Tantra: The Cult of Ecstasy is a large-sized paperback book originally published in Britain that covers some of the basics about Tantra, offering accurate information on this ancient, extensive, and often confusing topic. The book features full-color photographs from the Tantra sutras, connecting the reader with Tantric history. The author, Indra Sinha, focuses on the ancient paths of Tantra: the goddesses associated, sacred sites, mantras, and meditations, as well as explains the many misconceptions of Tantra as presented in the West. Sinha was a Sanskrit scholar at Cambridge and also wrote one of the popular modern translations of the infamous Kama Sutra.
The reason I like Tantra: The Cult of Ecstasy is because it touches on so many important topics of Tantra but in manageable pieces, perfectly combined with the photos and visually-friendly layout. The photographs are taken from various primary sources – the Tantra sutras, and incorporate various symbolic aspects that the ancients readily understood but may seem shocking or just weird to the modern viewer. Some of the iconography includes blood-covered goddesses, wriggling serpents, and a plethora of yoni (vulvas) and linga (penises). The book also features centuries-old Tantric drawings and paintings that depict maithuna (sexual union), so this book is “Not Safe For Work” and might be best for readers aged 21 or older.
This book touches on so many important topics in a thorough but easy-to-grasp manner that it makes a perfect beginner’s book to Tantra. I heartily recommend Tantra: The Cult of Ecstasy as a primer for Tantra: The Cult of the Feminine by Andre Van Lysebeth, Tantric Yoga and the Wisdom Goddesses by Dr. David Frawley, and Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga by Sally Kempton. As the umbrella over all the yogas, including hatha and kundalini, Tantra is a shamanic science present in all forms of yogic practice, but the majority of Tantric gnosticism regarding sex is rarely presented at the average yoga studio while being hypersexualized in most New Age Tantric books and workshops.
Another book with a similar cover is Tools for Tantra by North Indian musician and writer Harish Johari, an excellent introduction to the yogic mandalas, Sanskrit mantras, and visual yantras used in Tantra. However, this book is a bit of a dryer read, and so Tantra: The Cult of Ecstasy is still a better opener to Tantra.
As one writer has said, a book without Tantra’s yantra is not really a book on Tantra. Therein lies the great problem with researching Tantra. It is difficult to sort through the numerous books available to ascertain which one will have the best, most reliable information. Finding a teacher versed in real Tantra is even more difficult. Tantra is a way of life, not an hour-long yoga session Monday-Wednesday-Friday, nor a collection of kinky sex positions. Tantra literally means a “tool for expansion” and is thought of as a “web”, a connected yet expanding consciousness, bridging the microcosm with the macrocosm and back again, cyclically.
The author, Sinha, writes on page 15, “The basis of all Tantrism is the worship of Sakti and Siva, the female and the male principles…. Without Sakti, there is no Siva, and no Siva without Sakti.” Sinha states emphatically in the previous paragraph, “Siva and Sakti cannot be separated.” (14-15) This very specific religious and spiritual foundation is probably the reason most Tantrism in the West has been secularized, stripping the “foreign” and non-Christian aspects to make Tantra and sexuality more palatable for sexually-repressed Americans. While I personally, do not subscribe to Sanatana Dharma (“Hinduism”), I appreciate the energies anthropomorphized as the balancing principals of Shakti or Shiva. Sinha has included the “foreign” bits and ancient spiritual practices for the Tantra newcomer.
The photographs of the ancient depictions of Tantra, her goddesses, and the sacred symbols can be jarring at first. The modern observer may find it odd to see detached penises and flying vulvas included in sacred sexuality. I will admit, that it does seem a bit “J. Alfred Prufrock’ed” at times. However, like all symbols, they are meant to jog the memory of the mind, the heart, and/or the subconscious self, not to be the whole story in and of itself.
Intriguing to some and perhaps shocking to others, Tantra: The Cult of Ecstasy helps diminish the hypersexualized celebrity of Tantra and add fact where fiction has reigned in the popular consciousness. Sinha perfectly synthesizes centuries of teachings into a helpful, 154-page book, including an impressive 9-page bibliography and index, that informs but does not overwhelm the senses. Anyone looking to dip her or his toe into the expansive waters of Tantra would do well to start with Sinha’s Tantra: The Cult of Ecstasy.
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On Twitter tonight, I had put out a general question to see what people wanted to talk about. As many are on the last leg of the holidays and the New Year, most are taking the time to focus on how to make 2014 better than last year, and more importantly, how to be better people in 2014.
One Tweep said he is trying to be more positive and be a man of his word, amongst other wonderful intentions. I replied, “Good for you! More people should focus on being positive. It improves attitude and lowers stress by creating happy hormones.”
Then he said, “I live by my new mantra… help others!”
I loved this! When you live a life of helping others, you inevitably help yourself. It’s not about ego or attention; it’s only about being a good human.
Then, in a moment of brilliant insight, he said, “I [u]sed to say to myself ‘I’ll show them’ now I say, ‘I’ll show them… the way.’”
This is a wonderful sentiment and so in tune with a healing path. “I’ll show them” is driven by ego and competition. This has been the foundation of this imperial, patriarchal society for 2,500 years. To “show them” means to attain our own sense of self-worth usually by trampling over others in the process of “winning”. To say, “I’ll show them the way” is a spark of self-realization that you can lead while allowing others to find their path for themselves. Recognize that not everyone is going to want to go on your path, and that’s okay. You can’t control them, just love them.
This is the basic philosophy behind Tantra, after all. There is no correct way or wrong way in Tantra. Tantra is an instrument of expansion for your own growth. Expand your own consciousness and be an example to others, and allow them to pursue their own instrument toward their own awareness of their own consciousness — their path, their way.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Tantra is comprised of two words which mean instrument and expansion, so Tantra is a tool by which you can expand your understanding of the universe, both macrocosmically and microcosmically. On the macrocosmic level, you can endeavor to find the meaning of it all, how you fit in with the universe, why you are here, or why any of this physical experience exists. On the microcosmic scale, Tantra can be your daily grounding in being the best person you can be, expanding your heart to show compassion for others, and being an example to others of how to live in harmony with Nature and honor the Feminine.
In practical terms, making New Year’s resolutions both align with and are in opposition to Tantra. You might want to set out goals for the year, perhaps employing lessons you learned from the previous year. Yet, a Tantrika knows the most important moment is this one. Now. Not last year. Not later this year. Now. Be mindful of this moment. With no attachment. Goalless. No competition. No self-loathing. No comparison to how you looked 20 years ago. How you want to look in six months. No guilt for how you failed on previous goals. No iron-will determination set forth to finally accomplish a lapsed milestone. No trying to change another person so they will love you as you wish they loved you.
Resolutions can be futile because few people can live their lives within the boundaries of absolutes. Making resolutions ahead of time means trying to live your life in a resolute, determined manner. You’re thinking in the future, trying to avoid your past. This is hardly “being in the moment” or being open to experiences or needed lessons. Instead of making individual resolutions, make an overall path to follow for the year by setting out to pursue an idea of learning, growing, experiencing, and allowing yourself the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.
Rather than making a resolution to lose weight or make more money, set forth a path of being a healthier person, being a better person, or just being happier. I, for one, think most overweight people are overweight because of other issues, not food. Food is the drug of choice to numb pain or feed stress, but it is still just the coping mechanism. Beneath the layers of blubber are other issues to be addressed and resolved. Be resolute in solving the mental, emotional, and psychological reasons for eating unhealthily first, then address the addiction of the habitual eating.
Dealing with the impetus of stress and unhappiness is always difficult, but even here, do not attach yourself to the problem or the stress itself. Remove yourself from the immediacy of the issue, step back, and determine how you can make the situation different so you can be happy and healthy and prosperous. If you can’t, perhaps it’s time to move on. No crash diet or extreme workout regimen will offer long-term results. Getting to the root of unhappiness will forge a path of moving on and starting anew.
You are not your mistakes.
Your best resolution is to be a good, compassionate human being. All choices will expand outward from that perspective in the moment, each and every moment, perfectly.
Happy New Year and Merry Resolutionlessness,
I was wondering, what is it supposed to feel like when somebody touches your clit? I have heard it’s supposed to bring a good feeling but not in my case. When my boyfriend touches my clit, I get a really intense kinda uncomfortable feeling. It doesn’t feel bad or hurt but it definitely doesn’t feel good either. And it’s not something I look forward to. My bf always wants to touch it but even if I let him, I stop him after a couple secs cuz it feels intense and uncomfortable. Is this normal?
So much to address here!
Let me assure you that pain or discomfort is never “normal” for any kind of sex ever. No kind of sex (vaginal or anal) or touch or penetration should EVER be painful. EVER. (Okay, that wasn’t exactly your question, but I just want to reiterate that for the readers.) What is “normal” touch sensation for you will be different for someone else, so my “normal” will be different from yours. My “normal” now that I’m extremely in touch with my body will be very different from the “normal” that is “normal” for a female just starting to explore her body. So without knowing your age (18+), your sexual experience, any previous trauma, how you touch yourself, and how he specifically touches you, there’s no way I can guess what would be “normal” for you. But I can say that not-quite-pain, not-quite-pleasure feeling is common at first. So let’s look at this bit by bit.
The external clitoris is literally the tip of the iceberg! Most of the clitoris is inside the body, with several inches of innervated erectile tissue that expands and zings with sensation during arousal. Those inches of erectile tissue that men have hanging outside their body, a.k.a. the penis, is synonymous with the inches of erectile tissue women have; ours is just inside us.
The tip of the clit, that little nub we can see, is technically called the glans, just like the tip of the penis is called the glans. The tip of the clit is usually protected by the clitoral hood, which is synonymous with the penile foreskin. With around 8,000 nerve endings, the clitoral glans is VERY sensitive to touch. In fact, if you can see the tip, the clit is actually in the non-erect state; but that doesn’t mean she’s not enjoying herself — she probably is! Nearing climax, the clit will seem to “disappear” into the fleshy folds of the vulva; but she’s not retreating from touch, she’s actually getting a full erection on! This is usually when “vigorous” touch can be exquisite.
The clitoral body can be stimulated externally by (gently) pressing on the mons pubis area or internally via various fingering and stroking techniques inside the vagina. (Reminder: the female prostate is on the anterior wall of the vagina and is a different anatomical structure.) When a woman is nearing climax, there is often a “vice grip” clench at the opening of the vagina; these are the clitoris’ vestibular bulbs near the entrance. The clit is actually quite extensive and complex, comprised of 18 distinct parts. Your clit is MUCH MORE than just the nub on the outside!
But let’s remember, those are 8,000 plugged-in nerve endings. Touching them before they are ready to receive pleasure input can feel awkward or even painful. Since you sound like a young adult, I’m going to assume your boyfriend is the overly eager type who just wants to start pawing at your body (perhaps because that’s what he’s seen in porn, or he may be new to all this as well). This is NEVER okay. The man NEVER touches you anywhere unless YOU are ready to be touched. You’ll know when your clit is begging to be touched, and if he doesn’t touch you properly or is clumsy, you have the right to tell him how to touch you. It sounds like you are willing to stand up for yourself, and that is great! You have complete autonomy over your body.
Here’s were I have to interject yet another consequence of circumcision. If your man is circumcised, he may be accustomed to needing “rough” stimulation due to keratinization (callousing of skin) on his penis glans. If your man is not circumcised, explain to him that touching your clit with little or no prior arousal is like someone yanking his foreskin back and going straight for the underside of his penis glans. This can be very uncomfortable for the intact man! No one likes too much sensation too soon, which is what it sounds like you’re experiencing from your boyfriend.
Keep in mind, there is a reason the female needs to be fully aroused before going for the clit or the vagina. From a Tantra perspective, the woman and the man have positive and negative poles, like on a magnet. For the woman, the positive pole is the heart chakra, home to her heart and her breasts, with the negative pole being the genitals. For the man, the positive pole is his root/sex chakra, home to his penis and testicles, with the negative pole being his heart chakra. Biologically, the woman needs 15 to 30 minutes of dedicated arousal, or as I like to call it — puja (worship :-) ) to prepare the vagina for sex. The same way a singer has to warm up before performing, think of this time as necessary preparation — fun, delicious preparation for continued, evolving, expanding, rapturous ecstasy. Therefore, this time allows the woman’s body, especially the genitals, to become ready to receive touch and penetration and pleasure. It’s no coincidence that focus on the woman’s heart chakra would be key. Not only does it stimulate the woman emotionally, but a woman’s nipples are wired directly to her clit. Breast puja = a turned on, horny clit. Any man who doesn’t want to commit 15 minutes of breast/sensual touch puja isn’t worth your time.
This 15 minute warm-up doesn’t have to be solely focused on the breasts. Any sensual touch and massage will awaken the subtle body. This includes kissing, nibbling, caressing, talking, laughing. Once the woman is ready for more direct touch, the woman can allow the man to begin with touch and kisses on the insides of her thighs, the outer labia, the mons pubis — basically, loving all the way around the clit until you are ready for more. As you become more experienced and more familiar with your body’s responses, you may not need this much time. In fact, when you are able to stay in an aroused state — recognize that orgasm is an energy field you can slip into any time you want, you may not need much prep touching at all. Just thinking of your man will send your spine arching back into orgasm and your clit throbbing for touch! (In time, you’ll learn how to control this response when you’re in public, like shopping at the grocery story or the library. :-D )
Keep in mind, physical climax is different from energy orgasms. Men often confuse ejaculation (climax) with orgasm. These are two separate functions: ejaculation is a physical reflex of the sympathetic nervous system, while orgasm is a response via the parasympathetic nervous system. Since men need less time to get aroused and ready for penetration, they tend to focus on the end, rather than enjoying the journey. (Another horrible legacy of standard porn, too.) Just like for the woman, this arousal time is also a time of breathing and relaxing for the man. When your mind and/or body is stressed, pleasure can be elusive. Take your time to get warmed up and totally invested in your body’s journey to pleasure. There is plenty of time to get hot and heavy — once you’re BOTH aroused to the point of a crazed fuck-for-all.
Note: This initial phase of arousal is usually called “foreplay”, a term I despise since it places the importance of the sexual experience on “sex” which is usually defined by the penetration, i.e., when the penis enters the vagina. This devalues the woman and the woman’s biological needs of arousal in order to accept a penis (or toy) without pain. So I do not use the term foreplay. Puja is my personal preference. Puja, the idea of honoring the person and their body, also puts respect back into the sensual, sexual experience, in my opinion.
You should know, Anon, that it takes time to get to know your clit and the rest of your sexual anatomy. And you should spend a lot of time with her — just you and her. This way you get to know how she likes to be touched, without the pressure of a panting, horny Lothario rushing you and making you feel uncomfortable or not “normal”. Masturbation is a beautiful way to honor yourself (self-puja) and learn about yourself and your body. Through masturbation, she won’t feel so foreign to you, and you will begin to integrate her into your body and your overall sexual being-ness.
After you are more familiar with your body, show your boyfriend how you like to be touched. Masturbate in front of him, but he can’t help you — he needs to watch and learn. (He can help later on.) More often than not, a lighter, gentler touch is needed at first. In fact, once your body is awakened, you might even have labia-gasms and sheet-gasms. Hard touch is usually ONLY desired at the absolute height of passion and usually NEVER at the beginning of a love-making session. When your clit is really ready, you’ll know because you’ll start looking for things to hump. If you start eyeing the arm of the sofa with lust, that’s usually a good sign your clit needs some determined lovin’.
Recap of what we covered:
1 – Learn your clit’s likes and dislikes via masturbation; then when you’re ready, it’s show-and-tell time to teach your man.
2 – Female and male sexual anatomy are synonymous, for the most part. Some things are similar to both the woman and the man, so teaching the man about the woman’s anatomy will help him understand how your body responds.
3 – Prior arousal is required for pleasure. As you become more experienced, you may not need as much prep-time, but for now, insist on at least 15 minutes of sensual touch on other parts of your body to get your clit primed for touch.
4 – To learn various touch techniques for the clit, look through some of the videos and info here where the clit rules and men are glad to offer puja to a woman’s body (or willingly lie back and let the woman drive the orgasm train).
Feel free to leave a comment, especially if you want to offer more info so we can be more specific.
Thanks so much for trusting me with your clit. :-)
Forgive me, readers, it’s been almost 4 months since my last confession…. Yes… it has been almost 4 months since my last DailyOJ post, in which I expounded upon an incredible revelation with the newest member of Trishtopia’s TeamPenis.
I held off on writing up these experiences, not because I wasn’t having any experiences (I was!), but I found out that my then-husband had discovered this blog, and since the divorce was heating up, I decided to lay low for a bit. But I AM NOW DEEEEEEEE-VORCED, y’all! WOO-HOO!!!!!! I’m FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
I was also in the planning of my radio show, ArousedWoman Radio, that started as The Trish Causey Show, but I changed it to AW — and my show has taken off like crazy! I’m so happy!! Be sure to listen to the replays on the AW website and tune in to the LIVE shows on AW’s radio page. (<== shameless plug)
And honestly, I was also pretty darn pissed off that my last DailyOJ post had been rated by 5 voters at an average of 3.5 stars (out of 5 stars)…. <insert Irish rant> …. Ya know…. I started doing the rating system so people could rate my NEWS articles and possibly my OpEd pieces. But frankly, I really don’t need anyone’s judgment on MY personal sexual and sensual experiences OR on how I relay MY PERSONAL orgasmic awakening HERE on MY FUCKING BLOG. SO if you don’t like that my journey is EMOTIONAL or INNER-expansive or ESOTERIC or just not what you were expecting this blog to be because you’re fucking deluded by the KoolAid of porn and skin mags, then DON’T JUDGE ME or my experiences or HOW I CHOOSE TO EXPRESS THEM!!!!!!!!!! Go jerk off elsewhere. Seriously.
Now…. where was I… Oh, yes….
For those of you who have followed my DailyOJ, you’ll know that I have done a mix of techniques to achieve my awakening. Some worked. Some didn’t. So I purposely did not do any techniques in the past 4 months to see how my body maintains my awakening, i.e., will I lose my various orgasmic experiences by NOT practicing. The past 5 weeks in particular, my daughter has been out of school, so I no longer have a way to do my practice as I need to — with NO ONE else here (‘cuz I’m loud :-) ).
So, did I lose my awakenings? Not exactly, but I have noticed a difference. However, with the stress of my divorce, closing out the AW Forum, starting the AW Radio show, no privacy, and just life in general, all of this probably has impacted my subtle body more than not “practicing” has. (Side note: I also tried very diligently at being vegetarian for several weeks… that didn’t work out. Sorry, my Hare Krishna friends!!)
I have also been working on designing my online orgasm training video classes that I will probably have up by September. I hope to film the video modules in August (when a specific Aussie microphone is finally available here in the U.S.). I’ve already made a meditation track to go with it, and I need to record the vocals for it. But just in the couple times I’ve done the specific meditation as I outline it in my training, the results have been very good! :-D
Note: Stay tuned here on the blog, or sign up for my newsletter to get more info on the O training.
In the midst of all of this, I began a training practice in Tantra in February with a teacher in Miami. I’ve studied Tantra for a while, but didn’t like the cheezy neo-Tantra workshops or online classes I’ve seen, so I never bothered with those. I wanted to expand my knowledge on real Tantra and have a personal teacher I could ask questions and get legit Tantra information. The truth is that I made the mistake of starting this Tantra training during this crazy, stressful time, and never actually did any of the practices. Being certified in yoga and having studied Tantra and Kundalini, I already knew a good bit of the info and the concepts — which was affirming that I was in the right place! — and I learned stuff I didn’t know, which was great.
I also didn’t do the physical practices of the Tantra training for the same reason I didn’t do the practice I had been doing that had led to my amazing orgasmic awakenings, in the first place. So then, I felt like a bad student. I felt guilty — if a voice student had not done his physical homework and then attended a voice lesson with me, I’d be pissed. It’s a lack of respect. AND he’s not getting out of it what he could. The physical practice is required for the true transformation to happen. Awakening isn’t just mind candy. You can’t attain true enlightenment by philosophizing your way through other people’s concepts. You have to get the movements into your muscle memory, get the energy of change into every cell in your body as you awaken to the changes you feel in your subtle body. This doesn’t automagically happen just because you sat your ass on a mountaintop. You gotta do the work! :-) And I knew that… and I purposely laid off the physical work… so I was just a bad student….
Thankfully, my teacher is a balanced, Tantric-Zen type of dude and much more understanding than I am. :-) He knows that life is chaotic for many people.
I’m also in what I call a chrysallis stage — that phase when the being is in a cocoon, morphing into a different existence. Last year, I embarked on a decidedly holistic path, and it’s led me here. Having this blog, relating my experiences, doing my radio show that features so many of the topics that interest me — from sex to Astral Travel, from politics to arts and culture, and so many other esoteric concepts — I really do feel whole. And this is what I wish for others. To feel that same sense of whole-ism, not feeling scattered amidst the chaos of their home life, work, raising kids, going to school, putting up a front for society’s approval. Be whole. Be you. You’ll be much happier.
And then…. just as I was rounding out this month…. my radio show is getting thousands of listeners…. my divorce finally signaled I am a FREE WOMAN!…. working on my orgasm training…. I spent the last couple of days re-doing some of my Tantra training… and then POOF! I felt my prostate come alive the way she has 2 or 3 times now, just before an incredible new level of awakening happens…. and so I’m sitting back and enjoying what I’m experiencing…. when I can sit…. sometimes, she’s so powerful, I have to dance….
More on that in Part 2!
Aroused and morphing,
TUNE IN at 9:00 p.m. ET to hear Trish Causey Hosts a LIVE AskTrish Show on Female Sexuality.
Just a few of my topics tonight:
- A few readers’ comments and questions submitted via my AskTrish page
- The perception of women’s sexuality in society and religion
- Why women’s bodies are still considered overtly sexual and not plain ol’ human
- Double standards in TV and media between men’s bodies and women’s bodies
- FEMALE MASTURBATION!!!!!!!!!!
- What women want from sex, and HOW we want our sex!
Listeners can CALL IN with your questions or comments by dialing (347) 884-8792 or calling in to the show via Skype — click the BLUE SKYPE ICON on AW Radio’s LIVE page. You can also post questions and comments in AW Radio’s LIVE page chat room (opens 10 minutes before the start of the show).
I’m really looking forward to this one! :-)
Sadly, many people judge my book by its Jessica Rabbit cover and move on…. sniff…. (that was a joke, people… seriously!)
Well, not any more! I posted the first of what I hope will become an almost weekly event — Trish’s Rant! A little time and space carved out of the universe for me to get my Irish on and tell the world how I see it. (This probably is not for the faint of heart.)
This week’s topic is “Trish’s Womanifesto – A Treatise on Being an ArousedWoman.”
Listen to the replay, then lemme know what you think by leaving a comment at the end of this blog post.
As the host of Musical Theatre Talk, I did a LOT of shows on the voice. The one show I never got to do — because I had listeners of all ages, was a show on how the voice is affected by sex, the sounds we make and even the sounds we don’t.
On the show, “Sex & the Voice,” Master voice teacher and voice researcher Jeannette LoVetri will elucidate on the anatomy of the voice as well as what happens to the voice when making certain sounds during sex. We will also cover what can happen to the voice when we try to stifle sounds so as not to be heard by neighbors or others in our home (or elsewhere) during trysts.
We will discuss how the effects of sexual trauma can inhibit sound production during consensual sex.
Some of the topics we talked about included the following:
- Basic anatomy of larynx.
- Sound production during sex — from glottal stops to moaning to yelling in ecstasy. What is healthy for the voice? What could damage the voice?
- What happens when we purposely do NOT use the voice during pleasure? Is there any damage from stifling sound?
- The damage to the voice/throat area due to certain sex fetishes such as choking partner during orgasm.
- Using sound to raise sexual energy, such as in Tantra and Kundalini.
- How sexual trauma inhibits sound during sex/making love.
I can think of no better place to begin discussing Mind, Body, and Spirit topics than with breathing. Considering that the act of breathing is something most of us take for granted, the role of breathwork and mindful breathing can be truly transformative to your mind, your body, and your spirit.
The process of breathing is a complex coordinated effort that involves the whole torso, not just the lungs. If you follow a yogic or body awareness path, then breathing can be a full-body sport. As a voice teacher, I start all my students on ujjayi breathing, the belly breathing technique from yoga, before we sing any scales or attempt any songs. The student must begin to incorporate ujjayi breathing into their everyday life and subsequently into their singing. Phonation (sound production) is based on airflow. While vocal science research has shown that the vocal folds are responsible for controlling airflow across the vocal folds when we speak or sing, breathing is a coordinated dance of the abdominal muscles, the thoracic and pelvic diaphragms, as well as the internal and external intercostal muscles of the ribcage (to say nothing of the bronchi and alveoli inside the lungs responsible for the gas exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide).
Deep, calm breathing has many relaxing and healthful benefits mentally and somatically.
When we are under stress, nervous, or anxious, the body releases stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. An adrenal response evolved from the human body’s early days, adrenaline is great if you’re chasing a mammoth or running from a saber-tooth tiger. It’s not so great if you’re about to go on stage to recite your lines or enter a restaurant on a first date. Adrenaline floods the brain, sort of shutting down the frontal lobes, which are responsible for things like language. (Another reason being nervous before an audition or a date can leave you stumbling for words like a blithering idiot.) With the frontal cortex on coffee break, the primal brain takes over and straddles the fence in fight-or-flight mode. Deep, slow breathing can counter all of this, calming the mind and allowing the stress to be manageable so you can deal with it like a rational human and not a caveman. Breathwork allows you to focus on the task at hand or ease your pesky thoughts away if you’re trying to meditate.
Try sitting alone, with all noisy electronic devices turned OFF, and just breath deeply for 10 or 15 minutes.
Breathing is the action by which we replenish that chemical that is pertinent to our existence: oxygen. Breathing high in the chest — upper chest breathing — is a style of breathing in early English and French singing, but it is not recommended for any singing, speaking, or breathwork, in my opinion, because upper chest breathing also triggers the release of adrenaline. Breathe low in the belly, breathing down into the pelvic diaphragm. In voice, this style of breathing is called appoggio, but it is basically ujjayi breathing. I’ve been known to have students lie on the floor or sit against the wall in chair pose to feel the expansion of the back while breathing and singing. While on the floor, I have them place their binder or sheet music on their stomach so they can see when the book rises and falls and learn to associate that feeling with proper, deep abdominal expansion and contraction. A mirror is crucial to see the ribs moving outward away from the torso.
When we focus on breathing, we tend to focus on our body and our alignment, taking an inventory of how we’re doing physically. Tantra and Kundalini paths use different breathing exercises like kapala bhati and bhastrika that really, really work the body — these are powerful breath practices that require guidance from a teacher, especially if you’re engaging the body by applying “locks” at certain chakras. And in case you’re wondering, oxygen feeds orgasms!
A basic Sun Salutation is a great way to combine deep breath and body work to get the blood and oxygen flowing.
The word spirit comes from the Latin spiritus meaning “soul, vigor, breath,” derived from the word spirare which means “to breathe,” the root of both of these being spir. When we are born, the first thing we do once the umbilical cord is cut is breathe — we take in breath, we are in-spir-ed, or inspired. The last thing we do before we shake off this mortal coil is to exhale our last breath — ex-spire, or expire. In between that first inspiration and our final expiration, we take in and release breath repeatedly, or as we call it re-spir-ation, the act of respiration.
It is no coincidence to me that the lungs are located right there at the heart chakra. Whenever we are touched emotionally — in a good way or unpleasant way, we tend to either gasp, inhale quickly, or exhale in sadness or disbelief. I feel our emotions and breath are connected. Mindful breathing helps us stay rooted, grounded to the earth, when circumstances leave our mind — or our heart — reeling. Deep breathing can also lower blood pressure and slow a racing pulse.
Breathwork is absolutely fundamental to being healthy. The art of being inspired repeatedly throughout our life is as simple as breathing. When we’re overwhelmed, overly excited, can’t focus, or can’t think, deep breathing can help keep us centered and better prepared to relax into our task at hand or meditation session.
That was random I know, but you share so much about your life and experiences that I wondered how you were doing in the areas that you don’t speak about. You have every right to say nothing. I just enjoy getting a better understanding of the woman behind the blog.
What do you like to do in your spare time, when you’re not being a sex guru or a mom? What do you hope to achieve in the next year, 5 years or 10 years? What is something that no matter how upset or angry you are always manages to make you smile or at least smirk? If knowledge is power, when it comes to the content of your Aroused Woman blog, how powerful do you feel?
All hail Queen Vagina!
You’re sweet! :-) A few posts back, I announced that I was branching out with ArousedWoman(TM), re-focusing on “Awakening Sexuality Through Mind, Body, & Spirit.” So I’ll be posting lots of new topics and crazy wack-a-doo posts that I feel are relevant to my growth and that I hope are interesting to my readers.
As you can see from my “random post” on astral travel, that experience had a profound effect on me — not just my perception of what’s on the Other Side, but experiencing what actually is and is NOT on the Other Side confirmed for me many “beliefs” in regard to humanity, religion, society, etc. My beliefs-turned-knowledge affect me sexually (i.e., there’s no hell and certainly no “sin” as classified by controlling religious dogma), the experience of pure love (I know what I’m looking for when it comes to love, I won’t settle for anything less, and love has to be felt — it can’t be intellectualized or rationalized, i.e., If I love him enough, he’ll change, so I’ll love him really hard and work to change him into the person I want him to be.), and other concepts I’m still integrating even after the 9 or 10 years since the experience.
Which brings me to my “spare time”… Just yesterday, in fact, my daughter asked me, “Just what do you do during the day?” And I had to tell her the truth. Not much. I’m a Libra, a mind-candy person. I’m a creator. It’s difficult for me to actually finish anything because once it’s complete, it’s over — I can’t mind-candy it anymore. But my creative works have to be completed if I’m gonna earn a paycheck and feed my child.
I spend most of my time reading, learning, experimenting, walking, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, meditating, pondering, writing, tweeting, doing laundry, working, walking, composing music, looking at the trees, studying leaves, watching squirrels and birds interact, more reading, more research, more questing, listening to the wind, being witchy, brewing concoctions, making cool witchy stuff, doing web design for new clients, creating different workshops, textile design, writing, writing, writing, tweeting…
I don’t have “spare time” in that I do what I love for a living (theatre), and I’m currently working on 2 new training certifications, after which, I’ll go for 2 more. (I’m already certified in yoga and Pilates.) Because I do what I love, I don’t earn a lot of money — I live simply and have found that to be rather wonderful. I go to bed every night thoroughly happy with my life. I wish there were more time in the day, but I know I used the time I had to enrich my life, provide for my daughter, and enjoy being in this meat-suit while being amazed at the beauty that is around me.
It can be surreal sometimes. I’ve had people say, “Wow, you lucked out writing for a living.” No, I was in the performing arts for 36 years, I’m an award-winning composer, I hosted a radio show that had 27,000 listeners worldwide (that I put on hold to start ArousedWoman and fight the idiocy of the GOP during the 2012 POTUS election), and I have something to say. I created my “luck” by working my ass off and paying my “dues.” I earned my right to write for a living.
Currently, I’m creating an online course on Musical Theatre training topics, I’m starting a new project (a magazine), and I will get back to my theatre radio show soon. I’m also going to teach some health workshops in my local area to help supplement my income. I’m also working on the ArousedWoman cookbook, and I’m creating my orgasm training method (which will be in beta testing soon for anyone who wants to contact me to participate in it).
I’m still trying to get the AW Forum going and still raising money for ArousedWoman Radio, to interview guests and answer people’s question in real time. But that is slow-going. It will happen in its own time, I guess.
Most of my time is spent on personal growth, getting healthy, and growing my experiences sexually, sensually, tantrically. I want to be a complete human, not a shell of a human in the rat race of society, as so many people are. I want to help others get out of that kind of life — to help them make a better life for themselves, get healthier, find some kind of peace in this crazy world — to see that happiness in self and happiness in life are connected. I want to help people overcome their PTSD with sexual trauma. I want to help others see beyond the hypocrisy of religion, politics, and government — that all that bullshit doesn’t really matter — and if it does matter to you, then don’t just complain, actually get off your ass and do something about it.
I want to help people get off the lie that is the insensitive Western medical system which is being undermined by the pharmacological industry. I want to inspire others to get back to the “beauty way,” back to Mother Earth because the livestock and dairy industries are killing our planet and our bodies. We are not separate from the earth — the earth isn’t just the thing under the sidewalks and asphalt — the earth is our food, our air, our water, our home, our reason for incarnating to this physical plane. If the living biosphere of the earth weren’t so important to us, we would have incarnated on Mars or somewhere else. Duh.
I want people to take back their power to heal themselves without fear of criminalization from the oppressive forces in control of our society.
I want women to take back our rightful place as healers, warriors, judges, peacemakers — as we were before patriarchal misogyny made women property, whores, and household slaves.
Where do I want to be in 5 years? Hopefully, I will have finished my Bachelor’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University and will be nearly finished with my Master’s in Women’s Spirituality. After that, I may take 2 years to study Sanskrit at St. John’s University in Arizona. And of course, 6 years from now, I hope to have completed my work to be an official teacher of Tantra. Essentially, I want to be able to keep a roof over my head while helping others.
I used to think this life was too long. In the past century, we have tripled our life expectancy. Why? Wasn’t 35 years of war, struggle, famine, disease, and natural disasters enough? Now, we have to endure this for 72, or 85, or 105 years?! Now, I see that even that long is not enough. This is a great time to be in a meat-suit on the physical plane. It is a truly wondrous time of change, and we’re a part of it. The past century — this past year! — has seen the rise of women and the awareness of human rights that is 2,000 years overdue.
I just want to do my part to “Be the change.” In my own particular brand of “random,” witchy, artistic, holistic, bohemian, awakening, loudmouth IrishLava. :-) But understand, we really can’t change other people; we can only change ourselves and be the example of change we hope to inspire in others.
Copyright 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
Those of you who have followed my orgasm journal have read about my path to becoming a multi-orgasmic and spontaneously orgasmic woman. I’ve experienced all sorts of -gasms from multiple orgasms, heart-gasms, leg-gasms, nipple-gasms, urination-gasms, labia-gasms — you name it, my body has -gasmed there.
I embarked on this journey as a means of healing from sexual abuse as a child, rape as an adult, and a miserable marriage. I just wanted to be able to feel sensation in my clit again after doing damage from vibrators — and to be able to orgasm during sex, a seemingly impossible feat I never accomplished with a partner. Since starting this path via research, trial and error, and a few different “methods,” I have experienced orgasms, emotions, and awakenings physically and emotionally that I never dreamed were possible. Along the way, I’ve made mistakes and had revelations, and it has all been one big learning experience.
I had begun a practice about a year ago that is essentially breathing, sound, and touch — supposedly, a protocol “discovered” by accident. I now feel that this is inaccurate, since combining breathing, sound, and touch is an ancient practice to awaken the subtle body, to trigger the energy fields of the meridians, and to rewire the parasympathetic nervous system.
After all, orgasm is both a physical event and an energy event. Different systems are activated to bring about each kind of orgasm.
In documenting my journey, I was able to go back and see what I did, when, the circumstances of my emotions at the time, any physical factors, as well as my experiences with the protocol itself, and how it affected me. (THIS is why journaling is so important — not necessarily at the time of the experience, but it can be very important later.) Looking back, I noticed that I did everything exactly opposite of what was given in the “protocol,” and when I tried to do it correctly, I hurt my voice or didn’t experience as much as when I did it “wrong.” Mostly, though, when doing it “wrong,” I experienced huge leaps forward in my orgasmic journey, and I knew that I was doing a practice that was centuries old, a Tantric type of breathing meditation with sound that awakens the body, the mind, and even the spirit/consciousness self.
Incorporating sensual massage and my solo version of the OM clit technique took my orgasmic experiences to a new level. Learning to love my breasts and starting to accept my body as she is has been healing in many ways, not the least of which has been the change in how I make love to myself.
Over the past year, as I began to sink a little too deep into Yin energy personally while expending inordinate amounts of Yang energy during the push to the 2012 POTUS election (combating GOP repressive crap), I experienced the sexual downward cycles that follow every sexual upsurge high. I no longer craved manually stimulated orgasms or solo sex sessions. I could do barely-there nipple stim or gentle clit and labia stim and have those orgasms and be perfectly happy. I began to fear I was losing my sex drive. Now, as I am again experiencing changes in my orgasms (that I will write up soon), I have left that other protocol behind and have begun firmly on a Tantric path.
I have started working with a Tantric teacher in Miami, and I am so very happy to be on this path. The program takes a minimum of six years to complete, so it is definitely a commitment. At this time, it feels right, and I hope to be able to complete it. I can’t wait to see what I experience in six months, a year, five years from now by working with a real Tantric. I know that sounds like forever to some of you, but in the past couple of years I’ve learned that it takes time to process and integrate the new awakenings of the subtle body with the physical body and the emotional and psychological aspects of our selves.
Tantra is a beautiful journey of awareness, transformation, and expansiveness, not the sex orgy touted by “gurus” and media for tabloid fodder… though sex is certainly improved by Tantra consciousness being present.
As Georg Feuerstein says in Tantra, The Path of Ecstasy:
“It is no accident that true Tantric practitioners are called “heroes” (vira), because they must navigate in treacherous waters that demand constant vigilance and great inner strength…. There are no shortcuts, and the quest for quick fixes and weekend enlightement is merely one of the symptoms of the kali-yuga, governed by delusion and greed.”
I think I will be blogging my experiences here, so stay tuned.
Here’s a consult I did tonight over Twitter — yes, Twitter. See! Consults are conveniently arranged via phone, Skype, or even Twitter. Sure, you can ask me a question for an AskTrish post, but it can take a while (read: months) to get an answer posted due to the number of questions I receive. To schedule a consult — especially if your question is time-sensitive, just contact me via the Consult page on my website.
NOTE: I know this client, so some info on his background, health, etc., were not covered in this Consult. In this Transcript, Twitter typos have been fixed. Permission to use was granted by the client, who is represented by Q (Querier).
Q: I have had sex with 2 women in the past 3 months. I have had problems before but moved past it. The first few times I sleep with a woman, I can’t climax, and I have a hard time staying erect. I can’t focus, and all I think about is if she is enjoying it and I just totally suck. LOL
T: You’re putting too much pressure on yourself!
Q: It has been that way since I first had sex.
T: There are tell-tale signs a woman is enjoying sex that you can look for. Read my post on “The Face of Orgasm.”
Q: I feel that way and think about her because I have a hard time staying hard. It just stays semi and like floppy, it’s bigger so it’s harder to control when not hard.
T: You need to read my blog more often. Seriously. Orgasm is NOT the same as ejaculation. You can orgasm for hours and never even get an erection. Read my rant on “Have Multiple Orgasms Already!”
A “floppy” penis is actually normal for a larger penis. Even getting hard, a larger penis may not stand at full attention and has nothing to do with your arousal level. If you’re getting anxious, that triggers adrenaline, which affects the brain, breathing, and triggers the fight-or-flight reflex, as well as releases stress hormones like cortisol.
Q: Yeah, that’s how I feel, I’m nervous the first few times. I don’t enjoy sex and can’t come close to climax. After the first 3 or 4 times, I’m good.
T: What changes by the 3rd or 4th time that you can actually enjoy sex?
Q: I think I finally get comfortable, get used to her feel, her movements, I guess.
T: How does she react those first few times? Does she say or do something that makes you feel less “manly” or just inadequate? Or does she go out of her way (or maybe overboard) to boost your ego?
Q: I have never asked. Some women don’t come back. Those that stick around like it. I just feel embarrassed, and it gets worse each time.
T: Are you drinking alcohol? On any meds, legal or otherwise?
Q: There have been times when this has happened that I had been drinking and it happened. Most times, sober.
T: Alcohol is a social norm, but terrible for sexual response! But even sober, you’ve had enough bad experience with this that you’re talking yourself into being anxious even if you’re not realizing it. Sex with a person the first time is always a little nerve-wracking. And if a woman doesn’t understand that, she’s not for you anyway.
Have you told the women up front that you’re nervous? That you focus on the woman so much you sometimes don’t climax, and that’s okay with you? As in, you are focused on HER, and not yourself. That you just want to be with her?
Q: I never have said anything.
T: Ah… Communication is paramount. This is why one-night stands and at-the-bar hook-ups can be difficult for some people. They don’t feel comfortable talking about such things. You have to talk to the woman.
I also think you should begin some yoga or meditation exercise that helps you with stress and anxiety. You don’t need alcohol or meds to help with this, IMHO. Learn to control your breathing, which actually affects your brain, hormone response, and nervousness.
Q: How do I go about starting the anxiety control?
T: Contact a yoga or meditation teacher in your area. You want to find someone who is experienced in yoga (hatha, ashtanga, tantra, kundalini) — some tradition that is REAL yoga, not New Age… especially if you seek a Tantra teacher — you need a REAL Tantra teacher, not a New Age one. The purpose of the breathing meditations is so you get into your body to control the reactions you’re having to stress…
Q: I see, I never thought of that. I will do that! So how do I go about being intimate the first time?
T: Dude, you’re jumping ahead here! You’re not ready to have sex yet.
Q: LOL I see that!
T: Of course, I teach this as well. :-) But you need a teacher that you can learn from w/o having sexual attraction to — like a man… (Not that you’re attracted to me, that’s not what I’m saying! Just that a male teacher might be better for you.)
Q: Like shadow a man you mean?
T: Learning from a male teacher will have a different energy than if you’re studying with a female (since you’re straight, the opposite would be true if you were a gay man). Since you’re doing this with the idea of great sex being the benefit, learning from a woman might trigger some of that stress.
Q: So what would I learn from him?
T: For starters, a man who’s mastered breathing and stress control would be better able to teach you how to control a penis, from the man’s perspective.
Q: Wouldn’t triggering the stress help me learn to deal with it?
Q: Well, can you help me. Even from a distance, I imagine you can.
T: If you want the male teacher, I can recommend one. And you could tell him about the sexual side of things, whereas you might feel weird talking about this with the average yoga teacher you don’t know, or talking about this with a man you’re afraid will mock you. Finding a teacher you feel completely safe with is crucial.
Q: There is a reason I came to you with this problem!! Okay, you are the master. Thank you.
T: You’re welcome. :-)
If you read my post from the other day, you know ArousedWoman is now 1 year old — and what a year it has been! I did not set out to create what ArousedWoman has become — I just followed my heart to continue my activism for myself personally and “to stir to action” and “awaken” others to the need for activism for women’s rights and other issues collectively. And poof! ArousedWoman is now arousing readers around the world.
As I review everything that’s gone on in 2012, I am re-focusing ArousedWoman for 2013 and beyond. My activism is definitely still here (sorry, men :-)), but I want to hone in on specifics to awaken people to healthy sexuality and a sex-positive outlook. Sex is not about control, or pain, or staying quiet to keep the peace in a relationship. Our sexual happiness is fundamental to our happiness as human beings, and I don’t think true happiness is possible if we’re playing manipulative games within our sexual relationships.
If you’ve read much of my blog, then you’ll know that I approach sexuality from a Tantric perspective, with leanings toward Kundalini and other ancient wisdom. With so many people trying to find their sexual identity in our 21st century soulless culture, a link to the past is a good grounding for wading through the murky flotsam and getsam of shame, fear, and guilt pervading our Puritanical society.
I think the human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful. Orgasms are beautiful — and natural — and healthy. With that as my foundation, I am re-focusing ArousedWoman to “Awakening Sexuality in Mind, Body, and Spirit.”
Not just a sex blog, I want to help people on a myriad of levels. Sexual health begins in the mind, but vitality of the body and spirit are just as crucial to being happy sexually, and in turn, happy in your everyday life. And my dear atheist readers, don’t get scared by the word “spirit”! Spirit has nothing to do with religion (religion is an evil pyramid scheme for an elite core of men to gain and maintain their power and wealth). I may throw some good ol’ pagan sex rite stuff in here occasionally, but trust me, religion is NOT on the menu here!
Orgasm is not just a physical phenomenon but more truly an intangible response of the subtle body and the parasympathetic nervous system. I will cover some non-traditional aspects of holistic growth such as exploring dreams, meditation, breathing, stress relief, raising energy, shamanism, Tantric bodywork, bioenergetics, the brain vs. the mind, meat-based diet vs. vegetarianism, nutrition, exercise, and controversial topics such as entheogens and polyamory, to name a few.
Beginning this summer, I will be creating videos that address some of the issues and posting them on my new YouTube page. The videos will cover anatomy, nutrition, exercise, and more topics that I will also cover here in the blog. Why not sooner, you may ask? I need to get a video camera with a mic input. So until I upgrade to an iPhone or shell out some moolah for an actual digicam with a mic input, the videos will be on hold till summer-ish.
And I’m close to announcing the beta test for my orgasm training method, so be sure to sign up for my newsletter for more information on how to apply for that when the time comes.
All in all, I am profoundly grateful for all my new friends I’ve gained in the past year. It really has been amazing! Looking ahead, 2013 is destined to be even better. Stay tuned for exciting developments!
A male member of the AW Forum posted a discussion in the Music to Set the Mood area, saying:
“Just thought I would add a category that I like to call ‘Hard Erotica.’ It’s a little more gritty and animalistic… Sometimes a good fuck requires a little hair pulling….”
Seriously? We’re back to the “so easy a cave man could do it” attitude toward sex?
The songs to which this member linked were dance-music, “hardcore erotica” tracks from Basic Instinct and Madonna. As a composer of real music, I find that this sort of computerized drivel personifies what is wrong with popular music (overproduced, over-sampled, monotonous in “beat”), but I’ll leave that aside for now.
Describing an enthusiastic fuck as “animalistic” begins to lead the conversation about sex back toward hardcore porn — removing the humanity from sex and encouraging the monotonous mechanics of impersonal fucking — which is not something I subscribe to and is NOT the purpose of my forum or anything related to ArousedWoman(TM). Sex should be about connection — even casual fucking should have a dose of humanity and connectedness to it.
We all know sex can get really heated and… exuberant… that doesn’t mean the intent is “animalistic,” necessarily. This sort of description is exactly the terminology the church used to shame sex — that it was “base” and only for “lower” animals. Deep, fast, thrusting sex can be thrilling for sure, but that doesn’t mean it is “animalistic.” Sex can also be incredibly tender and beautiful. Sex should be a raising of energy between partners, not just a means of tension relief from erratic muscular contractions. In fact, from a Tantric perspective, the best orgasms happen from “slow sex.” (Yes, I said slow sex — as in, the man enters the vagina, and nobody moves for an hour… Yes, I said an hour.)
For myself, I make it clear to a partner that hair pulling is absolutely NOT OKAY. It’s not only a sign of aggravated assault (to me), but yanking a woman’s head back via hair pulling is dangerous to the cervical spine and the larynx (the tube for breathing and speech).
Men may have a fantasy about hair pulling because of what they’ve seen in “hardcore porn,” but only because they’ve never been on the receiving end of having their head yanked back by their long hair or ponytail. No, it is not the same feeling as when a woman curls her fingers in a man’s short hair (on his head) and pulls his head back (that is bad enough), but to have someone grab hold of your long hair, use it like a handle to jerk your head back is horribly painful — and again, dangerous to the neck and larynx.
Yes, I know, some readers will complain (again) that I’m being all “puritanical” and I’m “not at peace” with myself for expressing my opinion (and I’m not even on my period and all hormonal), but I don’t exist to perpetuate the stereotypes of women or sex. So suck it.
ArousedWoman(TM) is about awakening from the “dirty,” impersonal, shame-filled KoolAid of sexuality as demonized by religion and kinkified by a society still trying to find balance in sexual practices and “roles.” As I say on Twitter: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.” Nothing about ArousedWoman(TM) is about hardcore porn, so find another site if that’s all you care about — there are plenty of porn & sex sites that perpetuate the pro-church, misogynistic attitudes toward sexuality. ArousedWoman(TM) is NOT one of those.
One last word on monotonous dance music… If a man can only move his hips in one rhythm, he’s a dud in bed. Give me a man who can fuck the 1812 Overture, and we’ll talk.
Copyright 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
Back on my own during the days, I have taken to using my glass toy (which I have not yet named :-) ), along with trying a slightly different position for my legs, and getting some great results — probably helped with my breast massage regimen and breath+sound work I’ve borrowed from Tantra and Kundalini practices.
For my orgasm sessions, I begin with just laying back and relaxing, breathing normally, letting my mind let go of the thoughts that are still buzzing across my conscious self. After 10 or 15 minutes — I don’t time it, I move on when I feel ready and mind-full (of nothing!). I start the relaxation breaths, adding in the occasional “Aum.” This lasts for maybe 15 minutes.
I add in sensual massage. Usually, I’m careful not to touch my nipples or I’ll start having energy orgasms immediately. I’ve found that if I start the massage on my clit, it lessens the sensitivity on my nipples (slightly, and only temporarily), but gentle, barely-there caresses of my clit and labia are simply luscious.
I may move to my nipples (more often than not, yes, I do) for some amazing stealth orgasms, or I’ll lightly brush my fingertips across my left hip which triggers jolts of energy up my leg to my left nipple, hardening her immediately. My right hip is not as quick to react and the energy is more subtle, but my right nipple still hardens into a pucker, reaching up to a point.
Many times recently, I have stayed there — just doing the lightest touch of my skin, my nipples, clit, and the inner and outer labia. Barely brushing my fingers over my clit shaft starts full-body orgasms that have my legs coming up, my back arched, and my head back facing the pillows, and I’m left breathless. I can keep these going for a while. These kinds of orgasms are different than “traditional” or manual orgasms in that these don’t take ANY work :-), and they’re like riding clouds of energy, with energy waves hitting my body like water crashing onto the seashore. I’m energized by the orgasms rather than being worn out after my usual blended orgasms (which rock my world but are exhausting).
Pressing my fingertips into my outer labia, I can feel the thick, corded bands of the PC muscles. Barely grazing my outer labia, they feel like velvet, warm and throbbing. My fingertips barely whisper across my inner labia which are still reaching outward at this point — they will lie open soon. This touch can start labia-gasms, and I can feel the texture of the inside of the inner labia change as the bloodflow to the tissue increases.
I’m still new to the direct, purposeful stimulation of my U-spot, the erectile tissue around the urethral opening. This area is usually stimulated without intention during blended/penetrative orgasms, but I am now focusing on the U-spot to help encourage my journey into female ejaculation.
Bringing my knees up to my torso definitely shortens the vagina, and it makes using the glass dildo easier on my wrist due to its curve. This makes for a wonderful stimulation of my prostate. Since the glass toy is narrower and shorter than my purple silicone friend Sparkles, it also feels more like a directional finger than a “toy” or penis substitute. I can definitely feel the tip and side as it rubs across certain spots (yes, the female prostate has more “spots” than just the G-spot/She Spot). Moving the glass toy back and forth, curving up at the side ensures the side of the prostate are stimulated as well — and this feels delicious.
Stimulation of the prostate, and most areas inside the vagina, are not as “pin-point” as stimulating the clit, but the vagus nerve and auxiliary nerves definitely make up for it by creating a feeling of a bubbling, churning cauldron of arousal energy that is ever-building, ever-growing, expanding outward through me and upward into the torso and heart chakra.
I consciously push out when stimulating the prostate directly — contrary to what “popular” opinion says to do with the stupid Kegel exercises (which actually inhibit vaginal orgasm). I LOVE the feelings that overtake me — like I suddenly have to go to the bathroom, like my insides are about to fall out — because I know my prostate is about to hit her stride and bubble over into full-body orgasms. I push out and remind myself to breathe — sometimes I catch myself and realize I’m holding my breath. There is a fetish of choking for some few-second orgasm that is ridiculous and dangerous. Oxygen FEEDS orgasms — breathe, breathe deeply, breathe fully, taking the breath into my belly and down into my pelvis… Breathing is essential to life and to orgasms… though saying “life” followed by “orgasms” seems redundant….
The double layers of muscles that line the vagina begin to rock and roll, and I manipulate them to keep them strong — so I don’t lose my skill of giving “vaginal blowjobs” (moving the vaginal walls in such a way as to give the penis the feeling of being sucked very powerfully).
Read * Part 2 * here.
The past month has been an interesting series of experiences in my personal orgasm journey, but with the holidays, I didn’t bother writing anything down in a blog post. The orgasms have been beautiful and wondrous, even though most of the time, I was only having my “stealth O’s” via the barest touch of nipple stim and some light clit stim. With the holidays, I’ve been going to bed around 2 or 3 or 4 a.m., waking up around 9 or 10 a.m., and staying in bed having orgasms till 3 in the afternoon.
I haven’t used my purple silicone friend Sparkles in a while, so I’m craving some penetration, but the orgasms that result from the stealth touch and the every-other-day blended O’s are definitely satisfying me until I’m home alone again. In fact, since being on the “stealth O” path of Tantric and Kundalini awakening (yes, both), the penetrative orgasms are so intense, I can only handle a few, then I’m too far gone for my hands to work — my arms fly up over my head, and I spend an hour in after-O’s.
I’m not firmly on my Tantric or Kundalini path, however — still on the outskirts — on purpose. Embarking on these paths is intense and requires commitment and concentration. I am still waiting for time alone and some stress to ease before approaching a more fully active pursuit of these yogic paths.
Basically, I’m in a good place. Though it seems at times like I’m not progressing, I remember that I’m not on a schedule or deadline — there are no goals for me to accomplish… except pleasure.
Aroused and groovin’ along,
I came across a great site about yoni and all things Tantric for women and emotionally secure men. The blog is by a Tantrika/Dakini who is the “real deal,” not one of the so-called “urban tantra” bullshit artists. However, the following comment one man left on her blog shows just how little is still known about women’s anatomy and sexuality in popular culture thanks to women’s sexuality being vilified by misogynist religion and ignored in Western medicine and academia, while superstitions and myths are still rampant.
(Note: Misspellings are left in.)
i am just curious about one thing if stimulation is done aftifically with fingers on G spot its surely making pleasure for woman but does it keep woman healthy enough to be fertile and gave birth to kids after such an act. my question is can woman still conceive or become pregnant if she is ejaculating with fingers on G spot or it odes affect its reproductive system?
I just posted this response, and so far it hasn’t been approved — fingers crossed, it will be. :-)
You seem to be more concerned with your masculinity and virility than the woman’s pleasure. Your patriarchal, misogynist ego will be pleased to know that the female prostate’s ability to induce full-body/wave orgasms and secrete prostatic fluid has nothing to do with the viability of the woman’s eggs. If you’re concerned about being able to conceive, go get your sperm count checked before assuming any conception problem’s are the woman’s fault.
Seriously. A woman ejaculating isn’t birth control… If it were, almost every woman between the ages of 15 and 50 would be drenching the sheets — every day, twice a day! (But please don’t let the GOP Republicans think it’s birth control ’cause they’d just criminalize that, too.)
Guys… female ejaculation is a beautiful thing. The biggest concern you should have with helping a woman ejaculate is can you drink it all up so her love nectar isn’t wasted.
I’ve covered this all before, but let’s go over the basics of female ejaculation:
- All women should be capable of ejaculating. Fear of urinating is what usually stops a woman from ejaculating even if the stimulation techniques are correct. (Other issues that can contribute to a woman not ejaculating include being dehydrated or the emotional/psychological issues from past sexual trauma.)
- Female ejaculate is NOT urine. It is prostatic fluid and mostly glucose, hence its sweet flavor and labeling by the ancients as the “nectar of the gods.”
- The amount of fluid released will vary from woman to woman — from a couple tablespoons to a couple cups of fluid, and can vary from release to release, even within the same sexual session.
- If a woman feels pressured by her partner to ejaculate in the first place — much less burst forth a specific amount, this can activate stress hormones and prevent her from getting wet at all — even though vaginal fluid is a different cocktail than prostate fluid.
Are we clear on this? Women experiencing mind-boggling pleasure is actually healthy for the woman physically, emotionally, psychologically, as well as sexually. Loving the vulva and vagina via yoni massage is one of the most beautiful ways you can show a woman respect sexually. And, at the risk of making men paranoid in the other direction, being able to help a woman ejaculate is super manly!
If your woman already ejaculates on her own, ask her to show you how she does it so you can see what she does and how she does it. Don’t help!!! (Unless she asks you to.) Just be there to lap up the delicious juices.
For some reason the topic of “talking dirty” has come up several times recently. Apparently, men are under the assumption that women want to talk dirty, that we like to talk dirty, that we live for talking dirty in bed.
What the hell?!
Actually, most women do NOT like the “talk dirty” part of sex that men addicted to porn seem to like, or men who still view women under the Maiden/Whore dichotomy — “bad” girls do what “good” girls won’t stereotype.
“Oooo, baby, yeah, fuck me. Fuck my pussy with your big fat cock, ram it in me hard…”
What does “talking dirty” do for the man? What purpose is it supposed to serve?
I, personally, would NEVER “talk dirty.” “Talking dirty” is a dumbing-down affectation of porn and perpetuates the compartmentalizing of a woman into labels and categories, separating her into disparate personalities — i.e., the good-hearted, nurturing woman who is a mother couldn’t possibly be associated with the multi-orgasmic cougar in bed. What better way to segregate the various aspects of woman than to ask her to say or do something so contrary from her everyday personality or communicative style?
Besides that, “talking dirty” is an insult to my intelligence and my extensive vocabulary as a professional writer and performer of language.
Yes, I call a penis a penis or lingam, and my vulva is my vulva or yoni. I may call a penis a dick, but that is rare; and I say testicles and balls interchangeably. Other than that, my vagina is my vagina, and my clit is my clit. The anus, ass, and perineum are synonymous for both sexes. And my breasts are breasts — NOT ANY OTHER HORRIBLE, DEGRADING TERM that MEN (and implant Barbies) USE FOR BREASTS. BREASTS!!! That’s what they’re called, and that’s what I call them. Calling various parts of my anatomy by other names — particularly “dirty” slang terms — disassociates me from my body, or places my body into parts ( J. Alfred Prufrock style) as mere “things” for someone else’s use and enjoyment, not mine.
On a side note, I will call ejaculate “cum” but having an orgasm is not “cumming” — since ejaculating and having (lots of) orgasms are two completely different functions. And yes, my vaginal fluids ARE the “nectar of the gods,” thank you very much!
As I wrote in my article “Me, My Breasts, and I,” I hated my breasts most of my life because of how men treated them and treated me because of them. My body image was molded through the perspective of others who did not value me as a person or my body as the physical extension of my self. It took a Tantric breast meditation to integrate my breasts to my body and my sense of self, to love my body. But now, to be considered “hot,” I have to “talk dirty”? Fuck that!
Why would I talk “dirty” when there’s nothing dirty about sex or being sexual? As I say on Twitter ALL THE TIME: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.”
I’m beginning to think that the concept of “talking dirty” is for the sole purpose of distancing the partners from an emotional connection — to keep the sex as just physical as opposed to an opportunity to experience beautiful, mind-blowing orgasms. Even fuck-buddies can have a great connection beyond the physical orgasm — without the “complications” of the dreaded “relationship.” Even Tantra partners who are not “in love” would never “talk dirty” — that would be so disrespectful, particularly to the woman. The man is beautiful. The woman is beautiful. The experience is beautiful. No ramming or dirty talk required.
If you’re a woman and you actually like to talk dirty, I would love to hear from you — to hear why you like to talk dirty — and don’t say because your male partner likes it — ’cause then you’re doing it for him, not because the want and desire to “talk dirty” emanates naturally from within you.
I can’t “talk dirty” about the body or being sexual because I find them both to be wonderfully beautiful. And I felt that way long before I began studying Tantra.
So bite me.
The male prostate is a gland about the size of a walnut located in the male anus.
The prostate creates prostatic fluid that mixes with sperm from the testicles to form ejaculate. Once aroused, the male prostate has a texture like that of a walnut, similar to how the female prostate takes on a ridged feeling when aroused. Moving your finger back and forth (i.e., wagging your finger, or like a windshield wiper), you should feel the two lobes of the prostate — the gland is bisected by the urethra running through the middle of the prostate, just as the urethra runs through the middle of the prostate in women.
The prostate can be accessed indirectly, from the outside at the “sweet spot” on the perineum, or directly, inside by using a finger or sex toy in the anus. Experimenting with your prostate does not make a man gay. In fact, anal play, prostate massage, and prostate milking can be a very delicious part of a heterosexual couple’s lovemaking, especially in the form of slow sex and sacred sex.
Also in Tantra, the male prostate is considered to be the emotional center for a man in regard to his genitals. More than a few men, who have allowed a partner to do prostate milking on them, claim the prostate orgasm is the strongest, most intense, most emotionally moving orgasm they have ever experienced.
Many men who do prostate massage on a regular basis cannot fathom going back to their old orgasms. Common testimonials for these men also include the prostate orgasm is a “soulgasm,” and opens their hearts to their partners in ways they could never imagine before.
As with any anal play, safety precautions should always be followed to prevent the transference of fecal bacteria from the anal area to other body areas.
Condoms should be used on any sex toy that is inserted, and fitted latex gloves or finger cots can be used on the fingers to avoid having to wash your hands before fingering yourself elsewhere or fingering/touching your partner, as well as to avoid getting bacteria in a cut on the fingers.
Use lots of lubricant and massage the external anal sphincter completely to warm up and stretch the skin before trying to enter the anus. Silicone lube seems to work best and last the longest, but it is notoriously difficult to clean up afterward. Also, silicone lube will degrade the latex of condoms, so use only water-based lubricant or natural, unscented massage oil if using latex condoms.
The prostate can be a delicate gland. Direct stimulation should be slow and gentle at first to see what kind of pressure you like. If there is any pain, STOP. If there is any blood in your ejaculate or urine, see your healthcare professional.
PLEASE LEAVE A REPLY with your questions or detailing YOUR experiences (men and women).
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Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20′s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years. In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis. I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times. I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this. I attached a picture just as a reference point. Thanks!
N., in Ohio
Thank you for such a great question! Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn. The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.
The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men! However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.
Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman. The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions. Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.
Girth is an entirely different issue. For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time. And your woman will have homework as well.
Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up. If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.
The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva. The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth. I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.
The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen. These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin. The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube. Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.
A great reason to switch to watching erotica is to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.” Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West. The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.
Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman. Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration. In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening. (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)
Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own. Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts. Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax. If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight. For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort. For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.
This is where lube plays an important role in sex. Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway. Friction sex hurts at the best of times. When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver. Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.
- Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
- Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina. If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed. If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
- Use lots of lube. Lots!
- Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
- Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
- Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
- Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
- Look at the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.
The woman’s homework:
- Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
- Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
- Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
- Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
- Push out on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
- Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
- Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.
So what if you do all this and sex still hurts? If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain. This can be helped with lots of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together. It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.
You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner. So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run. Also, I’ve just updated the Store page on the AW site, so look through the books and DVD’s to further your technique quest.
The important thing is that you do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner. Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with. With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.
I hope this has helped. Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!
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Released on Kindle a few months ago, Chapter 6 of Confessions of an Aroused Woman is now available as a .PDF for only $3.00. Based on personal experiences, Confessions of an Aroused Woman is a fictionalized series of erotica vignettes that is women-positive, sex-positive, and all-around fun to read.
Reviews on Amazon.com:
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Trish Causey’s writing is as informative and exciting as her website. It is fascinating to read her first-person accounts of what an aroused woman feels and does. The scene in which she is showing her man her masturbation, describing in exquisite detail her actions and sensations and thoughts, while he honors her arousal and gradually contributes to it, is intense! The chapter is so descriptive, hot, and wet, that it’s almost an erotic case study, and men-loving women would do well to take notes, with a towel nearby.
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One of my Twitter followers wrote on 09-03-12:
Purchase Chapter 6 for only $3.00… to tide you over until the entire book is ready for publication! Be sure to type in your email address, so I can email the .PDF to you.
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When you click through to the PayPal side, be sure to type in your email address in the comment area, so I can email you the .PDF. You will receive it within 12 hours of PayPal notifying me of your purchase.
Thank you! And I really hope you enjoy it. MUAH!! xoxo