As I look ahead to my online orgasm training workshop, I am conducting an Orgasm Questionnaire and would love to have as many readers participate as possible!
This questionnaire should take about 30 minutes to fill out, and there are no wrong answers. It’s also pretty nosy, so brace yourself!
Filling out this questionnaire in NO WAY obligates you to participate in the workshop. But the questions are geared to those who would be interested in taking my online orgasm workshop this summer.
No part of the questionnaire will be published without your express permission. However, some of the responses may be used ANONYMOUSLY in a post here on ArousedWomanBlog.com, based on the statistical information that may be of use to my readers.
NOTE: Some of these responses are required, so look carefully at each question. (I hope you’ll answer each one!)
I appreciate you taking this Orgasm Questionnaire so I can better understand my readers’ sex lives and orgasm habits.
ArousedWoman’s Orgasm Questionnaire:
© 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
ANSWER EVERY QUESTION EVEN IF IT ISN’T FOR YOUR GENDER, or if it DOESN’T APPLY just put N/A. The form will NOT submit if a question is not answered (blame WordPress).
Here’s a consult I did tonight over Twitter — yes, Twitter. See! Consults are conveniently arranged via phone, Skype, or even Twitter. Sure, you can ask me a question for an AskTrish post, but it can take a while (read: months) to get an answer posted due to the number of questions I receive. To schedule a consult — especially if your question is time-sensitive, just contact me via the Consult page on my website.
NOTE: I know this client, so some info on his background, health, etc., were not covered in this Consult. In this Transcript, Twitter typos have been fixed. Permission to use was granted by the client, who is represented by Q (Querier).
Q: I have had sex with 2 women in the past 3 months. I have had problems before but moved past it. The first few times I sleep with a woman, I can’t climax, and I have a hard time staying erect. I can’t focus, and all I think about is if she is enjoying it and I just totally suck. LOL
T: You’re putting too much pressure on yourself!
Q: It has been that way since I first had sex.
T: There are tell-tale signs a woman is enjoying sex that you can look for. Read my post on “The Face of Orgasm.”
Q: I feel that way and think about her because I have a hard time staying hard. It just stays semi and like floppy, it’s bigger so it’s harder to control when not hard.
T: You need to read my blog more often. Seriously. Orgasm is NOT the same as ejaculation. You can orgasm for hours and never even get an erection. Read my rant on “Have Multiple Orgasms Already!”
A “floppy” penis is actually normal for a larger penis. Even getting hard, a larger penis may not stand at full attention and has nothing to do with your arousal level. If you’re getting anxious, that triggers adrenaline, which affects the brain, breathing, and triggers the fight-or-flight reflex, as well as releases stress hormones like cortisol.
Q: Yeah, that’s how I feel, I’m nervous the first few times. I don’t enjoy sex and can’t come close to climax. After the first 3 or 4 times, I’m good.
T: What changes by the 3rd or 4th time that you can actually enjoy sex?
Q: I think I finally get comfortable, get used to her feel, her movements, I guess.
T: How does she react those first few times? Does she say or do something that makes you feel less “manly” or just inadequate? Or does she go out of her way (or maybe overboard) to boost your ego?
Q: I have never asked. Some women don’t come back. Those that stick around like it. I just feel embarrassed, and it gets worse each time.
T: Are you drinking alcohol? On any meds, legal or otherwise?
Q: There have been times when this has happened that I had been drinking and it happened. Most times, sober.
T: Alcohol is a social norm, but terrible for sexual response! But even sober, you’ve had enough bad experience with this that you’re talking yourself into being anxious even if you’re not realizing it. Sex with a person the first time is always a little nerve-wracking. And if a woman doesn’t understand that, she’s not for you anyway.
Have you told the women up front that you’re nervous? That you focus on the woman so much you sometimes don’t climax, and that’s okay with you? As in, you are focused on HER, and not yourself. That you just want to be with her?
Q: I never have said anything.
T: Ah… Communication is paramount. This is why one-night stands and at-the-bar hook-ups can be difficult for some people. They don’t feel comfortable talking about such things. You have to talk to the woman.
I also think you should begin some yoga or meditation exercise that helps you with stress and anxiety. You don’t need alcohol or meds to help with this, IMHO. Learn to control your breathing, which actually affects your brain, hormone response, and nervousness.
Q: How do I go about starting the anxiety control?
T: Contact a yoga or meditation teacher in your area. You want to find someone who is experienced in yoga (hatha, ashtanga, tantra, kundalini) — some tradition that is REAL yoga, not New Age… especially if you seek a Tantra teacher — you need a REAL Tantra teacher, not a New Age one. The purpose of the breathing meditations is so you get into your body to control the reactions you’re having to stress…
Q: I see, I never thought of that. I will do that! So how do I go about being intimate the first time?
T: Dude, you’re jumping ahead here! You’re not ready to have sex yet.
Q: LOL I see that!
T: Of course, I teach this as well. But you need a teacher that you can learn from w/o having sexual attraction to — like a man… (Not that you’re attracted to me, that’s not what I’m saying! Just that a male teacher might be better for you.)
Q: Like shadow a man you mean?
T: Learning from a male teacher will have a different energy than if you’re studying with a female (since you’re straight, the opposite would be true if you were a gay man). Since you’re doing this with the idea of great sex being the benefit, learning from a woman might trigger some of that stress.
Q: So what would I learn from him?
T: For starters, a man who’s mastered breathing and stress control would be better able to teach you how to control a penis, from the man’s perspective.
Q: Wouldn’t triggering the stress help me learn to deal with it?
Q: Well, can you help me. Even from a distance, I imagine you can.
T: If you want the male teacher, I can recommend one. And you could tell him about the sexual side of things, whereas you might feel weird talking about this with the average yoga teacher you don’t know, or talking about this with a man you’re afraid will mock you. Finding a teacher you feel completely safe with is crucial.
Q: There is a reason I came to you with this problem!! Okay, you are the master. Thank you.
T: You’re welcome.
I’ve been married for almost 15 years. Before I got married, I used to have orgasms without a problem during intercourse, and I was very active and sexual woman. Now, AFTER 15 years, we have sex like every three or four months and worse, without orgasms… well, once a year if I’m really lucky. I only get an orgasm while watching porn and masturbating myself — so, I’m not anorgasmic — but it doesn’t happen while having sex with him. Even when I’m aroused and really try to have an orgasm mental and physically, it just doesn’t happen. I talked to him, but it’s not enough.
I LOOOVEEEE sex, I like sex, and even for a while I resigned myself to abstinence. Well, I suppose that I am the problem, but I cannot find the solution. I want to enjoy sex, and literally shout out myself for pleasure and orgasm during intercourse but well… here I am asking for help. Love my husband and I wish I could surrender myself into his arms and enjoy and cry out for pleasure. Any thoughts?
Right off the bat, I see at least three major things that need to be addressed, and hear me when I say, YOU are NOT the sole issue that needs help here. It takes two to tango, and in a relationship, each partner is 100% responsible for participating in their 50% of the partnership.
The word relationship does not mean “suffer in silence,” as you seem to be doing — I know that’s how I felt in my miserable 15-year marriage with orgasmless sex. (At least you like your guy!) A relationship is supposed to be two (or more) people actively relating to each other. I don’t see much relating at all here. But let’s begin this conversation with you…
You didn’t tell me your age, so for round numbers, let’s say you’re 40 years old and got married at 25. In your early 20′s then, you were a vibrant, happy, sexual, naturally orgasmic woman. Fast forward 15 years, you’re experiencing issues with orgasm with a husband who is uninterested in “fixing” a relationship he apparently doesn’t view as being problematic.
From a physical standpoint, the body completely regenerates every cell in the body within about three years. So you are literally not the same person you were then — your body has completely re-created itself 5 times since then. Now, at “40,” your hormone levels are different, your blood chemistry is different, and this isn’t even considering if you take prescription medication on a regular basis that can upset your body’s chemical balance, or have unhealthy nutrition habits, too much alcohol or caffeine intake, etc.
My first recommendation to you is to get your bloodwork done and see what your hormone levels are — do you make enough testosterone? Testosterone is required for women’s sexuality, believe it or not. When we’re younger, we have plenty of it (without seeming masculine), but as we get older, women’s testosterone levels drop significantly. This can be made worse if you have been taking products that give you extra estrogen, such as birth control, or eating unfermented soy products like soy milk, soy yogurt, or ingesting too many foods made with soy. Also get your thyroid levels checked as the thyroid regulates hormone production in the body.
The second area I would address if I were you is the porn. Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch beautiful, sensual erotica myself, but as with any item we start to “rely” on for orgasm, porn may now be a “crutch” for you. I gave up vibrators when I could no longer have an orgasm without them — I literally had no feeling in my clit or labia, and I wasn’t even using a vibrator that often. It took six months to be able to feel any sensation in my clit. You may have gotten to the point where you’ve unconsciously talked yourself into reaching climax “only” when watching porn, so the orgasm is less about your sexual happiness and connection to your self and more about a psychosomatic reflex — “muscle memory” triggered by watching porn, if you will.
Go porn-less for a few months and get back in touch with your body. Your body was naturally orgasmic. Allow the muscles and nerves and your autonomic nervous system to re-learn what came so easily back then — awaken that “muscle” memory! This will take time and will likely be very frustrating. I invite you to read through my DailyOJ if you want a friend-in-frustration because I certainly understand. I would recommend my “Allowing and Receiving post” any time you really feel the pull to give up the bodywork and go back to the porn. Again, I’m not saying you should never watch erotica again, just take a break for a little while. Or watch some erotica or scroll through my Tumblr to get the juices flowing, then turn it off when you start masturbating. Relax into your body, focusing on your body’s wants and needs, not what you think your body “should” want or how it “should” act/react. Read my post on “Lying Broken in Pieces As I Heal” to see this process from a different perspective.
The third issue here is the infrequency of the sexual relationship with your husband. I am wondering, “What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to make love to a woman just starting her sexual prime? What’s going on in his work? His life outside the relationship — with him as a man? What stresses does he experience with his job, deadlines, co-workers? Does he have any addictions (food, caffeine, alcohol, other) that could be affecting him? Does he have health issues that are affecting his emotions, blood circulation, sexual drive, and even his mental/psychological state? Does he experience erectile dysfunction? Is he not making enough testosterone at this point in his life?” Yes, men make less testosterone as they get older as well.
As a man in his 40′s, let’s say, he may have been brought up in the last generation of boys who were taught to solve problems for themselves, don’t ask for help — that’s a sign of “weakness,” men have to have all the answers, be the leaders. Men are still suffering from the strong-silent-type John Wayne persona they were forced to emulate all the while being fed the Renaissance Man/Prince stereotype who is supposed to sweep a woman off her feet, romance her endlessly, and the relationship bliss and passion just happen all the time by magic — as women have been brainwashed into believing thanks to “princess” animated movies, romance novels, and daytime soaps.
Orgasms can seem easy enough if you find the right sex position. But the want has to really be there as well as a healthy mind and a healthy body. It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to bridge the divide here. Sex 4 times a year is not a true relating-ship, in my opinion, especially since you have tried to talk with him and he has not been receptive to communication. There are deeper issues going on with him that he may not feel comfortable sharing… yet.
Getting back to you, though, I hope you’re not expecting him to “give” you orgasms or “make” you cum. You are 100% responsible for your own orgasms during sex — or even solo. I see you understand that orgasm is a mental process first for a woman. After all the disappointment you’ve faced with this, your mental outlook may verge on the pessimistic side. You have work to do, for sure, and you need to work on yourself and your self first.
Okay… I lied… there’s a fourth thing I want you to consider…
In this post on orgasms, I explain there are different types of orgasms: the physical reflex and the energetic response. You can frig off for hours and never orgasm, much less climax. Or you can rewire the body to the point where you just think the word “orgasm,” and you’re off into the La-La Land of Bliss. Get back to your body, and rewire from the parasympathetic nervous system outward. And remember, I’m working on an orgasm training method that teaches this very thing, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter.
I know, I know… Other peolpe are going to suggest you do all the work here — add the “romance” back in, wear some lingerie, light candles, cook him a nice dinner, give him a massage to loosen him up to get him in the mood. This is all superficial bullshit. Your relationship needs true communication re-building, and that begins with honest dialogue, not pretending the problems away.
To begin this journey of healing, begin with yourself. To heal the relationship, you MUST sit him down, either just the two of you or with a counselor. You cannot save the sex or the relationship by yourself.
I most heartfully wish you well in this. And for more in-depth personalized advice, I also do consults via phone or Skype.
The male prostate is a gland about the size of a walnut located in the male anus.
The prostate creates prostatic fluid that mixes with sperm from the testicles to form ejaculate. Once aroused, the male prostate has a texture like that of a walnut, similar to how the female prostate takes on a ridged feeling when aroused. Moving your finger back and forth (i.e., wagging your finger, or like a windshield wiper), you should feel the two lobes of the prostate — the gland is bisected by the urethra running through the middle of the prostate, just as the urethra runs through the middle of the prostate in women.
The prostate can be accessed indirectly, from the outside at the “sweet spot” on the perineum, or directly, inside by using a finger or sex toy in the anus. Experimenting with your prostate does not make a man gay. In fact, anal play, prostate massage, and prostate milking can be a very delicious part of a heterosexual couple’s lovemaking, especially in the form of slow sex and sacred sex.
Also in Tantra, the male prostate is considered to be the emotional center for a man in regard to his genitals. More than a few men, who have allowed a partner to do prostate milking on them, claim the prostate orgasm is the strongest, most intense, most emotionally moving orgasm they have ever experienced.
Many men who do prostate massage on a regular basis cannot fathom going back to their old orgasms. Common testimonials for these men also include the prostate orgasm is a “soulgasm,” and opens their hearts to their partners in ways they could never imagine before.
As with any anal play, safety precautions should always be followed to prevent the transference of fecal bacteria from the anal area to other body areas.
Condoms should be used on any sex toy that is inserted, and fitted latex gloves or finger cots can be used on the fingers to avoid having to wash your hands before fingering yourself elsewhere or fingering/touching your partner, as well as to avoid getting bacteria in a cut on the fingers.
Use lots of lubricant and massage the external anal sphincter completely to warm up and stretch the skin before trying to enter the anus. Silicone lube seems to work best and last the longest, but it is notoriously difficult to clean up afterward. Also, silicone lube will degrade the latex of condoms, so use only water-based lubricant or natural, unscented massage oil if using latex condoms.
The prostate can be a delicate gland. Direct stimulation should be slow and gentle at first to see what kind of pressure you like. If there is any pain, STOP. If there is any blood in your ejaculate or urine, see your healthcare professional.
PLEASE LEAVE A REPLY with your questions or detailing YOUR experiences (men and women).
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Don’t get me wrong — I love ALL penises: circumcized penises, small penises, large penises, all of them. But some uncut men in the United States still have to deal with discrimination from partners who are unaccustomed to seeing, handling, or loving a natural, intact penis.
I recently saw a tortured comment from one uncut guy on Tumblr. He was so distraught by a girlfriend calling his natural penis “nasty,” he was seriously contemplating getting circumcized at his current age of 23 or 24. I was horrified — not only at the thought of an adult male choosing circumcision just to be considered “normal” in a culture that has no clue about what normal sexuality should be (i.e., not evil, not sinful, not shameful, not jackhammering a vagina), but this girlfriend then told all her friends about his “nasty” penis and he became the laughing stock of his friends and acquaintances — at a college, no less.
** Stepping up on soapbox: America’s Puritanical overlords and evangelical bullshit have so warped our culture, few people have a clue as to what is natural and beautiful… in penises, breasts, or vulva! And yes, I am one of those radical tree-huggers who views routine infant male circumcision and any female circumcision as aggravated sexual assault with a deadly weapon, with the perpetrators being culpable and deserving jail time. (Stepping down…) **
I have already had a few submissions, and while some are great, some are a bit lackluster — not for size or shape, but for the absolute disregard for ambiance!!! Jeez! Dudes! You’re taking pics of your penis for a woman!!! Why is the toilet in the background?!
So I’m laying out some Submission Guidelines.
- Photo must be of you and submitted by you, and YOU must be 21 years of age or older, regardless of where you live in the world.
- Photo must be a close-up of your penis and testicles, or of your body somewhere from your navel to above your knees, i.e., your face should not be in the pic.
- Multiple photos are permissible to show the way the foreskin moves/changes in different states: unaroused/natural, partially aroused, fully erect, etc. No cum shots will be posted (but you can send them anyway ).
- Photos should be taken in natural light with NO FLASH — using flash does NOT make your penis look inviting. (Sorry, but that’s the truth.) So take the pic near a window, outside in the woods or other place where you won’t be arrested for indecent exposure, etc.
- Higher resolution is better.
- Photo may be edited by me for size, color tone, etc.
- I HATE BLUE!!! So please don’t have anything blue in the picture.
- All men — straight, gay, bi — are more than welcome!
If in doubt as to tone and ambiance, PLEASE look at my Tumblr page. I adore sensuality. Crude porn shots is NOT what I’m looking for. I want to honor the male and the uncut penis.
Sumbit via email on the main ArousedWoman.com website.
P.S. Cut guys — feel free to send pics, too, and I’ll put them in a separate collage.
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I’m a 50 year-old straight (but bi-curious) male. I have been with my female partner for 5 years now and have been living with her for 4 years. I am in school 300 miles away. The past few months, while I have been here, I have talked to her about exploring her own sexuality — not an open relationship as I am not wanting that, just giving her the freedom to explore whatever desires she finds. I believe there is great healing in sexual freedom which is truly empowering. So, tomorrow night she has a ‘movie night’ with a friend of ours who has made it very clear he wants to fuck her. He is a good friend and the safe factor is one that cannot be ignored. I actually encouraged him to move ahead with pursuing her at my birthday party on Friday night! Can a person be able to feel true happiness at the thought of his partner not only having sex with a friend, but encouraging it and enjoying her pleasure by offering her the liberty to do so as she desires? I know the idea is so very exciting to me, but I don’t hear talk about this stuff in many places. I know I will be so very happy when she tells me all about it tomorrow night, I guess I am just looking to hear a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom while in a committed relationship, albeit a long distance one. Do you have any thoughts on this? I guess the bottom line is how deep does ‘control’ run in the male psyche?! I feel so un-male by being so seemingly un-normal! Would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’ or some other something else? Would this kind of freedom (for lack of a better term) be received as a negative by women?
A million thoughts are running through my head, many of which you may not like. So please accept my response with a grain of salt as it comes with a healthy dose of tough love. Since you’re in Canada, I’m too far away to give you the ass-kicking my Irish fire really wants to administer. Clearly, the misogyny of patriarchal culture is entrenched in the northern climes — which is sad since I’ve always heard Canadians were so nice.
I’ll address your male psyche first. You are not “un-manly” or “un-normal.” You are following your desires as a consenting adult. Neither a sexually repressed society nor antiquated, misogynist religion should be your barometer in pursuing adult relationships. However, these negative influences have shaped you as evidenced in your verbiage, which I purposely left whole so you could see your subconscious language patterns: “giving her the freedom,” “offering her the liberty,” “a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom,” “would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’”… What century are you living in?! And are you sure you don’t live in Arizona?
Whether this relationship you have with your woman is committed, casual, or even legally bound with a
prison sentence marriage license, she is a free, autonomous human being and can “fuck” or “make love” with whomever she chooses, and she doesn’t need your permission or your “giving” her the liberty and freedom from psychological slavery to pursue the physical and emotional needs of her own body, heart, and mind. Capiche?
I’ll get off my soap box because I know your intention is not to sound like a misogynist jerk. Your language is indicative of living in an oppressive patriarchal culture while your heart and spirit desperately want validation and freedom from that very oppression.
Clearly, you and your woman have great communication, for which I applaud you! While you say you don’t want an open relationship, you, in fact, have one. It could even be polyamory if the other partner(s) have emotional feelings as well. These types of relationships are not talked about in society for the same reason homosexual and bisexual relationships are still taboo — they threaten the hetero-patriarchal dynamic that limits relationships to male/female and institutionalizes the hierarchy of a superior male with an inferior female’s body and mind being owned by the male.
For me, I have sworn I would never do another long distance relationship because they’re expensive, annoying, and sexually frustrating. However, I have always thought that sex “in the meantime” is okay because we all have needs. The body wants sex. The heart wants love. You make accommodations when you can’t be with the one you love via abstinence, cheating, or an open relationship where both people understand there is a physical need that is separate from the emotional need — if that is an understanding that is right for the both of you.
For instance, if I were in a relationship with a soldier, knowing he or she will be gone for months or even longer than a year, I would tell them to have sex when they can with someone “safe,” i.e., don’t bring home any diseases. The body has needs and wants. So I’m perfectly fine with them having sex with a fellow soldier or “safe” partner while on deployment. Do what you need to do to make it through the day to stay alive and come home.
Some species mate for life while most of the earth’s inhabitants only have flings or “open” relationships for each mating season. Humans may choose monogamy or polyamory as dictated by their personal needs or spiritual/religious beliefs.
Polyamorous relationships are not fully understood or accepted by most monogamous people. The non-poly people don’t understand how two people in a committed relationship can be with others outside the relationship and not get jealous. Getting jealous is just not something in the make-up of polyamorous folks. This hippie/free-love notion of open acceptance and loving everyone is a threat to our competition-driven imperialistic society that thrives on conflict and profits from war. Polyamory will never be accepted as a mainstream lifestyle in the West until the oppressive overlords figure out how to make money off of it.
Back in my early 20′s, the theatre orgies I participated in were a revelation in how committed couples can explore their sexuality with friends — with their partner participating, watching, or exploring with someone else — and no one ever got jealous. Ever. There was no reason to get jealous because the desires and explorations were out in the open, as opposed to “cheating” behind a partner’s back. Exploring our bodies sexually had nothing to do with the love for a committed partner…. But that’s bohemian artists for you!
I have friends who have been in polyamorous relationships — a man and his female partner with another woman whose male partner was a prude. His jealousy of her need for the poly relationship put a damper on all four of them. So, James, embrace your open relationship, and revel in the level of communication you and your partner have because what you have is rare and wonderful!
You also have a voyeuristic side to you, and I’m sure you not only want to hear about the sex your partner is having with her friend/fling, but you probably wouldn’t mind sitting in the corner and watching, yes? If you’re turned on by watching your partner flirt, there’s no harm in that as long as both of you have that clear understanding. Problems arise when one partner wants things for the relationship that the other partner does not.
I would be interested to hear why, at the age of 50, you’re bi-curious and have never taken the plunge! Following your desires instead of living vicariously through your woman’s experiences with men might open a whole new world of sexual possibilities for your relationship. Being with two guys is as much a fantasy for a lot of women as being with two women is a dream for a lot of men.
You are normal. You are masculine. You and your partner are doing just fine, in my opinion. Keep up the wonderful communication between the two of you. Do let me know how ‘movie night’ went! Also, leave a comment if you have any more questions — and to tell me you forgive my tough love.
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Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20′s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years. In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis. I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times. I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this. I attached a picture just as a reference point. Thanks!
N., in Ohio
Thank you for such a great question! Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn. The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.
The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men! However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.
Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman. The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions. Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.
Girth is an entirely different issue. For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time. And your woman will have homework as well.
Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up. If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.
The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva. The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth. I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.
The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen. These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin. The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube. Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.
A great reason to switch to watching erotica is to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.” Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West. The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.
Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman. Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration. In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening. (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)
Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own. Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts. Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax. If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight. For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort. For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.
This is where lube plays an important role in sex. Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway. Friction sex hurts at the best of times. When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver. Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.
- Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
- Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina. If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed. If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
- Use lots of lube. Lots!
- Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
- Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
- Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
- Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
- Look at the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.
The woman’s homework:
- Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
- Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
- Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
- Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
- Push out on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
- Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
- Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.
So what if you do all this and sex still hurts? If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain. This can be helped with lots of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together. It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.
You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner. So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run. Also, I’ve just updated the Store page on the AW site, so look through the books and DVD’s to further your technique quest.
The important thing is that you do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner. Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with. With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.
I hope this has helped. Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!
* Read more AskTrish: AskTrish Posts *
* AskTrish a question: AskTrish *
Copyright 2012 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
It’s been said that every woman fakes orgasms at some point. Well, I’m here to tell you I never did. Never. I never had an orgasm during partnered sex, and I sure wasn’t going to fake it. I made sure the guy knew I wasn’t seeing god, or cosmic rainbows, or magickal unicorns just because his penis was inside me. He could deal with his ego later.
Recently, I read a particular, highly recommended book on cunnilingus but had a difficult time finishing it. The anatomic information was mostly good, but the male writer’s anecdotes about female orgasm were peppered with sexist, rude, even misogynist remarks I simply could not overlook. Having admitted that he was bad at sex and suffered with erectile issues, the author made the egregious comment that screamers and women who throw their heads back are “obvious” orgasm fakers.
I wanted to throw the book across the room, but unfortunately, I was at a restaurant. (Yes, I read sex books while eating… lunch.)
Women are complex creatures and are, thusly, capable of complex, varied types of orgasms. It only makes sense that the body and the face would have different corresponding reactions. Yes, I said body. Were you only watching her face?
For a traditional clitoral orgasm, the orgasm is localized to the clit/genital area. The woman’s torso will most likely crunch forward. The hips/pelvis will tuck or raise up off the bed. Her face will similarly be “crunched” into a look she wouldn’t really want to make otherwise: furrowed brow, gritting the teeth, even jutting the jaw forward. (I could go into my theory on why this is but I would have to bore you with vocal science and the pedagogy of phonation.)
A vaginal/She Spot orgasm tends to be a full-body wave type of orgasm that washes over the body but lacks the explosion of the clitoral orgasm. The woman’s mouth will be open, the jaw down and back, and she may moan differently because of it. Her head may tilt backward, and she may even arch her back. Please note the vagina has numerous spots capable of various kinds of pleasure and responses.
A blended orgasm that stems from both clitoral and vaginal/She Spot simulation is one of the most sought after orgasms because of its full-body wave effect coupled with the clit explosion. This orgasm can induce both crunching forward and wild hip motions, plus arching backward, head back, and delicious moaning.
Other types of orgasms include nipple O’s, cervical O’s, orgasms of the P-spot, the K-spot, the perineal sponge, urethral/urination orgasms, anal O’s, and anywhere else on the body that she is super sensitive to touch.
Of all the physically-based orgasms, the most intense, for me, personally, is the uterine orgasm. The uterine orgasm is brought on by stimulation of the cervix and A-Spot, coincidentally stimulating the prostate/She Spot at the same time. This results in a compulsory doubling over and emotional outburst — a true gut-wrenching thrashing usually accompanied by uncontrollable crying. Not pretty crying either. So the face of this orgasm is kind of like a nervous breakdown — a bit unnerving for onlookers but soul-shatteringly amazing to experience.
These signs are for physically-based orgasms that most people can do without much effort. Use plenty of lube, work the spots, communicate — not very difficult. However, energy-based orgasms cause the body to twist and contort in ways unimaginable.
Kundalini orgasms are known for inducing a sharp, sudden, involuntary arching of the back, in both women and men. While some men consider arching the back to be a “woman’s” type of orgasm, I like to think of this phenomenon as a “human being’s” orgasmic response. For Kundalini orgasms, the mouth may be wide open, deep moans being heard, while the head is bent so far back, you might think the woman is going into a gymnast’s backbend. All of this is involuntary. (And pretty frickin’ incredible!)
So what is the face of a woman who is having real orgasms? Not something she’d want posted in the church’s Sunday bulletin, that’s for sure. If the woman can, in any way, be considered to look “pretty,” she’s not having a real orgasm.
If she is crunching forward and her face looks as if she is somewhere between “really pissed off” and “warrior queen about to rip your limbs from your body,” then she’s probably having a real orgasm. If her head is back, her mouth open, and her brow slightly to fully furrowed, that’s a great sign of a real orgasm as well. When her arms fly up over her head, don’t be offended! This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hold on to you. Especially if her hands wind up behind her head, this is a great sign of a deep, powerful orgasm. (If you’ve read my DailyOJ, you know I can vouch for this effect.)
Her eyes may be open during clitoral orgasms, but for most other types of orgasms, her eyes will probably be closed. For myself, I’ve noticed my eyes shoot open at the onset of blended orgasms but then immediately close again through the rest of the climax/multiple orgasms. For Kundalini orgasms, my eyes are closed, head is all the way back, hands fly up over my head, and my body rocks-and-rolls side to side while my knees come up, then my legs kick out over and over again. (Just sayin’.)
You decide: Which one is faking and which one is real?
Along with the facial contortions or the gaping jaw and arching back, her skin will become flush due to increased blood flow, her nipples may be so perky they’re reaching for the ceiling, and her hips (hell, most of her body) will be moving involuntarily. For energy orgasms, she will probably be rockin’-and-rollin’ side to side with extra contractions and rolling through her abdominals, not just crunching forward or arching backward as during physical orgasms.
If she can speak in complete sentences, or is constantly reassuring your ego, she might be faking for your benefit. If her words are incoherent and grabbing at you is her only primal form of communication, then you might be on the right track — to helping her orgasm.
More importantly, don’t be so visual. This isn’t porn. This is a real, live woman. You need to feel her reactions. When a woman is close to orgasm, especially if any clitoral stimulation has been done, the clitoral bulbs that form a “horseshoe” over and around the vaginal opening expand with blood flow, just as the penis expands with blood flow during arousal. This feels like a vice-grip clamping down on your penis.
(Side note: My asshole ex-husband used to tell me he didn’t like the vice-grip feeling because it made him start to lose his erection… so that’s probably why I never orgasmed with him.)
Remember, guys. You cannot “make” a woman orgasm. Orgasm begins and ends in the woman’s mind — not just her brain. Stimulate her mind first and the body will follow suit. In fact, the face and body will tell you everything if your sexual relationship is rooted in honest communication.
What does your face look like in orgasm? Send me a picture, and I just might post it!
With all the hullabaloo over stupid men being … well… stupid… (*see this post and this post… and well, maybe this post, too*). I am thankfully reminded that not all penised persons are cads and misogynists.
After a long day battling for vagina rights on the Twitterwebz, an ArousedWoman reader sent me a lovely comment about his own orgasmic awakening thanks to reading some of my posts — my “Allowing and Receiving” post, specifically.
I’m not taking credit for his orgasm success (okay, well, I’d love to!), but really it’s about him shedding some of the patriarchal bullshit and cultural stereotypes of sex and orgasm. Divesting himself of aiming for a pre-determined goal has opened up his body and his mind to new realizations in arousal and the orgasmic response(s).
Okay, so I’m totally interjecting my perspective on his experience, but here is what he first wrote in about experiencing a soulgasm(!!!), and below is what he said today.
I love ending the night on a good note.
From OM to KSMO to my personal experiences I recount in my DailyOJ, AW is gaining more readers and more Twitter followers every single day. Readers are writing in to tell me how reading this blog has helped them, and even men have reported new kinds of orgasms because they implemented some of my advice.
Below are a few examples of how Aroused Woman is making awesome changes in people’s sex lives and relationships. And I am so very honored to be a part of it.
1 – those who are completely unaware of an issue so their apathy is due to ignorance…
2 – those who are aware of the issues but have been drinking the Kool-aid too long to see the rights violations right in front of them…
Or in this case, in their pants.
Last night on Facebook, I updated my status with this:
“My thoughts on FGM & Male Circumcision: Any body modification not fully consented to by the person on whom it is being done is straight up EVIL & being perpetrated by ASSHOLES.”
After yet another exhibition of my Irish gift of being blunt, an interesting discussion followed by friends who, of course, feel similarly. I went on to say:
“Any change to the body is the basic human right of THAT PERSON to make a change to the body. Especially when this isn’t a life-threatening situation. Circumcision in 1st world countries is done out of habit more than educated knowledge that it is a religious act — and since many white Americans proudly claim to be Christian, why the hell do they do this to their babies? (Though I think brainwashing a child in any one religion is also heinous, but that’s another convo.)… Many people do not realize that baby boys die from male circumcision, just as some girls die from FGM. Female Genital Mutilation is the definition of barbaric & misogynist.
“P.S. I refused to cut my daughter’s hair until SHE was ready to have her hair cut. Most people see the hair as dead, but it isn’t — not from a spiritual perspective (and no, I’m not Indian)… I gave [her] her first haircut on her 5th birthday, and her ears were pierced 5 years later. Her body. Her choices.”
One enlightened friend wrote about male circumcision:
“It’s traumatic to babies, it’s dangerous, and so unnecessary. The argument “so he’ll look like his father” makes me want to fight! If Dad was missing a finger, would we chop one of baby’s fingers off too? And then there’s the rampant sexual dysfunction caused by corneated glanses that guys have to beat the crap out of in order to get off.”
Then there was one comment that left me with my jaw hanging open as disgust and dismay ran through my bloodstream.
One commenter wrote:
“FGM is a sin (if you are a believer in such) and a crime against nature, but male circumcision is no biggie. It actually has proponents in the medical field who make good arguments for it.”
While I love it when people agree with me, the only time I can truly create change is when I’ve reached someone whose ideology is different (read: narrow-minded and uneducated). So my response is thus:
- No, I don’t believe in sin. “Sin” is a carefully crafted construct of religious propaganda to steer the masses into doing its bidding, which usually entails keeping the rich, white guys wealthy and in control. (Where have I heard that before?)
- Circumcision IS a “biggie” to the innocent baby on whom this violation is being perpetrated.
- The so-called medical proponents must be operating under the delusion of religious brainwashing, socio-cultural conditioning, or being highly compensated to keep spouting these “medically necessary” lies regarding male circumcision.
Circumcision as we know it is a practice of the Abrahamic religions, namely Judaism and its spin-offs Christianity and Islam. As with many aspects of the Jewish faith, Judaism was heavily influenced by the religious practices and ideologies of Ancient Egypt, which is known to have practiced circumcision on adult men who chose to be circumcised as part of their initiation into the priests’ order.
Because of the spread of these religions outside their indigenous Middle Eastern origins, the brutal practice of shearing the foreskin off a newborn’s penis has gone global. However, not every country under these religious delusions practices male circumcision.
The proponents for male circumcision offer little medical evidence that it is actually “necessary.” Also, I would rather trust the body’s inherent intelligence that it has a foreskin because it serves a purpose — to the boy who will become a man. Granted, I don’t know why we still have an appendix, but I do know why my clitoris has a hood — the same reason the male version of the clit, the glans penis, also has a hood.
Proponents for male circumcision also offer the ridiculous argument that boys want to “look like their father.” Was the father circumcised later in his life when he was old enough to make an educated, informed decision based on his personal preference to have the foreskin removed? Likely not. The father was probably circumcised as an infant as well, without his consent.
Those who say circumcision prevents AIDS and HIV transmission are also not getting the whole picture. Plenty of circumcised men in America have HIV or AIDS. The lack of foreskin didn’t prevent the spread of the sexually transmitted disease. Here’s an article from the University of Oxford regarding medical studies supposedly supporting male circumcision.
Essentially, the issue of male circumcision is one of basic Human Rights, that a person has the basic right to choose what happens to her or his body. No one should be allowed to make such a permanent change to a person’s body without their consent.
Informed consent is crucial because of the medical and sexual ramifications, including permanent physical damage to the penis, the urethra, as well as the psychological repercussions as the child grows up.
What if the government passed a law that all baby boys must have their pinky amputated? Or their left ear? Or their nose? Would you willingly submit your newborn child to this just because the government said to? I doubt it. But parents willingly subject their baby boy to having a part of his anatomy amputated just because of a tradition from a Middle Eastern religion and/or American cultural conditioning?
I absolutely think there should be legislation prohibiting circumcision since there are fanatics who will keep enacting this barbarity on baby boys UNLESS legislation bans circumcision. If someone cut a slice out of my daughter, that act is punishable by law with prison time because it is aggravated assault and endangering the welfare of a minor. But circumcision is okay?! NO!
Others would say that banning circumcision violates the parents’ First Amendment freedom of religion. Then what about the baby’s fundamental First Amendment right to Freedom FROM his parents’ religion — to remain a whole human being?
But I’m a female. What would I know about wanting to preserve a person’s right to choose what happens to their body?
Here are some facts from the wonderful website, IntactAmerica:
- Risks include infection, hemorrhage, scarring, difficulty urinating, loss of part or all of the penis, and even death.
- The amount of skin removed in a typical infant circumcision is the equivalent of 15 square inches in an adult male.
- No professional medical association in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world recommends routine circumcision as medically necessary.
- Most medically advanced nations do not practice child circumcision. Three quarters of the world’s men are intact.
- The foreskin is actually an important and functional body part, protecting the head of the penis from injury and providing moisture and lubrication. Circumcision also diminishes sexual pleasure later in life.
- Claims that circumcision prevents HIV have repeatedly been proven to be exaggerated or false.
- Whatever the rationale, forced removal of healthy genital tissue from any child – male or female – is unethical. Boys have the same right as girls to an intact body, and to be spared this inhumane, unnecessary surgery. (Okay, I threw this one in because of its comparison to Female Genital Mutilation.)
Source: IntactAmerica.org, “The Facts Behind Circumcision”
I can only surmise that the men who are pro-circumcision are circumcised themselves (and the women who are pro-circ have only been with circumcised partners), and the thought of a “different”-looking penis is too weird for them to accept what is natural. Or the circumcised men feel jealous that they might be missing out on sexual pleasure, so they want all men to miss out on sexual pleasure, perpetuating this basic Human Rights violation on these innocent children.
No one can undo the past, so if you’re a man who is circumcised, please don’t feel jealous. Sexual pleasure is an energy, and incredible sexual pleasure can be learned without the need for genital stimulation at all.
Just as women need to speak out for women’s rights, men need to speak out against male circumcision. The voice being heard has to come from the gender being violated. But know, we women are here to support you in ending this heinous practice of non-consensual circumcision just as we know you guys are here to support us in our fight to keep control over our bodies.
Male circumcision IS a “biggie.” Circumcision is a Human Rights violation that scars the male in more ways than just physically. If need be, let’s get Congress to enact legislation to prohibit male circumcision. It is the individual male’s right to choose what happens to his body.
(*In response to a query about an incident on the KSMO forum with an immature male who was jealous of my multiple orgasm capabilities and called my journey “pointless.” *)
(To the querent) I’m sorry if I sounded harsh, that wasn’t my intent. I just wanted out of that negative energy (with the immature male) immediately. To have my sexual, sensual, orgasmic journey belittled and called “pointless” is just rude and misogynist.
My point was that women’s journey to multiple orgasms will ALWAYS be different than men’s. And if being different, and embracing the difference, and enjoying our different journeys is discounted, then women and men will never be able to openly communicate about sexual matters.
So my women’s activism self came to the fore. It wasn’t so much about me, but that any woman who reads those comments of that chat will think she shouldn’t post on KSMO about her journey. However, because the KSMO forum is Jack’s playground and not mine, I tried to be civil — when I really wanted to go flaming ballistic!
These young guys are all ego and misinformation from porn, movies’ sex scenes, magazine sex quizzes, and locker room bullshit. They combine their immature frat-boy mentality with their ridiculous jealousy over women’s ability to have multiple orgasms, completely oblivious to the difficult journey most women travel to be orgasmic at all, much less experience multiples. They seem to forget that they, the men, can indeed enjoy multiple orgasms, too. But hating on women and women’s bodies seems to be a recurrent theme in the 2012 #WarOnWomen. And yes, dealing with these assholes does make me wonder why I’m not a full-time lesbian.
This repeated experience of immature 20- and 30-something males verbally attacking me in the KSMO forum and chatroom because I’m a vocal proponent of furthering accurate, honest knowledge of female sexuality was partly the impetus of me starting my Aroused Woman activist site and this blog. So maybe some good came out of an otherwise distasteful and unwarranted situation (again).
Aroused and fighting,
The myths about female orgasm, particularly female multiple orgasms, have been perpetuated in modern culture with the rise of easily accessible porn. Separating the real O’s from the fake is not an easy task. What we need is more honest conversation about orgasm, how we reach it, why we want, and what we want out of it.
I saw the following on the “I Love Female Orgasm” website and just had to share. (Wonder if they’ll let me have a speaking gig? Hmmm…)
- Average length of time it takes a woman to have an
orgasm: 20 minutes. Average length of time it takes a man: 2-5 minutes.
- Half of girls have had an orgasm by the time they’re 16 years old.
- 44% of men say their female partners always have orgasms when they have sex. Whereas, 22% of women say they always have orgasms when they have sex. (Note: Can we say “contradiction”?!)
- About 1% of women are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast
- 63% of college women say they’ve had multiple orgasms.
I do think younger women have more information about female anatomy and sex positions than their mothers did, so I’m not surprised to see so many college women have had multiple orgasms. And considering most of them grew up post-Clinton sex scandal, they grew up hearing the words “oral sex” on the evening news. But the statistic doesn’t say during partnered sex. Even as late as 2002, studies report 75% of women have never orgasmed during partnered sex — I am one of those.
I also find it interesting to note the disparity between what men report of their partners’ orgasms and what the women report. Either the women are faking orgasms, then lying about having one, or the men are too clueless to tell a real orgasm from a When-Harry-Met-Sally spectacle. If only 44% of men say their partner has orgasmed during sex, then 56% of men either don’t know how to bring their female partner to orgasm or they’ve watched too much porn and don’t know a real orgasm when they see it. But don’t worry, guys. That’s why I’m here.
For the 1% of women who orgasm through breast stimulation alone, YAY! I’m finally in the 1% — in the rest of my life, I’m still in the 99% (yes, that’s an Occupy Wall Street reference).
I just thought this info was apropos to the discussions we’ve been having of late.
Aroused and counting,
I hate working my abs, which is why I never do. I do consciously engage them when I’m doing everyday things, when I lift something, or ride my bike. And I’ve become more purposely conscious of how my torso moves during sexual arousal and through orgasms (as much as I’m able to think). Sometimes I focus more on my abs, other times, I’m concentrating on my glutes during sex. Hey, it’s all exercise, right?
Coregasm is the pleasurable phenomenon of experiencing an orgasm while doing abdominal workouts, particularly exercises that engage the lower abs. Coregasm has been a hush-hush delight in the “gym rat” world, but word is getting out, and women around the country are now racing each other to get the Roman Chair machine before someone else does.
This ab/orgasm seems to hit after having done a few sets of lower ab work, when you’re near muscle failure. Some women have full-on orgasms while others experience intense arousal, still others report zaps of excitement. Even better, men report experiencing this kind of orgasm as well!
The lower abs are the abdominal muscles below the belly button. They are hard to isolate without falling into the trap of engaging the legs, hip flexors, glutes, or arching the lower back. However, several exercises that target these orgasmic tummy muscles are easy to do at home.
Aroused and crunching,