DailyOJ 01-26-13, Part 2: The Fear of Intimacy


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Today was a great day. So I was a bit surprised by the slight emotional breakdown I just experienced.

It wasn’t caused by my intactivism on Twitter (explaining the horrors of both male circumcision and female genital cutting), or the raucous festivities happening just outside my apartment from the day parade of the local Mardi Gras krewes. I spent some time earlier researching vitamins for healthy skin since I’ve now lost 82 pounds, but my skin is not shrinking as fast as I’d like — apparently, it can take 2 years or more for skin to retract, assuming a woman has good genes, doesn’t have any more children, and bathes in the blood of virgins… (just kidding… not sure about that last part).

I digress…

I think the breakdown may have been triggered by an impromptu conversation in the chat room of the AW Forum on the subject of emotion and sex.

Taking a break from the Twitterverse and looking for something to watch online, I remembered the amazing feelings from this morning, and the generally great feelings I’d had all day. I got a flash — a vision — in my mind’s eye about being with a partner, my Dream Man, as I call him. Not having sex, our clothes were on, in fact. I was just kissing his collarbone. And I suddenly burst into tears.

I had trouble breathing. I could feel the rush of adrenaline’s “fight or flight” rash-choice-conundrum rushing to the fore. Not prone to panic attacks, I was most concerned with why I was having this freak-out moment. Then I remembered a revelation I’d had when writing my breasts article about having never really known tenderness during sex. During the Twitter intactivism tonight, I had had to explain how friction sex can be painful — how my ex used to complain I got too wet during sex, he couldn’t get friction, so he’d pull out and use the sheet to dry me and him off and come back in to jackhammer away till he ejaculated…. The feelings that were now shaking my entire body as I cried and tried to breathe were the realization that I have no idea how to be intimate with a man.

I know about sex, sex spots, erogenous zones, positions, pressure points, hormones, and nerves. I know all about the physical connections, but I have never really made an emotional physical connection to a partner. The fact that emotion scares the hell out of most men doesn’t help the situation.

This past year I’ve been in Yin, and it’s really kicked me in my ass. I made so many realizations about myself last year that I thought (or hoped) I was done. Apparently, the Universe was saving this big whopper for right when I was least prepared to deal with yet another part of me that needs to be worked on.

Sex has never been about me, in my sexual experience. I never understood why people can just spend time kissing (isn’t that boring?) or holding hands (don’t you want me to hold something else?)… I never felt comfortable with just being with a partner. Once the sex got going, then I knew what my role was. Usually, I was the initiator, the aggressor, the one in charge. Men made it clear they were with me because they wanted to know if busty redheads were really as good in bed as they’d heard or seen in porn. They approached me with a certain expectation of what sex with me would be like, and I made sure I exceeded their expectations.

Sex in my marriage was never orgasmic for me, but then I didn’t think my pleasure was important. As a stay-at-home mother, I felt part of my duties was keeping him happy and earning my keep — sex did that while a blow job once a week prevented arguments about the bills. As I grew to detest him and the whole situation, I gained weight on purpose so he wouldn’t want me…. Just my luck — he liked fat chicks.

Now free, in control of my own life, and repairing my health and my body, I’m left with the remnants of what I’ve put myself through the past 15+ years. I look in the mirror as my body gets smaller, but so many imperfections remain. And so many imperfections dwell inside as well.

With intimacy, there isn’t exactly a projected outcome as there is with sex. The agenda of sex is lots of orgasms that lead to the climactic grande finale orgasm. Intimacy is a goal-less phenomenon, I guess, in which neither partner is in charge or at least, no one’s keeping tally on the orgasm scoreboard. Intimacy is being open emotionally to just being with a person, soft and tender… vulnerable. Without the sex techniques to keep a man enthralled, I really don’t know why a man would want to be with me… or what I have to offer…

This emotional breakdown was another wall coming down, and yet it is another bit of knowledge I will hold myself to when time for entering a relationship and finally — finally! — being able to love a man. I simply cannot allow myself to go backwards. Being in charge in the sex department is too easy. I need to allow myself to be open and vulnerable… more… yin… and that freaks me out….

Aroused and breaking through,

trish

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4 responses to “DailyOJ 01-26-13, Part 2: The Fear of Intimacy

  1. Trish,

    First, thank you for sharing! What a great revelation this is!

    I want to start with this, “Apparently, the Universe was saving this big whopper for right when I was least prepared to deal with yet another part of me that needs to be worked on.”

    I would fully disagree! You said you’ve spent an entire year in yin. You’ve learned a lot of lessons. I disagree with your statement because you think the Universe is hitting you when you’re least prepared. I think it waited until you were most prepared! You’ve had an entire year to chip away at all that negative that’s been surrounding you. You’ve had an entire year to draw in, cultivate, learn about, understand, and create love. You have learned self love. Now, you’re ready to learn to truly love others and be with others in a way that will make you full and complete. It’s a wonderful feeling to know what you already understand. There are connections to be made. You may feel scared and worried about how to make them, but knowing yourself, connecting with yourself, is the best place to start.

    “With intimacy, there isn’t exactly a projected outcome as there is with sex. The agenda of sex is lots of orgasms that lead to the climactic grande finale orgasm.”

    I have this very dilemma myself at times. I think of my dilemma as intimacy versus intensity. If I go for intense pleasure with a partner, am I loosing my connection with that partner by focusing only on the pleasure and not the person? I know how to stir orgasms in my partner quite well. I’m adapt at reading the body’s responses as well as eliciting the reaction that I want from my partner. What has been a challenge was learning my partner’s happiness. Are we feeling connected to each other? Is our sexual exploration and enjoyment enhancing our connection? Are we just going through the motions?

    I want to be intimate with my partner. I want us to feel love. I want us to feel each other. Sometimes no orgasm is involved with that. Sometimes there is touching, caressing, and other actions, but no direct sex. I too often wondered why. Why just make out? Why just cuddle? Why caress and touch, but nothing more? Then I started to realize why. I’m only with one person. This person is my life. I love this person more than anything. My lips on her lips is such a treasure. No one else will touch those lips. I will touch no other set of lips. It’s such a sacred bond between us that it is our entire being connecting to one another at the most intimate point, our lips. There is a deep communication that speaks directly to the soul without uttering a single word, but moans are most certainly involved. I’ve always loved holding hands because there is a physical bond of affection. I feel close to my partner. It’s because of this contact that I do feel open. At times I feel vulnerable, but it’s because I feel open and vulnerable that I can feel all the love that I feel. If I wasn’t open, her love wouldn’t be able to enter.

    “This emotional breakdown was another wall coming down, and yet it is another bit of knowledge I will hold myself to when time for entering a relationship. I simply cannot allow myself to go backwards. Being in charge in the sex department is too easy. I need to allow myself to be open and vulnerable… more… yin… and that freaks me out…”

    You’ve succinctly summed it up. This is it in a nutshell. Being open is a risk. It’s an invitation for those who love, but it’s also an opening for those who would attack and hate. You’ve made the best decision though. You will hold yourself for entering a relationship. Set standards! You’re worth it! Find that partner that you’re looking for. Because you’ve learned so much about yourself, you have also learned what you want and need from a partner. Now, when you find that person, you’ll feel it. You’ll know. Once you make that connection, you’ll find that all of your sexual knowledge will be joy expressed and shared. You’ll no longer feel like you’re using your techniques for an end result, but for a mutual pleasure. I have full confidence in this. You are amazingly emotional and beautiful for sharing. Please don’t stop.

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  2. Great post! Intimacy is a foundation for many things when done properly. From a male perspective, much of the fear there is from experience with women who push for it as a monopoly manipulative control aspect rather than a teaming effort (this is not to say there are not males who play the same game, just stating a large male perspective). Your ex sounds bizarre from my perspective as foreplay and wetness to me are a necessity. Then again l like the symphony in its entirety, not just the final crescendo. I also know I am not typical of the male gender. The rush of emotion certainly says you are unlocking pent up “eating companions” to grok and put into proper place and balance! Lots of love and healing your way and the best of success as you embrace these experiences!

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  3. I can not speak for all men but I can speak for myself. I am not scared of emotion, I care about how another person feels. If a woman cried during sex with me, I may worry I hurt her but, I would love that she is comfortable enough with me to cry and let me know a deeper part of her. I could open myself to her in a way I couldn’t before. I would be willing to be vulnerable to her, show her a deeper part of me. I would consider this a requirement of a lover, not a fuck, but a lover.

    People want to find someone they can show their whole self to. Both women and men are scared that if they show this to someone, that someone will reject them. We as people have to face rejection, we will reject people and we ourselves will be rejected.

    Once a person accepts that they will be rejected life gets easier. Not because rejection doesn’t hurt but we will be on both sides of it. I myself haven’t gotten to this point, but I know I will have to.

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