I was wondering, what is it supposed to feel like when somebody touches your clit? I have heard it’s supposed to bring a good feeling but not in my case. When my boyfriend touches my clit, I get a really intense kinda uncomfortable feeling. It doesn’t feel bad or hurt but it definitely doesn’t feel good either. And it’s not something I look forward to. My bf always wants to touch it but even if I let him, I stop him after a couple secs cuz it feels intense and uncomfortable. Is this normal?
So much to address here!
Let me assure you that pain or discomfort is never “normal” for any kind of sex ever. No kind of sex (vaginal or anal) or touch or penetration should EVER be painful. EVER. (Okay, that wasn’t exactly your question, but I just want to reiterate that for the readers.) What is “normal” touch sensation for you will be different for someone else, so my “normal” will be different from yours. My “normal” now that I’m extremely in touch with my body will be very different from the “normal” that is “normal” for a female just starting to explore her body. So without knowing your age (18+), your sexual experience, any previous trauma, how you touch yourself, and how he specifically touches you, there’s no way I can guess what would be “normal” for you. But I can say that not-quite-pain, not-quite-pleasure feeling is common at first. So let’s look at this bit by bit.
The external clitoris is literally the tip of the iceberg! Most of the clitoris is inside the body, with several inches of innervated erectile tissue that expands and zings with sensation during arousal. Those inches of erectile tissue that men have hanging outside their body, a.k.a. the penis, is synonymous with the inches of erectile tissue women have; ours is just inside us.
The tip of the clit, that little nub we can see, is technically called the glans, just like the tip of the penis is called the glans. The tip of the clit is usually protected by the clitoral hood, which is synonymous with the penile foreskin. With around 8,000 nerve endings, the clitoral glans is VERY sensitive to touch. In fact, if you can see the tip, the clit is actually in the non-erect state; but that doesn’t mean she’s not enjoying herself — she probably is! Nearing climax, the clit will seem to “disappear” into the fleshy folds of the vulva; but she’s not retreating from touch, she’s actually getting a full erection on! This is usually when “vigorous” touch can be exquisite.
The clitoral body can be stimulated externally by (gently) pressing on the mons pubis area or internally via various fingering and stroking techniques inside the vagina. (Reminder: the female prostate is on the anterior wall of the vagina and is a different anatomical structure.) When a woman is nearing climax, there is often a “vice grip” clench at the opening of the vagina; these are the clitoris’ vestibular bulbs near the entrance. The clit is actually quite extensive and complex, comprised of 18 distinct parts. Your clit is MUCH MORE than just the nub on the outside!
But let’s remember, those are 8,000 plugged-in nerve endings. Touching them before they are ready to receive pleasure input can feel awkward or even painful. Since you sound like a young adult, I’m going to assume your boyfriend is the overly eager type who just wants to start pawing at your body (perhaps because that’s what he’s seen in porn, or he may be new to all this as well). This is NEVER okay. The man NEVER touches you anywhere unless YOU are ready to be touched. You’ll know when your clit is begging to be touched, and if he doesn’t touch you properly or is clumsy, you have the right to tell him how to touch you. It sounds like you are willing to stand up for yourself, and that is great! You have complete autonomy over your body.
Here’s were I have to interject yet another consequence of circumcision. If your man is circumcised, he may be accustomed to needing “rough” stimulation due to keratinization (callousing of skin) on his penis glans. If your man is not circumcised, explain to him that touching your clit with little or no prior arousal is like someone yanking his foreskin back and going straight for the underside of his penis glans. This can be very uncomfortable for the intact man! No one likes too much sensation too soon, which is what it sounds like you’re experiencing from your boyfriend.
Keep in mind, there is a reason the female needs to be fully aroused before going for the clit or the vagina. From a Tantra perspective, the woman and the man have positive and negative poles, like on a magnet. For the woman, the positive pole is the heart chakra, home to her heart and her breasts, with the negative pole being the genitals. For the man, the positive pole is his root/sex chakra, home to his penis and testicles, with the negative pole being his heart chakra. Biologically, the woman needs 15 to 30 minutes of dedicated arousal, or as I like to call it — puja (worship :-) ) to prepare the vagina for sex. The same way a singer has to warm up before performing, think of this time as necessary preparation — fun, delicious preparation for continued, evolving, expanding, rapturous ecstasy. Therefore, this time allows the woman’s body, especially the genitals, to become ready to receive touch and penetration and pleasure. It’s no coincidence that focus on the woman’s heart chakra would be key. Not only does it stimulate the woman emotionally, but a woman’s nipples are wired directly to her clit. Breast puja = a turned on, horny clit. Any man who doesn’t want to commit 15 minutes of breast/sensual touch puja isn’t worth your time.
This 15 minute warm-up doesn’t have to be solely focused on the breasts. Any sensual touch and massage will awaken the subtle body. This includes kissing, nibbling, caressing, talking, laughing. Once the woman is ready for more direct touch, the woman can allow the man to begin with touch and kisses on the insides of her thighs, the outer labia, the mons pubis — basically, loving all the way around the clit until you are ready for more. As you become more experienced and more familiar with your body’s responses, you may not need this much time. In fact, when you are able to stay in an aroused state — recognize that orgasm is an energy field you can slip into any time you want, you may not need much prep touching at all. Just thinking of your man will send your spine arching back into orgasm and your clit throbbing for touch! (In time, you’ll learn how to control this response when you’re in public, like shopping at the grocery story or the library. :-D )
Keep in mind, physical climax is different from energy orgasms. Men often confuse ejaculation (climax) with orgasm. These are two separate functions: ejaculation is a physical reflex of the sympathetic nervous system, while orgasm is a response via the parasympathetic nervous system. Since men need less time to get aroused and ready for penetration, they tend to focus on the end, rather than enjoying the journey. (Another horrible legacy of standard porn, too.) Just like for the woman, this arousal time is also a time of breathing and relaxing for the man. When your mind and/or body is stressed, pleasure can be elusive. Take your time to get warmed up and totally invested in your body’s journey to pleasure. There is plenty of time to get hot and heavy — once you’re BOTH aroused to the point of a crazed fuck-for-all.
Note: This initial phase of arousal is usually called “foreplay”, a term I despise since it places the importance of the sexual experience on “sex” which is usually defined by the penetration, i.e., when the penis enters the vagina. This devalues the woman and the woman’s biological needs of arousal in order to accept a penis (or toy) without pain. So I do not use the term foreplay. Puja is my personal preference. Puja, the idea of honoring the person and their body, also puts respect back into the sensual, sexual experience, in my opinion.
You should know, Anon, that it takes time to get to know your clit and the rest of your sexual anatomy. And you should spend a lot of time with her — just you and her. This way you get to know how she likes to be touched, without the pressure of a panting, horny Lothario rushing you and making you feel uncomfortable or not “normal”. Masturbation is a beautiful way to honor yourself (self-puja) and learn about yourself and your body. Through masturbation, she won’t feel so foreign to you, and you will begin to integrate her into your body and your overall sexual being-ness.
After you are more familiar with your body, show your boyfriend how you like to be touched. Masturbate in front of him, but he can’t help you — he needs to watch and learn. (He can help later on.) More often than not, a lighter, gentler touch is needed at first. In fact, once your body is awakened, you might even have labia-gasms and sheet-gasms. Hard touch is usually ONLY desired at the absolute height of passion and usually NEVER at the beginning of a love-making session. When your clit is really ready, you’ll know because you’ll start looking for things to hump. If you start eyeing the arm of the sofa with lust, that’s usually a good sign your clit needs some determined lovin’.
Recap of what we covered:
1 – Learn your clit’s likes and dislikes via masturbation; then when you’re ready, it’s show-and-tell time to teach your man.
2 – Female and male sexual anatomy are synonymous, for the most part. Some things are similar to both the woman and the man, so teaching the man about the woman’s anatomy will help him understand how your body responds.
3 – Prior arousal is required for pleasure. As you become more experienced, you may not need as much prep-time, but for now, insist on at least 15 minutes of sensual touch on other parts of your body to get your clit primed for touch.
4 – To learn various touch techniques for the clit, look through some of the videos and info here where the clit rules and men are glad to offer puja to a woman’s body (or willingly lie back and let the woman drive the orgasm train).
Feel free to leave a comment, especially if you want to offer more info so we can be more specific.
Thanks so much for trusting me with your clit. :-)
Tonight on ArousedWoman Radio with Trish Causey, Intact America’s leading voice, Georganne Chapin, stops by to discuss the medical and ethical reasons against routine infant circumcision (RIC).
Non-consensual circumcision is a violation of a child’s basic human right to body autonomy. However, religion and culture have made circumcision so common in some countries, the right of the child is not even considered or respected. Female genital mutilation is illegal in most countries because it is barbaric, yet male circumcision is still allowed and even touted as a prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.
Circumcision of boys removes the foreskin, the natural protective layer of skin on the penis glans, of the naturally intact penis, severing 15,000 to 20,000 nerves. For the adult male, this translates to losing about 15 square inches of skin and losing sensation in the penis tip due to keratinization.
Dangers of circumcision include the following:
- Death of the child
- Painful and/or prolonged healing
- Subsequent surgeries to repair initial botched circumcision
- Damage to child neurologically, emotionally, as well as psychologically
- Erectile dysfunction as an adult
We will also cover the financial aspect of circumcision and why some doctors, hospitals, and labs profit from RIC as well as the cosmetic companies that use cells from severed foreskins in their cosmetic products.
If you are a man who has suffered from the effects of circumcision or a parent who regrets circumcising your child, PLEASE call in and have your voice heard!
Tune in at 9:00 p.m. ET and call in with questions or comments! For U.S. residents, call (347) 884-8792. International listeners can call in via Skype, just click the Skype icon by the phone number on the tonight’s LIVE show page. All listeners can post in the online chat room on the LIVE show page.
- OpEd: ‘Male Circumcision Is No Biggie’
- Anatomy: #TeamUncut Intact Natural Penis Collage for #ForeskinFriday (21+ NSFW)
- Sex with Uncircumcised Men
- OpEd: The Activist’s Guide to Putting Aside Our Differences to Fight for Our Differences
- NEWS: ACLU Chapter in California Seems to Bully Anti-Circumcision Intactivists
As the host of Musical Theatre Talk, I did a LOT of shows on the voice. The one show I never got to do — because I had listeners of all ages, was a show on how the voice is affected by sex, the sounds we make and even the sounds we don’t.
On the show, “Sex & the Voice,” Master voice teacher and voice researcher Jeannette LoVetri will elucidate on the anatomy of the voice as well as what happens to the voice when making certain sounds during sex. We will also cover what can happen to the voice when we try to stifle sounds so as not to be heard by neighbors or others in our home (or elsewhere) during trysts.
We will discuss how the effects of sexual trauma can inhibit sound production during consensual sex.
Some of the topics we talked about included the following:
- Basic anatomy of larynx.
- Sound production during sex — from glottal stops to moaning to yelling in ecstasy. What is healthy for the voice? What could damage the voice?
- What happens when we purposely do NOT use the voice during pleasure? Is there any damage from stifling sound?
- The damage to the voice/throat area due to certain sex fetishes such as choking partner during orgasm.
- Using sound to raise sexual energy, such as in Tantra and Kundalini.
- How sexual trauma inhibits sound during sex/making love.
Wrong. I have ONE cause — Human Rights. All other rights issues stem from this central trunk of the rights and issues’ family tree. Women’s rights, LGBT, genital integrity, workers’ rights, children’s rights, and more — ALL are branches of the primary concept that roots us in our basic right to self-determination, autonomy, and our humanity.
Today provided a perfect example of how different experiences color our activism. Usually, this is a good thing, but occasionally, our pain from our own experiences clouds our words, resulting in our message devolving into a war of emotion. It becomes a contest of “my pain is greater than your pain” — a competition no one wins.
My morning started with me checking my Facebook and Twitter while I made breakfast as I hurried my daughter to get up, get ready for school, and catch the bus.
I try not to spend all day on Twitter, but tomorrow’s Full Moon seems to have kicked up people’s crazy cycles a day early.
First, on Facebook, I responded to a friend’s comment about his neighbors’ loud sex last night. As the conversation progressed to sex positions (okay, I brought it up), I mentioned that the reason the original missionary position is the only position ever condoned by the Catholic church was because it provides the least pleasure for the woman. It puts the man in the superior, stronger, aggressive position while the woman is inferior, at the mercy of the man, and passive and submissive. Another chick chimed in saying some women “love to be ‘conquered.'” As a woman who has spent most of my life fighting NOT to be conquered by men, I disagreed, but I did not linger since I had to get some real work done.
I spent a couple hours working my day-job (Thursdays are a day-off for me), and what followed was an entire day on social media in one activist role or another. And I have preserved some of those exchanges in the photo gallery below. (To view them at full size, click the box on the lower right of your screen.)
The second round of today’s activism started out simple enough — me talking about orgasms, specifically, mine, and how I cry when I orgasm. I followed that with a comment that men crying during orgasm is perfectly natural. Twitter being a public forum, a random guy jumped in the convo with a rude comment ridiculing how it would look with a “he man blowing his load and crying.” This began a series of tweets back and forth as I tried to explain that a man crying during orgasm is perfectly natural. After all, men are human beings, and human beings have feelings.
Apparently, men are still not allowed to be full human beings in our society.
The third and most exasperating exchange occurred with a man who, it turns out, is also an activist — an intactivist, to be precise. An intactivist is someone who fights for ending all circumcision — on males and females — because genital mutilation is a human rights violation of a child’s bodily autonomy and is sexual assault on the child. This guy had tweeted the following comment:
“The sexual urges of women in our society are more important than the pain of a baby boy.”
After a morning of hearing that some women want to be conquered, men who cry are not masculine, and a few other ridiculous notions that are proof positive our society is still sexually repressed and almost entirely mentally unbalanced, I could not sit by and let this tweet go without standing up for women’s right to be sexual and not be shamed for it. Did I do it the right way? Could I have handled myself better? Should I have called him a moron so many times? Maybe. Maybe not.
The thought I had toward the end of this Twitter war (that lasted over a couple hours) is that this guy is reacting and projecting because of his own pain with his circumcision. Just as I possibly was too harsh in earlier altercations today.
Hearing a woman wants to be conquered made me think back to when I was molested as a kid, my rape when I was 21, and my Steubenville-esque experience. Talking about the horribly unsatisfactory missionary position brought to mind my own status as one of the 70% of women who has never orgasmed during sex — a statistic for which I still feel shame for myself and anger at my partners for not caring enough about me to ensure I had pleasure, too. It reignited my distaste for the porn industry that created a caricature of women as hyper-orgasmic nymphomaniac slut-bunnies — as opposed to erotica that presents sex and sexuality in a beautiful, honorable way.
I was reminded yet again of the hundreds of thousands — if not millions — of women who have been raped, tortured, killed outright, and burned at the stake by the Christian church who has feared women’s sexual power since Peter stole the church’s high seat from Mary Magdalene. As a pagan witch doing research for my stage writings, I spent years reading witch trial transcripts, scouring historical documents of witch hunters, Inquisitors, and missionaries in Europe and in colonial America who were obsessed with exorcising the natural sexuality of women. This does not include the women who were beaten, raped, and killed for wanting the right to vote, or the right to fight alongside men in the modern military. Too many thoughts and memories swarmed in my mind.
Hearing that a man can’t cry when he experiences pleasure infuriated me because so much of our patriarchal, imperial, testosterone-driven culture still carries the gender-role prejudices of religion and hierarchical misogyny and misandry that does a disservice to women and men.
Today’s activism was about shame. And pain. And how, even when we mean well, speaking up for one issue cannot happen at the expense of demeaning other people who are probably also in pain. After all, the oppressive culture that says mutilating a child’s genitals is okay is the same repressive culture that says a woman is to blame for her rape because of how she was dressed, or two people cannot love each other because they’re the same gender.
I’ve been a grassroots activist for 27 years, and I’ve seen in-fighting in every single rights group I’ve ever worked with — religious rights, American Indian rights, LGBT rights, women’s rights. Who’s a real witch? Who’s a real Indian? Bisexuals aren’t really discriminated against. Women don’t need full body autonomy or equal pay. Conservative Democrats aren’t real Democrats. And it’s all bullshit.
My motto has always been, “Human Rights are non-negotiable.”
I love that there are so many of us, each working in a niche that is important to us. Yet, that does not mean one corner of activism outweighs another. We can’t all work for all causes at all times. We have to split up into different groups to cover all the bases. Remember that equality does not mean we are the same, but rather, though we may be different, we are of the same value as human beings. Our human rights family tree is rooted in and celebrates our differences, with roots deep in the soil of our humanity, echoing the ancient axiom, “As above, so below.”
However, if you only care about one group who is hurt or exploited and not another, then you’re not working for rights issues, you’re a special interest asshat who is no better than the elitist oppressors who mock human rights activism while making fortunes off the masses’ suffering.
So I may not know the full extent of pain that another person has experienced, just as they won’t know the full extent of mine. But we can try to listen better. We can forgo the pain-game and stick to the work at hand. Don’t allow the oppressors’ need to stuff us into boxes and categories or divide us into opposing sides hinder our work of coming together and doing the work.
We are better than that. Do the work. Be the Change.
We Are All Connected.
- NEWS: Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation
- OpEd: ‘Male Circumcision Is No Biggie’
- Anatomy: #TeamUncut Intact Natural Penis Collage for #ForeskinFriday (21+ NSFW)
- OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: Is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not?
- DailyOJ 01-26-13, Part 2: The Fear of Intimacy
- OpEd: America’s Love/Hate Relationship with Breasts
© 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
If you know me, you know I cover New York’s Broadway theatre for a living, doing write-ups for shows, reviewing shows and cast albums, and hosting my own radio show, Musical Theatre Talk, on which I chat with Tony Award winners, Bway designers, and composers — I’ve even covered the Tonys! I do all this from Mississippi…. Yes, Mississippi…. How?…. I’m damn good at what I do…. (And I occasionally fly to New York.)
But there are other things you may not know about me….
In 1994, I discovered a quirky independent Australian film entitled Strictly Ballroom. Almost 20 years later, Strictly Ballroom remains in my list of Top 10 Best Films of all time.
The basic tenet of the film is a quote, supposedly of Spanish Romani origin, that goes, “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.” I have taken this quote and sentiment as the “theme” for 2013 as well as for my updated website, and my continued activism on my “secret” blog that I sort of kept from my “respectable friends” because it deals with subject matters too indelicate for polite company.
For the past year, since starting my “secret” blog, I have lived in fear of what others would think — that they would shun me, rumors would start, and I would be all alone in the big, scary world.
What the FUCK was I thinking?!
Of course, I’ll be shunned. Of course, people will talk. THIS has been the one constant in my life — being the black sheep of the family, having family and so-called friends disown me for being truthful to myself and living that truth in the open, standing up for what I believe in, speaking out for other people’s rights as well as my own. Why the hell would I be surprised for people to abandon me now?!
The fear began at age 9 when I was molested by a neighbor, a teenage girl down the street. She knew how to get me to keep silent — she threatened to tell my mother. My mother was an evil bitch, a Catholic zealot, dependent victim, and recreational martyr. I wasn’t sure what was being done to me, but somehow, my mother was bound to twist it to being my fault. That threat — that fear of being shunned by those who were supposed to love me — had lived with me for years, well into adulthood.
At 21, I was raped. (No, Republicans, it was not your definition of “legitimate rape.” It was just date-rape, just me being violated in my home by someone I knew well, which I know doesn’t really count to you as “rape-rape” even though 80% of reported rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, not the stereotypical boogey-man.) Again, I lived in fear of others finding out, of being shunned and ridiculed by those who were supposed to love me, so I didn’t tell anyone — not one person, not even the police.
Since I was 13, I’ve spoken out on many things in regards to human rights and civil rights — sometimes in regard to how it applied to me as a woman, a bisexual, a heathen pagan. Mostly, however, I’ve fought for human rights on the macrocosmic scale — I’ve fought for the principal of the basic right of <__insert human rights issue here__>.
This time last year, something happened within me, and I could no longer keep all of this inside. I created my “secret” website and blog that I absolutely love writing. Yet, I lived in fear that if my family found out, I would lose the last of my family who still talk to me… and worse yet, my activism for women’s rights, women’s body autonomy, women’s sexual health, and my own personal journey in healing from sexual abuse would be used against me by my soon-to-be ex-husband to take my child away from me…. I repeat… I’m in Mississippi… not New York….
A few days ago, while looking ahead to running for public office and knowing my “secret” blog would become public knowledge, I began to update my personal website. For some reason, the quote from Strictly Ballroom resounded in my head: “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.”
As happy as I am in my life as a single mom, a writer, an activist, a dreamer, I still lived in fear — which meant my life was not really my own. My fear still controlled me.
I knew then that I will no longer live in fear of losing people from my life. People who shun me for being an open, honest, and unapologetic loudmouth activist are missing out on one hell of a person in their lives. Their shunning says more about them than me. In fact, today on Twitter, I saw this quote in someone’s bio: “If you judge me, you don’t define me. You define yourself.”
So, here goes…. I’m coming out of the blogger and activist closet to let everyone know about my site and blog, ArousedWoman.com. (Begin shunning now….)
“Arouse” means “to stir to action, to awaken.” To me, this perfectly summed up my activism and the awakening I was experiencing on so many levels. A year of secret blogging later, I am proud to say I have a small following of readers — okay, they’re a fabulous fan-base whom I love dearly.
Here’s some more shun-worthy information:
I have never orgasmed during sex… but then 70% of women have never orgasmed during penetrative sex. I thought the problem was me. Turns out, not all of it was my fault. Some of it was the guys’ fault (okay, a lot of it has been the fault of the men in my life). A lot of it was the fault of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child and as an adult, and much to my surprise, a great deal of my issues with sex have come from the sexual harassment I’ve suffered since I suddenly developed breasts one night when I was 10. Therefore, I have written about my abuse as a kid as well as my date rape experience. I’ve written about my lifelong hatred of my breasts, as well as my fear of intimacy. I even wrote about my own Steubenville-esque experience that I was still carrying shame over.
I’m glad to say I am a multi-orgasmic woman — enjoying spontaneous O’s even! I have documented this journey in my DailyOJ posts. I am happier than I’ve ever been in that department… so much so that I now help others — men and women — with their sexual journey and sexual healing by answering their questions in my AskTrish posts and on Twitter. I love reading the comments by my readers on my blog and Twitter — they seem to like my OpEd pieces especially:
- OpEd: How I Like My Sex… Bare…
- OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: Is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not? (’cause really, most men are kinda clueless)
- OpEd: Fucking Cherokee Men (and Other People of Color)
I also review products including sex toys, books, lube, and music.
Still reading all this?…
AND I post erotic pictures on my AW Tumblr…. (no, not of me…. yet….)
AND I’m planning on hosting sexual wellness workshops….
AND I’m preparing an orgasm training workshop….
AND I’ve published a sample chapter of erotica on Amazon.com Kindle, that’s FREE for Prime members. (Tempted? Go ahead, you know you want to check it out…. I’ll wait right here for you to return…)
Oh…. you’re back? Great… Where was I…….
And is now a good time to mention I had to have a medical abortion in 1997?…. No?…. Oh…. Well, then, I guess I’ll save my tale of spending 20 minutes on the kitchen floor in such horrendously painful, incapacitating contortions I could not crawl across the floor to reach the phone to call 9-1-1… (twice)… for another time.
Still reading? Wow.
And I hate religion…. I am a very spiritual person, but religion is little more than man-made rules set by a core group of wealthy, powerful elitist men who suppress the masses into subjugation and adoration through machinations of fear and guilt — and who usually HATE WOMEN…. I don’t dislike the followers of religion necessarily — I like the UU’s, and I’ve never met a Methodist I didn’t like.
AND I am the Queen of Musical Theatre…. Seriously.
Now you know. My secrets are out. I no longer have any fear. My life is a life fully lived and living!
Judge me. You will be defining yourself, not me.
LOVE THIS? NOT SO MUCH? Leave a comment below! And feel free to share on social networks.
That was random I know, but you share so much about your life and experiences that I wondered how you were doing in the areas that you don’t speak about. You have every right to say nothing. I just enjoy getting a better understanding of the woman behind the blog.
What do you like to do in your spare time, when you’re not being a sex guru or a mom? What do you hope to achieve in the next year, 5 years or 10 years? What is something that no matter how upset or angry you are always manages to make you smile or at least smirk? If knowledge is power, when it comes to the content of your Aroused Woman blog, how powerful do you feel?
All hail Queen Vagina!
You’re sweet! :-) A few posts back, I announced that I was branching out with ArousedWoman(TM), re-focusing on “Awakening Sexuality Through Mind, Body, & Spirit.” So I’ll be posting lots of new topics and crazy wack-a-doo posts that I feel are relevant to my growth and that I hope are interesting to my readers.
As you can see from my “random post” on astral travel, that experience had a profound effect on me — not just my perception of what’s on the Other Side, but experiencing what actually is and is NOT on the Other Side confirmed for me many “beliefs” in regard to humanity, religion, society, etc. My beliefs-turned-knowledge affect me sexually (i.e., there’s no hell and certainly no “sin” as classified by controlling religious dogma), the experience of pure love (I know what I’m looking for when it comes to love, I won’t settle for anything less, and love has to be felt — it can’t be intellectualized or rationalized, i.e., If I love him enough, he’ll change, so I’ll love him really hard and work to change him into the person I want him to be.), and other concepts I’m still integrating even after the 9 or 10 years since the experience.
Which brings me to my “spare time”… Just yesterday, in fact, my daughter asked me, “Just what do you do during the day?” And I had to tell her the truth. Not much. I’m a Libra, a mind-candy person. I’m a creator. It’s difficult for me to actually finish anything because once it’s complete, it’s over — I can’t mind-candy it anymore. But my creative works have to be completed if I’m gonna earn a paycheck and feed my child.
I spend most of my time reading, learning, experimenting, walking, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, meditating, pondering, writing, tweeting, doing laundry, working, walking, composing music, looking at the trees, studying leaves, watching squirrels and birds interact, more reading, more research, more questing, listening to the wind, being witchy, brewing concoctions, making cool witchy stuff, doing web design for new clients, creating different workshops, textile design, writing, writing, writing, tweeting…
I don’t have “spare time” in that I do what I love for a living (theatre), and I’m currently working on 2 new training certifications, after which, I’ll go for 2 more. (I’m already certified in yoga and Pilates.) Because I do what I love, I don’t earn a lot of money — I live simply and have found that to be rather wonderful. I go to bed every night thoroughly happy with my life. I wish there were more time in the day, but I know I used the time I had to enrich my life, provide for my daughter, and enjoy being in this meat-suit while being amazed at the beauty that is around me.
It can be surreal sometimes. I’ve had people say, “Wow, you lucked out writing for a living.” No, I was in the performing arts for 36 years, I’m an award-winning composer, I hosted a radio show that had 27,000 listeners worldwide (that I put on hold to start ArousedWoman and fight the idiocy of the GOP during the 2012 POTUS election), and I have something to say. I created my “luck” by working my ass off and paying my “dues.” I earned my right to write for a living.
Currently, I’m creating an online course on Musical Theatre training topics, I’m starting a new project (a magazine), and I will get back to my theatre radio show soon. I’m also going to teach some health workshops in my local area to help supplement my income. I’m also working on the ArousedWoman cookbook, and I’m creating my orgasm training method (which will be in beta testing soon for anyone who wants to contact me to participate in it).
I’m still trying to get the AW Forum going and still raising money for ArousedWoman Radio, to interview guests and answer people’s question in real time. But that is slow-going. It will happen in its own time, I guess.
Most of my time is spent on personal growth, getting healthy, and growing my experiences sexually, sensually, tantrically. I want to be a complete human, not a shell of a human in the rat race of society, as so many people are. I want to help others get out of that kind of life — to help them make a better life for themselves, get healthier, find some kind of peace in this crazy world — to see that happiness in self and happiness in life are connected. I want to help people overcome their PTSD with sexual trauma. I want to help others see beyond the hypocrisy of religion, politics, and government — that all that bullshit doesn’t really matter — and if it does matter to you, then don’t just complain, actually get off your ass and do something about it.
I want to help people get off the lie that is the insensitive Western medical system which is being undermined by the pharmacological industry. I want to inspire others to get back to the “beauty way,” back to Mother Earth because the livestock and dairy industries are killing our planet and our bodies. We are not separate from the earth — the earth isn’t just the thing under the sidewalks and asphalt — the earth is our food, our air, our water, our home, our reason for incarnating to this physical plane. If the living biosphere of the earth weren’t so important to us, we would have incarnated on Mars or somewhere else. Duh.
I want people to take back their power to heal themselves without fear of criminalization from the oppressive forces in control of our society.
I want women to take back our rightful place as healers, warriors, judges, peacemakers — as we were before patriarchal misogyny made women property, whores, and household slaves.
Where do I want to be in 5 years? Hopefully, I will have finished my Bachelor’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University and will be nearly finished with my Master’s in Women’s Spirituality. After that, I may take 2 years to study Sanskrit at St. John’s University in Arizona. And of course, 6 years from now, I hope to have completed my work to be an official teacher of Tantra. Essentially, I want to be able to keep a roof over my head while helping others.
I used to think this life was too long. In the past century, we have tripled our life expectancy. Why? Wasn’t 35 years of war, struggle, famine, disease, and natural disasters enough? Now, we have to endure this for 72, or 85, or 105 years?! Now, I see that even that long is not enough. This is a great time to be in a meat-suit on the physical plane. It is a truly wondrous time of change, and we’re a part of it. The past century — this past year! — has seen the rise of women and the awareness of human rights that is 2,000 years overdue.
I just want to do my part to “Be the change.” In my own particular brand of “random,” witchy, artistic, holistic, bohemian, awakening, loudmouth IrishLava. :-) But understand, we really can’t change other people; we can only change ourselves and be the example of change we hope to inspire in others.
A male member of the AW Forum posted a discussion in the Music to Set the Mood area, saying:
“Just thought I would add a category that I like to call ‘Hard Erotica.’ It’s a little more gritty and animalistic… Sometimes a good fuck requires a little hair pulling….”
Seriously? We’re back to the “so easy a cave man could do it” attitude toward sex?
The songs to which this member linked were dance-music, “hardcore erotica” tracks from Basic Instinct and Madonna. As a composer of real music, I find that this sort of computerized drivel personifies what is wrong with popular music (overproduced, over-sampled, monotonous in “beat”), but I’ll leave that aside for now.
Describing an enthusiastic fuck as “animalistic” begins to lead the conversation about sex back toward hardcore porn — removing the humanity from sex and encouraging the monotonous mechanics of impersonal fucking — which is not something I subscribe to and is NOT the purpose of my forum or anything related to ArousedWoman(TM). Sex should be about connection — even casual fucking should have a dose of humanity and connectedness to it.
We all know sex can get really heated and… exuberant… that doesn’t mean the intent is “animalistic,” necessarily. This sort of description is exactly the terminology the church used to shame sex — that it was “base” and only for “lower” animals. Deep, fast, thrusting sex can be thrilling for sure, but that doesn’t mean it is “animalistic.” Sex can also be incredibly tender and beautiful. Sex should be a raising of energy between partners, not just a means of tension relief from erratic muscular contractions. In fact, from a Tantric perspective, the best orgasms happen from “slow sex.” (Yes, I said slow sex — as in, the man enters the vagina, and nobody moves for an hour… Yes, I said an hour.)
For myself, I make it clear to a partner that hair pulling is absolutely NOT OKAY. It’s not only a sign of aggravated assault (to me), but yanking a woman’s head back via hair pulling is dangerous to the cervical spine and the larynx (the tube for breathing and speech).
Men may have a fantasy about hair pulling because of what they’ve seen in “hardcore porn,” but only because they’ve never been on the receiving end of having their head yanked back by their long hair or ponytail. No, it is not the same feeling as when a woman curls her fingers in a man’s short hair (on his head) and pulls his head back (that is bad enough), but to have someone grab hold of your long hair, use it like a handle to jerk your head back is horribly painful — and again, dangerous to the neck and larynx.
Yes, I know, some readers will complain (again) that I’m being all “puritanical” and I’m “not at peace” with myself for expressing my opinion (and I’m not even on my period and all hormonal), but I don’t exist to perpetuate the stereotypes of women or sex. So suck it.
ArousedWoman(TM) is about awakening from the “dirty,” impersonal, shame-filled KoolAid of sexuality as demonized by religion and kinkified by a society still trying to find balance in sexual practices and “roles.” As I say on Twitter: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.” Nothing about ArousedWoman(TM) is about hardcore porn, so find another site if that’s all you care about — there are plenty of porn & sex sites that perpetuate the pro-church, misogynistic attitudes toward sexuality. ArousedWoman(TM) is NOT one of those.
One last word on monotonous dance music… If a man can only move his hips in one rhythm, he’s a dud in bed. Give me a man who can fuck the 1812 Overture, and we’ll talk.
While most men know how long they are, a lot of men don’t seem to know how wide they are. This is a shame since most women prefer width over length. Many men may not realize that when women shop for sex toys, width is an important consideration. In fact, many women buy sex toys based more on the width than the length.
A toy that is penis-shaped and 1 1/4″ wide would not be considered by most experienced women shoppers; whereas, a 2″ wide penis-shaped toy might be about as wide as a woman wants to go. My personal toy preference is between 1-5/8″ and 1-3/4″ wide because it’s easier to handle and doesn’t wear out my wrist.
On a side note, sex toys designed to stimulate the female prostate are oftentimes more narrow and more curved than the usual dildo. For prostate stimulation, and especially for female ejaculation, wider is not usually better.
When it comes to sex, size really does matter because too long or too wide can hurt the woman. Better to ask up front what size toy your woman likes to use and see how you measure up to what she prefers. This gives you an idea how compatible you two will be physically. For instance, if her favorite toy is 1.5″ wide and you’re 1.75″ wide, you know ahead of time that extra lube and extended yoni worship may be required before insertion. (Note: If you’re too shy to ask her about her sex toy, maybe you shouldn’t have sex with her in the first place.)
So how do you measure up to your woman’s favorite sex toy? Here are some tips on how to measure your penis:
Use a flexible measuring tape, not a ruler.
Measure from the base to the tip while fully erect. Measure on the top side of the penis, from the lower abs at the pubic bone. The vagina is only 3 to 3.5 inches in length, and can expand up to 50% when aroused. So a penis that is 6″ long will almost bottom out.
Do NOT press in to measure! The root of the penis inside the man’s body is rather long and can be felt (and held) below the balls at the perineum. Don’t press in just to add an extra half inch or so to your length measurement. Last time I checked, the woman’s pubic bone does not magically extend outward into the man’s abs during sex.
Measure around the widest part of the fully aroused, fully erect penis to get the circumference. Where this point is varies. Some men are wider at the base, while some are wider in the middle, and some near the head. Measuring the width is especially important for men who are widest in the top third of the shaft and the head, as this is the part of the penis most likely to actually be inserted into the woman.
If the head is bulbous and noticeably wider than the rest of the penis, measure the circumference of the head as well… just to know.
Now, you get to use that high school algebra you never thought you would ever need. To get the width (diameter) of a circle (penis shaft), divide the circumference (around measurement) by pi (3.14).
If the circumference is:
4.5″ = penis is 1.43″ wide
5.0″ = penis is 1.59″ wide
5.5″ = penis is 1.75″ wide
6.0″ = penis is 1.91″ wide
6.5″ = penis is 2.07″ wide
7.0″ = What are you? Caligula’s horse?!
I’m not saying you should steer clear of a potential partner just based on penis size, but to deny the importance of sex in the relationship is Puritanical nonsense. Many relationships and marriages end because the sex was not pleasurable or the partners were not sexually compatible.
By the way, guys, don’t worry if you are in the long and narrow or the short and wide ranges. Every vagina is different, so regardless of how you measure up, there is a partner for you — you just have to find her!
- Anatomy: #TeamUncut Intact Natural Penis Collage for #ForeskinFriday (21+ NSFW)
- Anatomy: Male Prostate – the Male G-Spot
- OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: Is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not?
- AskTrish: Stop Ejaculating and Have Multiple Orgasms Already!
- AskTrish: Bisexual Man Comes Out But Girlfriend is Now Jealous
- REGISTER for Tantra-based orgasm training
- Sign up for the ArousedWoman newsletter
- Take the ArousedWoman Orgasm Questionnaire
Don’t get me wrong — I love ALL penises: circumcized penises, small penises, large penises, all of them. But some uncut men in the United States still have to deal with discrimination from partners who are unaccustomed to seeing, handling, or loving a natural, intact penis.
I recently saw a tortured comment from one uncut guy on Tumblr. He was so distraught by a girlfriend calling his natural penis “nasty,” he was seriously contemplating getting circumcized at his current age of 23 or 24. I was horrified — not only at the thought of an adult male choosing circumcision just to be considered “normal” in a culture that has no clue about what normal sexuality should be (i.e., not evil, not sinful, not shameful, not jackhammering a vagina), but this girlfriend then told all her friends about his “nasty” penis and he became the laughing stock of his friends and acquaintances — at a college, no less.
** Stepping up on soapbox: America’s Puritanical overlords and evangelical bullshit have so warped our culture, few people have a clue as to what is natural and beautiful… in penises, breasts, or vulva! And yes, I am one of those radical tree-huggers who views routine infant male circumcision and any female circumcision as aggravated sexual assault with a deadly weapon, with the perpetrators being culpable and deserving jail time. (Stepping down…) **
I have already had a few submissions, and while some are great, some are a bit lackluster — not for size or shape, but for the absolute disregard for ambiance!!! Jeez! Dudes! You’re taking pics of your penis for a woman!!! Why is the toilet in the background?!
So I’m laying out some Submission Guidelines.
- Photo must be of you and submitted by you, and YOU must be 21 years of age or older, regardless of where you live in the world.
- Photo must be a close-up of your penis and testicles, or of your body somewhere from your navel to above your knees, i.e., your face should not be in the pic.
- Multiple photos are permissible to show the way the foreskin moves/changes in different states: unaroused/natural, partially aroused, fully erect, etc. No cum shots will be posted (but you can send them anyway :-) ).
- Photos should be taken in natural light with NO FLASH — using flash does NOT make your penis look inviting. (Sorry, but that’s the truth.) So take the pic near a window, outside in the woods or other place where you won’t be arrested for indecent exposure, etc.
- Higher resolution is better.
- Photo may be edited by me for size, color tone, etc.
- I HATE BLUE!!! So please don’t have anything blue in the picture.
- All men — straight, gay, bi — are more than welcome!
If in doubt as to tone and ambiance, PLEASE look at my Tumblr page. I adore sensuality. Crude porn shots is NOT what I’m looking for. I want to honor the male and the uncut penis.
Sumbit via email on the main ArousedWoman.com website.
P.S. Cut guys — feel free to send pics, too, and I’ll put them in a separate collage.
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I’m a 50 year-old straight (but bi-curious) male. I have been with my female partner for 5 years now and have been living with her for 4 years. I am in school 300 miles away. The past few months, while I have been here, I have talked to her about exploring her own sexuality — not an open relationship as I am not wanting that, just giving her the freedom to explore whatever desires she finds. I believe there is great healing in sexual freedom which is truly empowering. So, tomorrow night she has a ‘movie night’ with a friend of ours who has made it very clear he wants to fuck her. He is a good friend and the safe factor is one that cannot be ignored. I actually encouraged him to move ahead with pursuing her at my birthday party on Friday night! Can a person be able to feel true happiness at the thought of his partner not only having sex with a friend, but encouraging it and enjoying her pleasure by offering her the liberty to do so as she desires? I know the idea is so very exciting to me, but I don’t hear talk about this stuff in many places. I know I will be so very happy when she tells me all about it tomorrow night, I guess I am just looking to hear a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom while in a committed relationship, albeit a long distance one. Do you have any thoughts on this? I guess the bottom line is how deep does ‘control’ run in the male psyche?! I feel so un-male by being so seemingly un-normal! Would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated’ or some other something else? Would this kind of freedom (for lack of a better term) be received as a negative by women?
A million thoughts are running through my head, many of which you may not like. So please accept my response with a grain of salt as it comes with a healthy dose of tough love. Since you’re in Canada, I’m too far away to give you the ass-kicking my Irish fire really wants to administer. Clearly, the misogyny of patriarchal culture is entrenched in the northern climes — which is sad since I’ve always heard Canadians were so nice.
I’ll address your male psyche first. You are not “un-manly” or “un-normal.” You are following your desires as a consenting adult. Neither a sexually repressed society nor antiquated, misogynist religion should be your barometer in pursuing adult relationships. However, these negative influences have shaped you as evidenced in your verbiage, which I purposely left whole so you could see your subconscious language patterns: “giving her the freedom,” “offering her the liberty,” “a woman’s thought on having that level of freedom,” “would you, as a woman, feel ‘liberated'”… What century are you living in?! And are you sure you don’t live in Arizona?
Whether this relationship you have with your woman is committed, casual, or even legally bound with a
prison sentence marriage license, she is a free, autonomous human being and can “fuck” or “make love” with whomever she chooses, and she doesn’t need your permission or your “giving” her the liberty and freedom from psychological slavery to pursue the physical and emotional needs of her own body, heart, and mind. Capiche?
I’ll get off my soap box because I know your intention is not to sound like a misogynist jerk. Your language is indicative of living in an oppressive patriarchal culture while your heart and spirit desperately want validation and freedom from that very oppression.
Clearly, you and your woman have great communication, for which I applaud you! While you say you don’t want an open relationship, you, in fact, have one. It could even be polyamory if the other partner(s) have emotional feelings as well. These types of relationships are not talked about in society for the same reason homosexual and bisexual relationships are still taboo — they threaten the hetero-patriarchal dynamic that limits relationships to male/female and institutionalizes the hierarchy of a superior male with an inferior female’s body and mind being owned by the male.
For me, I have sworn I would never do another long distance relationship because they’re expensive, annoying, and sexually frustrating. However, I have always thought that sex “in the meantime” is okay because we all have needs. The body wants sex. The heart wants love. You make accommodations when you can’t be with the one you love via abstinence, cheating, or an open relationship where both people understand there is a physical need that is separate from the emotional need — if that is an understanding that is right for the both of you.
For instance, if I were in a relationship with a soldier, knowing he or she will be gone for months or even longer than a year, I would tell them to have sex when they can with someone “safe,” i.e., don’t bring home any diseases. The body has needs and wants. So I’m perfectly fine with them having sex with a fellow soldier or “safe” partner while on deployment. Do what you need to do to make it through the day to stay alive and come home.
Some species mate for life while most of the earth’s inhabitants only have flings or “open” relationships for each mating season. Humans may choose monogamy or polyamory as dictated by their personal needs or spiritual/religious beliefs.
Polyamorous relationships are not fully understood or accepted by most monogamous people. The non-poly people don’t understand how two people in a committed relationship can be with others outside the relationship and not get jealous. Getting jealous is just not something in the make-up of polyamorous folks. This hippie/free-love notion of open acceptance and loving everyone is a threat to our competition-driven imperialistic society that thrives on conflict and profits from war. Polyamory will never be accepted as a mainstream lifestyle in the West until the oppressive overlords figure out how to make money off of it.
Back in my early 20’s, the theatre orgies I participated in were a revelation in how committed couples can explore their sexuality with friends — with their partner participating, watching, or exploring with someone else — and no one ever got jealous. Ever. There was no reason to get jealous because the desires and explorations were out in the open, as opposed to “cheating” behind a partner’s back. Exploring our bodies sexually had nothing to do with the love for a committed partner…. But that’s bohemian artists for you!
I have friends who have been in polyamorous relationships — a man and his female partner with another woman whose male partner was a prude. His jealousy of her need for the poly relationship put a damper on all four of them. So, James, embrace your open relationship, and revel in the level of communication you and your partner have because what you have is rare and wonderful!
You also have a voyeuristic side to you, and I’m sure you not only want to hear about the sex your partner is having with her friend/fling, but you probably wouldn’t mind sitting in the corner and watching, yes? If you’re turned on by watching your partner flirt, there’s no harm in that as long as both of you have that clear understanding. Problems arise when one partner wants things for the relationship that the other partner does not.
I would be interested to hear why, at the age of 50, you’re bi-curious and have never taken the plunge! Following your desires instead of living vicariously through your woman’s experiences with men might open a whole new world of sexual possibilities for your relationship. Being with two guys is as much a fantasy for a lot of women as being with two women is a dream for a lot of men.
You are normal. You are masculine. You and your partner are doing just fine, in my opinion. Keep up the wonderful communication between the two of you. Do let me know how ‘movie night’ went! Also, leave a comment if you have any more questions — and to tell me you forgive my tough love. :-)
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Copyright 2012 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
It’s been said that every woman fakes orgasms at some point. Well, I’m here to tell you I never did. Never. I never had an orgasm during partnered sex, and I sure wasn’t going to fake it. I made sure the guy knew I wasn’t seeing god, or cosmic rainbows, or magickal unicorns just because his penis was inside me. He could deal with his ego later.
Recently, I read a particular, highly recommended book on cunnilingus but had a difficult time finishing it. The anatomic information was mostly good, but the male writer’s anecdotes about female orgasm were peppered with sexist, rude, even misogynist remarks I simply could not overlook. Having admitted that he was bad at sex and suffered with erectile issues, the author made the egregious comment that screamers and women who throw their heads back are “obvious” orgasm fakers.
I wanted to throw the book across the room, but unfortunately, I was at a restaurant. (Yes, I read sex books while eating… lunch.)
Women are complex creatures and are, thusly, capable of complex, varied types of orgasms. It only makes sense that the body and the face would have different corresponding reactions. Yes, I said body. Were you only watching her face?
For a traditional clitoral orgasm, the orgasm is localized to the clit/genital area. The woman’s torso will most likely crunch forward. The hips/pelvis will tuck or raise up off the bed. Her face will similarly be “crunched” into a look she wouldn’t really want to make otherwise: furrowed brow, gritting the teeth, even jutting the jaw forward. (I could go into my theory on why this is but I would have to bore you with vocal science and the pedagogy of phonation.)
A vaginal/She Spot orgasm tends to be a full-body wave type of orgasm that washes over the body but lacks the explosion of the clitoral orgasm. The woman’s mouth will be open, the jaw down and back, and she may moan differently because of it. Her head may tilt backward, and she may even arch her back. Please note the vagina has numerous spots capable of various kinds of pleasure and responses.
A blended orgasm that stems from both clitoral and vaginal/She Spot simulation is one of the most sought after orgasms because of its full-body wave effect coupled with the clit explosion. This orgasm can induce both crunching forward and wild hip motions, plus arching backward, head back, and delicious moaning.
Other types of orgasms include nipple O’s, cervical O’s, orgasms of the P-spot, the K-spot, the perineal sponge, urethral/urination orgasms, anal O’s, and anywhere else on the body that she is super sensitive to touch.
Of all the physically-based orgasms, the most intense, for me, personally, is the uterine orgasm. The uterine orgasm is brought on by stimulation of the cervix and A-Spot, coincidentally stimulating the prostate/She Spot at the same time. This results in a compulsory doubling over and emotional outburst — a true gut-wrenching thrashing usually accompanied by uncontrollable crying. Not pretty crying either. So the face of this orgasm is kind of like a nervous breakdown — a bit unnerving for onlookers but soul-shatteringly amazing to experience.
These signs are for physically-based orgasms that most people can do without much effort. Use plenty of lube, work the spots, communicate — not very difficult. However, energy-based orgasms cause the body to twist and contort in ways unimaginable.
Kundalini orgasms are known for inducing a sharp, sudden, involuntary arching of the back, in both women and men. While some men consider arching the back to be a “woman’s” type of orgasm, I like to think of this phenomenon as a “human being’s” orgasmic response. For Kundalini orgasms, the mouth may be wide open, deep moans being heard, while the head is bent so far back, you might think the woman is going into a gymnast’s backbend. All of this is involuntary. (And pretty frickin’ incredible!)
So what is the face of a woman who is having real orgasms? Not something she’d want posted in the church’s Sunday bulletin, that’s for sure. If the woman can, in any way, be considered to look “pretty,” she’s not having a real orgasm.
If she is crunching forward and her face looks as if she is somewhere between “really pissed off” and “warrior queen about to rip your limbs from your body,” then she’s probably having a real orgasm. If her head is back, her mouth open, and her brow slightly to fully furrowed, that’s a great sign of a real orgasm as well. When her arms fly up over her head, don’t be offended! This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hold on to you. Especially if her hands wind up behind her head, this is a great sign of a deep, powerful orgasm. (If you’ve read my DailyOJ, you know I can vouch for this effect.)
Her eyes may be open during clitoral orgasms, but for most other types of orgasms, her eyes will probably be closed. For myself, I’ve noticed my eyes shoot open at the onset of blended orgasms but then immediately close again through the rest of the climax/multiple orgasms. For Kundalini orgasms, my eyes are closed, head is all the way back, hands fly up over my head, and my body rocks-and-rolls side to side while my knees come up, then my legs kick out over and over again. (Just sayin’.)
You decide: Which one is faking and which one is real?
Along with the facial contortions or the gaping jaw and arching back, her skin will become flush due to increased blood flow, her nipples may be so perky they’re reaching for the ceiling, and her hips (hell, most of her body) will be moving involuntarily. For energy orgasms, she will probably be rockin’-and-rollin’ side to side with extra contractions and rolling through her abdominals, not just crunching forward or arching backward as during physical orgasms.
If she can speak in complete sentences, or is constantly reassuring your ego, she might be faking for your benefit. If her words are incoherent and grabbing at you is her only primal form of communication, then you might be on the right track — to helping her orgasm.
More importantly, don’t be so visual. This isn’t porn. This is a real, live woman. You need to feel her reactions. When a woman is close to orgasm, especially if any clitoral stimulation has been done, the clitoral bulbs that form a “horseshoe” over and around the vaginal opening expand with blood flow, just as the penis expands with blood flow during arousal. This feels like a vice-grip clamping down on your penis.
(Side note: My asshole ex-husband used to tell me he didn’t like the vice-grip feeling because it made him start to lose his erection… so that’s probably why I never orgasmed with him.)
Remember, guys. You cannot “make” a woman orgasm. Orgasm begins and ends in the woman’s mind — not just her brain. Stimulate her mind first and the body will follow suit. In fact, the face and body will tell you everything if your sexual relationship is rooted in honest communication.
What does your face look like in orgasm? Send me a picture, and I just might post it!
From OM to KSMO to my personal experiences I recount in my DailyOJ, AW is gaining more readers and more Twitter followers every single day. Readers are writing in to tell me how reading this blog has helped them, and even men have reported new kinds of orgasms because they implemented some of my advice.
Below are a few examples of how Aroused Woman is making awesome changes in people’s sex lives and relationships. And I am so very honored to be a part of it.
1 – those who are completely unaware of an issue so their apathy is due to ignorance…
2 – those who are aware of the issues but have been drinking the Kool-aid too long to see the rights violations right in front of them…
Or in this case, in their pants.
Last night on Facebook, I updated my status with this:
“My thoughts on FGM & Male Circumcision: Any body modification not fully consented to by the person on whom it is being done is straight up EVIL & being perpetrated by ASSHOLES.”
After yet another exhibition of my Irish gift of being blunt, an interesting discussion followed by friends who, of course, feel similarly. I went on to say:
“Any change to the body is the basic human right of THAT PERSON to make a change to the body. Especially when this isn’t a life-threatening situation. Circumcision in 1st world countries is done out of habit more than educated knowledge that it is a religious act — and since many white Americans proudly claim to be Christian, why the hell do they do this to their babies? (Though I think brainwashing a child in any one religion is also heinous, but that’s another convo.)… Many people do not realize that baby boys die from male circumcision, just as some girls die from FGM. Female Genital Mutilation is the definition of barbaric & misogynist.
“P.S. I refused to cut my daughter’s hair until SHE was ready to have her hair cut. Most people see the hair as dead, but it isn’t — not from a spiritual perspective (and no, I’m not Indian)… I gave [her] her first haircut on her 5th birthday, and her ears were pierced 5 years later. Her body. Her choices.”
One enlightened friend wrote about male circumcision:
“It’s traumatic to babies, it’s dangerous, and so unnecessary. The argument “so he’ll look like his father” makes me want to fight! If Dad was missing a finger, would we chop one of baby’s fingers off too? And then there’s the rampant sexual dysfunction caused by corneated glanses that guys have to beat the crap out of in order to get off.”
Then there was one comment that left me with my jaw hanging open as disgust and dismay ran through my bloodstream.
One commenter wrote:
“FGM is a sin (if you are a believer in such) and a crime against nature, but male circumcision is no biggie. It actually has proponents in the medical field who make good arguments for it.”
While I love it when people agree with me, the only time I can truly create change is when I’ve reached someone whose ideology is different (read: narrow-minded and uneducated). So my response is thus:
- No, I don’t believe in sin. “Sin” is a carefully crafted construct of religious propaganda to steer the masses into doing its bidding, which usually entails keeping the rich, white guys wealthy and in control. (Where have I heard that before?)
- Circumcision IS a “biggie” to the innocent baby on whom this violation is being perpetrated.
- The so-called medical proponents must be operating under the delusion of religious brainwashing, socio-cultural conditioning, or being highly compensated to keep spouting these “medically necessary” lies regarding male circumcision.
Circumcision as we know it is a practice of the Abrahamic religions, namely Judaism and its spin-offs Christianity and Islam. As with many aspects of the Jewish faith, Judaism was heavily influenced by the religious practices and ideologies of Ancient Egypt, which is known to have practiced circumcision on adult men who chose to be circumcised as part of their initiation into the priests’ order.
Because of the spread of these religions outside their indigenous Middle Eastern origins, the brutal practice of shearing the foreskin off a newborn’s penis has gone global. However, not every country under these religious delusions practices male circumcision.
The proponents for male circumcision offer little medical evidence that it is actually “necessary.” Also, I would rather trust the body’s inherent intelligence that it has a foreskin because it serves a purpose — to the boy who will become a man. Granted, I don’t know why we still have an appendix, but I do know why my clitoris has a hood — the same reason the male version of the clit, the glans penis, also has a hood.
Proponents for male circumcision also offer the ridiculous argument that boys want to “look like their father.” Was the father circumcised later in his life when he was old enough to make an educated, informed decision based on his personal preference to have the foreskin removed? Likely not. The father was probably circumcised as an infant as well, without his consent.
Those who say circumcision prevents AIDS and HIV transmission are also not getting the whole picture. Plenty of circumcised men in America have HIV or AIDS. The lack of foreskin didn’t prevent the spread of the sexually transmitted disease. Here’s an article from the University of Oxford regarding medical studies supposedly supporting male circumcision.
Essentially, the issue of male circumcision is one of basic Human Rights, that a person has the basic right to choose what happens to her or his body. No one should be allowed to make such a permanent change to a person’s body without their consent.
Informed consent is crucial because of the medical and sexual ramifications, including permanent physical damage to the penis, the urethra, as well as the psychological repercussions as the child grows up.
What if the government passed a law that all baby boys must have their pinky amputated? Or their left ear? Or their nose? Would you willingly submit your newborn child to this just because the government said to? I doubt it. But parents willingly subject their baby boy to having a part of his anatomy amputated just because of a tradition from a Middle Eastern religion and/or American cultural conditioning?
I absolutely think there should be legislation prohibiting circumcision since there are fanatics who will keep enacting this barbarity on baby boys UNLESS legislation bans circumcision. If someone cut a slice out of my daughter, that act is punishable by law with prison time because it is aggravated assault and endangering the welfare of a minor. But circumcision is okay?! NO!
Others would say that banning circumcision violates the parents’ First Amendment freedom of religion. Then what about the baby’s fundamental First Amendment right to Freedom FROM his parents’ religion — to remain a whole human being?
But I’m a female. What would I know about wanting to preserve a person’s right to choose what happens to their body?
Here are some facts from the wonderful website, IntactAmerica:
- Risks include infection, hemorrhage, scarring, difficulty urinating, loss of part or all of the penis, and even death.
- The amount of skin removed in a typical infant circumcision is the equivalent of 15 square inches in an adult male.
- No professional medical association in the U.S. or anywhere else in the world recommends routine circumcision as medically necessary.
- Most medically advanced nations do not practice child circumcision. Three quarters of the world’s men are intact.
- The foreskin is actually an important and functional body part, protecting the head of the penis from injury and providing moisture and lubrication. Circumcision also diminishes sexual pleasure later in life.
- Claims that circumcision prevents HIV have repeatedly been proven to be exaggerated or false.
- Whatever the rationale, forced removal of healthy genital tissue from any child – male or female – is unethical. Boys have the same right as girls to an intact body, and to be spared this inhumane, unnecessary surgery. (Okay, I threw this one in because of its comparison to Female Genital Mutilation.)
Source: IntactAmerica.org, “The Facts Behind Circumcision”
I can only surmise that the men who are pro-circumcision are circumcised themselves (and the women who are pro-circ have only been with circumcised partners), and the thought of a “different”-looking penis is too weird for them to accept what is natural. Or the circumcised men feel jealous that they might be missing out on sexual pleasure, so they want all men to miss out on sexual pleasure, perpetuating this basic Human Rights violation on these innocent children.
No one can undo the past, so if you’re a man who is circumcised, please don’t feel jealous. Sexual pleasure is an energy, and incredible sexual pleasure can be learned without the need for genital stimulation at all.
Just as women need to speak out for women’s rights, men need to speak out against male circumcision. The voice being heard has to come from the gender being violated. But know, we women are here to support you in ending this heinous practice of non-consensual circumcision just as we know you guys are here to support us in our fight to keep control over our bodies.
Male circumcision IS a “biggie.” Circumcision is a Human Rights violation that scars the male in more ways than just physically. If need be, let’s get Congress to enact legislation to prohibit male circumcision. It is the individual male’s right to choose what happens to his body.
The myths about female orgasm, particularly female multiple orgasms, have been perpetuated in modern culture with the rise of easily accessible porn. Separating the real O’s from the fake is not an easy task. What we need is more honest conversation about orgasm, how we reach it, why we want, and what we want out of it.
I saw the following on the “I Love Female Orgasm” website and just had to share. (Wonder if they’ll let me have a speaking gig? Hmmm…)
- Average length of time it takes a woman to have an
orgasm: 20 minutes. Average length of time it takes a man: 2-5 minutes.
- Half of girls have had an orgasm by the time they’re 16 years old.
- 44% of men say their female partners always have orgasms when they have sex. Whereas, 22% of women say they always have orgasms when they have sex. (Note: Can we say “contradiction”?!)
- About 1% of women are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast
- 63% of college women say they’ve had multiple orgasms.
I do think younger women have more information about female anatomy and sex positions than their mothers did, so I’m not surprised to see so many college women have had multiple orgasms. And considering most of them grew up post-Clinton sex scandal, they grew up hearing the words “oral sex” on the evening news. But the statistic doesn’t say during partnered sex. Even as late as 2002, studies report 75% of women have never orgasmed during partnered sex — I am one of those.
I also find it interesting to note the disparity between what men report of their partners’ orgasms and what the women report. Either the women are faking orgasms, then lying about having one, or the men are too clueless to tell a real orgasm from a When-Harry-Met-Sally spectacle. If only 44% of men say their partner has orgasmed during sex, then 56% of men either don’t know how to bring their female partner to orgasm or they’ve watched too much porn and don’t know a real orgasm when they see it. But don’t worry, guys. That’s why I’m here.
For the 1% of women who orgasm through breast stimulation alone, YAY! I’m finally in the 1% — in the rest of my life, I’m still in the 99% (yes, that’s an Occupy Wall Street reference).
I just thought this info was apropos to the discussions we’ve been having of late.
Aroused and counting,
Female ejaculation has long been a source of titillation, as it has been referenced in ancient texts such as the Kama Sutra and even mentioned in the works of Shakespeare. Indigenous cultures that maintain ties to a matriarchal-based society and spirituality still teach the practice to their young females. However, in Western society, female ejaculation used to be seen only in fetishist porn (and perhaps, out-of-hand office parties) — or worse, denied completely by the scientific medical community.
Many women have endured the shame of having “wet the bed” during sex or the embarrassment of extra fluid “down there,” with some undergoing the butchery of surgery at the advice of a clueless doctor for presumed urinary incontinence. It sickens me to think that women have endured shame and embarrassment about a natural bodily fluid simply because Western medicine did not take female sexuality seriously enough to give it the same attention, time, and research dollars as male anatomy and male sexual function.
Ancient Taoist texts from 4th century China, ancient Indian sex position manuals, as well as the Western writings of Aristotle and Galen all mention female ejaculation. In the 16th century, Reinjier De Graaf wrote the first “scientific” description of female ejaculation fluid — or “pituitoserous juice” — and was also the first to use the term “female prostate” when referring to the periurethral glands.
The Marquis de Sade described female ejaculate in detail, and even Shakespeare wrote about a woman’s gushing abilities when referencing “the waters of her love.” For modern science and medicine, it was not until 1952 that the female prostate and its functions were taken seriously, when Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg, for whom the term “G-Spot” was named, published “The role of the urethra in female orgasm.”
In The Story of V: A Natural History of Female Sexuality, Catherine Blackledge details several cultures around the world that encourage female ejaculation, including the Batoro, Mohave Indians, Mangaians, Ponapese, as well as indigenous tribes in South American and even California. She notes that older women of the Batoro instruct the younger pubescent women the art of “kachapati” — that is, how to spray the wall.
To prove female ejaculation actually existed, scientists have had to determine the chemical composition of the ejaculate fluid — to differentiate it from urine. They also needed to discover the source of the ejaculate. But first, they had to find women who can “gush” on demand, who would be willing to undergo clinical tests.
In 2010, Joanna B. Korda, MD, Sue W. Goldstein, BA, and Frank Sommer, MD, set out to demystify female ejaculation and wrote their findings in a paper called “The History of Female Ejaculation” in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 7, Issue 5, pages 1965–1975, May 2010.
“Although emission of female Yin-Chi essence during orgasm is a philosophical concept, we provide justiﬁcation that female ejaculation, deﬁned as expulsion of a signiﬁcant amount of ﬂuid during orgasm, has been known and described in important documents by intellectual leaders of both eastern and western cultures for more than 2,000 years. We demonstrate intellectual concepts about female ejaculaton during orgasm in different cultures from approximately 300 B.C. to 1952 A.D., when Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg wrote an article titled ‘The role of the urethra in female orgasm.’” (J Sex Med 2010;7:1965–1975)
In writing about the Chinese view of Yin/Yang and Chi, Korda et al go on to say:
Women were said to have an inexhaustible supply of Yin essence while men had a limited supply of Yang. Before a man was allowed to ejaculate, he had to prolong sexual intercourse making a woman orgasm several times to acquire her Ching (Yin) essence.
(Three cheers for Chinese wisdom!)
Looking like a bristly tube, the female prostate envelopes the urethra, with some of the ducts draining into the urethra while others conjoin to the vaginal anterior wall, draining fluid (sometimes an opaque milky fluid) into the vagina during direct stimulation.
The female prostate fluid has been analyzed in scientific research settings and found to be comprised of prostate-specific antigen (PSA), prostate-specific acid phosphatase (PSAP or PAP), and glucose (a sugar). This recipe is also the basis for male prostatic ejaculate, minus the sperm. Some research suggests that the PAP fluid is always being produced by the female prostate, quite possibly from the onset of puberty. I would guess this to be at least part of the milky white discharge women routinely find in the crotch of their underwear. While minute amounts of uric acid have been found in prostatic fluid in men and women, neither male nor female ejaculate is urine nor urine-based.
In the 2007 paper published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, entitled “The Female Prostate Revisited: Perineal Ultrasound and Biochemical Studies of Female Ejaculate,” Florian Wimpissinger, MD, FEBU, Karl Stifter, PhD, and Walter Stackl, MD, sought to investigate the nature of female ejaculate fluid as well as determine the anatomy responsible for creating it. They studied the orgasmic response and fluid produced by two women, ages 44 and 45, “who reported actual ejaculations during orgasm.”
The doctors used “ultrasound imaging, biochemical studies of the ejaculated fluid, and endoscopy of the urethra… to identify a prostate in the female.” They compared the women’s ejaculate to pre-orgasmic urine, finding both women had higher levels of PSA, PAP, and glucose but lower creatinine levels in the ejaculate than the urine. Interestingly, the PSA levels were comparable to those of men. The doctors had established that the fluid released during the women’s orgasms was in fact not urine but a unique substance all its own.
Their results and conclusions:
“On high-definition perineal ultrasound images, a structure was identified consistent with the gland tissue surrounding the entire length of the female urethra. On urethroscopy, one midline opening (duct) was seen just inside the external meatus in the six-o’clock position. Biochemically, the fluid emitted during orgasm showed all the parameters found in prostate plasma in contrast to the values measured in voided urine.”
“Data of the two women presented further underline the concept of the female prostate both as an organ itself and as the source of female ejaculation.” (J Sex Med 2007;4:1388–1393)
In 2009, female British porn director Anna Span won a monumental victory for the veracity of female ejaculation when she knowingly submitted a film with “gushing” scenes for approval by the British Board of Film Classification. The BBFC does not allow films showing urination to be granted classification, and based upon (faulty) medical advice, the BBFC had a general ruling against female ejaculation in film, having been told it does not exist and any appearance of fluid being expelled by a female during sex was urine.Span was ready for the confrontation, sending the film’s model to a regulated lab to have her ejaculate tested (it was shown not to be urine), and she wrote a lengthy and detailed letter to the BBFC, providing the juicy details of the film shoot:
“I would also like to add to this that all members of the crew including myself witnessed the ejaculation and knew that the speed, volume, viscosity, smell and sight were all very different from urine. To be honest we were all very shocked by it! Especially Dean who received the ejaculate in his mouth…”
Like men, women do not need to orgasm to ejaculate, and vice versa — we don’t need to ejaculate in order to have an orgasm. But many women who ejaculate say it does correspond with the onset of orgasm or through repetitive, vigorous stimulation of the prostate gland after the initial orgasm. Some women find that simultaneous stimulation of the prostate and the A-spot (in the AFE zone) is required to achieve ejaculation.
As noted on The Clitoris website:
“The female prostate will continue to produce fluid for as long as a woman is sexually aroused, and as result a woman could produce more than 0.2 to 2.0 oz of ejaculate if multiple releases of fluid occurs. If the female prostate fills and empties at a rapid rate that would explain the larger volumes of fluid measured by some investigators. It would also mean the longer a woman’s orgasm lasted the more she would ejaculate, as is often the case. If this is all true it is possible for a woman to ejaculate a considerable amount of fluid without it being liquid from the bladder.
So how do you know whether the fluid is urine or female ejaculate? Urine is said to taste salty, and since female ejaculate is comprised of a form of sugar, it should taste sweet. This sweet component is the reason why ancient texts termed female ejaculation fluid as “sweet nectar of the gods.”
Acknowledging the existence of the Female Prostate was the first step in a centuries-long battle women’s sexuality has fought with the male-dominated Western “science.” A hundred years ago, Western science thought women were incapable of orgasm while perpetuating misogynist notions that women — “good” women — had no sexual desires or needs. This blatant denial of the importance of understanding female anatomy and female sexual function directly hindered the progress of women’s rights in society, including our rights to be sexual beings.
I shudder to think of the number of women who have undergone extensive medication usage or even surgery to “fix” a perceived problem of urinary incontinence, when the fluid may have in fact been female ejaculate.
Expelling of ejaculate fluid is a natural and wonderful perk to being female. And it’s no surprise to me that the doctors and activists leading the charge to verify and legitimize female ejaculation are women.
Aroused and stimulated,
Toenails confound me. Perhaps toenails once served a purpose as claws when we wore loincloths and had to fend for ourselves in hand-to-hand combat. Or maybe they helped us climb hills to plan an attack on a mammoth or run up a tree fleeing a saber tooth tiger. Toenails have outlived their usefulness in the 21st century, as have the Appendix or the bones of the coccyx that recall our once fluffy mammalian tail.
Genital hair is just as useless in my opinion. Oh, sure, some say genital hair acts as a cushion during mating, and scientists say genital hair’s original purpose was to absorb the pheromones of a lover, their scent lingering long after he or she had left the coital splendor. Absorbing scent is the main reason I don’t care for the au naturel hairy-mammoth-between-the-legs look. Though I have other reasons as well…
After the BP oil spill in 2010, people around the world donated their luscious locks (from their head) to be woven together into absorbent mats and dropped on the affected Gulf. Hair was reportedly the best material for absorbing the oil. Soaking up moisture is another reason I shave.
I read an article recently that claimed over 60% of women under the age of 40 in the U.S. shave some or all of their genital hair. It seems that the 20-somethings shave the most, around 80% of them, while women in the 40 to 60 age range are slowly increasing their numbers in the bare-down-there department — perhaps coinciding with the rise in cougardom? Older women looking for younger men who’s tastes have been developed by what they’ve seen in porn?
For the longest time, I only shaved my labia and the sides of my mons veneris, maintaining a sufficient inverted triangle of fuzz as a testament to my adulthood. Seeing females with completely shaved genitals in porn and skin mags would kinda creep me out. It was as if they were targeting male viewers who preferred young females — very young females. The pre-pubescent look just wasn’t for me.
Only recently did I begin shaving it all as bare as a genetically-altered lab rat. In the shower late one night, I was tired and barely awake under the soothing hot water. But knowing I couldn’t tolerate a day of stubble, I hoisted my leg up onto the tub faucet and began shaving, and then — oops! — the razor slipped. My perfect triangle was now gouged. So I thought, why the hell not?! And I shaved myself completely bare for the first time ever. (This is in light of the fact that I haven’t shaved my thighs since I was 21. But my genitals get the razor treatment every night, and sometimes during the day.)
For a woman, the genital area is dark, damp, and humid. In Western society, women tend to be covered up under layers of clothing, underwear, and hosiery. Women’s genital hair absorbs a variety of moist substances including sweat, oils, vaginal fluids, urine, and blood.
The hair also absorbs the smells from being saturated with any combination of those fluids while maintaining a hot, humid 98.6 degree body temperature. It’s no wonder men think women smell like fish! (Though the fishy smell is usually a sign of a bacterial problem that needs attention.) Even gynecologists have begun recommending women shave at least the labia to lessen the chance of bacteria hanging out in the bush(es) and making its way into the vagina, possibly causing any number of issues from bacterial vaginosis to chronic pelvic inflammation disease.
I readily admit that shaving the genitals is a form of body modification, as is a woman shaving her legs and armpits, or a man shaving stubble from his face or waxing his back. Any kind of grooming can be seen as “changing the body,” from wearing make-up or painting your nails to getting your cranial locks trimmed and styled. Wearing deodorant could even be viewed as body modification!
While certain forms of body modification are simply barbaric, such as male circumcision and female genital mutilation, I have no qualms asking a partner to shave his or her nether-regions. Why? #1 – The person decides if he or she will shave their genitals, and #2 – The hair will grow back. Therefore, asking a partner to shave or “manscape” is perfectly acceptable. Why? #1 – The person maintained his/her freedoms of choice and will, and #2 – Shaving is not a permanent change.
I remember very clearly the first time I shaved “down under.” The tub drain clogged up. I dreaded the thought of calling a plumber and having to explain, as someone with long, flowing tresses, where all that short hair came from.
I also remember the moment I actually told someone why I shave. It was after one of our weekend-long theatre orgies, and a friend and I were making the bed before we had to leave for rehearsal. She said something that prompted me to respond, quite matter-of-factly, “I started shaving because I got tired of getting the hairs caught between my fingers when I masturbated.” (This might have been the first time I actually said the word “masturbated” out loud.) My friend, who was shockless, seemed amused (and shocked). And yet, the gleam in her eye told me she totally understood.
Another incident or two led me to “require” the shaving of my partners. Though you’re not likely to see a hairy penis in porn, some men do have hair along the shaft, and yes, I prefer that shaved as well. I have mad skills in the oral pleasure department, thank you very much, and my main issue with male genital hair is that I love sucking testicles. Shaved testicles have the mouth feel of sucking on peeled grapes. An intriguing texture, to be sure.
Then there’s the hair around the anus and trapped up along the butt crack. Put your nose in that area of someone’s backside if you can’t imagine the smells those genital hairs absorb!
Shaving makes me feel so much cleaner and healthier. In fact, as I like to say, “My cunt’s so clean you could eat off it.”
Because I work at home, I have the luxury of washing off after I go to the bathroom. I know I can put my hand between my legs any time and love the smell on my fingers because the only scent that’s there is my true essence from deep with me.
So I completely respect a person’s right not to change his or her body by shaving. However, my potential partner will have to respect that I’m not going to gag on pubes or unpleasant aromas from their nether-regions. (And really, who would turn down sex over this anyway?) So shave or move along.
Aroused and squeaky clean,
In The Jungle Book, Rudyard Kipling’s loveable bear, Baloo, doesn’t want much out of life. He prefers a simple, uncluttered, unfettered existence. In the Disney film version, Baloo sings a fanciful tune about “The Bare Necessities.” This prompted me to write about what I like from a sexual union, a night of ecstasy, and the promise of wanton desires fulfilled. (With all the hooplah about what people are supposed to do to “create” a romantic evening — what we should wear, what we should say, what techniques we should know, what doo-dads, gizmos, and whizbangs should be at the ready — I simply must offer my two cents.)
In “The Bare Necessities,” Terry Gilkyson’s lyrics go like this:
Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old mother nature’s recipes
That bring the bare necessities of life.
I want the bare necessities when it comes to sex. No pretense. No acting out a scene from a movie. No bullshit. Just being a real person with another real person enjoying a real moment together.
What does this mean?
I hate lingerie. I don’t want rose petals on the bed. No candles. I don’t want a steak dinner beforehand. I don’t drink. I can’t stand perfume or cologne. I despise “romantic” music. I refuse to “talk dirty.” I won’t play “dress-up.” I don’t do S&M (or bondage or dominatrix/submissive crap). I don’t like kink.
I’m fat. Why kill perfectly innocent flowers? Can you say “fire hazard?” Who wants to fuck on a full stomach? Alcohol tastes gross. Allergies. Cheezy city! Don’t bring your porn fantasies to me. I do theatre for a living. Solve your “mommy issues” on your own time. It’s weird.
Now that that’s all clear… here’s the reason. I don’t want my partner focused on all the peripheral “stuff” when he or she should be focused on me. And likewise, I don’t want to be in a panic trying to get everything ready. Again, dealing with “set dressing,” lighting, and sound is what we theatre pros call a “tech rehearsal” or a “hang and focus” in the theatre biz. I certainly don’t want to do that when I’m supposed to be getting aroused, anticipating the events to come.
Mainly, I don’t want to feel like I’m putting on an act, pretending to be something I’m not (more theatre). I want to walk into the room naked, body flaws and all, and that be okay because my partner sees me, the person I am, my heart, my soul, my being, instead of all the ways I don’t meet the American standard of beauty. My mind should be filled with a million thoughts of how I can touch him — not wishing I could afford lipo.
So here’s the recipe for having sex with me:
- Don’t be a moron. (I’m afraid I must insist on this.)
- Be prepared to be naked immediately. I don’t do bullshit / tease / “foreplay” on the couch. We’re heading to the bedroom post haste.
- The lights will be low and minimal, but definitely enough light to see everything. And I mean, everything.
- Speaking of seeing everything, make sure you shave your balls — and wash your ass crack.
- The music will be a meditation CD of my choosing. Get over it.
- The sex starts with talking for an hour or longer…
(Okay, I know I just lost the male audience, but “bare” with me.)… If I haven’t been with you before, how can I know what you like? Should I assume what you like based on what my last partner liked? Or the guy before him? Do you really want me remembering them while I’m with you? Didn’t think so. So start gabbing. Of course, we can touch, silly. Did you think we would only talk? If that’s the case, then let’s braid our hair and do our nails!
Why spend so much time on talking and experimental touching? If you’re familiar with the concept of positive and negative poles of the body, then you’d know a woman’s breasts (in line with her heart chakra) are the positive pole and the true entryway to the vagina (her sex chakra). For a man, his positive pole is the penis (no pun intended) which is his sex chakra that leads to his awakening in his chest (his heart chakra). It seems the old adage really is true, the way to a man’s heart is through his penis, and the way to a woman’s vagina is through her heart.
Do I have favorite positions? Of course. The Kama Sutra, Tantra, the Tao, and Kundalini teachings are filled with ideas for sexual awakening, soul connection, and heart chakra fulfillment. That doesn’t mean they’ll work with you. Or vice versa.
A shorter penis works well for women on top, a longer penis is great for side-behind. A curved penis is great for She Spot stimulation like having one leg over his shoulder (Splitting the Bamboo) position. Breast worship is a prerequisite to yoni massage or any genital yoga. Lingam massage and oral ecstasy are two of my specialties. Then there’s one I named the Reverse Rockingchair. (Don’t ask what it is. There’s only one way you’ll ever know what it entails.)
Seriously, though, communication is vital to the partnership, whether it’s for one night or a lifetime. If all you want is the quick screw, then you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. I expect this to go for hours, and while I suspect there will be orgasms a-plenty, I’d rather have a connection with another human being than a race to the finish. After all, I don’t need a man for orgasms — I do that amazingly well on my own, thank you very much.
Therein lies the problem. I don’t need a man. I want a man. I don’t need sex. I want sex. There is a difference. I don’t need a man in my life to take out the trash, mow the lawn, change the brakes, or fix the leaky sink. I can hire tradesmen to handle repairs around the house or on the car. As a 21st century post-feminism empowered woman, I don’t look to a man to fill “necessary” roles the way 19th century women needed men to be able to accomplish certain tasks for the upkeep of the farm or homestead.
I don’t “perform” in bed (more theatre intrusion). I don’t want you to have “performance anxiety” either. I want to sit together, and touch, and kiss, and experiment. I want to caress, and nibble, and coax, and cherish you. And I want you to want the same of me, for me, and with me.
I realize that by asking for something so simple and “deconstructed” I’m asking for quite a lot. I’m asking you to leave your ego at the door, along with your preconceived notions about what I want or how I want it. I’m asking you to give up your innate goal-oriented competitiveness, the ingrained score-keeper, and the death-grip on your self-worth and masculine identity. I’m asking you to give up the enculturation of patriarchal propaganda. I’m asking you to just… be.
I know exactly what I want and how I want it. I can tell you, and I can show you. All you have to do is pay attention. Ask questions. But to do that, you have to focus on me, the real me, and not keep a running tally in your head, comparing me to the other women you’ve been with. Be here. Now. Be in the moment. Be egoless. Nothingness. Non-attachment. Just feel. Be.
I like my sex simple — bare — stripped of the illusions put forth by Cosmo sex quizzes and Victoria’s Secret catalogues and the myths perpetuated by porn and skin mags. Sex should be a spirit connection not just mutual masturbation. Otherwise the orgasms will only be physical. And I’m not interested in that. Make me fly — fly upward above the earth, across the universe, through the veil, and let’s bask in the energy of cosmic orgasm and our union with the cosmos.
That’s not asking too much…
Aroused and baring all,