* Read Part 1 *
Today was a great day. So I was a bit surprised by the slight emotional breakdown I just experienced.
It wasn’t caused by my intactivism on Twitter (explaining the horrors of both male circumcision and female genital cutting), or the raucous festivities happening just outside my apartment from the day parade of the local Mardi Gras krewes. I spent some time earlier researching vitamins for healthy skin since I’ve now lost 82 pounds, but my skin is not shrinking as fast as I’d like — apparently, it can take 2 years or more for skin to retract, assuming a woman has good genes, doesn’t have any more children, and bathes in the blood of virgins… (just kidding… not sure about that last part).
I think the breakdown may have been triggered by an impromptu conversation in the chat room of the AW Forum on the subject of emotion and sex.
Taking a break from the Twitterverse and looking for something to watch online, I remembered the amazing feelings from this morning, and the generally great feelings I’d had all day. I got a flash — a vision — in my mind’s eye about being with a partner, my Dream Man, as I call him. Not having sex, our clothes were on, in fact. I was just kissing his collarbone. And I suddenly burst into tears.
I had trouble breathing. I could feel the rush of adrenaline’s “fight or flight” rash choice conundrum rushing to the fore. Not prone to panic attacks, I was most concerned with why I was having this freak-out moment. Then I remembered a revelation I’d had when writing my breasts article about having never really known tenderness during sex. During the Twitter intactivism tonight, I had had to explain how friction sex can be painful — how my ex used to complain I got too wet during sex, he couldn’t get friction, so he’d pull out and use the sheet to dry me and him off and come back in to jackhammer away till he ejaculated… The feelings that were now shaking my entire body as I cried and tried to breathe were the realization that I have no idea how to be intimate with a man.
I know about sex, sex spots, erogenous zones, positions, pressure points, hormones, and nerves. I know all about the physical connections, but I have never really made an emotional physical connection to a partner. The fact that emotion scares the hell out of most men doesn’t help the situation.
This past year I’ve been in Yin, and it’s really kicked me in my ass. I made so many realizations about myself last year that I thought (or hoped) I was done. Apparently, the Universe was saving this big whopper for right when I was least prepared to deal with yet another part of me that needs to be worked on.
Sex has never been about me, in my sexual experience. I never understood why people can just spend time kissing (isn’t that boring?) or holding hands (don’t you want me to hold something else?)… I never felt comfortable with just being with a partner. Once the sex got going, then I knew what my role was. Usually, I was the initiator, the aggressor, the one in charge. Men made it clear they were with me because they wanted to know if busty redheads were really as good in bed as they’d heard or seen in porn. They approached me with a certain expectation of what sex with me would be like, and I made sure I exceeded their expectations.
Sex in my marriage was never orgasmic for me, but then I didn’t think my pleasure was important. As a stay-at-home mother, I felt part of my duties was keeping him happy and earning my keep — sex did that while a blow job once a week prevented arguments about the bills. As I grew to detest him and the whole situation, I gained weight on purpose so he wouldn’t want me… just my luck — he liked fat chicks.
Now free, in control of my own life, and repairing my health and my body, I’m left with the remnants of what I’ve put myself through the past 15+ years. I look in the mirror as my body gets smaller, but so many imperfections remain. And so many imperfections dwell inside as well.
With intimacy, there isn’t exactly a projected outcome as there is with sex. The agenda of sex is lots of orgasms that lead to the climactic grande finale orgasm. Intimacy is a goal-less phenomenon, I guess, in which neither partner is in charge or at least, no one’s keeping tally on the orgasm scoreboard. Intimacy is being open emotionally to just being with a person, soft and tender… vulnerable. Without the sex techniques to keep a man enthralled, I really don’t know why a man would want to be with me… or what I have to offer…
This emotional breakdown was another wall coming down, and yet it is another bit of knowledge I will hold myself to when time for entering a relationship. I simply cannot allow myself to go backwards. Being in charge in the sex department is too easy. I need to allow myself to be open and vulnerable… more… yin… and that freaks me out…
Aroused and breaking through,
- OpEd: The Face of Orgasm: is Your Woman Faking Orgasms or Not
- DailyOJ 12-14-11: My Journey From Sexual Abuse & Bad Marriage to Vocal Activist & Orgasm Goddess
- OpEd: My Rape, Rape Culture, & Why Women Need to Talk About Rape
- Follow @AnArousedWoman on Twitter | ArousedWoman on Facebook
- ArousedWoman Forum
- Trish’s Daily OJ posts
- ArousedWoman Tumblr
January 26, 2013 | Categories: AW Forum, awakening, bedroom, communication, DailyOJ, emotion, journey, kissing, male perspective, mind noise, orgasm, reclaiming sexuality, relationship, sex positions, sexuality, techniques, training, women's sexuality, yin | 4 Comments »
A little something different from the usual AskTrish post…
While posting pics on my ArousedWoman Tumblr page, I came across a post on another Tumblr page in which a querent (I’m assuming male) asked: “when i masturbate and i hit orgasm once i cant have another one why not ? am i doing something wrong ?” The moderator responded: “no, not everyone is capable of multiple orgasms, that’s just the way it is…”
That is absolutely NOT TRUE — not even for men!
Ejaculating is a reflex, but it is a controllable reflex of the sympathetic nervous system. Semen is ejected due to contractions by the bulbospongiosus muscle. On a subtle body/spirit level, ejaculate is comprised of life force energy, and it takes an inordinate about of physical energy to produce and expel ejaculate from the body — hence the reason a guy is usually exhausted and needs a nap afterward. Ejac expends energy, causing fatigue for the man.
In women, stimulating the clit, which is synonymous to the penis, gives a localized burst of tension release at the clitoris, but any kind of vaginal orgasm (prostate/She Spot, cervical/uterine, AFE, PFE, even perineal sponge) creates full-body waves of bliss that flow and flow and flow, like waves that repeatedly crash against a shore. The clitoris is wired to the spinal cord via the pudendal nerve, but the vagina’s main nerve is the vagus nerve which bypasses the spinal cord and plugs directly into the brain.
Knowing how the body works physiologically helps in integrating the subtle energy body with the physical body, which leads to orgasms that literally blow your mind and everything you thought you knew about your body or orgasm. Conjuring orgasm via an energy-based practice with the help of a little anatomy know-how creates orgasm experiences that feel like Big Bang explosions in your core and your head — not localized to just the genitals.
Orgasm is a response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Orgasm increases energy. Many people use climaxing for muscle tension release before bed so they can get sleepy. However, orgasm in an energy practice gives and expands energy. From the Greek word, orgasmos, orgasm literally means “to swell.” Orgasm is NOT the end of a sexual experience but one amazing part of the journey. The end isn’t even “climax” but bliss, altered states of consciousness (no drugs needed!), awareness, and connection to self, your partner (if applicable), and the Universe.
ALL woman AND men are capable of multiple orgasms — FOR HOURS, days, weeks! Live your whole life in an orgasmic state of energy bliss… Why not?!
People need to STOP the myths and lies about what is possible in orgasm. ‘Cause I guaran-damn-tee MOST people have never experienced even an inkling of what orgasm can be. They grew up jerking off to skin mags and probably learned most of what they know about sex from watching the fakery of porn and memorizing the stupidity of magazine sex quizzes while standing in line at the store.
They should stop giving advice and read my fucking blog already!
* To AskTrish a question, submit your question here. *
* Read more AskTrish posts. *
December 5, 2012 | Categories: anatomy, AskTrish, awakening, blended orgasm, cervical orgasm, chi, clit, clitoral orgasm, coregasm, cosmic orgasm, ejaculation, emotion, energy center, energy field, energy raising, erection, explosion, female orgasm, female prostate, full body waves, genital yoga, hard sex, heartgasm, k-spot, libido, lingam, male orgasm, male perspective, men, multiple orgasms, orgasm, PC muscles, penis, porn, reclaiming sexuality, reiki, sacred sex, SASO's, sex education, sexual health, sexuality, she spot, solo sex, soulgasm, spirit, Tantra, Taoism, techniques, training, uterus, vagina, vulva, waves, women's sexuality, yang, yin, yoga, yoni | 3 Comments »
I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on. And I’m not any closer to understanding what’s happened with my progress, except that what started out as a great upswing in August seems to have already begun the cycle downward.
September was, once again, a month of huge transition for me. On the good side, I gleefully entered Cougar-dom. But personally, I was going through a lot that I can’t write about in a public manner like this (yet). Last September, the end of my Karmic Year, heralded the end of an amazing year professionally, personally, and orgasmically, only to turn my bliss upside down with the death of my theatre mentor, my father had to have multiple operations, and my daughter was ill. I’ve never noticed September to be such a gateway of abrupt change before. Perhaps because change is already in the air each September with the arrival of Autumn, the end of (most) fears of bad hurricanes, my daughter’s new school year beginning, my birthday, and it is the month before Samhain (the Gaelic turn of the year and honoring of ancestors and those who have died).
With all the focus on my theatre writing career, getting ArousedWoman kicked into gear, my daughter starting high school, and other things that ground me in the mundane, I had felt the loss of that higher vibration that I’d been swimming in since September 2010. That September, I had just moved out of my miserable marriage, was starting my new gig writing about theatre for a major online site, and began my journey on energy orgasmic awakening. It was truly wonderful back then. September 2010 to September 2011 was astounding and life-changing in so many ways. September 2011 to September 2012 was wonderful, too, as well as trying and frustrating, but ultimately rewarding.
From an orgasmic point of view, my SASO’s (stealth and spontaneous orgasms) had not been so stealth or spontaneous. The instant nipple-gasms were not so instant. Granted, I no longer needed my O’s to be stealth — I’m home alone during the day again. But the nipple-gasms now took 30 seconds or so of stimulation to start the orgasm ball rolling — same with my not-so-spontaneous OM-clit orgasms. Also, my body did not react the same to these orgasms. My back arched but not as much or as suddenly as when these type of orgasms first began. Nor were these orgasms fractal as they had been during the summer when I could literally have orgasms for hours just by barely touching my nipples or the upper left side of my clit, or even from the brush of air from the ceiling fan! Compounding this, the after-O’s were not as strong nor lasted as long. I was not having deskgasms, leg-gasms, heartgasms, urination-gasms, scalpgasms, or face-gasms.
It’s as if I somehow became unplugged from the multiverse’s orgasm channel. I’d lost my ticket to the cosmic bliss train.
Is it the end of the world? No. Is it the end of my world? Quite possibly. When everything else in my life is crazy and uncertain, having the bliss of my SASO’s was like a calm in the storm.
Now, I know the men reading this just want me to get back to talking about my vagina, or my clit, or anything other than what they probably consider “nagging.” But as a woman, this mind fuzz is a big part of why women aren’t sexually satisfied. We worry. A lot. The worry keeps us in the mundane when orgasms, particularly the energy-based orgasms, require the psyche and spirit to be free to lift up to a higher vibration, and by leaving the mundane physical behind, the body rises up to the higher vibration and, therefore, to true orgasm, rather than the person settling for climaxes that are limited to the manipulated reflexes of the mundane meat-suit.
In truth, I realized sometime during the summer that my over-allowance of Yin was affecting me adversely in my personal and even professional life. I will write more on that at a later date, since I’m still crawling out of that experience. But September 2012 was the lowest of the low points in regard to Yin taking over. Life circumstances presented me with the choice of wallowing in a more self-destructive version of Yin or begin the climb out and start fighting again. At the time, I choose to climb and fight. I lost the mundane battle, as I thought I would, but at least I fought, and that was a huge milestone for me in my journey toward balance.
Don’t get me wrong. I had welcomed Yin — I was too extremely Yang in life, career, and sex. I needed to learn to allow and to receive. I appreciate the lessons learned from Yin. However, somewhere between the allowing of Yin, the rising of sexual Chi through Tantra, the awakening of the Kundalini serpent, and the overall self-discovery of spontaneous cosmic bliss, my awareness pendulum had swung too far into the realm of Yin. I was too much the observer and not the do-er, the receiver not the initiator.
This is crucial to understand because, for me, orgasms are no longer about sex, being sexual, or being physically, sexually satisfied, but rather, orgasm is about plugging into the super-consciousness, living in a higher vibration, and enjoying the lift-off to the Other Side. Riding that wave is like leaving the body behind for a while and swimming in total awareness of the cosmos, surfing above the clouds in an energy that is almost indescribable.
All of these revelations were important to my growth. They signify I have more work to do on my self. This requires patience, acceptance, and time. And that really sucks.
* Read Part 2 here. *
Aroused and climbing,
October 22, 2012 | Categories: anatomy, awakening, chi, clit, connection, cosmic orgasm, DailyOJ, deskgasm, energy raising, full body waves, heartgasm, journey, kundalini, mind noise, nipples, SASO's, sexual energy, spiritual, Tantra, techniques, urination, women's sexuality, yang, yin | 1 Comment »
I had felt a weird buzzy energy all day — all week, actually. The hurricane had not really broken up once it hit land as it was supposed to. Instead, Isaac is heading south, back toward the Gulf. We really don’t need this thing to re-form as a hurricane. But the energy in the air is absolutely electric. And that part, I love. I feed off storm energy — odd since storms are more associated with water, and I am a Fire spirit. But lightning is Nature’s fire, so I am acutely aware of the electricity in the air.
I had just re-started my journey August 8th, gotten some great sessions in, and then Hurricane Isaac forced school closures for a week which tied in with the Labor Day holiday. But, now I’m back to being alone and able to continue this journey… until the next unforeseeable interruption… Grrrr…
With the energy, I truly felt electric. I couldn’t sit still. I just wanted to walk outside, play in the rain, the deluge outside, revel in the energy I had been feeding on for a few weeks. Yet, this constant rain makes me want to sleep. I sleep so amazingly well when it’s raining outside; the steady rhythm calms me regardless of the thunder. This Yin-Yang of energy pulling me toward either extreme at any moment felt like a sexual tension that needed to be rubbed. So I decided to pursue that.
As I began, I had my delicious stealth and spontaneous orgasms (SASO’s). I’ve needed to start with the nipple stim to “tone down” the sensitivity in my breasts, just so I can do some sensual massage with the KSMO and OM touch. I did KSMO for about 4 minutes but my voice started to hurt, so I stopped. I tried some light OM-touch, but that erupted in more SASO’s, so I stopped trying to do anything that was “practice” and just went for some prostate love instead.
My prostate was very receptive to touch, and my vagina was wet from the nipple and OM orgasms. I did some absentminded massage/caresses on my inner thigh and up my torso, wherever my hand wanted to go — I wasn’t really thinking about it. I noted the changes in my prostate as arousal deepened.
I also noticed how much I love the feeling of my breasts. I don’t have anywhere near a “perfect” body, but I honestly love the feel of my body. I especially love the feeling of my breasts, their shape and satiny smooth skin. The underside of the breast has a super concentration of nerve endings, nerves that are connected directly to my clit. The spinning ceiling fan blew drafts of air across my breasts, and the otherwise smooth areolas puckered up like they’d been dipped in ice water as my nipple tips grew dark pink and strained upward. I noticed I didn’t feel a zing of energy to my clit. I figured my prostate was overwhelming the nerve switchboard in my brain, so I just enjoyed the exquisite feel of the sensitive skin of my breasts and my puckered tips.
Feeling all lovey-dovey about my body, I figured I might as well do a hands-on blended set of O’s to get started before moving on to Sparkles for the main attraction. And yet, several minutes in to it, I wasn’t increasing arousal in the clit area. My prostate was getting very aroused and wet, but I felt almost nothing as I did circles with my clit. This went on a few minutes more, and I exclaimed (in my head), “What the hell’s wrong with my clit?!!”
That about put me in an observationist panic. Not only was I not allowing and receiving the arousal process, but for some reason, I had become attached to the outcome. Non-attachment was on coffee-break while the Yang energy was rearing its competitive head. I had worked so hard to become more Yin, to release the go-getter aspect of Yang energy. And I wrote not too long ago that I was worried my sessions were going so swimmingly, they were becoming mechanical. Well, obviously NOT!
I was more frustrated with myself for “blaming” my clit for not doing whatever I preconceived she was supposed to do than I was upset that my prostate was aroused and my clit wasn’t. I let off my clit and moved my right hand to my breast. I was not “going” for a prostate orgasm — those take forever. In the old days, a G-spot/vaginal-only orgasm would take a minimum of an hour and sometimes up to 90 minutes to achieve. Exhausting! I didn’t have that kind of time, and frankly, I wasn’t looking for that much of a cardio endurance workout.
After just a few strokes inside on my prostate and a couple barely-there touches on my nipple tip, I had a SASO/prostate/She Spot orgasm that hit like a Kundalini orgasm with all the full-body waves of a 90 minute prostate pumping marathon. It was shockingly powerful and utterly delicious! My back arched uncontrollably, my legs came up as I would expect with a K-orgasm, but this was deeper and even more full — because of the prostate involvement.
I lay there afterward rather speechless and trying to process all the feelings in my body. It was incredible. I felt the after-O’s, my hips were still moving, my abs still contracting, my breathing took a while to return to normal.
Then I disappointed myself by reaching for Sparkles. The disappointment was that I wasn’t going to use Sparkles in a beautiful moment to see what there was to feel. I knew ahead of time, this was about my clit, and I had to make sure I wasn’t “broken.” I stopped using vibration to induce orgasm almost two years ago due to numbness in my clit — that took over 6 months to begin to feel sensation again. I was terrified something was wrong — that the start, stop, start, stop of my practice was interfering with my progress so dramatically my clit had had enough and wanted no part of it. (NO!!!)
Long story short, Sparkles worked his magick on my prostate while I found a groove with my clit, and the ensuing orgasms were intense and induced the standard emotion. However mechanical my process and the resulting orgasms and emotion had seemed to become, they are gold standards now, and anything other than amazing orgasmic highs now sends me into a panic that something’s wrong with me… clearly, I have cobwebs in my mental attic that need addressing. Could use a can of Mindfuzz-B-Gone… if it existed. No, I’ll have to process this the old-fashioned way. One orgasmic session at a time.
Aroused and regressing (Grrrrrr…),
September 11, 2012 | Categories: awakening, blended orgasm, breasts, clit, DailyOJ, female orgasm, fingering, fire, full body waves, g-spot, journey, kundalini, mind noise, nipples, sexual energy, techniques, vagina, women's sexuality, yang, yin | Leave A Comment »
Copyright 2012 by Trish Causey. All Rights Reserved.
I didn’t feel the need for laying in bed an hour or longer, to relax or process out mind noise. I think I was “lying” broken” for less than half an hour, doing my SASO nipple-gasms and OM clit-gasms, just to tone down the sensitivity in my nipples and clit — otherwise I’d just orgasm through my KSMO session… (apparent fail — I still O’d through my KSMO session). I did about 14 minutes of KSMO, using a mix of nipple stim, sensual massage, and then clit/prostate stim. Following that, I moved on to a solo session.
The trip to full-on, penetrative orgasms didn’t take long, about 8 minutes, and the results were predictably amazing. And yet, the emotion that came with the orgasms was unpredictably extended. Not the hard crying that can happen sometimes, my body eased into this emotional response, but once started, it was hard to shut off. Of course, I’m not in the habit of shutting off my sexual responses (anymore), so I let it play out, trying to feel what my body was experiencing with the after-orgasms, but feeling true emotion welling up and needing to be released.
I lay there for about a half hour, dreading the getting up and continuing on with my day. I wanted to feel something new. Strange how even these amazing orgasmic experiences are beginning to feel mechanical and routine. Having stimulated my prostate during the KSMO session, she was primed for the Sparkles treatment. But now, laying in the after-glow, I could feel her throbbing, growing. She wanted more. I wasn’t sure if my shoulder and wrist would last for another round, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.
I lubed up Sparkles, and on the insertion, I could tell I was much tighter. My prostate was definitely engorged, as were the vaginal walls that were pulsating inward, and I think the inner clit was still swollen as well. The sensation of being truly filled was almost breathtaking. Not to disparage Sparkles — I got him for his upward curve, not his girth. (Dammit.) But I loved the feeling of being full. With a truly turned-on prostate, I felt those all-over ripples down my arms and legs, my legs began to shake — which usually only happens with hands-on prostate stimulation. I reveled in the feeling of needing to urinate because I knew it had nothing to do with my bladder and everything to do with my She Spot/prostate. I had been missing that feeling all summer. To have that wave, that full-body shudder was joyously pleasing.
I didn’t think my arm would last at this point. I thought I might have to stop, but I soldiered on, and I’m so glad I did. When the orgasms started, they were full-body, fully arching, fully voiced, loud, rockin’-and-rollin’ orgasms. I kept going as long as my arms would let me, then they flew up over my head, and Sparkles almost went flying across the room.
As the last few orgasms hit, I realized my teeth were chattering! This was a completely new sexual response for me. I don’t do fetishy stuff — never used an ice dildo or anything, so I’ve never experienced chattering teeth before… (great… in my head, I’m now hearing the song “John Wayne’s Teeth Hey-ya”…)
Being Irish, I love being cold. In the winter, I keep my house around 60, and it feels awesome. I wish I could afford to keep my house this cold in the summer! In winter, my teeth will chatter occasionally, but for the most part, I feel like I’m in heaven in a cold house. This is ironic since my skin always seems to be hot to the touch. When I touch people, they move suddenly, saying my hands are burning hot. I joke and say, “I’m Irish. I’m exothermic.” If they’re Pagan or Witchy, I say, “I’m a Fire Spirit, hence my nickname ‘Lava.’” (If they’re fundy Christian, I tell them I’m a Witch. Just to see their reaction as they run in the other direction. ) But I don’t feel hot — I really think it’s my body just letting off the heat so I can be cold. Go Team Shamrock!
The teeth chattering while crying was a bit weird… and yet knowing I had had a second emotional orgasm was oddly satisfying — not sure why… But as the crying and teeth chattering faded, I began to feel the beginnings of a heartgasm — a buzzing in my ribcage area, the faint beginnings of that astral pull I have been wanting to experience again. Unfortunately, a full heartgasm did not develop (rats!), but I was able to enjoy some lingering prostate body-shudders later when I went to the bathroom, and sporadically since. Also, I recalled that when I had the 2-week-long heartgasm last Fall as well as the heartgasms in May, it was due to double-dipping — going two separate rounds of penetrative solo sex that concentrated on prostate stimulation. That info is now filed for next time!
After awakening so grandly on 08-08-12 and 08-10-12, then having the back pain for a week, then the subsequent chakra cleansing, then my period, I’m already getting tired of the stops and starts on my journey. I’m ready to hit cruise control for a bit. But that’s just some Yang energy coming to the fore. After being so Yin for several months, I was actually getting concerned I’d lost my inner fire. I’m very appreciative of the Yang energy surfacing long enough to say “Hi” but not overwhelm my new Yinning state.
I briefly entertained the notion of recording my orgasms so I can hear them later — to get a sense of what’s happening vocally when my body is blissed out orgasmically. And then I had the horrible thought of taking a month-long break from any orgasms at all. Now I know I’m going crazy.
Speaking of going crazy, I think my shamanic dreams are coming back. The past few nights, I’ve had some strange and intense dreams. So I’ve decided to start a dream journal as well. More on that later. But for now, I’m about to hit the busy, busy last week of the month to meet all my writing deadlines (for my paying jobs), so I might take this week off from intentional orgasms. Hmmmmmm….
Aroused and chattering,
August 26, 2012 | Categories: astral dreams, awakening, caress, chakra, clit, DailyOJ, dreams, emotion, female orgasm, female prostate, full body waves, hands, heartgasm, journey, mind noise, moaning, multiple orgasms, nipples, penetration, period, relaxation, sex toy, shamanic, she spot, techniques, urination, vagina, vulva, women's sexuality, yang, yin, yoni | Leave A Comment »
* Read Part 1 here! *
Glad to have movement and feeling in my back again after the excruciating pain that started a week ago, I was really looking forward to resuming my orgasmic awakening routine. After all, my big, loud O’s had been on lock-down almost all summer while I gorged on stealth and spontaneous orgasms (now to be known as SASO). Getting back on the path with KSMO & OM-touch was a milestone for my 1-year multi-orgasmic anniversary.
The back pain had been a curious development. Since losing almost 70 pounds from my highest weight, I know all about pain — back pain, hip/sciatica pain, lower back, neck, every joint imaginable pain, lower extremities/pedal edema, crazy hormones, all while being miserable inside as a person as well.
Similarly to my session on 08-08-12, I laid in bed for a while… a long while… as the majority of pain had melted away rather miraculously. I don’t know why I had started this “tradition” of laying in bed, allowing my mind to wander, absentmindedly caressing myself. In the summer, this was practically the extent of my sexual activities — with little privacy to pursue much fun with Sparkles, the SASO’s were exceedingly, surprisingly satisfying. Now able to arch my back, the nipple O’s also made a glorious return.
The OM-touch orgasms were not instant as they usually were, but rather needed a few strokes on the upper left (my left) part of my clit to get going. The right side of my clit is also very receptive to OM-touch, and I gratefully accepted the back-arching orgasms from that side as well. Apparently, with the nipples unresponsive due to pinched nerves in my back, my clit had been less responsive to touch as well — not surprising since the the nipples are wired directly to the clit.
After an incredible length of time that didn’t feel like any time at all, I looked at the clock. I wasn’t even sure I had time to get the 20-minute session in much less the after-session fun. More than an hour had passed. I decided to begin the 20-minute KSMO session, starting in my old-school style — with my nipples. I had worried that starting back with KSMO had diminished my nipple/stealth orgasms in a phase of integration. This can happen as you sojourn on any energy-based orgasm journey. A big breakthrough explodes then fades — or integrates — as new experiences rise to the surface. However, I think the issues this past week with the SASO’s were due to the back pain/heart chakra blockage.
I did the 20 minutes, moving to my clit and prostate for the last 10 minutes. It all felt wonderful, and I was so glad to be able to move my hips again. I was cutting it close to time, and with only an hour left of free time, I decided not to go for the full Sparkles treatment and just lay in bed. I took mental notes of all the energy zings all over my skin, the pulsating inside my vagina, the swelling of my prostate (!), the pulsating throbbing of my PC muscles, my anus, and the continuing circles and figure-8′s of my hips that I was not doing intentionally.
After a half hour of this, the “after-O’s” pulsed more slowly as they began to simmer to the background — notice I didn’t have a “big” O, and yet I still had the after-O’s! Oddly fulfilled and thankfully not hurting, I got dressed, made up my bed, and walked (slowly) back to my desk.
It occurred to me later that lying in the bed before any stimulation or session caress or sounds had been an important aspect of my orgasmic awakening. If you remember, I shared this article from another site on the concept of “lying broken.” That being “broken” is one of those glass half-full situations. You can see yourself as a shambles of what you were, or you can recognize that the pieces are now truly yours to put back how you want to be renewed.
This, then, was another eye-opener for me. Though this experience happened on Friday, 08-17-12, and the Todd Akin “legitimate rape” debacle occurred over the weekend, remembering the “lying broken” article became a welcome glimpse of hindsight. My heart chakra probably was triggered by my return to KSMO because it was my return to working on me. For the past several months, I have been going through what I call the “Dark Side of Yin,” a chronic lethargy as old wounds churn at the core of me. Not being alone during the summer, I had no real time or space to meditate or focus on myself in a self-healing capacity. I also think some of the Kundalini awakening contributed to my turning inward so significantly — the coiled serpent that began its rise from slumber at my root chakra is making its way through my energy centers, and it appears my heart chakra was the wheel that needed to be cleansed this past week.
My work is not over for my heart chakra, but I do believe I have made great strides toward reassembling the pieces of my broken self into the newly forming me — as a whole woman. And how fitting that this is occurring as I am about to turn 40. I am still putting the bad experiences behind me, but more than ever I know that the pieces are mine to assemble as I see fit. If I don’t like what I see forming, I will go back to lying broken until I once again have a clear vision of my self as a whole human being. And unlike my afternoon schedule, I can take my time. That’s why I’m here on this plane anyway.
Aroused and broken but healing,
August 21, 2012 | Categories: anatomy, awakening, bedroom, body image, caress, chakra, clit, connection, DailyOJ, energy center, female orgasm, female prostate, heart, hips, journey, kundalini, meditation, mind noise, omega-3, reclaiming sexuality, relaxation, sexual abuse, sexual energy, sound, Tantra, women's sexuality, yin | Leave A Comment »
In similar fashion to the return of my afternoon delights yesterday, I had yet another KSMO session and a date with Sparkles, my purple silicone boyfriend. This was concurrent to yesterday’s session, which Jack does not recommend for newbies. However, I attained Adept status a couple months ago (apparently), so I kinda get to do what I want. (Neener-neener.)
I had already decided I was going to do back-to-back days about a month ago — the longing to be free again had been so poignant and clear. (“Man, I just need to be fucked already — and SOON!”) I had been feeling the almost overwhelming need — craving — to experience that wild, bed-frolicking, hip-rollicking abandon of insatiable passion and out-of-body orgasms that I had glimpsed in the Fall and Spring. I knew I couldn’t gain it all back overnight, but I figured a few back-to-back sessions wouldn’t do any harm, especially since the weekend is right here, and I’d be back on the wagon. (Sigh.)
Essentially, today’s session was much like yesterday’s. I laid in bed an hour in some stupidly ridiculous bliss of just being okay laying in bed being stupidly ridiculously blissful. My mind wandered. That was okay. I stealth O’d. That was fabulous. When I was ready for KSMO, I did KSMO. I felt some tingles which were a good sign, but I didn’t try to make anything happen. I finished the session, fucked Sparkles, cried, lather, rinse, repeat.
Okay…. Here’s where it got interesting. In the time afterward, I was paying attention to my body — what I was feeling, where, and how; what I felt emotionally, mentally, intellectually about what I was feeling physically, energetically, spiritually.
I noticed the crying afterward had been delayed by a couple minutes. This felt strange not to be immediately emotional. The orgasms felt good. What was the problem? I remembered this happened yesterday, too, and I felt the same conflicted response to the quasi-ambivalent emotion. The crying happened, and when it did, the feelings I felt were not just caused by the stimulation of my A-spot to induce the emotional uterine orgasm (that sounds so mechanical). What I felt were feelings of emotion that were tied to insecurities and uncertainties about finding a partner: why would any man want to be with me, why would a man love me, what did I have to offer? I had no answers, so I cried some more. I was too involved in the unexpected pity party to pay attention to whatever might have been happening physiologically in my genitals. I can only assume my body went through its usual after-O’s. But I don’t know for sure.
As the emotion slowed to a trickle, I noticed energy on my left side, up my leg and into my torso. I then felt energy collect in the ball of my left foot and shoot out from there. I have felt this before, and the image that comes to mind is the end of the animated film, The Beauty and the Beast. During his change from “The Beast” back to a “Man,” a ray of “light” bursts out of his feet and hands. That is what it feels like — a sudden gathering of energy that shoots out in a ray of light energy explosion… (except my feet aren’t hairy like the Beast’s. Just sayin’.)
Another unexpected sensation occurred while I was laying there feeling my feelings — the emotional ones as well as the physical sensations. My eyes were closed, but my attention was drawn to my hands. If my hands aren’t over my head, they are usually resting on my torso at my bottom rib/waistline area. I lay like this so my upper arms can support the weight of my breasts. I thought my hands were in the air, but I didn’t remember telling them to move. I opened my eyes and looked down. My arms were still by my sides, my hands still on my waist. But it felt like my hands were in mid-air, but heavy, like they were trying to pull away from me, or pull me up. I have felt similar “pulling” sensations when I experienced heartgasms — it felt like my inner me was trying desperately to separate from my body when I was wide awake — this happened for almost two weeks!
The rest of the day, I felt the odd tingle here and there, nothing major nor localized for too long in any one spot. (Wow, just got a zap of energy through my right outer labia just remembering that. Cool.) I didn’t have any single tingle strong enough or long enough for it to register as a particular -gasm, i.e., scalpgasm, leg-gasm, deskgasm, etc. I could feel the beginnings of the beginnings of awakening, the stirrings before the actual stirrings begin. So I know the bamboo has been growing under the surface and will burst through soon. Time is the only water it needs…. Dammit.
Aroused and tingling,
August 12, 2012 | Categories: a-spot, anatomy, astral dreams, atmosphere, awakening, bedroom, body image, breasts, cosmic orgasm, DailyOJ, deskgasm, emotion, energy center, energy raising, explosion, hands, heartgasm, hips, journey, mind noise, multiple orgasms, sexual energy, spiritual, Tantra, women's sexuality, yin | Leave A Comment »
I think I may have found something that can help me incorporate Yin, and transcend my generally negative perception of Yin as weak, victimized, and subservient.
A friend posted a link to this article on Facebook, so I read it, and it make a lot of sense to me — maybe because it deals with an obscure Hindu goddess — and I kinda dig a lot of Hinduism, though I don’t officially subscribe to any religion. This article, “Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea,” is a great read, and I instantly related to the concepts. I might even try riding a crocodile some day.
Aroused and lying broken,
I think I’m finally getting the hang of this let-the-body-do-its-thang process. It’s still a process — a yin process, no less. I have lots to learn and experience, but I am beginning to understand the ebb and flow a little better.
Giving in to my yin self is actually very difficult. I’m competitive by nature and by nurture, so letting go of some of the ingrained yang tendencies has proven to be a process in itself.
And for those who didn’t hear — I had my first deskgasm! YAY! Imagine my surprise while I’m working, minding my own business, and BAM! A spontaneous, deliciously powerful orgasm hits out of nowhere. I wasn’t even thinking anything sexual! It just hit me — a blended orgasm, complete with explosion and full body waves that I didn’t have to lift a finger to produce. Wowzers!
Also, I miss the heartgasms I was experiencing a few weeks ago. I finally had gotten used to that constant buzzing in my chest wall 24/7 for those 2 weeks — and the feeling like there was a part of me floating about a foot out in front of me — my aura? my chi? — and my heart constantly wanting to jump out of my ribcage and join whatever that energy field was in front of me. Now I miss that it’s not there except after orgasms. But I can’t wait for more!
Aroused and yinning,
I did my 20 minute protocol today, and I think I did it correctly. I talked with Jack on Sunday and had my Key Sound checked. Like all things, it’s a work in progress, but I think I’m doing it better. I also did the touching/caressing part of the protocol better — now that I realize I’m only supposed to be doing the caress just before the inhalation of the sound (and not feelin’ my self up the whole time). Though, I must say, it’s not nearly as much fun!
The only sensations I noticed in between the sounds was a throbbing in my vulva/vagina (yes, the whole thing beating like a heart).
So afterward, I did a solo sex session, and noticed again how I haven’t been feeling my female prostate as much, but on the trip to orgasm, it’s like she kicks in, and lets me know she’s there. At one point, I stopped the circles on my clit and really noticed the prostate then, but still went back to clit stim because it felt weird NOT to.
Long story short, I didn’t have the explosion orgasm so common to clitoral orgasms, but the waves of vaginal / prostate / She Spot orgasm were awesome. No, truly — they were amazing! So maybe I’ll try the lack of clit stim again and see if that increases the orgasm even more. And no, I’m not chasing orgasms. I’m “allowing” and trying to be more Yin… I’m just experimenting along the way.
I felt really strong contractions for more than a half hour afterward, and I still feel the throbbing (echoes?). My chest wall is vibrating as I type this now (almost 2 hours after), but I don’t know if that qualifies as a heartgasm. So I think my KSMO journey is cumming along swimmingly…
Aroused and buzzing,