them.)
Nipple stimulation leads to a cervical, Kundalini orgasm in 10 to 30 seconds. If I continue the nipple and breast stimulation (as I’m wont to do), I can even get aroused enough to experience what author Diana Richardson calls the “YES!” of vaginal arousal, where the vaginal opening (the clitoral cuff of the PC muscles) opens and a finger or toy slides right in — no wiggling past the fleshy opening necessary to enter. The first time I felt my vagina open like that, it was as if my vulva was sighing a sweet, “Ahhhhh….” It felt amazing. Since then, I can sense when my vagina is open like that, waiting to be entered by… something. In fact, I’ve found myself awakening in the middle of the night from a sexual-infused dream and without touching my shaved vulva, I can tell I’m fully opened and in “YES!” mode.
With little notice, my nipples became painfully sensitive a few weeks ago. Even the air flow from the ceiling fan was painful. This made me pay attention to the rest of the breast (which, admittedly, is overlooked by men as well). I can only surmise that the pain was related to my hormonal cycles — it began a week after my period, through ovulation (think I caught the egg this month!), and a week after. This past week has been miraculously back to normal in sensation. However, the cervical O’s only came back in the last day or two, and they’re not as strong — but I did notice that the intensity is building back. Will have to work on those.
As for the energy in my legs, I don’t have much to report other than I’ve noticed weird pulsating, energy zaps down the backs of my legs recently. It feels like contractions (but not like a leg cramp). It’s as if it’s building energy, starting in my lower glutes/upper hamstrings and down to my calves. Strong sensations but not unpleasant.
I had full-body O’s during this last session with lots of energy in my legs — which is great because my legs are strong and tend to be very active during the last phase of arousal (shaking profusely) and during orgasms themselves (kicking out, pulling up, kicking out again, etc.). I can even feel my prostate coming back to life, which had also gone dormant in recent months.
As for regular orgasms, I’ve had my orgasms in the past few weeks, but they hadn’t been as satisfying as I’ve become accustomed since last Fall. I don’t know if this is related to the nipple pain or not. The breasts are indeed the gateway to orgasm (for me, anyway), so that may have been the cause for (what I consider) the lackluster orgasms — they were localized to the genitals, and even when they extended upward, they weren’t full-body… more … one-hit of orgasm, but not even an explosion. (Yes, this was with blended O stim.)
On the brighter side, I woke up from some sensual dream at 3:45 a.m. today, and unable to sleep, I laid in bed as I do with my legs spread open and massaged my breasts and labia. It was fabulous. I can’t count the number of cervical O’s I had with the breast stimulation, and even had a couple of energy zings from minor OM clit stimulation.
Will have to see where all this leads next… Being on my period, I won’t be able to play inside until Saturday or Sunday… well, I could, but man, I hate the “Clean up, aisle 12″ scenario. Guess it’s just me and my breasts till then!