Arts, Activism, Awakening in Mind, Body, & Spirit

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Review: “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” – A How-To Video for Women to Enjoy Giving Head


Oral Sex for Her Video Training FellatioI recently saw the initial release of a new how-to video series, “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”.  I would have assumed that such a women-centric company like OneTaste would have created a cunnilingus how-to, but they have done the unexpected by creating a video that explains how a woman can receive pleasure from giving a man fellatio.  I can heartily recommend this video to any man or woman who wants to learn a little more about how women can truly enjoy giving oral sex.

Now, this is certainly not news to me — I orgasm just thinking about giving a man head.  Spontaneous orgasms just hit.  I love the feel of my mouth being full with a man’s penis.  The taste, the smell, the texture.  I absolutely love it.  And the truth is, when a woman gives great head, she owns the man.  Seriously.

Whenever I give a man oral sex, I always tell him emphatically, “Lay back.  This is for me.  If you enjoy it, that’s a side benefit.”  I have always loved giving fellatio, or as I call it lingam puja (penis worship).  Even in the midst of a miserable marriage, I still loved giving oral sex.  I figured out that giving him a blow job once per week meant he didn’t complain about bills.  And while I loathe the term “blow job”, that time of my life is the only time oral sex felt like a job — a chore, and yet I still loved the act of fellatio itself, even though I detested the man attached to the penis.

The concept behind the “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” video and corresponding training materials hinges on the fact that women can indeed enjoy giving men oral sex.  If she doesn’t want to do oral sex or has a negative perspective due to bad experiences, then she might want to see how much pleasure she can have from it.  The first step in a woman receiving pleasure while giving head is realizing that the woman has to want to give head.

Now, before you cry, “That’s male bullshit!”, I understand if you haven’t always (or ever) enjoyed oral sex.  Cultural and religious demonization of sexuality, women, women’s bodies, and women’s sexual pleasure have brainwashed society for over 1,700 years, since the rise of imperial patriarchal religion crushed the remaining woman-centic goddess cultures.  Women have absorbed this anti-sex and anti-pleasure propaganda, compounded by bullying about how women smell “down there”, and the ludicrous farce of how women are portrayed in most porn.  Erotica is woman-centric and respectful of women.  And we are a new generation of women who love ourselves and love sexuality without shame or apology!

Some things you will LOVE about this how-to video:

  • It’s only $8.
  • The woman is not a size 2.
  • Her breasts are real.
  • The man is UNcircumcised!!!  Yes, a real, natural, intact penis!!!  Woo-hoo!!!

In fact, she almost apologizes that, at the beginning, his penis is soft.  So allow me to say for once and for-fucking-all — the SOFT penis is a marvelous thing!  In Tantra, we have several nifty positions and activities for the soft penis, including soft entry penetration (yes, the man enters the vagina with a soft penis) and lingam massage, which is best done with a soft penis to help direct energy flow up into the torso, arms, and legs, rather than out the tip of the penis (helps with ejac control, too).  So starting an oral session with a soft penis is fantastic because you get to experience how his body feels as the penis changes in size and hardness.  (You control him.)

Back to the video….  She talks about her experience in learning to love oral sex.  She also tells the good, bad, and ugly of what intense oral sex does for the woman, including the “furrowed brow” which is a tale-tell sign a woman is in orgasm, the deep-throating technique, as well as the steady stream of “snot” from her nose and the “spot” in the woman’s mouth that triggers orgasms throughout her body.  Yes, you will absolutely see the “snot” running out of her nose.  Yes, you see her crying several times from the intensity of the orgasms.  I’ve written plenty of times here about how the more gut-wrenching my crying is directly equates to the intensity of my orgasm(s).  Crying is an integral part of my orgasmic experience, so it’s great to hear other women talking about this topic as well.

As for the “snot”, I would like to clarify that she is not referring to the thick, gross “snot” of a sinus infection, but rather the normal sinus muscosa you have draining down the back of your throat 24/7.  This mucosa is a necessary moisturizing lubricant for the back of the pharynx (very back of the mouth, top of the throat).  In fact, when you don’t have this normal nasal drip, you may experience a dry cough or have clogged sinuses.  So this mucosa is what she has dripping from her nose — but that’s okay!  Vaginal fluids are also a type of mucosa (derived from the plasma from the blood in the vaginal walls’ muscular tissue), and men LOVE lapping it up!  So let the snot run!  After all, when your mouth is full of penis, the only way the snot can go is out your nose (or your ear, but that would take a miracle of physics).

Another thing you’re likely to notice in her technique is that she is actually quite still — remember me talking about slow sex?  In Tantra, there is a technique of motionless sex — yes, motionless!  The oral technique as shown in the video will help any woman out there who’s gotten whiplash bobbing her head up and down while giving a blow job.  (Again, most porn is ridiculous).  If you want to learn some groovy info and techniques, watch this how-to.

I can definitely recommend this affordable $8 video that can introduce you to the amazing world of women’s pleasure as instructed in “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”.  I give my full approval of the information in this video and all the products they have.  THEY LOVE WOMEN!  And when you’ve seen it, come back here, and leave a comment telling me what YOU think of the video!

trish


DailyOJ 03-01-13, Part 2: New Toy Brings a Clear Vision


Copyright 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.

Cernunnos-blue-face-hands-edited*Read Part 1.*

The fourth time with the new toy was a mixed, weird, confusing experience.  Suffice it to say, this guy requires lube — lots of lube.  I had already done a blended orgasm with my new glass toy (more on that later) to prime my vaginal opening, get the juices flowing, start stretching the vaginal muscles inside, etc.  As before, the head took a couple of tries to fully enter, and as the head/corona passed my prostate, I felt a slight sting, but it wasn’t as bad as the first few times.  I thought, “Great, I’m adjusting to him.”  Then feeling the shaft enter, I was breathless again at the feeling of being so very filled and stretched.

Since I’d started my session early, around 10:30 a.m., I felt no rush to finish with Bob.  In fact, over the next couple of hours, I would do a round of sliding him in and out slowly for about 15 minutes, then pull him out, and relax in a blissful stupor for another 20 to 30 minutes, having nipple orgasms, sheet orgasms, clit and spontaneous O’s, then I’d reach for Bob again for another slow and easy go of it.

Each time, I did not bring myself to climax with Bob, just enjoyed the orgasms from the slow and steady pace and the occasional hard and fast thrusting and pulling out to float in that bliss for a while, then starting it all over again.

Around 2 p.m., I began again, knowing I was wet from the other orgasms, I didn’t lube Bob this time.  I noticed, he wasn’t moving as smoothly as he had before.  I needed some lube.  Then Stupid Me showed up and totally screwed this whole experience up.  The feelings in my vagina were the same as when I endured friction sex while married.  Though my ex-Asshole isn’t nearly this wide, he hated me getting too wet.  This dry, friction feeling was then “familiar,” and being a little lazy, I thought I’d just put up with it because I really wanted the great orgasms I’d had the other few times with this toy.

Every time Smart Me said, “Man, I need lube,” Stupid Me overruled that inner voice with, “You put up with it when you were married, put up with it now and finish.”  As the friction got to be too much, Smart Me won the debate, and I put a little bit of lube on the toy and re-inserted.  I felt immediate stinging, more stinging, then being filled by the shaft, and then a surge of heat — not in a good way.  I continued on, now that he was properly lubed, imagining my Dream Man, and long story short, I finished.  Yes, the orgasm was great… but it was… weird… but it was beautiful… but weird.

I felt a strange emotion — yes, I cried, but there was something else.  During that last bit, I had a realization of just what this toy represented for me.  The images and feelings conjured during this session were so intensely powerful, I instantly knew who he was.  The experience had become emotional during the session, and now, afterward, I wanted to give him a name, a sacred name.  And I did.  And I cried some more.  I lay there for a while in my reverie, feeling a new awareness of completeness.

Knowing I needed to get up, I realized my fingers felt a bit strange, so I looked at them.  My hands were covered in blood.  I wasn’t on my period.   I looked at the toy, and he was bloody, too.  I got up and went to the bathroom and opened my legs up to the full-length mirror.  My labia and thighs were bloody, and I had an immediate flashback to when I was raped at 21, after which I bled for 4 days.  I remembered a couple other times I bled a little after friction sex.

As it so happened with this fourth time with this toy, I bled that night and the next day, but that was it.  I have not noticed any blood or change in vaginal discharge.  I never felt any pain, aside from the uncomfortableness in the moment of the “friction sex” before I re-lubed the toy.

In fact, in the couple days since, today now being 03-03-13, I have enjoyed all my usual orgasms and my new gentle-touch prostate orgasms.  Everything is functioning perfectly.

Which leads me to an esoteric interpretation… In the very emotional moments of that last part of the session, I had a very clear vision of my Dream Man.  He was absolutely clear to me.  He is a feeling and an energy.  I knew him so well, I called him a sacred name for the very first time, and I subsequently bestowed that name on the toy who is his physical representation for me.

Blood has a life force.  Blood used to be an important part of rituals and taking oaths.  To this day, Christians symbolically ingest the blood of Jesus when they participate in the ritualized cannibalistic practice of Communion/Eucharist.  As a pagan witch, considering who and what this energy/feeling began to represent — my Dream Man, I’m not surprised that blood would have manifested as a sort of initiation with this new, clear vision — a consummation, as it were.

And yes, I know I sound crazy — I’m an artist, I always sound a bit crazy.  Most people are so keyed in to the physical side of sex or climax, they miss subtleties of energy or awakenings that may be present.  This vision I saw is no different than imagining a scene in one’s mind to help the arousal process along, but the difference here is that he appeared to me, and I knew him instantly.

Esoteric interpretations aside, I will have to see how using “Bob” (no, that’s not his sacred name!) goes tomorrow or the next day.  I did not bleed the other 3 times, so I’m hoping that with plenty of lube, Bob and I will be hunky-dorey in our future rendezvous sessions.

Seriously, though, this experience was powerful for me, and though the blood had me a bit worried for that day, I’m hoping it was just a fluke… or an initiation.

Aroused and pondering the possibilities,

trish

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DailyOJ 03-01-13, Part 1: Introducing My Newest Toy to My Inner Sanctum


Copyright 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.

yoni-vulva-labia-iris-flower-peachRecently, I wrote a mild-mannered review of one of my newest additions to my orgasm accoutrements, the Adam PleasureSkin Cock.  I tried to keep the review on point, but I wanted to elaborate a bit here.  I’ve now used this toy 4 times, so I can adequately recommend this guy with some hindsight and careful considerations — though, I still whole-heartedly recommend this toy for those who are experienced large toy/large penis aficionados.

The toy, which I’ll just call “Bob,” is made of “PleasureSkin” and has an insertible length of 6.5″ and a width of 2″.

I was concerned that 6.5″ would not seem like that much as the shortest real penis I’ve ever had was 8″.  Noting that in the Amazon reviews, a few women (and a couple men) mentioned how long it took to get the thing in, I definitely went slowly and used more than my usual amount of lube.  I also spent extra time beforehand on yoni massage to warm up the skin around my vagina’s opening since a large penis can stretch the flesh uncomfortably (read:  excruciating pain!).

The conical head slid in part way, then stopped.  I brought him out, then tried again, giving an extra little push.  There was slight pain — more like a stinging sensation — at the anterior wall where my prostate is.  My first thought was, “I’m surprised the pain isn’t at the fourchette (the “bottom” of the vaginal opening), so I must have done enough yoni massage — good.”  My next thought was, “Anything that upsets my prostate gets thrown in the dumpster.”

It took 3 very slow tries to get the head in, each time stinging.  Once the head was in, the shaft did not have the same effect on my prostate, so I proceeded.  I made the mental note that a prostate-based orgasm before using this guy might not be ideal since my prostate swells with fluid and the tendrils of the prostate “poke through” into the vagina during arousal.  (That feels much better than it sounds!)

Once in, I was taken aback by just how full I felt.  Like other reviewers, I thought the sheer width of this thing had issued me a challenge, and I was determined to win.  It took a good 10 minutes of repeatedly slow, methodical entry and withdrawal for me to get this thing even a few inches in.  And even after using “Bob” 4 times now, I haven’t gotten him more than about 4.5″ inside.  (Yes, I felt like less of a woman because I couldn’t take any more of him in.  I must have more issues to deal with.  Dammit.)

The width is absolutely delicious.  In fact, just thinking about how this thing feels inside…. I… I………. I……… OH MY FUCKING GOD, YES!  This is the most wonderful-feeling toy I have ever tried!!!  Even more than the feeling of the toy inside was the feeling of the toy between my fingers of my right hand as I slid him in and out with my left hand.  This toy absolutely feels like a real penis to the touch.  Even running my fingertips over the balls was so incredibly familiar, I began having a surreal moment in which I didn’t have to imagine a man in my man’s eye, this thing made the man come to life in my body and my mind.  To say nothing of the sensation of the balls against my butt… delicious!

I moved my hand over my clit, and she was swollen like I’ve never felt her — my entire mons pubis seemed more swollen than ever before.  With my hand on top of my mons, I could actually feel the different parts of the toy as he slid in and out — especially on the out.  Bringing him all the way out with a little “pop” sound, my clit and mons pubis felt the same as when they’re normally aroused.  Once he was back in, she was so swollen again, I was amazed on how full she felt from the outside.  I tried to focus on both feelings at once — my full clit and the gentle push past my labia as he re-entered… I couldn’t focus on both.  It felt too good to focus on any one thing, actually.

The first time I used him, I experienced a huge climax.  I was left emotional, crying, panting, writhing, back arching, legs kicking out, until another round of orgasms hit, and I was moaning all over again.  Finally, I couldn’t maneuver this thing anymore, and my hands went up over my head, and more emotion, more crying, breathless panting, and uncontrollable writhing.  Then began the after-O’s, a series of progressively smaller orgasms that usually last about a half hour that eventually taper off to simple hip movements and glutes clenching, until even that subsides, and I’m in a type of vertigo bliss.

The second time I used this guy, I made the mistake of changing my hand position in the middle of the hard thrusting — instead of just holding it, I tried an over-hand hold to lessen the weight on my wrist.  Big mistake.  Changing technique in the middle usually spells disaster for arousal, and sure enough, I felt the instant drain of sensation as my nerve receptors switched gears.  It took a couple minutes holding it the regular way to get back to that level of arousal and then finish. I made the mental note not to make that mistake of changing in mid-stream again.  The climax was fantastic, though.

The third time I used Bob, I spent over 15 minutes just moving him in and out very, very slowly.  I cannot describe how sublime this felt.  (I don’t think most men appreciate the slow approach or slow sex, which is a darn shame.  This was heavenly.)  My inner labia grew even more sensitive to the feel of him as I progressed, until the nerve endings in my labia were all lit up, giving extra sensation to the motion.  But he was getting heavy in my hand, and I knew I wanted to finish fast and hard.  I almost hated speeding up because I could have stayed in that “neutral” zone for hours, however the bliss was electric and emotionally stirring.

The fourth time with him was a mixed experience… and completely unexpected…

* Read Part 2. *

trish

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DailyOJ 02-12-13: Sheet Orgasms


nude-woman-redhead-arched-back-in-orgasm-300I’ve found a new way to enjoy my stealth orgasms — the orgasms that are brought on by little or no physical touch.  I wasn’t looking for a new approach to my quieter, yet, oh so fulfilling full-body waves of bliss, and yet I have stumbled upon “sheet orgasms.”

While doing the barest of nipple stim and reveling in delicious nipplegasms, my legs open wide of their own volition.  My hips move in their own dance, and my head is back in breathless euphoria.  With it being colder now, I sleep with my duvet cover on, and I happen to be snuggled under the covers this morning.  I move my hand to my labia, first outer, then inner labia, loving the change in her texture and posture.

My inner labia begin close to my vagina, but as arousal progresses, my inner labia extend upward, outward, as if standing at attention — the frilly edges more taut as they fill with blood in their own erections.  Barely brushing my fingertips across my erect labia, the full-body waves begin, and I feel expansion in my heart chakra.  I’m still amazed that slow, barely-there touch is so fulfilling, and infinitely more tender than hard frigging off.

I’m back on to nipplegasms, having gotten into a pattern of nipplegasms then barely-there gentle-touch clit O’s, and back again.  On the weekends, I do this for hours, not getting out of bed until around 2 p.m. — except on the Saturdays I make a concerted effort to get up by noon to catch the vendors at the farmers’ market.  But this is Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, and everything is closed.  I can stay in bed all day.

Back arched and head back, the nipplegasms are on auto-loop at this point.  As my knees part wide, falling open 180-degrees on the bed, the weight of the duvet presses the sheet toward me.  The sheet brushes my erect inner labia, and a jolt of energy surges up my body.  I thought it was a fluke, a wonderful accident, but I try it again, lifting my hips slightly.  Sure enough — ZAP!  There it is again.  I lift my hips the same way, and the full-body waves begin.  My hips circle several times, make figure 8′s in both directions as I learned in belly dancing, circle some more, then lift and lower in a plain ol’ back and forth motion.  I am breathless as the stealth orgasms fill me and energy zings up my legs and arms, with that familiar energy spiral in the ball of my left foot, sending energy outward.  The sheet has just become my new boyfriend.

Trying a few things, I learned that once the sheet is in the correct position under the weight of the duvet but not actually resting on my vulva, manipulating the sheet is not required, and any other touch of my genitals is not recommended.  The barely-there brushing of the sheet across my inner labia is all I need to induce these wonderful, deep feelings that can only be described as orgasmic waves that crash against the shore of my body, sending billions of tiny pinpoints of pleasure up through me and expanding outward.

Sheet orgasms… who knew…

Aroused and pricing 1500 thread-count Egyptian cotton,

trish

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OpEd: Hardcore Erotica, Animalistic Sex, and Hair Pulling


couple-touching-clawsA male member of the AW Forum posted a discussion in the Music to Set the Mood area, saying:

“Just thought I would add a category that I like to call ‘Hard Erotica.’  It’s a little more gritty and animalistic… Sometimes a good fuck requires a little hair pulling….”

Seriously? We’re back to the “so easy a cave man could do it” attitude toward sex?

The songs to which this member linked were dance-music, “hardcore erotica” tracks from Basic Instinct and Madonna. As a composer of real music, I find that this sort of computerized drivel personifies what is wrong with popular music (overproduced, over-sampled, monotonous in “beat”), but I’ll leave that aside for now.

Describing an enthusiastic fuck as “animalistic” begins to lead the conversation about sex back toward hardcore porn — removing the humanity from sex and encouraging the monotonous mechanics of impersonal fucking — which is not something I subscribe to and is NOT the purpose of my forum or anything related to ArousedWoman(TM). Sex should be about connection — even casual fucking should have a dose of humanity and connectedness to it.

We all know sex can get really heated and… exuberant… that doesn’t mean the intent is “animalistic,” necessarily. This sort of description is exactly the terminology the church used to shame sex — that it was “base” and only for “lower” animals. Deep, fast, thrusting sex can be thrilling for sure, but that doesn’t mean it is “animalistic.” Sex can also be incredibly tender and beautiful. Sex should be a raising of energy between partners, not just a means of tension relief from erratic muscular contractions. In fact, from a Tantric perspective, the best orgasms happen from “slow sex.” (Yes, I said slow sex — as in, the man enters the vagina, and nobody moves for an hour… Yes, I said an hour.)

For myself, I make it clear to a partner that hair pulling is absolutely NOT OKAY. It’s not only a sign of aggravated assault (to me), but yanking a woman’s head back via hair pulling is dangerous to the cervical spine and the larynx (the tube for breathing and speech).

Men may have a fantasy about hair pulling because of what they’ve seen in “hardcore porn,” but only because they’ve never been on the receiving end of having their head yanked back by their long hair or ponytail. No, it is not the same feeling as when a woman curls her fingers in a man’s short hair (on his head) and pulls his head back (that is bad enough), but to have someone grab hold of your long hair, use it like a handle to jerk your head back is horribly painful — and again, dangerous to the neck and larynx.

Yes, I know, some readers will complain (again) that I’m being all “puritanical” and I’m “not at peace” with myself for expressing my opinion (and I’m not even on my period and all hormonal), but I don’t exist to perpetuate the stereotypes of women or sex. So suck it.

ArousedWoman(TM) is about awakening from the “dirty,” impersonal, shame-filled KoolAid of sexuality as demonized by religion and kinkified by a society still trying to find balance in sexual practices and “roles.” As I say on Twitter: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.” Nothing about ArousedWoman(TM) is about hardcore porn, so find another site if that’s all you care about — there are plenty of porn & sex sites that perpetuate the pro-church, misogynistic attitudes toward sexuality. ArousedWoman(TM) is NOT one of those.

One last word on monotonous dance music… If a man can only move his hips in one rhythm, he’s a dud in bed. Give me a man who can fuck the 1812 Overture, and we’ll talk.

trish

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Anatomy: Male Prostate ~ the Male G-Spot


Male Prostate ~ from Wikipedia commons

Male Prostate ~ from Wikipedia commons

The male prostate is a gland about the size of a walnut located in the male anus.

The prostate creates prostatic fluid that mixes with sperm from the testicles to form ejaculate.  Once aroused, the male prostate has a texture like that of a walnut, similar to how the female prostate takes on a ridged feeling when aroused.  Moving your finger back and forth (i.e., wagging your finger, or like a windshield wiper), you should feel the two lobes of the prostate — the gland is bisected by the urethra running through the middle of the prostate, just as the urethra runs through the middle of the prostate in women.

The prostate can be accessed indirectly, from the outside at the “sweet spot” on the perineum, or directly, inside by using a finger or sex toy in the anus.  Experimenting with your prostate does not make a man gay.  In fact, anal play, prostate massage, and prostate milking can be a very delicious part of a heterosexual couple’s lovemaking, especially in the form of slow sex and sacred sex.

In Tantra, the male prostate is considered the male “Sacred Spot,” just as the “G-spot,” aka the Goddess Spot or Sacred Spot in women is located in the female prostate in the vagina.

Also in Tantra, the male prostate is considered to be the emotional center for a man in regard to his genitals.  More than a few men, who have allowed a partner to do prostate milking on them, claim the prostate orgasm is the strongest, most intense, most emotionally moving orgasm they have ever experienced.

Many men who do prostate massage on a regular basis cannot fathom going back to their old orgasms.  Common testimonials for these men also include the prostate orgasm is a “soulgasm,” and opens their hearts to their partners in ways they could never imagine before.

As with any anal play, safety precautions should always be followed to prevent the transference of fecal bacteria from the anal area to other body areas.

Condoms should be used on any sex toy that is inserted, and fitted latex gloves or finger cots can be used on the fingers to avoid having to wash your hands before fingering yourself elsewhere or fingering/touching your partner, as well as to avoid getting bacteria in a cut on the fingers.

Use lots of lubricant and massage the external anal sphincter completely to warm up and stretch the skin before trying to enter the anus.  Silicone lube seems to work best and last the longest, but it is notoriously difficult to clean up afterward.  Also, silicone lube will degrade the latex of condoms, so use only water-based lubricant or natural, unscented massage oil if using latex condoms.

The prostate can be a delicate gland.  Direct stimulation should be slow and gentle at first to see what kind of pressure you like.  If there is any pain, STOP.  If there is any blood in your ejaculate or urine, see your healthcare professional.

PLEASE LEAVE A REPLY with your questions or detailing YOUR experiences (men and women).

trish

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AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex


Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20′s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years.  In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis.  I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times.  I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this.  I attached a picture just as a reference point.  Thanks!

Sincerely,

N., in Ohio

Dear N.,

Thank you for such a great question!  Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn.  The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.

The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men!  However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.

Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman.  The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions.  Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.

Girth is an entirely different issue.  For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time.  And your woman will have homework as well.

Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up.  If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.

The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva.  The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth.  I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.

The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen.  These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin.  The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube.  Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.

Take time to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.”  Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West.  The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.

Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman.  Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration.  In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening.  (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)

Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own.  Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts.  Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax.  If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight.  For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort.  For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.

This is where lube plays an important role in sex.  Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway.  Friction sex hurts at the best of times.  When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver.  Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.

Your homework:

  • Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
  • Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina.  If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed.  If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
  • Use lots of lube.  Lots!
  • Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
  • Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not  hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
  • Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
  • Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
  • Look at  the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.

The woman’s homework:

  • Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
  • Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
  • Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
  • Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
  • Push out  on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
  • Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
  • Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.

So what if you do all this and sex still hurts?  If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain.  This can be helped with lots  of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together.  It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.

You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner.  So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run.

The important thing is that you  do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner.  Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with.  With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.

I hope this has helped.  Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!

Take care,

trish

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Clit Stimulation: What’s In It for Men?


Since discovering OM (Orgasmic Meditation), one of my biggest questions has been “Why would a man want to do OM?”  If the OM touch is all about the guy stroking my clit for 15 minutes, what does he  get out of it?  Why would he  want to focus is on my clit while his clothes are still on?

The OM team has finally addressed this — seems they  get this question a lot.  A group of men talks about their  experiences as OM-ers — men who actually enjoy  focusing on a woman’s clit for 15 minutes.  They talk on a range of topics from the male perspective of sex, the male ego, overcoming male uncertainty of women’s bodies, and dropping cultural bullshit men adopt just to be perceived as masculine in our society.

They talk about:

  • Dropping the competitive nature of their relationship with a woman.
  • Sex becoming goal-less.
  • Enjoying the moment, not planning the sexual experience — map-less.
  • Getting their pride out of the way.
  • Gaining a better connection to their partner.
  • Being more confident in sex and the relationship.
  • Sex lasting for hours.

Please watch this video, then click the button on the right to check out the OM website.

Happy OM-ing!

trish


‘Confessions of an Aroused Woman ~ Chapter 6′ Is on Amazon’s Kindle!


Click to go to Amazon.

I am so excited to announce that my first foray into writing erotica is now available via Amazon’s Kindle!

I have published an excerpt, Confessions of an Aroused Woman – Chapter 6, from my upcoming book of erotica.  Confessions of an Aroused Woman is comprised of experiences based on my personal journal into being a fully orgasmic woman. For those of you who have known me a while or followed my blog posts, you’ll know that this is a new-ish area for me (thanks to religious oppression and a bad marriage).  But I’m SO glad to be here! :)

This excerpt, Chapter 6, is only available on Kindle for right now, and it is free for Amazon Prime Members.  So Prime Members, feel free to “check it out” of the Kindle library.

I hope to have the audiobook of Chapter 6 available by the end of June.  So stay tuned for more info on that!

I’m actually very excited!  All of my writing has to do with human rights of one kind or another — especially women’s rights and women’s right to equality in being sexual (which is natural and normal!!!).  But all my previous writing has been for the stage as a musical, opera, or play.  This is my first time being “published.”

And it’s a bit of an experiment with Amazon, so please let me know how it works.  And PLEASE leave a review Confessions of an Aroused Woman – Chapter 6 — but only if you LIKE it.  :D

YAY!!!

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s Daily OJ.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


DailyOJ 04-25-12 & REVIEW: OM – Getting OneTaste of an Orgasm Meditation


As incredible as it sounds, one slight flex of the index finger can truly change your life.

OM is the clitoris-centric practice brought to the masses by Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm.  In her TEDtalk, “Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman,” Daedone explained how she came to OM-ing and how it changed her.  She says she’s not a New Age “woo-woo” person, but I won’t hold that against her. :)  Daedone is obviously passionate about getting this revolutionary information out to women, and so am I!

Speaking for myself, I find clit-only stimulation and orgasms to be extremely boring — or I did, before OM.  Having discovered my She Spot over a decade ago, I’m rather an aficionado of blended orgasms, stimulating both my She Spot and clit simultaneously to achieve both the full-body waves of the vaginal orgasm and the fireworks’ explosion of heat of the clitoral orgasm.  Since becoming acquainted with my prostate last fall and making peace with my breasts, I have been on a path of rediscovering my body now that I see it as truly mine — not a man’s plaything or a child’s source of nourishment.

I hesitated to even try the OM technique, which only lasts 15 minutes, because it is a couple’s practice, and I’m single.  I tried it the first time and didn’t get much out of it, but that was completely my fault.  After years of blended O’s, stimulating just the clit was weird, made even weirder because the fingering technique is not the hard and fast circles of friggin’ off women are so used to seeing in porn and doing on themselves. The OM touch is a gentle, subtle touch that I didn’t appreciate at first.

Clitoral orgasms are typically localized to the clitoral area, with an explosion that doesn’t leave any lasting orgasmic contractions the way vaginal orgasms do (for me, anyway).  The clitoris is itself much more than just the “rosebud” visible from the outside.  Also, after years of being on the vibration bandwagon thanks to effective marketing that makes women think “assisted” orgasms are better (they’re not), I had absolutely no feeling in my clit at all, unless I used a vibrator.  My clit was dead.  Having thrown my Hitachi Wand in the dumpster a year ago, I had to give my clit time to heal from the nerve damage while I began my new life as a Recovering Vibratoraholic.  It was then I realized that by using a vibrator on my clit and a g-spot vibe inside to orgasm, I hadn’t actually touched my lady’s loins in a damn long time — this was exacerbated by my new life and new stresses as a single mother.  The past year of bodily and orgasmic explorations brought me back in touch with the amazing textures, capabilities, and ever-changing environments of my genitals.  I only WISH I’d known about OM-ing a year ago!

My second go with OM-ing was late at night, when I was in bed and generally feeling very Zen — i.e., lazy but not sleepy.  I was too tired to drag out a toy and expend the energy that would entail, so it seemed to be the perfect time to try OM again.  Thoroughly relaxed — a rarity for me, I allowed myself to have a goalless, non-attachment philosophy toward OM-ing.  OM is simple and unpretentious, similar to how I like my sex.  After all, OM is a technique to make orgasms better, not necessarily to orgasm at that moment — which was good because the thought of a lackluster clitoral orgasm wasn’t appealing. (I was tired, not crazy.)

I set the timer alarm on my phone for the requisite 15 minutes.  As I lay there in the dark, with my nightly meditation CD playing, I began the finger technique on my clit — a very precise technique on an exact part of the clit — and began to have the most amazing sensations.  Heat began to rise up from my clit and circulate like spirals of arousal energy snaking up my body and down my limbs. (You don’t have to subscribe to chakras and chi to get the benefits of this mojo either.)

I could have lived in this energy forever, and knowing I wasn’t trying for an orgasm seemed to take some pressure off, and before I knew it, a huge, full-body orgasm hit.  My back arched, my legs kicked out, and I made my moans that I love so much.  It was incredible.  Actually, it was multiple.  I kept up the precise fingering, and the wave/explosions kept hitting.

It was like having two separate experiences at once: #1: an in-body experience of the orgasms and feelings themselves, and #2: an out-of-body/observer experience that was shocked that I’d just had a full-body O via clit-only stimulation — and not the frantic circle stim either, but the soft, light, unassuming OM flick of the index finger across my long-unappreciated clitoris.

Then the 15-minute alarm sounded.  I have never hated my phone more than at that moment!

The next surprise was the tears.  Since finding my true orgasmic potential, my orgasms are always multiples, and the denouement is always emotional.  The harder the gut-wrenching sobs, the stronger and more numerous the orgasms were.  Crying after a clit-only session was definitely a new one for me!

Since then, my clit has been more responsive to touch and required less stimulation during my other orgasmic pursuits.  I’m still learning about clitoral and vaginal orgasms and how they differ due to the different major nerves that feed feeling to the separate areas.

OM-ing is about discovery, and connection, and awakening.  It is about emotion and relating, and I can only imagine how powerful OM can be with a partner.

The only downside I can see to OM is that men may view it as yet another practice in which they do all the “work” while the woman gets all the “benefits.”  These insecure men probably wouldn’t appreciate the subtle genius of OM anyway.  ***NOTE:  Since the clit and the head of a man’s penis are synonymous, I would theorize that the OM technique could be quite delicious on the man as well, just re-set the 15-minute timer. :) ***

Yes, OM recommends a particular set-up or sacred space called “the nest” to create atmosphere as well as comfort.  It also requires a specific position for both the woman and her partner.  However, I don’t like the idea of the man’s leg laying across the woman’s torso.  For any woman who’s been sexually assaulted, this might bring up previous trauma.

The practice takes 15 minutes.  But once the OM-ing is done, you can both hit the bed (or the diningroom table) and continue with the merry-making.  And for those who are woo-woo-minded, Tantra and other sex practices acknowledge that it takes 15-30 minutes of stimulation to get a women fully aroused and in the multiple orgasm zone.  OM-ing is a great way to spend that 15 minutes.

trish

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OpEd: The Truth About the Hard Fuck, Pulling Out, & Talking Afterward


On another forum, I read a recent series of posts in a particular thread that once again compel me to want to pull my hair out!

A man had discovered his multiple orgasm potential and was sharing the experience with his new female partner. He wanted to try slow sex to avoid the rigorous thrusting that might lead to ejaculation, but she, according to him, just wanted a “hard fuck.” That’s all she ever wanted. She just likes the “hard fuck.”

So he obliged and, in his words, proceeded to “fuck the shit out of her” and alternately did “fuck the crap” out of her.

Lovely….

Equating vigorous sex with forceful defecation is not only immature, it is a bit misogynistic.  To see the men on that forum then applaud the language was disappointing.  I’m glad he’s having wonderful discoveries about his sexual potential, but verbalizing the experience could have been less crude.  And guys wonder WHY women get annoyed with how men approach sex?!

The other points he made included pulling out afterward, that kissing afterward brought him more orgasms, and that he had been afraid to tell her about his multi-orgasmic potential because he didn’t want her to feel “threatened” or “scared” by it.

So allow me to let male readers in on a few things:
1.  WOMEN LOVE SEX.  Why this is news to men, I do NOT know.  We like it slow and deep, and fast and hard (try alternating 4 slow/deep with 8 hard/fast, and repeat over and over)…

2.  Women KNOW men can have multiple orgasms.  We know men are jealous of women’s capability of MO’s even though most women have never orgasmed during sex.  We know men are jealous because they pout like bratty kids not getting their way.

3. The hard fuck is but one delight on a buffet of possibilities.  Maybe she “only” likes the hard fuck because she’s young and has only been exposed to porn and/or exposed to men who grew up watching porn so their only dynamic for having sex is the hard, emotionless fuck.

As women, we are trained directly and indirectly not to show emotion, that men hate emotion during sex and after sex. And heaven forbid a woman cry afterward or ask to be held — that sends the guy into a panic… or so young women are lead to believe.  And men have certainly been misled by mainstream media and porn as to what is expected of a man during sex physically, vocally, and emotionally.

Let’s just say that some emotion during sex is a good thing.  (Otherwise, you’re a zombie or a robot).  Men should feel comfortable enough with the woman to show whatever emotion he is feeling at the moment, and the woman should feel likewise.  If you’re both spending energy holding back and hiding emotion, that’s energy you could be forwarding to the orgasmic experience! But you’re so wrapped up in assuming what the other person wants you to be like that you’re blocking your sexual energy from its full potential.  Drop the bullshit walls and pretense, and revel in being a human, physical, sexual being.

Also, if the woman has a post-orgasm cry (after pleasurable, consensual sex), then you have really hit the jackpot!  Water is the element of emotion, and whether the water released is tears or female ejaculation fluid, strong emotional bonds are formed when the sex is good enough to cause her to cry or ejaculate.  Hence, some women learn to prefer the emotionless hard fuck to avoid emotion and forming bonds.  Don’t confuse this with the occasional overwhelming lust for hard and fast sex — that can feel amazing every now and then.  But if a woman says she “only” wants that “every” time, she’s been trained to think like that, or she is trying to protect herself emotionally from getting hurt via forming an emotional bond through slow sex.

4.  NEVER just pull out.  A woman may not show it (because of the training of “don’t show emotion”), but a man pulling out quickly immediately after sex is like having your soul ripped out (which, by the way, can induce tears from the woman, but NOT the good kind!)  There’s nothing wrong with staying inside for a while — if in doubt, ASK HER.

Roll over onto your sides so neither of you is supporting your body weight.  Let the penis relax while it’s still inside, and talk, caress each other, and kiss (maybe bringing on more full-body orgasms?).  Maybe you’ll be able to experience the incredible feeling of the penis getting hard again — a truly serpentine Kundalini experience!

5.  Women love to talk (much to men’s chagrin), but that’s the great thing about communication.  Women should be able to talk about what they want — not just do what they think the guy expects her to want or expects her to do.  When YOU talk to her, you’re allowing her to feel free — to share what she thinks, feels, and wants.  You both might learn you want the same things.  Talking during sex is great, too, to reaffirm that the touch and position and overall experience is pleasurable.  (Of course, as you get closer to each orgasm, complete sentences might not be entirely possible until you come back down.)  Let your partner know what just worked to send you over the edge, and maybe he or she will be willing to do it again immediately!

Talking afterward is a great way to prolong the experience, re-live it, and share about what you both experienced: the various positions, how you each processed the sensations, etc….  You can discover so much about how the other person really felt, then file that information in your mental orgasm to-do folder.

Women (and men!) who don’t ask for what they want just confound me!!  Too often, people are afraid to ask for what they want because they fear rejection or ridicule. Would you really want to be with someone who would subject you to ridicule?  Better to accept the rejection and cross that person off your list of partners and be done with them. Then you’re open to find a partner who just might be the right combination you need and want.

Agree?  Disagree?  Feel free to leave a comment (but whisper sweet nothings to me first :) ).

Aroused and ready,
trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s Daily O.J.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


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