Arts, Activism, Awakening in Mind, Body, & Spirit

training

NEWS: Register for Tantra-based Orgasm Awakening Online Workshop


tantra_sexI am now offering group and private Tantra-based training via Skype in 6 two-hour classes.  Finally!

This training focuses on awakening sensual response, increasing sexual pleasure, reclaiming your body as yours, honoring the sacred nature of the body as a means of enlightenment, and connecting to universal consciousness.

The 6 group classes will be held on Thursday nights at 9 p.m. ET (8 p.m. CT/ 6 p.m. PT) beginning July 24, 2014.  If taking the group course by yourself, the cost is $99, and it’s only $149 for couples.

Private classes can be arranged at the convenience of the participant(s).  Six sessions for a Single is $589.00, and Couples will be $879.00.

This workshop will incorporate the philosophy of Tantra along with anatomy and biology, the science of orgasm, exercises, journaling, homework in between classes, with plenty of time for Q&A during the classes.

This training is holistic in nature and covers other aspects of your well-being, such as emotional happiness, fitness, nutrition, physical health, and relationships.  This workshop is part of a larger project that I am developing but can’t mention to the public at this time.  But SOON!

More classes will be provided in the near future, but this introductory class is required for the intermediate and advanced levels.  Sexual orientation does not matter.  But you MUST BE 18 to participate.

You may sign up for the Group or Private classes either as a Single or as a Couple on the ArousedWoman website.

ALL SALES ARE FINAL.  Any questions should be directed to me PRIOR to purchasing any option.  Use the form below.

I look forward to helping you on your journey!

trish

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Review: “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” – A How-To Video for Women to Enjoy Giving Head


Oral Sex for Her Video Training FellatioI recently saw the initial release of a new how-to video series, “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”.  I would have assumed that such a women-centric company like OneTaste would have created a cunnilingus how-to, but they have done the unexpected by creating a video that explains how a woman can receive pleasure from giving a man fellatio.  I can heartily recommend this video to any man or woman who wants to learn a little more about how women can truly enjoy giving oral sex.

Now, this is certainly not news to me — I orgasm just thinking about giving a man head.  Spontaneous orgasms just hit.  I love the feel of my mouth being full with a man’s penis.  The taste, the smell, the texture.  I absolutely love it.  And the truth is, when a woman gives great head, she owns the man.  Seriously.

Whenever I give a man oral sex, I always tell him emphatically, “Lay back.  This is for me.  If you enjoy it, that’s a side benefit.”  I have always loved giving fellatio, or as I call it lingam puja (penis worship).  Even in the midst of a miserable marriage, I still loved giving oral sex.  I figured out that giving him a blow job once per week meant he didn’t complain about bills.  And while I loathe the term “blow job”, that time of my life is the only time oral sex felt like a job — a chore, and yet I still loved the act of fellatio itself, even though I detested the man attached to the penis.

The concept behind the “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure” video and corresponding training materials hinges on the fact that women can indeed enjoy giving men oral sex.  If she doesn’t want to do oral sex or has a negative perspective due to bad experiences, then she might want to see how much pleasure she can have from it.  The first step in a woman receiving pleasure while giving head is realizing that the woman has to want to give head.

Now, before you cry, “That’s male bullshit!”, I understand if you haven’t always (or ever) enjoyed oral sex.  Cultural and religious demonization of sexuality, women, women’s bodies, and women’s sexual pleasure have brainwashed society for over 1,700 years, since the rise of imperial patriarchal religion crushed the remaining woman-centic goddess cultures.  Women have absorbed this anti-sex and anti-pleasure propaganda, compounded by bullying about how women smell “down there”, and the ludicrous farce of how women are portrayed in most porn.  Erotica is woman-centric and respectful of women.  And we are a new generation of women who love ourselves and love sexuality without shame or apology!

Some things you will LOVE about this how-to video:

  • It’s only $8.
  • The woman is not a size 2.
  • Her breasts are real.
  • The man is UNcircumcised!!!  Yes, a real, natural, intact penis!!!  Woo-hoo!!!

In fact, she almost apologizes that, at the beginning, his penis is soft.  So allow me to say for once and for-fucking-all — the SOFT penis is a marvelous thing!  In Tantra, we have several nifty positions and activities for the soft penis, including soft entry penetration (yes, the man enters the vagina with a soft penis) and lingam massage, which is best done with a soft penis to help direct energy flow up into the torso, arms, and legs, rather than out the tip of the penis (helps with ejac control, too).  So starting an oral session with a soft penis is fantastic because you get to experience how his body feels as the penis changes in size and hardness.  (You control him.)

Back to the video….  She talks about her experience in learning to love oral sex.  She also tells the good, bad, and ugly of what intense oral sex does for the woman, including the “furrowed brow” which is a tale-tell sign a woman is in orgasm, the deep-throating technique, as well as the steady stream of “snot” from her nose and the “spot” in the woman’s mouth that triggers orgasms throughout her body.  Yes, you will absolutely see the “snot” running out of her nose.  Yes, you see her crying several times from the intensity of the orgasms.  I’ve written plenty of times here about how the more gut-wrenching my crying is directly equates to the intensity of my orgasm(s).  Crying is an integral part of my orgasmic experience, so it’s great to hear other women talking about this topic as well.

As for the “snot”, I would like to clarify that she is not referring to the thick, gross “snot” of a sinus infection, but rather the normal sinus muscosa you have draining down the back of your throat 24/7.  This mucosa is a necessary moisturizing lubricant for the back of the pharynx (very back of the mouth, top of the throat).  In fact, when you don’t have this normal nasal drip, you may experience a dry cough or have clogged sinuses.  So this mucosa is what she has dripping from her nose — but that’s okay!  Vaginal fluids are also a type of mucosa (derived from the plasma from the blood in the vaginal walls’ muscular tissue), and men LOVE lapping it up!  So let the snot run!  After all, when your mouth is full of penis, the only way the snot can go is out your nose (or your ear, but that would take a miracle of physics).

Another thing you’re likely to notice in her technique is that she is actually quite still — remember me talking about slow sex?  In Tantra, there is a technique of motionless sex — yes, motionless!  The oral technique as shown in the video will help any woman out there who’s gotten whiplash bobbing her head up and down while giving a blow job.  (Again, most porn is ridiculous).  If you want to learn some groovy info and techniques, watch this how-to.

I can definitely recommend this affordable $8 video that can introduce you to the amazing world of women’s pleasure as instructed in “Oral Sex for Her Pleasure”.  I give my full approval of the information in this video and all the products they have.  THEY LOVE WOMEN!  And when you’ve seen it, come back here, and leave a comment telling me what YOU think of the video!

trish


DailyOJ 06-30-13, Part 1: An Irish Rant, My Orgasm Training, & Tantra Practice


Shri Yantra Tantra MeditationForgive me, readers, it’s been almost 4 months since my last confession…. Yes… it has been almost 4 months since my last DailyOJ post, in which I expounded upon an incredible revelation with the newest member of Trishtopia’s TeamPenis.

I held off on writing up these experiences, not because I wasn’t having any experiences (I was!), but I found out that my then-husband had discovered this blog, and since the divorce was heating up, I decided to lay low for a bit.  But I AM NOW DEEEEEEEE-VORCED, y’all!  WOO-HOO!!!!!!  I’m FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I was also in the planning of my radio show, ArousedWoman Radio, that started as The Trish Causey Show, but I changed it to AW — and my show has taken off like crazy!  I’m so happy!!  Be sure to listen to the replays on the AW website and tune in to the LIVE shows on AW’s radio page. (<== shameless plug)

And honestly, I was also pretty darn pissed off that my last DailyOJ post had been rated by 5 voters at an average of 3.5 stars (out of 5 stars)…. <insert Irish rant> …. Ya know…. I started doing the rating system so people could rate my NEWS articles and possibly my OpEd pieces.  But frankly, I really don’t need anyone’s judgment on MY personal sexual and sensual experiences OR on how I relay MY PERSONAL orgasmic awakening HERE on MY FUCKING BLOG.  SO if you don’t like that my journey is EMOTIONAL or INNER-expansive or ESOTERIC or just not what you were expecting this blog to be because you’re fucking deluded by the KoolAid of porn and skin mags, then DON’T JUDGE ME or my experiences or HOW I CHOOSE TO EXPRESS THEM!!!!!!!!!!  Go jerk off elsewhere.  Seriously.

Now…. where was I… Oh, yes….

For those of you who have followed my DailyOJ, you’ll know that I have done a mix of techniques to achieve my awakening.  Some worked.  Some didn’t.  So I purposely did not do any techniques in the past 4 months to see how my body maintains my awakening, i.e., will I lose my various orgasmic experiences by NOT practicing.  The past 5 weeks in particular, my daughter has been out of school, so I no longer have a way to do my practice as I need to — with NO ONE else here (‘cuz I’m loud :-) ).

So, did I lose my awakenings?  Not exactly, but I have noticed a difference.  However, with the stress of my divorce, closing out the AW Forum, starting the AW Radio show, no privacy, and just life in general, all of this probably has impacted my subtle body more than not “practicing” has.  (Side note:  I also tried very diligently at being vegetarian for several weeks… that didn’t work out.  Sorry, my Hare Krishna friends!!)

I have also been working on designing my online orgasm training video classes that I will probably have up by September.  I hope to film the video modules in August (when a specific Aussie microphone is finally available here in the U.S.).  I’ve already made a meditation track to go with it, and I need to record the vocals for it.  But just in the couple times I’ve done the specific meditation as I outline it in my training, the results have been very good! :-D

Note:  Stay tuned here on the blog, or sign up for my newsletter to get more info on the O training.

In the midst of all of this, I began a training practice in Tantra in February with a teacher in Miami.  I’ve studied Tantra for a while, but didn’t like the cheezy neo-Tantra workshops or online classes I’ve seen, so I never bothered with those.  I wanted to expand my knowledge on real Tantra and have a personal teacher I could ask questions and get legit Tantra information.  The truth is that I made the mistake of starting this Tantra training during this crazy, stressful time, and never actually did any of the practices.  Being certified in yoga and having studied Tantra and Kundalini, I already knew a good bit of the info and the concepts — which was affirming that I was in the right place! — and I learned stuff I didn’t know, which was great.

I also didn’t do the physical practices of the Tantra training for the same reason I didn’t do the practice I had been doing that had led to my amazing orgasmic awakenings, in the first place.  So then, I felt like a bad student.  I felt guilty — if a voice student had not done his physical homework and then attended a voice lesson with me, I’d be pissed.  It’s a lack of respect.  AND he’s not getting out of it what he could.  The physical practice is required for the true transformation to happen.  Awakening isn’t just mind candy.  You can’t attain true enlightenment by philosophizing your way through other people’s concepts.  You have to get the movements into your muscle memory, get the energy of change into every cell in your body as you awaken to the changes you feel in your subtle body.  This doesn’t automagically happen just because you sat your ass on a mountaintop.  You gotta do the work! :-)  And I knew that… and I purposely laid off the physical work… so I was just a bad student….

Thankfully, my teacher is a balanced, Tantric-Zen type of dude and much more understanding than I am. :-)  He knows that life is chaotic for many people.

I’m also in what I call a chrysallis stage — that phase when the being is in a cocoon, morphing into a different existence.  Last year, I embarked on a decidedly holistic path, and it’s led me here.  Having this blog, relating my experiences, doing my radio show that features so many of the topics that interest me — from sex to Astral Travel, from politics to arts and culture, and so many other esoteric concepts — I really do feel whole.  And this is what I wish for others.  To feel that same sense of whole-ism, not feeling scattered amidst the chaos of their home life, work, raising kids, going to school, putting up a front for society’s approval.  Be whole.  Be you.  You’ll be much happier.

And then…. just as I was rounding out this month…. my radio show is getting thousands of listeners…. my divorce finally signaled I am a FREE WOMAN!…. working on my orgasm training…. I spent the last couple of days re-doing some of my Tantra training… and then POOF!  I felt my prostate come alive the way she has 2 or 3 times now, just before an incredible new level of awakening happens…. and so I’m sitting back and enjoying what I’m experiencing…. when I can sit…. sometimes, she’s so powerful, I have to dance….

More on that in Part 2!

Aroused and morphing,

trish


Take #ArousedWoman’s Orgasm Questionnaire!


Chakra-aura-orgasm-energy-systemHey, everybody!

As I look ahead to my online orgasm training workshop, I am conducting an Orgasm Questionnaire and would love to have as many readers participate as possible!

This questionnaire should take about 30 minutes to fill out, and there are no wrong answers. It’s also pretty nosy, so brace yourself!

Filling out this questionnaire in NO WAY obligates you to participate in the workshop. But the questions are geared to those who would be interested in taking my online orgasm workshop this summer.

No part of the questionnaire will be published without your express permission. However, some of the responses may be used ANONYMOUSLY in a post here on ArousedWomanBlog.com, based on the statistical information that may be of use to my readers.

NOTE: Some of these responses are required, so look carefully at each question. (I hope you’ll answer each one!)

I appreciate you taking this Orgasm Questionnaire so I can better understand my readers’ sex lives and orgasm habits.

Thanks!

trish

ArousedWoman’s Orgasm Questionnaire:
© 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.

ANSWER EVERY QUESTION EVEN IF IT ISN’T FOR YOUR GENDER, or if it DOESN’T APPLY just put N/A. The form will NOT submit if a question is not answered (blame WordPress).





























































Mind, Body, Spirit: Breathing ~ the Importance of Being Inspired Repeatedly


phoenix-gold-fire-blaze1I can think of no better place to begin discussing Mind, Body, and Spirit topics than with breathing.  Considering that the act of breathing is something most of us take for granted, the role of breathwork and mindful breathing can be truly transformative to your mind, your body, and your spirit.

The process of breathing is a complex coordinated effort that involves the whole torso, not just the lungs.  If you follow a yogic or body awareness path, then breathing can be a full-body sport.  As a voice teacher, I start all my students on ujjayi breathing, the belly breathing technique from yoga, before we sing any scales or attempt any songs.  The student must begin to incorporate ujjayi breathing into their everyday life and subsequently into their singing.  Phonation (sound production) is based on airflow.  While vocal science research has shown that the vocal folds are responsible for controlling airflow across the vocal folds when we speak or sing, breathing is a coordinated dance of the abdominal muscles, the thoracic and pelvic diaphragms, as well as the internal and external intercostal muscles of the ribcage (to say nothing of the bronchi and alveoli inside the lungs responsible for the gas exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide).

Deep, calm breathing has many relaxing and healthful benefits mentally and somatically.

Mind:

When we are under stress, nervous, or anxious, the body releases stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol.  An adrenal response evolved from the human body’s early days, adrenaline is great if you’re chasing a mammoth or running from a saber-tooth tiger.  It’s not so great if you’re about to go on stage to recite your lines or enter a restaurant on a first date.  Adrenaline floods the brain, sort of shutting down the frontal lobes, which are responsible for things like language.  (Another reason being nervous before an audition or a date can leave you stumbling for words like a blithering idiot.)  With the frontal cortex on coffee break, the primal brain takes over and straddles the fence in fight-or-flight mode.  Deep, slow breathing can counter all of this, calming the mind and allowing the stress to be manageable so you can deal with it like a rational human and not a caveman.  Breathwork allows you to focus on the task at hand or ease your pesky thoughts away if you’re trying to meditate.

Try sitting alone, with all noisy electronic devices turned OFF, and just breath deeply for 10 or 15 minutes.

Body:

Breathing is the action by which we replenish that chemical that is pertinent to our existence:  oxygen.  Breathing high in the chest — upper chest breathing — is a style of breathing in early English and French singing, but it is not recommended for any singing, speaking, or breathwork, in my opinion, because upper chest breathing also triggers the release of adrenaline.  Breathe low in the belly, breathing down into the pelvic diaphragm.  In voice, this style of breathing is called appoggio, but it is basically ujjayi breathing.  I’ve been known to have students lie on the floor or sit against the wall in chair pose to feel the expansion of the back while breathing and singing.  While on the floor, I have them place their binder or sheet music on their stomach so they can see when the book rises and falls and learn to associate that feeling with proper, deep abdominal expansion and contraction.  A mirror is crucial to see the ribs moving outward away from the torso.

When we focus on breathing, we tend to focus on our body and our alignment, taking an inventory of how we’re doing physically.  Tantra and Kundalini paths use different breathing exercises like kapala bhati and bhastrika that really, really work the body — these are powerful breath practices that require guidance from a teacher, especially if you’re engaging the body by applying “locks” at certain chakras.  And in case you’re wondering, oxygen feeds orgasms!

A basic Sun Salutation is a great way to combine deep breath and body work to get the blood and oxygen flowing.

Spirit:

The word spirit comes from the Latin spiritus meaning “soul, vigor, breath,” derived from the word spirare which means “to breathe,” the root of both of these being spir.  When we are born, the first thing we do once the umbilical cord is cut is breathe — we take in breath, we are in-spir-ed, or inspired.  The last thing we do before we shake off this mortal coil is to exhale our last breath — ex-spire, or expire.  In between that first inspiration and our final expiration, we take in and release breath repeatedly, or as we call it re-spir-ation, the act of respiration.

It is no coincidence to me that the lungs are located right there at the heart chakra.  Whenever we are touched emotionally — in a good way or unpleasant way, we tend to either gasp, inhale quickly, or exhale in sadness or disbelief.  I feel our emotions and breath are connected.  Mindful breathing helps us stay rooted, grounded to the earth, when circumstances leave our mind — or our heart — reeling.  Deep breathing can also lower blood pressure and slow a racing pulse.

Breathwork is absolutely fundamental to being healthy.  The art of being inspired repeatedly throughout our life is as simple as breathing.  When we’re overwhelmed, overly excited, can’t focus, or can’t think, deep breathing can help keep us centered and better prepared to relax into our task at hand or meditation session.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

trish

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Tantra: Out With the Old, In With the Older


Copyright 2013 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.

Shri_Yantra_Tantra_MeditationThose of you who have followed my orgasm journal have read about my path to becoming a multi-orgasmic and spontaneously orgasmic woman.  I’ve experienced all sorts of -gasms from multiple orgasms, heart-gasms, leg-gasms, nipple-gasms, urination-gasms, labia-gasms — you name it, my body has -gasmed there.

I embarked on this journey as a means of healing from sexual abuse as a child, rape as an adult, and a miserable marriage.  I just wanted to be able to feel sensation in my clit again after doing damage from vibrators — and to be able to orgasm during sex, a seemingly impossible feat I never accomplished with a partner.  Since starting this path via research, trial and error, and a few different “methods,” I have experienced orgasms, emotions, and awakenings physically and emotionally that I never dreamed were possible.  Along the way, I’ve made mistakes and had revelations, and it has all been one big learning experience.

I had begun a practice about a year ago that is essentially breathing, sound, and touch — supposedly, a protocol “discovered” by accident.  I now feel that this is inaccurate, since combining breathing, sound, and touch is an ancient practice to awaken the subtle body, to trigger the energy fields of the meridians, and to rewire the parasympathetic nervous system.

After all, orgasm is both a physical event and an energy event.  Different systems are activated to bring about each kind of orgasm.

In documenting my journey, I was able to go back and see what I did, when, the circumstances of my emotions at the time, any physical factors, as well as my experiences with the protocol itself, and how it affected me.  (THIS is why journaling is so important — not necessarily at the time of the experience, but it can be very important later.)  Looking back, I noticed that I did everything exactly opposite of what was given in the “protocol,” and when I tried to do it correctly, I hurt my voice or didn’t experience as much as when I did it “wrong.”  Mostly, though, when doing it “wrong,” I experienced huge leaps forward in my orgasmic journey, and I knew that I was doing a practice that was centuries old, a Tantric type of breathing meditation with sound that awakens the body, the mind, and even the spirit/consciousness self.

Incorporating sensual massage and my solo version of the OM clit technique took my orgasmic experiences to a new level.  Learning to love my breasts and starting to accept my body as she is has been healing in many ways, not the least of which has been the change in how I make love to myself.

Over the past year, as I began to sink a little too deep into Yin energy personally while expending inordinate amounts of Yang energy during the push to the 2012 POTUS election (combating GOP repressive crap), I experienced the sexual downward cycles that follow every sexual upsurge high.  I no longer craved manually stimulated orgasms or solo sex sessions.  I could do barely-there nipple stim or gentle clit and labia stim and have those orgasms and be perfectly happy.  I began to fear I was losing my sex drive.  Now, as I am again experiencing changes in my orgasms (that I will write up soon), I have left that other protocol behind and have begun firmly on a Tantric path.

I have started working with a Tantric teacher in Miami, and I am so very happy to be on this path.  The program takes a minimum of six years to complete, so it is definitely a commitment.  At this time, it feels right, and I hope to be able to complete it.  I can’t wait to see what I experience in six months, a year, five years from now by working with a real Tantric.  I know that sounds like forever to some of you, but in the past couple of years I’ve learned that it takes time to process and integrate the new awakenings of the subtle body with the physical body and the emotional and psychological aspects of our selves.

Tantra is a beautiful journey of awareness, transformation, and expansiveness, not the sex orgy touted by “gurus” and media for tabloid fodder… though sex is certainly improved by Tantra consciousness being present.

As Georg Feuerstein says in Tantra, The Path of Ecstasy:

“It is no accident that true Tantric practitioners are called “heroes” (vira), because they must navigate in treacherous waters that demand constant vigilance and great inner strength…. There are no shortcuts, and the quest for quick fixes and weekend enlightement is merely one of the symptoms of the kali-yuga, governed by delusion and greed.”

I think I will be blogging my experiences here, so stay tuned.

trish

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Sample Consult: Man Has Trouble Keeping Erection and Can’t Climax During Sex


male-nude-standing-behindEver wondered what a consult with me sounds like?  Is it formal… or scary?  (I don’t think so!)

Here’s a consult I did tonight over Twitter — yes, Twitter.  See!  Consults are conveniently arranged via phone, Skype, or even Twitter.  Sure, you can ask me a question for an AskTrish post, but it can take a while (read: months) to get an answer posted due to the number of questions I receive.  To schedule a consult — especially if your question is time-sensitive, just contact me via the Consult page on my website.

NOTE:  I know this client, so some info on his background, health, etc., were not covered in this Consult.  In this Transcript, Twitter typos have been fixed. Permission to use was granted by the client, who is represented by Q (Querier).

Q:  I have had sex with 2 women in the past 3 months. I have had problems before but moved past it.  The first few times I sleep with a woman, I can’t climax, and I have a hard time staying erect.  I can’t focus, and all I think about is if she is enjoying it and I just totally suck.  LOL

T:  You’re putting too much pressure on yourself!

Q:  It has been that way since I first had sex.

T:  There are tell-tale signs a woman is enjoying sex that you can look for.  Read my post on “The Face of Orgasm.”

Q:  I feel that way and think about her because I have a hard time staying hard.  It just stays semi and like floppy, it’s bigger so it’s harder to control when not hard.

T:  You need to read my blog more often.  Seriously.  Orgasm is NOT the same as ejaculation.  You can orgasm for hours and never even get an erection.  Read my rant on “Have Multiple Orgasms Already!”

A “floppy” penis is actually normal for a larger penis.  Even getting hard, a larger penis may not stand at full attention and has nothing to do with your arousal level.  If you’re getting anxious, that triggers adrenaline, which affects the brain, breathing, and triggers the fight-or-flight reflex, as well as releases stress hormones like cortisol.

Q:  Yeah, that’s how I feel, I’m nervous the first few times.  I don’t enjoy sex and can’t come close to climax.  After the first 3 or 4 times, I’m good.

T:  What changes by the 3rd or 4th time that you can actually enjoy sex?

Q:  I think I finally get comfortable, get used to her feel, her movements, I guess.

T:  How does she react those first few times?  Does she say or do something that makes you feel less “manly” or just inadequate?  Or does she go out of her way (or maybe overboard) to boost your ego?

Q:  I have never asked.  Some women don’t come back.  Those that stick around like it.  I just feel embarrassed, and it gets worse each time.

T:  Are you drinking alcohol?  On any meds, legal or otherwise?

Q:  There have been times when this has happened that I had been drinking and it happened.  Most times, sober.

T:  Alcohol is a social norm, but terrible for sexual response!  But even sober, you’ve had enough bad experience with this that you’re talking yourself into being anxious even if you’re not realizing it.  Sex with a person the first time is always a little nerve-wracking.  And if a woman doesn’t understand that, she’s not for you anyway.

Have you told the women up front that you’re nervous?  That you focus on the woman so much you sometimes don’t climax, and that’s okay with you?  As in, you are focused on HER, and not yourself.  That you just want to be with her?

Q:  I never have said anything.

T:  Ah… Communication is paramount.  This is why one-night stands and at-the-bar hook-ups can be difficult for some people.  They don’t feel comfortable talking about such things.  You have to talk to the woman.

I also think you should begin some yoga or meditation exercise that helps you with stress and anxiety.  You don’t need alcohol or meds to help with this, IMHO.  Learn to control your breathing, which actually affects your brain, hormone response, and nervousness.

Q:  How do I go about starting the anxiety control?

T:  Contact a yoga or meditation teacher in your area.  You want to find someone who is experienced in yoga (hatha, ashtanga, tantra, kundalini) — some tradition that is REAL yoga, not New Age… especially if you seek a Tantra teacher — you need a REAL Tantra teacher, not a New Age one.  The purpose of the breathing meditations is so you get into your body to control the reactions you’re having to stress…

Q:  I see, I never thought of that.  I will do that!  So how do I go about being intimate the first time?

T:  Dude, you’re jumping ahead here!  You’re not ready to have sex yet.

Q:  LOL  I see that!

T:  Of course, I teach this as well. :-) But you need a teacher that you can learn from w/o having sexual attraction to — like a man… (Not that you’re attracted to me, that’s not what I’m saying! Just that a male teacher might be better for you.)

Q:  Like shadow a man you mean?

T:  Learning from a male teacher will have a different energy than if you’re studying with a female (since you’re straight, the opposite would be true if you were a gay man).  Since you’re doing this with the idea of great sex being the benefit, learning from a woman might trigger some of that stress.

Q:  So what would I learn from him?

T:  For starters, a man who’s mastered breathing and stress control would be better able to teach you how to control a penis, from the man’s perspective.

Q:  Wouldn’t triggering the stress help me learn to deal with it?

T:  No.

Q:  Well, can you help me.  Even from a distance, I imagine you can.

T:  If you want the male teacher, I can recommend one.  And you could tell him about the sexual side of things, whereas you might feel weird talking about this with the average yoga teacher you don’t know, or talking about this with a man you’re afraid will mock you.  Finding a teacher you feel completely safe with is crucial.

Q:  There is a reason I came to you with this problem!!  Okay, you are the master.  Thank you.

T:  You’re welcome. :-)

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trish

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DailyOJ 01-26-13, Part 2: The Fear of Intimacy


Lovers Tango - Aroused-Woman* Read Part 1 *

Today was a great day. So I was a bit surprised by the slight emotional breakdown I just experienced.

It wasn’t caused by my intactivism on Twitter (explaining the horrors of both male circumcision and female genital cutting), or the raucous festivities happening just outside my apartment from the day parade of the local Mardi Gras krewes. I spent some time earlier researching vitamins for healthy skin since I’ve now lost 82 pounds, but my skin is not shrinking as fast as I’d like — apparently, it can take 2 years or more for skin to retract, assuming a woman has good genes, doesn’t have any more children, and bathes in the blood of virgins… (just kidding… not sure about that last part).

I digress…

I think the breakdown may have been triggered by an impromptu conversation in the chat room of the AW Forum on the subject of emotion and sex.

Taking a break from the Twitterverse and looking for something to watch online, I remembered the amazing feelings from this morning, and the generally great feelings I’d had all day. I got a flash — a vision — in my mind’s eye about being with a partner, my Dream Man, as I call him. Not having sex, our clothes were on, in fact. I was just kissing his collarbone. And I suddenly burst into tears.

I had trouble breathing. I could feel the rush of adrenaline’s “fight or flight” rash-choice-conundrum rushing to the fore. Not prone to panic attacks, I was most concerned with why I was having this freak-out moment. Then I remembered a revelation I’d had when writing my breasts article about having never really known tenderness during sex. During the Twitter intactivism tonight, I had had to explain how friction sex can be painful — how my ex used to complain I got too wet during sex, he couldn’t get friction, so he’d pull out and use the sheet to dry me and him off and come back in to jackhammer away till he ejaculated…. The feelings that were now shaking my entire body as I cried and tried to breathe were the realization that I have no idea how to be intimate with a man.

I know about sex, sex spots, erogenous zones, positions, pressure points, hormones, and nerves. I know all about the physical connections, but I have never really made an emotional physical connection to a partner. The fact that emotion scares the hell out of most men doesn’t help the situation.

This past year I’ve been in Yin, and it’s really kicked me in my ass. I made so many realizations about myself last year that I thought (or hoped) I was done. Apparently, the Universe was saving this big whopper for right when I was least prepared to deal with yet another part of me that needs to be worked on.

Sex has never been about me, in my sexual experience. I never understood why people can just spend time kissing (isn’t that boring?) or holding hands (don’t you want me to hold something else?)… I never felt comfortable with just being with a partner. Once the sex got going, then I knew what my role was. Usually, I was the initiator, the aggressor, the one in charge. Men made it clear they were with me because they wanted to know if busty redheads were really as good in bed as they’d heard or seen in porn. They approached me with a certain expectation of what sex with me would be like, and I made sure I exceeded their expectations.

Sex in my marriage was never orgasmic for me, but then I didn’t think my pleasure was important. As a stay-at-home mother, I felt part of my duties was keeping him happy and earning my keep — sex did that while a blow job once a week prevented arguments about the bills. As I grew to detest him and the whole situation, I gained weight on purpose so he wouldn’t want me…. Just my luck — he liked fat chicks.

Now free, in control of my own life, and repairing my health and my body, I’m left with the remnants of what I’ve put myself through the past 15+ years. I look in the mirror as my body gets smaller, but so many imperfections remain. And so many imperfections dwell inside as well.

With intimacy, there isn’t exactly a projected outcome as there is with sex. The agenda of sex is lots of orgasms that lead to the climactic grande finale orgasm. Intimacy is a goal-less phenomenon, I guess, in which neither partner is in charge or at least, no one’s keeping tally on the orgasm scoreboard. Intimacy is being open emotionally to just being with a person, soft and tender… vulnerable. Without the sex techniques to keep a man enthralled, I really don’t know why a man would want to be with me… or what I have to offer…

This emotional breakdown was another wall coming down, and yet it is another bit of knowledge I will hold myself to when time for entering a relationship and finally — finally! — being able to love a man. I simply cannot allow myself to go backwards. Being in charge in the sex department is too easy. I need to allow myself to be open and vulnerable… more… yin… and that freaks me out….

Aroused and breaking through,

trish

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Anatomy: Female Ejaculation and Woman’s Ability to Conceive


Female Ejaculation - Prostate Orgasm Up CloseI came across a great site about yoni and all things Tantric for women and emotionally secure men.  The blog is by a Tantrika/Dakini who is the “real deal,” not one of the so-called “urban tantra” bullshit artists.  However, the following comment one man left on her blog shows just how little is still known about women’s anatomy and sexuality in popular culture thanks to women’s sexuality being vilified by misogynist religion and ignored in Western medicine and academia, while superstitions and myths are still rampant.

(Note:  Misspellings are left in.)

i am just curious about one thing if stimulation is done aftifically with fingers on G spot its surely making pleasure for woman but does it keep woman healthy enough to be fertile and gave birth to kids after such an act. my question is can woman still conceive or become pregnant if she is ejaculating with fingers on G spot or it odes affect its reproductive system?

(XXXXXX)

I just posted this response, and so far it hasn’t been approved — fingers crossed, it will be. :-)

Dear (XXXXXX),

You seem to be more concerned with your masculinity and virility than the woman’s pleasure. Your patriarchal, misogynist ego will be pleased to know that the female prostate’s ability to induce full-body/wave orgasms and secrete prostatic fluid has nothing to do with the viability of the woman’s eggs. If you’re concerned about being able to conceive, go get your sperm count checked before assuming any conception problem’s are the woman’s fault.

trish

Seriously.  A woman ejaculating isn’t birth control… If it were, almost every woman between the ages of 15 and 50 would be drenching the sheets — every day, twice a day!  (But please don’t let the GOP Republicans think it’s birth control ’cause they’d just criminalize that, too.)

Guys… female ejaculation is a beautiful thing.  The biggest concern you should have with helping a woman ejaculate is can you drink it all up so her love nectar isn’t wasted.

I’ve covered this all before, but let’s go over the basics of female ejaculation:

  • All women should be capable of ejaculating.  Fear of urinating is what usually stops a woman from ejaculating even if the stimulation techniques are correct.  (Other  issues that can contribute to a woman not ejaculating include being dehydrated or the emotional/psychological issues from past sexual trauma.)
  • Female ejaculate is NOT urine.  It is prostatic fluid and mostly glucose, hence its sweet flavor and labeling by the ancients as the “nectar of the gods.”
  • The amount of fluid released will vary from woman to woman — from a couple tablespoons to a couple cups of fluid, and can vary from release to release, even within the same sexual session.
  • If a woman feels pressured by her partner to ejaculate in the first place — much less burst forth a specific amount, this can activate stress hormones and prevent her from getting wet at all — even though vaginal fluid is a different cocktail than prostate fluid.

Are we clear on this?  Women experiencing mind-boggling pleasure is actually healthy  for the woman physically, emotionally, psychologically, as well as sexually.  Loving the vulva and vagina via yoni massage is one of the most beautiful  ways you can show a woman respect sexually.  And, at the risk of making men paranoid in the other direction, being able to help a woman ejaculate is super  manly!

If your woman already ejaculates on her own, ask her to show you how she does it so you can see what  she does and how  she does it.  Don’t help!!!  (Unless she asks you to.)  Just be there to lap up the delicious juices.

trish

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Anatomy: Male Prostate ~ the Male G-Spot


Male Prostate ~ from Wikipedia commons

Male Prostate ~ from Wikipedia commons

The male prostate is a gland about the size of a walnut located in the male anus.

The prostate creates prostatic fluid that mixes with sperm from the testicles to form ejaculate.  Once aroused, the male prostate has a texture like that of a walnut, similar to how the female prostate takes on a ridged feeling when aroused.  Moving your finger back and forth (i.e., wagging your finger, or like a windshield wiper), you should feel the two lobes of the prostate — the gland is bisected by the urethra running through the middle of the prostate, just as the urethra runs through the middle of the prostate in women.

The prostate can be accessed indirectly, from the outside at the “sweet spot” on the perineum, or directly, inside by using a finger or sex toy in the anus.  Experimenting with your prostate does not make a man gay.  In fact, anal play, prostate massage, and prostate milking can be a very delicious part of a heterosexual couple’s lovemaking, especially in the form of slow sex and sacred sex.

In Tantra, the male prostate is considered the male “Sacred Spot,” just as the “G-spot,” aka the Goddess Spot or Sacred Spot in women is located in the female prostate in the vagina.

Also in Tantra, the male prostate is considered to be the emotional center for a man in regard to his genitals.  More than a few men, who have allowed a partner to do prostate milking on them, claim the prostate orgasm is the strongest, most intense, most emotionally moving orgasm they have ever experienced.

Many men who do prostate massage on a regular basis cannot fathom going back to their old orgasms.  Common testimonials for these men also include the prostate orgasm is a “soulgasm,” and opens their hearts to their partners in ways they could never imagine before.

As with any anal play, safety precautions should always be followed to prevent the transference of fecal bacteria from the anal area to other body areas.

Condoms should be used on any sex toy that is inserted, and fitted latex gloves or finger cots can be used on the fingers to avoid having to wash your hands before fingering yourself elsewhere or fingering/touching your partner, as well as to avoid getting bacteria in a cut on the fingers.

Use lots of lubricant and massage the external anal sphincter completely to warm up and stretch the skin before trying to enter the anus.  Silicone lube seems to work best and last the longest, but it is notoriously difficult to clean up afterward.  Also, silicone lube will degrade the latex of condoms, so use only water-based lubricant or natural, unscented massage oil if using latex condoms.

The prostate can be a delicate gland.  Direct stimulation should be slow and gentle at first to see what kind of pressure you like.  If there is any pain, STOP.  If there is any blood in your ejaculate or urine, see your healthcare professional.

PLEASE LEAVE A REPLY with your questions or detailing YOUR experiences (men and women).

trish

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AskTrish: Stop Ejaculating and Have Multiple Orgasms Already


Chakra-aura-orgasm-energy-systemA little something different from the usual AskTrish post

While posting pics on my ArousedWoman Tumblr page, I came across a post on another Tumblr page in which a querent (I’m assuming male) asked:  “when i masturbate and i hit orgasm once i cant have another one why not ? am i doing something wrong ?”  The moderator responded: “no, not everyone is capable of multiple orgasms, that’s just the way it is…”

That is absolutely NOT TRUE — not even for men!

Ejaculating is a reflex, but it is a controllable reflex of the sympathetic nervous system.  Semen is ejected due to contractions by the bulbospongiosus muscle.  On a subtle body/spirit level, ejaculate is comprised of life force energy, and it takes an inordinate about of physical energy to produce and expel ejaculate from the body — hence the reason a guy is usually exhausted and needs a nap afterward.  Ejac expends energy, causing fatigue for the man.

In women, stimulating the clit, which is synonymous to the penis, gives a localized burst of tension release at the clitoris, but any kind of vaginal orgasm (prostate/She Spot, cervical/uterine, AFE, PFE, even perineal sponge) creates full-body waves of bliss that flow and flow and flow, like waves that repeatedly crash against a shore.  The clitoris is wired to the spinal cord via the pudendal nerve, but the vagina’s main nerve is the vagus nerve which bypasses the spinal cord and plugs directly into the brain.

Knowing how the body works physiologically helps in integrating the subtle energy body with the physical body, which leads to orgasms that literally blow your mind and everything you thought you knew about your body or orgasm.  Conjuring orgasm via an energy-based practice with the help of a little anatomy know-how creates orgasm experiences that feel like Big Bang explosions in your core and your head — not localized to just the genitals.

Orgasm is a response of the parasympathetic  nervous system.  Orgasm increases energy.  Many people use climaxing for muscle tension release before bed so they can get sleepy.  However, orgasm in an energy practice gives and expands energy.  From the Greek word, orgasmos, orgasm literally means “to swell.”  Orgasm is NOT the end of a sexual experience but one amazing part of the journey.  The end isn’t even “climax” but bliss, altered states of consciousness (no drugs needed!), awareness, and connection to self, your partner (if applicable), and the Universe.

ALL woman AND men are capable of multiple orgasms — FOR HOURS, days, weeks!  Live your whole life in an orgasmic state of energy bliss… Why not?!

People need to STOP the myths and lies about what is possible in orgasm.  ‘Cause I guaran-damn-tee MOST people have never experienced even an inkling of what orgasm can be.  They grew up jerking off to skin mags and probably learned most of what they know about sex from watching the fakery of porn and memorizing the stupidity of magazine sex quizzes while standing in line at the store.

They should stop giving advice and read my fucking blog already!

trish

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DailyOJ 11-17-12: Mind Noise & Saturday Morning Blended Orgasms


I went to bed late last night — actually, early this morning.  It was after 2:30 a.m. that I finally stopped replying to tweets, took my shower, and got in bed (and replied to some more tweets).  I allowed myself the late night because this morning would be Saturday, and Saturday mornings are my SASO’s and blended O’s time.

This was the experience the other day, but today I encountered mind noise… and yet another reason to not be attached to the outcome… goal-less.

I was doing my hands-on blended O stimulation, and everything felt wonderful.  I didn’t try thinking about Mr. Dream Man, I just focused on my body — the amazing sensations of the arousal, the shaking of my legs, the zinging energy, the heat raising up, my whole body really coming alive after a full night of rest and a long time of spontaneous O’s, nipple-gasms, and gentle clit-gasms just moments before.  Truly wonderful.

Then I reached a certain point of arousal where I seemed to have slipped into neutral.  I wasn’t progressing toward climax, nor was I regressing to less arousal.  I was… stuck…  in neutral gear…

I had marked the time when I started since I’d noticed hands-on blended O’s had started taking a while to experience, sometimes 30 minutes or longer.  Now being stuck in neutral, trying to avoid conscientious time-noting, ego-driven minutes-counting, I was growing frustrated.  The mind noise began.  Should I just stop?  (Too horrible to contemplate.)  Should I try some fantasy?  (Tried.  Failed.)  How long before I’m just totally ego-driving this process?  (I really want to experience the yummy blended orgasms.)  Does that guy outside really have to use a leaf blower in the middle of the day?  Can’t he just use a push-broom or a rake on those leaves?  Jeez….

Being “stuck” in neutral gave me a unique vantage point to observe my body — the changes through the arousal process, the jolts of energy still zinging up my legs, my glutes clenching, my hips rhythmically raising and lowering on the bed.  And perhaps best of all, I was incredibly wet!  My previous fears that my body was experiencing hormonal changes that were affecting my vaginal fluid production were allayed, thanks in no small part to my resumed regimen of chia seeds, fish oil, dark chocolate, and lots of water.  I was ecstatically happy about the incredible amount of juices covering my vulva and upper thighs.

I must have been stuck in neutral for 10 minutes or longer.  My attention kept being drawn to my left hand, the one working my prostate, feeling my hand sliding around on the vaginal and prostate fluids.  My wonder at the physical process occurring sparked a thought… This extended, consistent stimulation of my clit and prostate is one of the hallmarks of arousal that brings about female ejaculation.  I thought on that another few seconds.  If I kept doing exactly this — this left-hand pressure and thrusting on my prostate, this right hand stim of my clit, my wetness, my clenching — I was bound to finally achieve true female ejaculation!  How awesome would that be?!

The moment I had that thought, I could feel my inner clit squeezing like a vice-grip as its blood-filled erectile tissue expanded inward against my vaginal walls.  I knew that feeling was the first cue of impending multiple orgasms.  Except now, I wasn’t ready to orgasm!  I wanted to feel this ejaculation cruise control!  But I didn’t have any towels, and with the colder weather, I had my duvet on me and didn’t want to soak it.  So I resolved myself to probably not ejaculating in one gush at that time — I was satisfied with the rhythmic release of fluid throughout the session.

When the orgasms began, I was mystified by their intensity and power.  That “neutral” gear had served a purpose!  It did something to my body — whether it was solely physical or a mind-body combo — that laid a foundation for the orgasms that literally rocked my world in that moment… for many moments… My whole body was involved in this process — I crunched forward repeatedly, my knees were up, my hips were rocking up toward my hands.  I kept rolling over to my left side, my legs started kicking.  I was making all sorts of weird moans — some lower pitched, some higher, all wild woman.

After I couldn’t use my hands anymore — my arms flew up over my head — my hips and legs were still going.  Without the need for keeping my hands where they were, I rolled back and forth, my back arched, my nipples brushed back and forth against the sheet spurring the nipple-gasms and more back-arching.  I felt the insane throbbing in my labia, my vagina, perineum, anus, energy zaps up and down my legs, all of it signaling an array of delicious orgasms, both body-centric and energy-induced.

As I lay in bed, still somewhat panting from the orgasms, I noticed a strange sensation in my left hand.  Energy was zinging up my fingers, up my hand, and into my arm.  Usually energy comes up my legs or out my left foot (at the ball of my foot).  This was different.  It felt as if my fingers were plugged into an electrical outlet and electrical energy was shooting up my fingers and up my arm to my neck, scalp, and face.  Then I noticed I felt a similar electricity/energy up my right hand and arm.

All in all, this session from start to the end of the orgasms (that I was able to hand stimulate) was 21 minutes.  Absolutely 21 minutes of incredible bliss — and so worth that neutral gear interlude in the middle.  Like a symphony, the “lull” in the middle just laid the groundwork for the crescendo of the last movement, building up to the fireworks at the end.

I laid there, stunned by the awesome power of the experience.  I can only hope that if I again experience that “lull” of neutral gear, I’ll remember this experience and know even that down-swing of the cycle has a purpose.  I’m not broken, my practice is going fine.  And I’m grateful for this experience to amaze in wonder at my body, the rising levels of orgasms possible, and the necessary ebb and flow of the arousal process.

Aroused and cruisin’,

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s DailyOJ.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


DailyOJ 11-13-12: Reality vs. Fantasy


The past few weeks, I have had issues with blended O’s — the few times I’ve done them (right hand on my clit, left hand stimulating my prostate), it’s either taken a long time — 30 minutes, or I’ve given up and gone for my purple silicone buddy, Sparkles.

Mainly, I’ve noticed that I’ve become ambivalent about using Sparkles when my spontaneous orgasms keep me happy all day and my stealth nipplegasms, subtle (one-finger barely moving) clitgasms — even labia-gasms! — are so fulfilling orgasmically that I don’t feel the need for penetration (at the time)… (It’s the rest of my waking hours that I’m horny as all get-out and want something that’s wide and hard inside me!)

I have also noticed that when I go for a length of time without doing the blended orgasms (both hands stimulating), it takes longer to bring myself to orgasm when I get back in to it.  It’s as if I have to stay in practice with it the way a pianist has to stay in practice with the piano to keep up his technique, or the training starts to drain out of the muscle memory.  For these body-centric orgasms, it’s not just my fingers and wrists that have to stay limber to bring about orgasm — my entire body has to “train” for orgasms since they are full-body experiences, especially in the abdominal area, my legs, and glutes.

I’ve been adjusting to the integration of the non-explosion clitoral part of my blended orgasm.  It’s just weird to not feel it.  But these new orgasms are amazing.  Instead of feeling that hot explosion at one very centralized point (the head of the clit), the orgasms feel like a huge, powerful wave crashing against the coastline of my genitals, and I am thunderstruck by their intensity.  With Sparkles, the blended O is very similar, yet even more powerful because of the added sensation of being penetrated and having it stimulate my A-Spot and cervix as well.

During the hands-on stim, I love feeling the changes to my prostate.  She is just awesome!  I’ve even discovered a few new  spots within my prostate!  I’m learning their signals, what it means orgasmically when I start to feel them emerging from the rougher texture of my aroused prostate.  One of these spots is toward the left, the other two are toward the sides of the prostate (which is very important to stimulate as well!), along with my already discovered She Spot.

What’s been interesting to me has been my legs.  A few minutes in to each hands-on session, my legs start shaking wildly, uncontrollably.  I feel my glutes clenching and unclenching.  My hips are rocking, reaching up repeatedly in their own rhythm. And here is where the problem begins…

Since I’ve got the physical part of the stimulation down, I’ve been trying to enjoy some fantasy time in my mind during arousal.  Usually, I try to picture my Dream Man being the one to do all this stimulation (which would be much easier on my wrists if he were!).  But I’m so in awe of the changes in, on, through my body that my mind doesn’t want to leave all this awareness of my body’s process to climax.  As soon as I try picturing Mr. Dream Man, I lose some of the arousal (slightly).  For some reason, I’m not interested in thinking of women… so that’s another issue to deal with another day…

I don’t do “fantasy” — as in made-up time, place, setting.  And I know instinctively that it would not work for me, so no, I won’t try.

Between the extended time to orgasm via hands-on stim, not craving penetrative Sparkles sex, and loving my body’s changes more than I lust after my Dream Man, I know I’m at a crossroads.  Don’t know what’s around the corner, but I’m taking a peek and will meet it head-on… and hands on. :-)

Aroused and feeling,

trish

For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s DailyOJ.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman


AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex


Trish – I would like to ask a question in relation to the gentlemen who asked about small penises. I’m a man in my late 20’s and have been sexually active for roughly 10 years.  In those ten years, I have grown to know that I have a rather large penis.  I have lost girlfriends due to the sheer girth and length (8+ inches) as most women find it hard to accommodate me during intercourse. My present girlfriend is smaller in stature and has had a child but we have intercourse roughly once or twice a week due to her not enjoying it most times.  I have tried different positions and a lot of other things and I am just curious as to how you would coach someone to help with this.  I attached a picture just as a reference point.  Thanks!

Sincerely,

N., in Ohio

Dear N.,

Thank you for such a great question!  Whether talking about breasts or penises, our culture is yet again let down by the “bigger is better” brainwashing and phallic fallacies of porn.  The stereotyped preference for a huge penis not only does a disservice to more modest members, but it does not realistically show the physical burden on the woman or the emotional and psychological impact on the man.

The great points I see in your post are 1) you care for your partner beyond just your physical gratification, 2) you seem willing to want to learn some new techniques, and 3) with having sex a couple times per week, you’re doing better than most men!  However, pain during sex can strain the relationship, and while there are techniques you can learn, sometimes a woman feeling pain during sex has nothing to do with you.

Certain positions are better for long penises, while others automatically hurt the woman.  The better positions for a long penis will be missionary, rear entry, and side-behind positions.  Positions that can hurt the woman physically include woman-on-top and even legs-over-the-shoulders, depending on the length of the man.

Girth is an entirely different issue.  For you, N., you better love the vagina because the only way you will be able to have sex that doesn’t hurt your woman is to resolve yourself to LOTS of pre-penetration attention on your woman’s body EVERY time.  And your woman will have homework as well.

Most women want fullness during penetrative sex, but in order to accommodate any penis at all, the vagina must be properly warmed up.  If the vagina and labia are not warmed up, swollen thick with arousal, wet from vaginal fluid or lube, AND the vaginal entrance wide open, then the vagina is not truly ready for sex.

The pre-penetration ritual should ideally begin with her mind, then perhaps evolve to kissing (her mouth), moving southward to copious amounts of breast worship, eventually leading to your fingers stimulating her vulva.  The vagina is comprised of muscles whose job is to stretch for penetration as well as for childbirth.  I’m thinking your issue may not be the inner vagina but the opening and first inch or so.

The opening to the vagina is encircled by the labia as well as the remnants of the hymen.  These hymenal remnants can be like any scar tissue that is less pliable than the rest of the skin.  The hymen also does not have its own source of lubrication so it must be lubricated with vaginal fluid or purchased lube.  Warming up the labia — the lips — outside the vaginal opening is just as important because this skin is attached to the muscles that will need to stretch to accommodate your penis.

Take time to learn techniques that warm up the vulva, or as she’s called in Tantra: “yoni.”  Yoni massage is a time-proven technique in Eastern sexual philosophy but is not as widely known in the West.  The vaginal opening can be warmed up with your mouth, tongue, or fingers in a yoni massage.

Not just oral sex, yoni massage is a hands-on Tantric practice of showing respect and devotion to the entire vulva — the labia, the vagina, the mons pubis — respect to the whole woman.  Using lube or massage oil with your warm hands, slowly massaging your woman’s vulva for half an hour will stretch the skin, the opening, and the inner muscles required for comfortable penetration.  In fact, midwives/doulas will have a woman’s partner do yoni massage on her during labor to prevent a tearing of the vaginal opening.  (*Side note: Oil and condoms don’t mix.*)

Just inside the vaginal opening, the clitoris takes on a life of its own.  Not just the little nub visible from the outside, the clit can be up to 6 inches long inside her body, several inches wide, and has 18 distinct parts.  Forming a horseshoe over and around the vaginal opening, the clitoral bulbs are erectile tissue that swell with blood during arousal and grip whatever is inside the vagina as the woman nears climax.  If the vagina was snug before, at this point, the vagina may be uncomfortably tight.  For the woman, she may resist getting fully aroused or getting near climax to avoid discomfort.  For the man, the squeezing of the penis may be so great he might start to lose his erection.

This is where lube plays an important role in sex.  Even if your woman is young, healthy, active, and gets “wet,” use lots of lubricant anyway.  Friction sex hurts at the best of times.  When there is a size discrepancy between partners, lube may be your life-(and relationship)-saver.  Here’s a link to the lube I use and absolutely love.

Your homework:

  • Spend at least half an hour on her breasts and vulva — this might actually need to last an hour!
  • Use your fingers, not just your tongue, to gently stretch the vagina.  If you can insert 2 fingers, open them in a “V” and massage the interior, moving your fingers open and closed.  If you can’t get 2 fingers in, she’s nowhere near ready for penetration.
  • Use lots of lube.  Lots!
  • Give her a few orgasms with your mouth and/or hands first to make sure she’s ready for your penis.
  • Do slow, sensuous sex once you’re inside, not  hard, fast, thrusting friction sex.
  • Don’t try positions that keep her legs together, i.e., her legs over your shoulders or rear entry with her knees together.
  • Also, positions that bring her knees up to her torso shorten the vagina, which may not work well with a long penis.
  • Look at  the book Yoni Massage as well as the DVD Guide to Fingering: How to Touch a Woman.

The woman’s homework:

  • Do solo yoni massage every day to encourage the tissues to stretch.
  • Take a hot bath or shower before sex to warm the skin and muscles in the groin.
  • Drink lots of water to encourage your natural vaginal fluids (and lay off the caffeine).
  • Exercise your PC muscles by pushing outward, not just tensing up and inward.
  • Push out  on the vaginal muscles as the man enters you.
  • Use your fingers or toys that stretch and relax the vaginal muscles.
  • Trying relaxation techniques such as mediation and/or deep belly breathing to soothe your nerves and warm the pelvic girdle.

So what if you do all this and sex still hurts?  If the painful sex has been going on a while, the woman may have developed a slight phobia now that she associates sex and pain.  This can be helped with lots  of talking, yoni massage prior to sex, and adopting a non-attachment philosophy during your time together.  It is also possible the woman may have a vaginal, uterine, or pelvic condition that is contributing to the pain, and she should see her OBGYN for an exam.

You’ll be pleased to note that the vagina stretches (or shrinks) to fit a regular partner.  So trying the yoni massage and slow sex techniques frequently may help your situation in the long run.

The important thing is that you  do not develop a negative outlook on your body or your partner.  Your heart can’t help whom it falls in love with.  With patience and some effort, your bodies can become as compatible as your affections.

I hope this has helped.  Feel free to let me know if you have more questions, and I look forward to my readers’ replies!

Take care,

trish

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Comments 08-19-12: “Another Amazing Orgasm” Thanks to ‘ArousedWoman’ Blog


With all the hullabaloo over stupid men being … well… stupid… (*see this post and this post… and well, maybe this post, too*).  I am thankfully reminded that not all penised persons are cads and misogynists.

After a long day battling for vagina rights on the Twitterwebz, an ArousedWoman reader sent me a lovely comment about his own orgasmic awakening thanks to reading some of my posts — my “Allowing and Receiving” post, specifically.

I’m not taking credit for his orgasm success (okay, well, I’d love to!), but really it’s about him shedding some of the patriarchal bullshit and cultural stereotypes of sex and orgasm.  Divesting himself of aiming for a pre-determined goal has opened up his body and his mind to new realizations in arousal and the orgasmic response(s).

Okay, so I’m totally interjecting my perspective on his experience, but here is what he first wrote in about experiencing a soulgasm(!!!), and below is what he said today.

I love ending the night on a good note.

trish


Clit Stimulation: What’s In It for Men?


Since discovering OM (Orgasmic Meditation), one of my biggest questions has been “Why would a man want to do OM?”  If the OM touch is all about the guy stroking my clit for 15 minutes, what does he  get out of it?  Why would he  want to focus is on my clit while his clothes are still on?

The OM team has finally addressed this — seems they  get this question a lot.  A group of men talks about their  experiences as OM-ers — men who actually enjoy  focusing on a woman’s clit for 15 minutes.  They talk on a range of topics from the male perspective of sex, the male ego, overcoming male uncertainty of women’s bodies, and dropping cultural bullshit men adopt just to be perceived as masculine in our society.

They talk about:

  • Dropping the competitive nature of their relationship with a woman.
  • Sex becoming goal-less.
  • Enjoying the moment, not planning the sexual experience — map-less.
  • Getting their pride out of the way.
  • Gaining a better connection to their partner.
  • Being more confident in sex and the relationship.
  • Sex lasting for hours.

Please watch this video, then click the button on the right to check out the OM website.

Happy OM-ing!

trish


DailyOJ 04-25-12 & REVIEW: OM – Getting OneTaste of an Orgasm Meditation


As incredible as it sounds, one slight flex of the index finger can truly change your life.

OM is the clitoris-centric practice brought to the masses by Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm.  In her TEDtalk, “Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman,” Daedone explained how she came to OM-ing and how it changed her.  She says she’s not a New Age “woo-woo” person, but I won’t hold that against her. :)  Daedone is obviously passionate about getting this revolutionary information out to women, and so am I!

Speaking for myself, I find clit-only stimulation and orgasms to be extremely boring — or I did, before OM.  Having discovered my She Spot over a decade ago, I’m rather an aficionado of blended orgasms, stimulating both my She Spot and clit simultaneously to achieve both the full-body waves of the vaginal orgasm and the fireworks’ explosion of heat of the clitoral orgasm.  Since becoming acquainted with my prostate last fall and making peace with my breasts, I have been on a path of rediscovering my body now that I see it as truly mine — not a man’s plaything or a child’s source of nourishment.

I hesitated to even try the OM technique, which only lasts 15 minutes, because it is a couple’s practice, and I’m single.  I tried it the first time and didn’t get much out of it, but that was completely my fault.  After years of blended O’s, stimulating just the clit was weird, made even weirder because the fingering technique is not the hard and fast circles of friggin’ off women are so used to seeing in porn and doing on themselves. The OM touch is a gentle, subtle touch that I didn’t appreciate at first.

Clitoral orgasms are typically localized to the clitoral area, with an explosion that doesn’t leave any lasting orgasmic contractions the way vaginal orgasms do (for me, anyway).  The clitoris is itself much more than just the “rosebud” visible from the outside.  Also, after years of being on the vibration bandwagon thanks to effective marketing that makes women think “assisted” orgasms are better (they’re not), I had absolutely no feeling in my clit at all, unless I used a vibrator.  My clit was dead.  Having thrown my Hitachi Wand in the dumpster a year ago, I had to give my clit time to heal from the nerve damage while I began my new life as a Recovering Vibratoraholic.  It was then I realized that by using a vibrator on my clit and a g-spot vibe inside to orgasm, I hadn’t actually touched my lady’s loins in a damn long time — this was exacerbated by my new life and new stresses as a single mother.  The past year of bodily and orgasmic explorations brought me back in touch with the amazing textures, capabilities, and ever-changing environments of my genitals.  I only WISH I’d known about OM-ing a year ago!

My second go with OM-ing was late at night, when I was in bed and generally feeling very Zen — i.e., lazy but not sleepy.  I was too tired to drag out a toy and expend the energy that would entail, so it seemed to be the perfect time to try OM again.  Thoroughly relaxed — a rarity for me, I allowed myself to have a goalless, non-attachment philosophy toward OM-ing.  OM is simple and unpretentious, similar to how I like my sex.  After all, OM is a technique to make orgasms better, not necessarily to orgasm at that moment — which was good because the thought of a lackluster clitoral orgasm wasn’t appealing. (I was tired, not crazy.)

I set the timer alarm on my phone for the requisite 15 minutes.  As I lay there in the dark, with my nightly meditation CD playing, I began the finger technique on my clit — a very precise technique on an exact part of the clit — and began to have the most amazing sensations.  Heat began to rise up from my clit and circulate like spirals of arousal energy snaking up my body and down my limbs. (You don’t have to subscribe to chakras and chi to get the benefits of this mojo either.)

I could have lived in this energy forever, and knowing I wasn’t trying for an orgasm seemed to take some pressure off, and before I knew it, a huge, full-body orgasm hit.  My back arched, my legs kicked out, and I made my moans that I love so much.  It was incredible.  Actually, it was multiple.  I kept up the precise fingering, and the wave/explosions kept hitting.

It was like having two separate experiences at once: #1: an in-body experience of the orgasms and feelings themselves, and #2: an out-of-body/observer experience that was shocked that I’d just had a full-body O via clit-only stimulation — and not the frantic circle stim either, but the soft, light, unassuming OM flick of the index finger across my long-unappreciated clitoris.

Then the 15-minute alarm sounded.  I have never hated my phone more than at that moment!

The next surprise was the tears.  Since finding my true orgasmic potential, my orgasms are always multiples, and the denouement is always emotional.  The harder the gut-wrenching sobs, the stronger and more numerous the orgasms were.  Crying after a clit-only session was definitely a new one for me!

Since then, my clit has been more responsive to touch and required less stimulation during my other orgasmic pursuits.  I’m still learning about clitoral and vaginal orgasms and how they differ due to the different major nerves that feed feeling to the separate areas.

OM-ing is about discovery, and connection, and awakening.  It is about emotion and relating, and I can only imagine how powerful OM can be with a partner.

The only downside I can see to OM is that men may view it as yet another practice in which they do all the “work” while the woman gets all the “benefits.”  These insecure men probably wouldn’t appreciate the subtle genius of OM anyway.  ***NOTE:  Since the clit and the head of a man’s penis are synonymous, I would theorize that the OM technique could be quite delicious on the man as well, just re-set the 15-minute timer. :) ***

Yes, OM recommends a particular set-up or sacred space called “the nest” to create atmosphere as well as comfort.  It also requires a specific position for both the woman and her partner.  However, I don’t like the idea of the man’s leg laying across the woman’s torso.  For any woman who’s been sexually assaulted, this might bring up previous trauma.

The practice takes 15 minutes.  But once the OM-ing is done, you can both hit the bed (or the diningroom table) and continue with the merry-making.  And for those who are woo-woo-minded, Tantra and other sex practices acknowledge that it takes 15-30 minutes of stimulation to get a women fully aroused and in the multiple orgasm zone.  OM-ing is a great way to spend that 15 minutes.

trish

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Coregasm: Orgasm While Doing Abs/Core Exercises


I despise working my abs, which is why I never do.  I do consciously engage them when I’m doing everyday things, when I lift something, or ride my bike.  And I’ve become more purposely conscious of how my torso moves during sexual arousal and through orgasms (as much as I’m able to think).  Sometimes I focus more on my abs, other times, I’m concentrating on my glutes during sex.  Hey, it’s all exercise, right? :-)

Coregasm is the pleasurable phenomenon of experiencing an orgasm while doing abdominal workouts, particularly exercises that engage the lower abs.  Coregasm has been a hush-hush delight in the “gym rat” world, but word is getting out, and women around the country are now racing each other to get the Roman Chair machine before someone else does.

This ab/orgasm seems to hit after having done a few sets of lower ab work, when you’re near muscle failure.  Some women have full-on orgasms while others experience intense arousal, still others report zaps of excitement.  Even better, men report experiencing this kind of orgasm as well!

The lower abs are the abdominal muscles below the belly button.  They are hard to isolate without falling into the trap of engaging the legs, hip flexors, glutes, or arching the lower back.  However, several exercises that target these orgasmic tummy muscles are easy to do at home.

Some options might be the Reverse Crunch, Bicycle Crunches, V-Lift, Pilates Leg Raises, most of Yoga, Swiss Ball exercises such as the Jack Knife (or Pike), rolling into Child Pose, etc. — almost any abdominal exercise that focuses on the lower abs to do the work while the knees are bent.  Be careful not to extend the legs too much which starts to work the legs and cause the back to arch.  And as with any exercise program, consult your medical professional first.

Aroused and crunching,
trish

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